I continue to be amazed at the surprisingly amount of odd people I meet as I drive around the country delivering cars. More often than not, truth is stranger than fiction.
I was about to deliver a car in Las Vegas, and decided to pull over and find something to eat. As I was walking through a parking lot, I saw a woman stooped over between two cars, and I thought she was ill. "Are you all right, ma'am?"
She stood and pulled her pants up, and I could see that she had been squatting to pee. "Steve, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you."
"No, oh no, you don't have to apologize to me, Steve. Not now, not ever. I love you so much, always have and always will. I never should have left you. We both know that you did me wrong, but I know in your heart that you love me."
"I think you've got me confused with someone else. My name is Bill."
"What the hell are you talking about, Steve? It's me, June, your lover. How are you gonna be treating me like that? After all I've done for you, all the wild sex that we had, all the sexual positions I got into just for you! You can't squeeze me like a piece of ripe fruit then toss me out the window. No sir, it doesn't work like that! Not at all!" And with that, she ran away from me in tears. I decided to shrug it off, and turned and walked in the other direction through the parking lot.
A few seconds later, June popped up from behind a cargo van and said, "Hi lover, I've decided to forgive you. I have to admit you were mean to me, but I can't help loving my man."
"Uh, listen, I think that--"
She put her hand over my mouth. "Hush now, Steve, I only want to hear about how much you love me. Come and whisper into my ear how much you love me." She pulled close and put her ear up to my mouth.
"But really, I--"
Once again, her hand covered my mouth. "Not another word, Steve. I only want to hear sweet sounds coming from your sweet mouth. Come on and dance with me, Steve, dance with me the way you did at the Senior Prom." She wrapped her arms around me and forced both of our bodies to sway. She rested her head on my shoulder and was in a state of bliss as the music played in her head.
I pushed her away after a moment, and told her "No, stop."
"What in the world is the matter with you, Steve?"
"What's the matter is that I don't know you."
"You mean you don't want to know me!" She became enraged. "You dirty son of a bitch. You think you can treat me like some slut, some common whore, then just throw me out on the trash bin? Is that the way you want to play? Well, two can play this game!" She stormed away in a huff, and I made my way more rapidly through the parking lot. I hoped I had seen that last of her.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, she grabbed me from behind and said seductively "Hi Sugar Buns. My white chocolate lover."
I shook my head and sighed. "Lady, please just--"
"I have to respect the man I love. I always make it a rule to respect my elders, whether they're older than me or younger than me. Now shut up and dance with me, do the dance of love!" She began an energetic dance, taking my hands and sort of forcing me to dance along. I was a bit dazed by it all, and hung on for a few moments as she led me in her little Dance of Insanity.
When I pulled away from her, she said "I know now what's wrong with you, Steve. My man needs some good loving." She dug into her huge handbag and began pulling out condoms, handcuffs and various sex toys, enthusiastically trying to hand them off to me. "I know how to treat my man." Then she reached down and took a big handful of my manhood and squeezed.
"Hey! You can't do that, you can't just grab me like that."
"Why not? What's the problem, Steve?"
"Quit calling me Steve. You have mistaken me for someone else, and--"
She interrupted me by giving my face a solid slap. "I am done with you. We are officially over. You are both a bitch and a bastard." She turned on her heel and marched off. Then she stopped and faced me one last time. "And one more thing. I know a lot more about nuclear science than you might think I do." She hurried over to an empty pickup truck, threw her handbag in the back, and sat on the back bumper. She yelled at a non-existent driver "Step on it Raoul, I've got to get to Miami."
I decided to skip the meal and get back into my car and keep on driving. I had nothing against June, but clearly she was a lady whose mind has its own address in another universe. And I remain A Driving Fool.