It was New Years Eve, and I was once again surprised by the amount of people that I deliver cars to who choose to take delivery on a holiday. Their plans are often in flux, and I find myself running all over the place. This year, it was Wichita, Kansas.
I had spoken to Miss Bellows on the phone, and she said she would be very busy with the birthday party but there would be a slice of cake for me. This was a red flag for me, because I like to drop off a car and go, not get caught up in the personal lives of my customers.
I was told to arrive at 4pm sharp, and no sooner had I parked and got out before I heard her shouting frantically and urgently. I came around the side of the house, I saw the most elaborate birthday decorations ever. At least, in my personal experience. There were six Papillon dogs all jumping around Miss Bellows, each wearing a party hat and a tutu. Miss Bellows, a rather rotund woman, was not handling the hectic pace well, although the sad looking man cooking on the grill seemed completely unaffected.
"Hi, I'm Bill Thomas," I said. "I have your new car here for you."
"Thank God you made it, the boys were afraid that you wouldn't make it for the party." she said. She seemed kinda peppy, kinda goofy.
"Oh, I can't stay."
"Lucky," I heard the grill man murmur.
"Now I'm gonna have to insist, we have burgers on the grill, there's cake and ice cream. Right, Jimmy?"
Jimmy nodded glumly at the grill. "Whatever you say."
"Cheer up Jimmy, it's a party!" she exclaimed.
"And I am thrilled to be here," he said with no conviction.
"Mr. Bill, the birthday boy is Rover, then there's Fido, Spot, Buck, Freckles and Spike."
I smiled and nodded in their direction. "Nice to make your acquaintance."
"Don't be so sure," mumbled Jimmy.
I needed to get a move on, but didn't want to be impolite. "If you can just sign my paperwork, I'll get out of your hair."
She put her hands on her hips. "You are not in my hair. And if you were, I'd be glad to have you. Now the gift table is over there, if you have something to honor Rover."
"Run, while you still can," muttered Jimmy to me.
Miss Bellows scooped up Rover and came over to me. "Mr. Bill, would you hold the birthday boy for me so I can get some pictures?" She handed me Rover then put a party hat on my head, rubber band under my chin.
"I mean, I guess so." I looked at the backyard, and it was lush and beautiful. Right in the middle of it was a large swimming pool, and I wondered if it was heated.
"I have to get my Polaroid camera, its inside." She ran into the house, and Jimmy started talking.
"OK, we don't have much time, so listen up fast. She is crazy as a bat, she thinks these dogs are kids. She will drag you into doggie drama then drag you down so far you lose yourself. No joke buddy, you should go."
"Are you two roommates?"
"Oh God no! I'm too stupid for that, I went and married the witch."
"Is she a witch?"
"Well, she ain't Samantha on Bewitched, I can tell ya that, bub."
Miss Bellows came out again just as Rover was trying to leap out of my arms. She began yelling at me, "You're gonna drop him, you're gonna drop him!" Rover fell from my arms to the ground, and at the same time Jimmy picked up a tennis ball and threw it towards the backyard. All six dogs went rushing after the ball, but only five stopped when they reached the edge of the pool where the ball landed with a splash. Followed quickly by a bigger splash, as one of the Papillon landed in the water.
A blood curdling scream unlike any I have ever heard came from behind me, and Miss Bellows nearly knocked me down rushing towards the pool. "My baby! Save my baby!" She was hysterical, running around in circles waving her arms over her head. While the pooch was happily doing the dog paddle. "Someone save my baby Freckles."
I walked down to the pool and scooped the little dog up, offering it to the woman. She squeezed it so tightly. "He's fine, he's just fine," Jimmy tried to tell her.
"How can you say that? I nearly lost my baby. Did you hear that, Freckles? You were almost an angel crossing over the rainbow bridge. You could have drown."
Jimmy shook his head. "He was fine, he knew how to swim just fine."
She looked insulted. "Don't be ridiculous, none of my dogs have ever had a swimming lesson in their life."
Jimmy looked up towards Heaven. "OK God, I'm ready. Because wherever I go, its going to be a whole lot better than this."
I got the paperwork taken care of and headed for my next pick up. Just out of curiosity, I called a good friend of mine who is a Veterinarian in Texas and asked if there is a special school where you send dogs to learn to swim. My friend said, "Yep, it's the same school you send cats to so they learn to hunt mice."
HAPPY NEW YEAR
