It was a beautiful day in Miami when I delivered a Ford Expedition to a man at his office downtown. My old friend John Hazzard had invite me to meet him for lunch. He said to come to the courthouse downtown and if I arrived early enough I could come into the court and watch him in action.
I got to the courthouse and had to find the room where John was trying his case. I entered quietly and sat in the back row. An elderly bald man sat in the witness box, and John was cross examining him.
"So tell us about that morning, Mr. Roosevelt."
The man scratched his head. "It was a sunny morning, hot and humid at 7am already. The sky was blue and--"
John interrupted. "I was referring to what happened between you and Mr. Jackson."
"Well now, Bojangles Jackson is my dog, just a tiny little Sitt-choo. You must be talkin' 'bout Shorty Jackson, my ex-best friend."
"What occurred between you and Mr. Jackson?"
"Shorty or Bojangles?"
"Let's stick to humans. Shorty in this case."
"It was a warm Saturday morning, and he came by to go fishing like always. I was cooking bacon in the frying pan, just like always. You got to cook the bacon first so you can cook the eggs after in the bacon grease."
"How long were you cooking bacon?" asked John.
"Shoot, I been cooking bacon for 65 years, since I was 10 years old."
The opposing counsel stood up. "Your honor, can we please stick to the facts?"
But the witness cut him off. "Oh no you don't, that question is an elephant."
The Judge let out a slightly bemused sigh. "Mr. Roosevelt, I think you mean irrelevant, but it is not, and you don't get to say that."
Mr. Roosevelt looked outraged. "I'm a citizen of North America. The Decoration of Invocation gives me the right to free speech."
John jumped in to keep things rolling. "You were having a peaceful morning, and then what went wrong?"
"Shorty took a bite of my bacon and said it was undercooked. He's been disrespecting my bacon for many, many years. So I did the only thing I could, I smacked him upside the head with my iron skillet. Shorty fell off the chair, and there was Bojangles underneath him."
"But what do you know about the stab wound in his chest?"
"That had nothing to do with the bacon," explained Mr. Roosevelt. "I stabbed him in the chest for sending Bojangles to the rainbow bridge."
"Rainbow bridge?" asked John.
"You don't know the rainbow bridge? It's where dogs go when..." He drifted.
"When what?"
"I don't want to say."
The Judge leaned over and said, "Sir, the court can compel you to answer the question."
"Ain't no compelling to it. Shorty is a big man, way over 350 pounds. When he sat on little ole Bojangles, why he sent him to the rainbow bridge. So naturally, I stabbed Shorty in the chest with my sharpest chopping knife."
"So it was a sharp knife?" asked John for emphasis.
The witness looked confused. "I didn't believe a dull knife would do the job. And I wanted Shorty Jackson dead at that point."
"And so Shorty joined Bojangles on the rainbow bridge?"
Mr. Roosevelt stared at John like he was talking crazy. "A man don't go to the rainbow bridge, it's just for dogs."
The Judge smiled. "And cats?"
"I object to that!" shouted the witness.
With great patience the Judge told him, "You don't get to do that, sir."
"I know where Shorty Jackson is, he's dancing a jig with the Devil around a lake of fire."
"Because you killed him?" asked John.
He shrugged. "Guess so. If the iron skillet didn't do it, I'm sure the knife in his chest did the trick. But it was self-defense."
"How was it self-defense?"
"Shorty murdered Bojangles, so I had to kill Shorty. That's called self-defense."
John was finished and the Judge called for a lunch recess with closing arguments that afternoon. John greeted me, cheerfully as usual. "What did you think of my case?"
"Interesting," I said. "But are you acting as prosecutor?"
"No Bill, this is a civil trial not criminal. That will be a separate trial with another lawyer. This is all about insurance, property and money."
"And the rainbow bridge, I guess that's where dogs go when they die?"
"My reply to that is what any good attorney would say -- who cares?"
