As I was driving a Ford Escape through central Tennessee, I was thinking of something my friend said to me on the phone. He said as he read all of my blogs, he noticed that my boss Riff never changed. He is always half drunk, yelling at me, hurling insults my way, and not treating me with any respect whatsoever. My buddy said Riff should show different sides to his personality, and that he has to grow as a character. I pointed out that I write about Riff exactly as he is, and some things never change. He pointed out that these are true life stories I write, and that I can fictionalize if I want to. Dramatic license. He insists that Riff needs a "character arc."
I was very hungry and got off the highway in a small town to search for fast food. I didn't see a McDonalds or Wendys anywhere, but I did find a place called Burger Qween, so I drove in and got into the line at the drive thru lane. When it was my turn at the speaker, I was greeted by an impossibly cheerful man saying "Welcome to the magical land of the Burger Qween, may I take your order?"
"Uh, yes," I stumbled. "I'd like a fish sandwich --"
The man on the speaker interrupted quickly, saying "You mean the Fish burger, that cute little cod fish who swims its way down the Alaskan pipeline by the Alaskan coastline, and swims its way into our hearts and our 450 degree fryers?"
"Yes, correct. And I'd like some fries --"
He interrupted again. "You mean golden brown french fries, Idaho potatoes sliced and diced before they jump into our 450 degree fryers, cooked just like the French do over in France?"
"Yes, large fries. And a Sprite --"
"You mean Sprite, that delicious lemon lime soda, tastes like a lymon, and tastes a lot like the Uncola, 7-Up? Is that what you want sir?"
I was frustrated. "Yes!"
"I'm sorry sir, we don't serve Sprite here."
That did it. I stepped on the gas just enough to get me up to the window, where I saw the manic cashier who had taken my order.
"Hi there, I'm Mark, and I'm here to fill your order."
"Can I get a Coke with that?"
"Instead of the Sprite?"
"You said you don't serve Sprite."
"You are so right, give the man a cigar!"
"How much?" I asked.
"How much longer? Why it should just be a few minutes. What's your rush sailor, slow your roll."
"I came to a fast food restaurant because I wanted my food fast."
Mark stuck out his bottom lip. "Well, someone sure is a grumpy Gus today. Your total is $7.89."
I handed him the money and he gave me change. "I forgot to tell you, I don't want any lettuce on my Fish sandwich."
"Sorry sir, this isn't Burger King. It's never have it your way, at Burger Qween its have it OUR way."
"Bad policy."
He clapped his hands together. "Bad policy, bad sandwiches, that's Burger Qween. If you want a really great chicken sandwich, don't buy ours. Try out Chik Fil A, you will be glad you did."
"But I ordered a Fish sandwich."
"OK, then try Long John Silvers, their fish is much superior to ours."
"Private!" came a booming voice, as the Manager walked up.
Mark jumped to attention and saluted the manager. "Yes sir, Commandante.. Reporting for duty, Mr. Doloheim."
"Private Mark, what have I told you about promoting the competition? We have the best burgers, chicken sandwiches and fish sandwiches in the world."
"That is inaccurate and way wrong."
"Not as long as you're working here."
A fellow worker named Jolene brought a few bags to Mark, no doubt my food and the next customer after me. Mark held up a finger to make a dramatic proclamation. "I shall no longer work for evil overlords who opress me and make me sad to wear this uniform". Mark pulled off his hat and grabbed the bags. He jumped out of the drive thru window nearly landing on my car. He ran down the street, waving the bags of food and screaming "Have it your way! Have it your way!"
The Manager stuck his head out the window. "I'm so sorry for the trouble and inconvenience. Just tell me what you want and it's on the house." So I gave him my order again, but this time ordered a dessert. I have been to many fast food joints, but never have I run into anyone remotely like Mark. I keep wondering where he will be working next... wherever it is I don't want to order my food there.
