"You don't want an answer to that question," growled my boss Riff.
"Yes I really do."
"The customer complaints about you are piling up. You are such an idiot I don't know how you even comb your hair in the morning."
"My hair?"
"Yes your hair, that covers your empty head."
"I'm pulling off in Tallahassee now, speak to you later."
"I'm not done yet!" he shouted as I was hanging up my phone.
I had driven this car from Dallas, and it was due just outside of Tallahassee the next morning. By chance, my old buddy John Hazzard was on business in town, and asked me to pick him up downtown. I was due to arrive there at 2pm, and still had ten minutes to spare. I pulled up to the curb near the old Florida movie theater downtown. Which is no longer open for business. There was John, easy to spot in his usual dapper dress code and carrying a briefcase. "Bill old boy, how in the hell are you? You're looking well."
"Feeling great. What brings you to Tallahassee?"
"Business. And a transactional possibilty for you."
"What kind of proposition?" I asked warily.
"I had lunch with my wealthiest client Miss Saloman today, and she was asking about you."
"Her? Again? What is this obssession she has with me?"
"She thinks you are adorable, and said she can't wait to get you into a Star Wars stormtrooper uniform."
I shook my head. "She wants what?"
"Miss Saloman is deep into cosplay, where a group of people dress like they live in the Star Wars universe. She wants you in the assless stormtrooper outfit."
"Assless?"
"Yes, like assless chaps, your bare bottom is exposed for all to see."
"But why?"
John laughed. "The better to paddle your bare bottom."
I was shocked. "Come on, you have to be kidding me."
"She said she really wants to Yoda you good."
"She wants to Yoda me?"
"You know Bill, you don't have to repeat everything I say."
I felt light headed. "I just want to be sure I'm understanding you correctly."
"The proposition is for you to move in to a little cottage she has in the backyard. And she will take care of all your needs, and in turn you will do whatever she asks anytime."
"You have got to be joshing me."
"Nope, she is dead serious. In fact, she is already working to persuade you to move in."
My eyes turned into suspicious slits. "Persuade me how?"
"She said she has been using a Jedi mind trick on you every day in an attempt to make you move in, whether you want to or not."
"Tell her I'm not interested."
John rubbed his hands together with eager anticipation. "She's not just going away. She is very determined. She says she has more sex toys than Luke Skywalker. And more devious plans for you than that evil Emperor ever dreamed of."
"Okay, that's enough."
"She said she wants to Chewbacca you real good. She want to give you a Force push."
"Stop! Please!"
"Why the hesitation, Bill? You've always been the biggest Star Wars fan I've ever known. So you have a base foundation for a relationship."
"Relationship? Oh no, no, no."
"You'd be a kept man."
"I don't want to be kept, not by anyone. But if you think we have some kind of Star Wars connection, you are sorely mistaken. In fact it sounds like she is talking about a completely different universe that the Star Wars galaxy.. She is bastardizing everything I love about those movies."
"I thought you were open minded."
"This isn't Star Wars, its sex games in outer space. I'm not interested, nor will I ever be interested in this unsavory proposition. You can tell that to Sally for me if she brings it up again."
"Sally?"
"It's what I call Miss Saloman. Silly Sally."
John chuckled. "Silly Sally?"
"Yes, but I am officially changing it to Star Wars Sally."
John shook his head aggressively. "Oh no, she will not like that nickname."
I started squirming restlessly in my seat. "That's the whole point, I don't care that she won't like it. I don't care, I just don't care."
John pointed ahead of us and said, "Pull into the next shopping center, there's a bar there and I think we need a drink."
I pulled in and parked. "John, I appreciate you bringing the opportunity to my attention. But I am definitely not interested. You seriously think I should even give this consideration?"
"Yes."
"To live in her backyard and acting as her Cabana boy."
"Yes sir."
"And be at her beckon call?"
"Why not?"
"And cry on the inside while she tries to turn my beloved Star Wars into some type of sordid porno game thing?"
"Whatever gets you through the night." John opened his door and began to climb out.
"So this is no joke and there's an actual offer on the table."
"The offer is dead serious, no joke."
"And your best advice as my friend is that I give in to her wishes and become her play toy? You've got to be pulling my leg."
John peered over the roof of my car at me. "Right out of the socket."
