I had just delivered a car to Flint, Michigan when my boss Riff called with another job for me. "Hello, my puckish little donut hole. Are you ready for a new adventure?"
I noticed that he was slurring his words. "Are you drunk, Riff?"
"Why ever would you ask me that, you pumpernickel polka dot? It just so happens I am."
"Where's the pick up?"
"In Lansing, Michigan. And let me tell you, this woman does not want to give up her car."
"Did she get fired?" I asked.
"Yes indeed, my little pussywillow."
"Send me the info, I'm on my way." Much as I hate to, I caught a bus to Lansing. But it wasn't Greyhound, it was Trailways, and not quite so bad.
By late that same afternoon, I arrived at the home of the woman. She ran out the front door into her yard wearing a nightgown and said, "Well hello. Are you the gentleman who has come to steal my car?"
"Not steal, just return to your company. I'm Bill Thomas."
She held out her hand as if she expected me to kiss it, like in old times. "Charmed. I am Miss Anna Versa. And I must say, I am troubled that you are taking my lover."
This confused me. "Um there must be some sort of misunderstanding. I'm here for the car."
"That's what I said." She hurried over to the black Ford Taurus in her driveway. She proceeded to lay across the hood and roll around with seemingly nasty intentions. "My lover."
"I just need to do a quick condition report, then I'll be out of your hair."
"Oh, you're not in my hair. Although Jack here was many, many times. More than I can count."
"My lover. Who you are kidnapping right out from under me."
I tried to ignore this nonsense and began to quickly do the condition report. She walked slowly around the car, pressing herself against it and rubbing her body on it. "Do you have the keys?" I asked.
"Yes, I have the keys to my lover's heart." She reached down into her ample cleavage and came up with a key, which she handed to me. "Jack was quite a frisky lover, he liked to take me hard, and yes sir he liked it rough." She giggled like a schoolgirl.
"Jack is an impetuous boy, and yet he is a rugged, solid man. You might say he's a bit of an enigma."
"I might." I suddenly remembered a woman I met who said that her car was named Alice and she stole from her. But this lady took car crazy to a whole new level.
She opened the door and climbed into the back seat, lying on her back and kicking her legs up in the air. "I can't begin to tell you all the many times that Jack and I enjoyed carnal pleasures in the backseat. He really knew how to ring my bell."
I was not about to ask her how she made love to a car. The very idea was both disturbing and somewhat perplexing. "How long since you've had the car serviced?"
She wagged a finger at me. "Oh Bill, you naughty boy. You want to know all of the lurid details. Suffice it to say that I serviced Jack once a day, every day. And each day was better than the one before. If you know what I mean, and I think you do."
"I was talking about an oil and filter change."
She climbed out of the car. "Well, I poured Crisco oil all over my body. Does that count?"
Writing as fast as I could, I tried to skip over any further questions. Then without any warning, Anna fell to the ground and began to cry. "Ma'am, are you OK?"
"No. And I fear that I shall never be OK, not without Jack in my life. Just because the powers that be decided to dismiss me from my job, they could have sold me Jack. I offered to pay a huge sum, but they rejected me. They seem determined to separate me from my one true love. And you are the instrument of their chicanery."
"I don't know if I'd say that."
She pointed at me accusingly. "Oh yes, it's you! You! You are the bastard that brings me pain and misery. You are the creature who wants to break my heart. And have you stopped to think what this will do to Jack?" She got back up onto her feet, then began to lick the windshield. Her tongue was long and talented.
"I'm almost done, then I'll be gone."
"And when you're gone, my lover will be gone. My dear, sweet Jack." She began to suck on her fingers, much the same way a child sucks its thumb. She walked up to the front of the car and ran her hands ever so gently over the grill. And then she leaned down to the front left headlight. "Oh Jack, darling Jack, you have the most beautiful headlights in the world. How will I get along without your high beams?" She kissed the headlight for a long moment.
"OK, I just need you to sign here." I handed her the paperwork.
"And what if I don't?"
"I think that Jack would want it this way."
She turned away from me dramatically. Then she looked at me again and smiled. "You're right, of course. Jack was always the sensible one in our relationship." She signed the paperwork and then ran into the house crying.
As I drove down her street, I patted the steering wheel. "Well Jack, we have a long ride ahead to Atlanta. Are you up for it, buddy?" But Jack said nothing. He was probably still sad over leaving Anna.