About Me

I feel the wanderlust and the call of the open highway. Which is good, because I drive cars for a living. But I'm a writer, and someday hope to once again make my living using my writing skills.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Shortly after I returned from my trip with Miss Jenkins car, I got busy shuttling cars around Florida. In two days time, I drove from Clearwater to Ft. Lauderdale to Miami to Jacksonville to Orlando to Boca Raton to Orlando to Ft. Myers. That covers a lot of ground, and frankly I was tired and needed a little break.

When I was on the Internet mapping out the last day of my journey, I went to a website to see what movies were playing. I thought I might stop along the way and relax by doing my favorite leisure activity, staring at a good flick on the silver screen. I found a movie that I had been dying to see, THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE, showing at an obscure little second run theatre in Sarasota, FL. I was surprised at the venue, because this was an art house film, and second run theatres usually just play mainstream movies.

As I was driving from Orlando to Ft. Myers, I had an issue with my cell phone. I called my provider, and they said that I could go to a local authorized Sprint store and they would fix me up. They gave me simple directions to a store in Sarasota, though it was pretty far from the theatre.

I went to the Sprint store, and after I finished my business I asked the saleslady if she could give me the most direct path to get to the theatre. A spunky elder gentleman chimed in, "May I interject here? I know the way and would be happy to tell this young man, if you don't mind." The saleslady was happy for his help, and admitted that she didn't know her way around the city too well. The man looked at me. "How 'bout it, big boy? You want my help?"

"Well, sure, that'd be great."

"It's gonna cost you."

"What's the charge?"

"You have to hear one of my jokes. Is that a deal?"

"Um, yeah, sure, I guess so."

"OK, now you'll go down this road to the first light. It's Bee Ridge Rd. You're gonna want to call it Bees Ridge, but it's actually Bee Ridge, no plural Bee."


"Turn right, and go three lights. You'll want to turn right there, but instead you turn left. You follow me?"

"So far."

"OK, OK, now you'll go down that road about, oh, I don't know, maybe 3 miles, and you turn right when you get to 17th. You hear that? 17th."

"Yes, sir."

"You will go to the second light and stop. You'll want to make a turn there, but you won't, you keep on going straight to the third light, and turn left. That road will take you to the theatre. You hear what I'm saying?"

"I sure do."

"Now let me ask you, do you drive like a complete maniac like I do, or do you drive like a little blue haired lady? Or do you drive like a little blue haired lady who's a maniac?" He wheezed with laughter.

"Somewhere in the middle."

"Gotcha. Then the trip will take you conservatively 20 minutes. Are you a conservative, son? Who did you vote for in the last election?"

I try to avoid political discussions, and I edged away slowly. "Thanks so much for your help."

"Wait, now, wait. You haven't paid for my directions. You have to hear a joke. Want to hear a dirty joke?"

I looked around the Sprint store. "Sure, I guess so."

"Horse fell in the mud. Get it? The horse was clean, but then he fell into the mud, that makes him dirty. It's a dirty joke. Get it?" He chuckled.

"Got it."

"OK, OK, one more, just one more. Guy goes to see his Doctor, the Doc says, 'Well, I have good news and bad news.' The Guy says, 'Doc, give me the good news first.'
Doc says 'All right, you've got 24 hours to live.' The Guy looked shocked and said 'Oh my God, what's the bad news?' Doc says, 'I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.' Get it?" The old man began wheezing with laughter again.


"You get it? The guy is dying, and he's maybe got minutes to live, maybe seconds. Oh, that's a good one. That's rich." The wheezing turned into a hacking cough.

"Thanks so much for the directions," I said as I moved quickly for the door. Everywhere I go, even when I'm taking a little time for relaxation, they always find me. I have to admit, it keeps life interesting.

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