THE SPELLING DOG

I had taken a car to Miami, and my old buddy John Hazzard asked if I could give him a ride to Orlando.  I picked up a new car to take up to Atlanta, so it was right on my path.  As I neared John's office building, my cell phone rang.  "This is Bill."

"Well hello, is this my little cumquat?"  It was my malicious boss Riff.

"What can I do for you, Riff?"

"Don't take that attitude with me, jelly belly.  I need you to pick up that car in Miami just as soon as you drop off the other one.  It has to be in Atlanta by tomorrow night."

"Already done."

"You're already in Atlanta?"

"No, I mean the Miami car has been dropped off and I'm driving the Atlanta car."

He grumbled.  "Then get your fat ass to Atlanta, because there is another car there going to Salt Lake City.  Do you think you can manage that, my little sunflower seed?"

"I'll call you from Atlanta, Riff."  I hung up, then turned the corner to see John standing in front of the building in downtown Miami.  He had a briefcase in one hand and pulled along a rolling suitcase, both of which he threw into the back seat.  As he sat in the front passenger seat, I could see that he was dressed impeccably as usual.

"Hello old friend," he said, extending his hand to shake.  I took his hand and shook, then pulled into traffic and started the journey.  "By the by, my secretary Miss Coral sends her best wishes to you.  She is quite a fan of your blog, you know."

"She's one sweet and pretty lady."

He wagged a finger at me.  "Now don't you go getting any ideas, she is not available for you to date."

I shrugged.  "I just think she's very nice."

"Speaking of your blogs, the last one was incredible.  This wiseguy tells you that he knew your Dad and that he may be still alive?  And you are going to be looking for him, with the possibility of the Russian mob following you?  Have I got all of that right?"

"Yes."

"But how do you know this guy--"

"Joey Salerno."

"Right, Joey, how do you know he isn't trying to pull some con on you?  The whole thing is rather outlandish."

"Dreams often are."

"Dreams?  My God Bill, are you telling me that whole story was nothing but a dream?"

"That's correct."

"For pity's sake, are your blogs turning into the TV series DALLAS?  Where an entire misbegotten season was just Pam's dream?  If you were going to write about a dream, you might have ended the blog stating that what had been written all happened while you slept.  It was all in your mind."

"OK, noted.   Now tell me about this case you are working on up in Orlando.  What you emailed to me was intriguing."

"Bill, just how smart do you think dogs are?"

"Pretty smart.  More than I think a lot of people often give them credit for."

"This is really a fascinating case.  I was retained by a family with an unusual mixed breed dog named Gus.  He was a rescue dog, and the family grew to love him very much.  They wanted me to help nail down the movie rights or story rights about Gus."

"Movie rights?"

"As I wrote to you, this is a very unique dog.  He began arranging children's toys and building blocks into patterns.  Sort of odd, sort of cute, very unusual.  Then one day, the dog spelled the word 'me'
with the blocks."

"He spelled 'me'?

"He did indeed.  This seemed too strange to simply be a coincidence.  So they contacted an animal behavior specialist who dismissed it as a hoax."

"How could the dog pull off a hoax like that?"

John shook his head.  "I don't believe he could.  The dog began to spell more and more words with the blocks, of course always when no one was looking.  They set up a video camera one day and actually caught the dog placing the blocks in his mouth and setting them up to spell the words.  That's when they called me."

"And you took the case."

"I had to, this was the most intriguing case to come down the pike in quite a while."

"So what happened?"

"Well, nothing."  He shrugged.  "A week after I was retained and saw the dog in action, he disappeared."

"What?  I don't understand, where did he go?"

"No idea, buddy.  It doesn't look like he was stolen.  All evidence to the contrary.  It appears he simply ran off.  But he did leave a message in toy blocks in the lawn that said, "He's coming."

I pondered this.  "Who's coming?  Who is He?"

John let out a long sigh.  "I just don't know Bill.  But the lawyer in me says it ain't good."

I smiled.  "And now you are going to see the family to get some answers?"

"I am going to tie up the movie rights for them.  This just became a more valuable movie project than before."  He turned to me slowly and squinted his eyes.  "Bill, do you suppose this conversation will become one of your blogs?"

"Can you blame me if it does?  It's one heck of a tale."  John reached over and pinched me hard.  I jumped in my seat.  "Hey!  What was that for?"  

"I just wanted you to be sure that this wasn't all a dream."

GAME CHANGER

I had just dropped off a car in Las Vegas, and my boss Riff called and really pissed me off with his rantings.  I hung up on him and decided to relax for a day and enjoy the sights.  Gambling, free drinks while you gamble, beautiful women, great shows.  Viva Las Vegas!

At 3pm I sat down at a Blackjack table at the MGM Grand.  I don't gamble much, but when I do I like Blackjack, and am usually pretty lucky when I play.  This day was no exception.  I sat down with $20 to bet, and within 30 minutes I was up $200.  I didn't win every hand, but I won enough, and doubled down at all the right moments.  I'm no expert, just a good friend of Lady Luck.

One hour later, I was up to $540.  I might have had more if I was at a table with larger minimum bets, but I am a very cautious gambler.  I could never get rich at the tables, I think I'm way too careful for that.  As I pondered how much longer I should ride this good streak, two large men stepped up behind me and made themselves known.  "Excuse me, Mr. Thomas."

I turned to look at them.  "Me?  You want Bill Thomas?"

"Yes, Mr. Bill Thomas.  Mr. Salerno would like to have a word with you."

I looked them both over. They were well dressed, but big and beefy.  They looked like bodyguards or muscle or some such.  "What's this about?  Have I done something wrong?"

"Absolutely not, sir.  Mr. Salerno sends greetings and good wishes to you, and he'd be most appreciative for a few minutes of your time."

I shrugged.  "I'm winning here, guys."

"We understand.  Can you follow us, please?"

So I wrapped it up at the table and tipped the lovely dealer, then got up and walked with these dignified goons.  One of them walked in front of me, one of them behind me.  I began to feel like I was in one of those noir detective films, where the Big Boss sends his boys to get the gumshoe and bring him in for a beating.

I was taken out the front door and led to a white super stretch limousine.  The guy in front of me opened the door and motioned me in.  I climbed in the back and saw a man who looked like he could be from the cast of GOODFELLAS.  "Hello Bill Thomas, I'm Joey Salerno.  Real pleasure to make your acquaintance."  He held his hand out to shake.  The car door closed behind me, and the car took off.  I stared at Joey's hand, then took it and shook.  He looked like he was really happy to see me.

"Who are you and why am I here, Joey?"

He grinned from ear to ear.  "Good question.  When I give you an answer, you are gonna have about a million more questions."

"Well, I'm kind of nervous Joey.  I was minding my own business when your boys came and grabbed me up--"

Joey interrupted, looking very upset.  "Grabbed you?  Did they touch you?"

"What?  No, I just meant they pulled me out of the casino, and I was doing pretty good at Blackjack."

"But they didn't hurt you?  Didn't touch you?"

I shook my head.  "No, I'm fine."

He seemed genuinely relieved.  "Good.  Good."  He rubbed his hands together anxiously.  "Bill, what do you know about your father?"

I shrugged.  "Just what my mother told me.  That he left us when I was very young, and that he died shortly after."

Joey winked at me.  "That's a lie."

"What do you mean?"

"Your mother threw him out, they always fought and couldn't get along.  He loved her very much, but she just..."

"Joey, how do you know all this?"

"Because your father Larry Thomas is my best friend in the world."

"Don't you mean 'was'?"

"Is.  Larry is still alive."

Time stood still for a moment.  My ears turned very hot and began to ring.  I felt all numb, then I felt like a ton of bricks fell on my head.  "Excuse me, did you say...?"

"Your father, Larry Thomas, is still very much alive.  At least as far as I know."

"How can... but how... why didn't... then he really...?"

"Here come those million questions I told you about."

"My dad is dead.  Everyone knows that."

"Everyone your mother told, that's who knows that.  They know her truth, not the real truth."

I gave my cheek a slap just to be certain I was wide awake.  It stung, but at least I knew I had not imagined this.  "How did you know him?"

"Larry and I met in the army.  We served together, and became fast friends.  In fact, we became so close you could say we were brothers."

"My mother never mentioned you."

"Did your mother ever mention anyone or anything about your father?"

"She just said he had no interest in me, and his family had asked that I never contact them."

Joey shook his head sadly.  "Bill, it's a long story, but suffice it to say that your father got in bed with some wrong people.  He didn't know it, he thought he was doing legit accounting work."

"He was an accountant?"

"Yes, Larry was amazing with numbers.  A real genius.  But anyway, let's just say he got sideways of the wrong guys.  He didn't know Russian mobsters were behind his employers.  And when he learned too much, he became a liability.  He needed to disappear."

"So that's why he left us?"

"No, he wanted to take his family with him.  But your mother made him crazy, and he knew they couldn't stay together.  So he left on his own.  You were born eight months later."

"He left before I was born?"

"He didn't even find out about you until a few years later.  And he kept up with you as you grew, but he couldn't step out of the shadows long enough to see you.  Plus, he would have had to contend with your mother."

My head was tingling.  "So he's alive.  He's out there somewhere.  But where?"

"Honestly, I haven't heard from him in years.  Last time he got in touch he was living in Oregon.  But you travel around the country, maybe you'll find him."

I nodded aggressively.  "I will."

Joey smiled.  "Yeah, I know you will."

"How did you find me?"

"I've been looking for you for a long time.  Then this morning, I see you at the MGM Grand, and you are the spitten image of your dad.  No kidding, you even sound like him.  So fate brought you to my door."

"What do you do for a living, Joey?"

"This and that.  Don't worry about it."  He paused. "I know you want to find Larry, but be careful."

"Careful?  Why?"

"I'm not convinced the Russian mob is done looking for him.  They have long memories, and your dad knows things that could do them harm.  A lot of harm."

I chuckled.  "So it's a race to see who finds him first?"

"Don't laugh.  Bill, if they find out you're looking for him, they may follow you."

I got a chill.  I didn't like the sound of being followed.  I'm a driving fool and a free spirit.

Joey and I drove around Vegas and talked for a few hours.  He told me a lot of really great stories about my father, who I knew very little about.  Then he took me out for a very nice dinner, and got me a suite at the Mirage hotel for the night.  He gave me his contact info and said to call him anytime for anything.  My life just took a dramatic but interesting turn.

BLACK & BLUE ICE

I was walking up to the door of Mrs. Sherman's house in Maryland to pick up her car for the annual trip south.  It would be my first car delivery of 2014, and while I normally got her car each year just before Christmas, this year she had delayed until after the holidays.  My cell phone rang just as I got to the front porch.  "This is Bill."

"Oh Bill, good, I'm so glad I reached you," said sweet, elderly Mrs. Sherman.  She was a kind woman, but her age seemed to affect her mind.  "Aren't you coming today to pick up my car today to drive to Florida?"

"Yes I am.  And I just arrived."  I rang her doorbell.

"Bill, I'm going to have to put you on hold.  Someone is at my front door."  I could hear her setting the phone down, and a few minutes later she opened the front door.  "Oh, hello Bill.  I was just thinking of calling you and finding out where you were."

"I'm here."

"Yes, well I can see that.  Come on inside, it's awfully cold out there."

"Yes, it sure is."  And it was, the temperature hovering just above zero, and the wind chill way below zero.  There was snow on the ground, and I knew driving conditions would not be optimal.

She led me into her kitchen, and she paused to pick up the phone receiver that laid on the table.  She put the phone up to her ear and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I have company right now.  I will have to call you back later.  Bye bye."  She hung up the phone and turned to smile at me.  "I'm 96 years old now, but I still have friends and I'm still very popular."

"I'm not surprised."

"Well, you shouldn't be.  Now, you have a long trip ahead and the weather is horrible.  So I need to give you some trips on driving my car.  You need to watch out for the hail that may come down.  It looks like rain, only its small frozen balls, sometimes the size of a marble, sometimes the size of a golf ball.  We call it hail, but not hell like in the home of Satan the devil.  Hail like in all hail the king.  Understand?"

I nodded.  "Yes, ma'am."

"Good.  I also want you to watch out for the black and blue ice.  You'll find patches of ice on the road and you can't see them, but when you hit them you'll know it.  We call it black and blue ice because if you hit it, you can spin the car and crash, and then you'll be all black and blue.  If you survive."

"Thank you for the tip."

"No tips, Bill.  You know by now how I feel about gratuities, I don't want to insult your integrity by offering you one."

"No, I get it, that's fine."

"Can I bake you a batch of brownies?  Do you have time for a visit?"

"I appreciate it Mrs. Sherman, but I think I'd better get on the road if I want to meet you in Bonita Springs in two days."

"Yes, yes, well you're right of course."

We talked a bit more and then I got her to sign the paperwork and I left.  The drive was already tricky, with other cars on the road zigging and zagging erratically, as if they didn't notice the bad weather conditions.  My cell phone rang, and I saw it was Karen, the love of my life.  "This is Bill."

"And this is Karen.  Happy New year."

"Same to you but more of it.  How are you?"

"More to the point, how are you?  We sleep together then you just forget about me?"

"I haven't forgotten you at all.  I never could, don't be silly.  I've just been busy."

"Couldn't you have called?"

"I've called you three times and left messages.  And I dropped by your Cafe in Richmond, but you weren't there.  Didn't anyone tell you?"

"No.  I'm about to fire my staff, they are all sub par."

I could see that my boss Riff was trying to call through.  "Karen, I have to go."

"We need to talk.  Soon.  Face to face."

"We will  I promise.  Call you later."  I hung up and then picked up Riff's call.  "Yes, Riff?"

"Where in God's name are you?"

"Just picked up Mrs. Sherman's car, headed for Florida."

"OK, well when you get it delivered, I need you to go to Orlando and pick up a car that's headed
to Las Vegas.  Think you can handle such a complex assignment, Tinkerbell?"

"Yep, got it covered."  I had another call coming in.  "Riff, I have to go."  I hung up on him and picked up the new call.  "This is Bill."

"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman.  Now are you coming to pick up my car today to take to Florida?  I was expecting you to be here already."

Just then I hit a slick spot on the highway and began to slide one way then the other.  Black and blue ice alert!

CHRISTMAS LOVE

Christmas Eve 2013, and I was almost to my destination for the night.  My good friend Ed in New Jersey had suggested I stop by, as I was set to deliver in Rhode Island on the day after Christmas.  He insisted I stay with his family for Christmas, and I happily accepted.

I was a little bit surprised at first, because his wife Diane had asked that I not stop by for a while.  There has always been a bit of friction between us that I regret, and once it came to the point where I didn't think she wanted me there, I had avoided Ed's home.  So this invitation caught me off guard.

As I pulled into Ed's driveway, he came out the front door and met me as I parked and climbed out of the hatchback I was driving.  "Bill, welcome."

"Christmas Eve gift."

"OK, whatever that means."

"It is a Christmas tradition in my family."

"I'm all for tradition.  Listen, just wanted to give you a heads up on Diane.  She is not doing too well."

"Is she sick?" I asked.

"Sick at heart, you might say."  He folded his hands and looked down at the ground.  "I've never seen her like this."

"What's wrong?"

"You know that her Mother died last week, right?"

"No, I did not know.  I'm sorry to hear it."

"Yeah, well it was a long time coming.  It wasn't much of a shock for anyone but Diane.  And she just isn't coping with it at all."

"Should I leave then?  Is this a bad time?"

"Heck no you're not leaving," Ed proclaimed.  "It's Christmas buddy.  Where would you go?"

I shrugged.  He hugged me tightly, then we went into the house.

Ed had to go pick up the kids, and I said I'd just hang around the house until he got back.  He warned me that Diane should be left alone, but that she'd most likely stay in her room.  I sat at the kitchen table and began to write.  Sometimes it feels like I don't have enough opportunity to work on my writing, but I love it so much.

A half hour after Ed left, I heard a crash.  Diane appeared in the kitchen, and seemed startled to see me.  "Bill?  What are you doing here?"

"Ed invited me for Christmas.  Hope you don't mind?"

She held her hand up to her head and made a motion like she was knocking on her skull.  "Yes, yes, I remember now.  It's all set, it's fine, I don't have a problem with this."

"Good, I thank you for your hospitality."  I stayed quiet while she fumbled around the kitchen.  It looked like she was trying to find something, but I chose to leave her be.  That is, until she dropped to her knees and began sobbing.  I hurried over to her side.

"She's gone, Bill.  My Mom is gone.  How am I supposed to...?"

"I understand."

Diane lashed out at me.  "You do not understand. no one possibly can.  I've lost the woman who was dearest in the world to me.  And right before Christmas, for pity's sake!"

I nodded.  "I feel for you."

"Really?  You?  Well I guess that makes me feel so much better," she spat out sarcastically.

"Diane, did you know that my own mother died ten years ago."

This stopped her cold.  "What?  No."

"It's true.  She and my brother were riding to come and meet me over the holidays, and they were killed by a drunk driver.  Ever since, the holidays tended to be very hard for me to deal with."

"How did you get through it?"

"Just like in AA, one day at a time.  I know that sounds trite, but its a simple plan that really does work.  I know you miss your Mom, and I feel for your loss so deeply.  You are a dear, sweet, wonderful lady who adored your Mom, and now she has left us.  But she is somewhere so much better than here, and one day you will see her again."

"You think?"

"I know.  That is what gives me comfort."

Diane nodded, then got angry.  "But its not fair!  Its not fair!  Do you realize what a big hole there will be in my life without her."

"Yes, I do.  When my mother and brother died, it pretty much left me alone.  My Dad died when I was very young, before I had a chance to meet him.  So I would encourage you to be happy you still have your Dad around.  And Ed, who loves you very much.  And your kids, who couldn't get along without you.  I know you're hurting right now, but try real hard to focus on the living.  There are people here who need you very much."
'
"Thank you, Bill."

I took her hand and gave it a squeeze.  "And I'm your friend, and I will be here for you anytime that you need me."  Diane came at me fast and grabbed me for a hug.  It was warm and welcome.

I thought a lot about it as the day wore on.  Here was this woman who I had been having strained relations with for so many years, and now I was her friend and confidante.  I still have this theory that if we can overcome our petty grievances and jealousies and try to reach out and help others, the world would be that much better of a place.  I spent the rest of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day being as jolly as I possibly could, and being so thankful that I had a family to spend the holiday with. 

THANKFUL FOR CHILI

I was on my way to pick up a car on Thanksgiving Day.  My boss Riff said that the company wanted their car in New York City by Monday, and the only day the terminated employee was free was on Turkey day.  Not a problem for me, I had no other plans.  My buddy Frank in Birmingham had asked me to dinner with his family.  In fact, quite a few of my friends who I visit with as I travel around the USA had offered invitations, but I didn't know where I would be.

As it turns out, Sante Fe, New Mexico.  I came into town on a crowded bus late morning, and then got off and climbed into a taxi.  The extremely dirty taxi finally turned onto the street where I was set to pick up, and I hopped out as quickly as I could in the driveway and paid cash.  There was a terrible odor in the cab that I could not wait to get away from.

I walked up the driveway, and a large burly man approached me.  He had on a filthy bathrobe which was wide open, and underneath was a T shirt and boxers.  He appeared to be in bad need of a bath and a shave, and I think he'd been drinking.  "You the guy?" he asked me.

I smiled and nodded.  "Yes Mr. Lombardi, I am Bill Thomas your friendly driver."

He grumbled.  "Yes, I just bet you are.  Come to take my car from me, have you?"

"Yes sir.  Hope you're having a Happy Thanksgiving."

"Oh sure, its a regular party around here!  I can't believe your boss and my boss both make us work on a holiday.  Oh wait a minute... I'm not working, I got fired.  That's why you're stealing my car away from me."

"Uh, your company said they needed the car in New York early Monday."

"And how is that my problem?"

"It's not, but I --"

"But nothing.  Couldn't you have been a little more considerate than to pick up my car on Thanksgiving day?  Do you have a heart?"

"I do.  I was told that you selected this day, that you wanted me to come today."

"That's entirely beside the point."

"OK."

He shook his head and slammed his fist down on the roof of the Ford Taurus.  "Bill, I don't have a job now.  But you want to know what I do have?  I have a mortgage and a car payment and a wife with a fond affection for shopping with my credit card.  Know what else?  I have two kids, one of them needs braces and the other needs..."  He stopped and glared at me.  "Well sir, I don't think I'm going to tell you what the other one needs."

"I don't need to know.  I just want to do a quick inspection of the car, then you'll sign off on it and I'll be on my way."

"Nope."

I was confused.  "No?"

"No sir.  Not gonna happen."

"Which part is a No?"

"All of it.  The whole shooting match."

"I don't understand."

"The only way I'm gonna let you take this car is if you buy some of my homemade chili."  He lumbered over to ten stacks of boxes and grabbed one.  He hauled it over to the Ford and slammed the box onto the trunk.  "Best damn chili in the southwest, and I made it all myself."

"Really?"

"Did I stutter?  I thought I'd find a way of generating more income, so I made up a whole lot of this chili.  Figured I'd sell it on the Internet, and to friends and family.  You know."

I simply nodded.  "Yes sir."

"I used a special recipe.  Three kinds of beans, the fattiest, greasiest meat on the market, plus cayenne peppers, jalapeno peppers, tabasco sauce, and a healthy dose of that blazing hot Chinese chili sauce.  It packs a wallop, let me tell you.  Oh yes, and there is one full cup of brown sugar in every jar. "

"I used to love chili, had the best ever in Texas once."

"Texas?"  He roared with laughter, then became grim.  "Let me tell you something, Texas is a pussy state with pussy chili.  You hear me?  You're in the southwest now, we border Mexico in this state!"

I wondered if he realized that the state of Texas also borders Mexico, but chose to remain silent.  I just walked around the car and marked on my paperwork where I found any dents or scratches.  When I was done, I came back to Mr. Lombardi.  "OK, now if you can just sign here."

"I'm not signing nothing.  And you're not getting the keys."

"Why not?"

"I already told you.  If you want the car, you gotta buy five jars of my homemade chili."

"It's real nice of you to offer, but I can't eat chili."

"Everyone eats chili."

"Not me, not anymore.  I have a stomach condition, and all that fire you have in that chili would kill me."

"It would not kill you, don't stretch the truth."

"You're right, let's just say it would cause me some serious, horrible pain."

He slapped me on the back hard.  "Come on Bill, be a man.  This stuff will grow hair on your chest.  And your back and your feet and your hands.  It'll even put some hair on your chinny-chin-chin!"

I stood and weighed my options.  This guy seemed pretty firm in his convictions, and I really wanted to get in the car and get down the road.  Long drive from New Mexico to New York, and I would doubtless run into lots of holiday traffic.  "I don't have much cash on me."

"Look Bill, I'm out of a job now and this chili is all I have to make enough income to take care of my family.  My wife, and my kids.  Have a heart, man.  And ask yourself, just how badly do I want to take this car with me."

I shuffled my feet.  "How much will it be?"

"Five bucks a jar.  I'll sell you a case."

"I'll take two jars."

"That's not the deal."

I took out my wallet and opened it wide for him to inspect.  There was one ten dollar bill inside.  "That is all the money I have, take it or leave it."

He cursed a few times under his breath, then said, "You are very lucky, I'm going to take your ten bucks and let you take the car."

"Thank you, Mr. Lombardi."

He held out the keys for me, and when I reached for them he snatched them back.  "But remember one thing.  When you go to bed to night, you better hit your knees and thank the good Lord in Heaven above that you met a charitable man today.  I could have kept the car and sent you packing.  Hell, I could have beaten you and left you in a ditch where no one would find you."

I smiled politely.  "I'm awfully glad you didn't."  I took the keys and handed him the ten dollar bill.

He reached into the box and took out two jars.  Then he reached in again and pulled out a third. "Oh crap, here you go, I'll give you three because I'm in the holiday spirit.  Even if I don't have a job and may be in the poor house soon.  Merry Christmas!"

"Happy Thanksgiving," I replied.

"You don't have to go be some sort of smart assed smart aleck, correcting me on my holidays.  Just for that, I'm taking back your bonus jar."  And he did.  "Now hit the road before I change my mind and do some real damage."

I didn't know what he meant by that, but didn't want to hang around and find out.  I got in the car and headed northeast for New York City.  And I said a prayer that all of my friends and family were all having a very Happy Thanksgiving 2013.

THE HAPPY MONGOLIAN

As I was walking down the street yesterday morning in Greensboro, North Carolina, I heard the ring tone on my cell phone which indicated that my boss Riff was calling.  It was a tune of doom and gloom, sort of a death march song.  "Hello Riff."

"Don't try to butter me up butterball,I am royally pissed at you."

"I'm not too happy with you, either."

I could hear the shock in his voice as he asked,  "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me.  You owe me money, you always owe me money."

"I'm not a freakin' money tree!"

"I only want you to pay me what I earn, and you are about $900 shy of that right now."

"That's a damn lie."

"No sir, it's an understatement.  Check your books.  No wait, you don't need to check your books, because you know full well you've been cheating me."

"You impudent little bastard!"

"If you're calling about the car in Greensboro, it's still not ready.  It's at Firestone, and they say they will have it serviced by 5pm."

"And when will your delicate disposition allow you to deliver it to Wyoming, my little pussywillow?"

"Three days from now.  It's quite a drive."

"Sure it is, but if you were any kind of man you'd drive the entire 1700 miles without stopping."

"Well, I guess I'm not that kind of man.  Which is a crazy man."

"You are no kind of man at all."  That's when I hung up.

As I walked along, I felt the stress and tension in my back, neck and shoulders.  I drive and I write, and both jobs require long hours of sitting still in one place.  I get very tense and sore, and knew I could use a good therapeutic massage.  When I turned the corner, I saw a little house with a sign out front that read "THE HAPPY MONGOLIAN --Massage."  It could not have been more fortuitous, and I walked right up to the front door and went in.

Inside, the lights were off but many candles were burning.  A pretty young Asian girl ran out into the reception area and grabbed my hand.  She was wearing a peek-a-boo nightgown and spoke in pidgin english  "Hello, hello I'm Tina.  You come, I give you good massage."

"Hang on," I said, pulling my hand away from her.  "I just wanted to find out what your prices are."

Tina grabbed my hand again and held on tight.  "$80 for massage, and you get happy ending."

"What?"

"Happy ending.  Very, very happy ending."

"Uh... I just want a good old therapeutic massage."

"Oh yeah, good ole thay-a-pootic, with happy ending."

"I don't want a happy ending."

"You like my happy ending!"  She smiled and nodded knowingly.

"I just want a massage."

"We called Happy Mongolian because the Mongolian was fierce warrior."  Tina held her hands up like claws and bared her teeth.  "Grrrrrrr!  They fierce, but we tame them with happy ending."

"But I don't want --"

"You don't like me?  We got four more pretty girls in the back."  She held up her hand and counted with fingers.  "One, two, three, four."  Then she leaned towards me and dropped her voice a few octaves as if to make a strong impression.  "One, two, three, four."

I pulled my hand away again, and she tried to grab it again.  I kept moving it around and she chased it with her own hand.  "I don't think I want a massage today."

"How about just happy ending?  Happy beginning, happy ending?"

"No, nothing, no happy.  I have to go."  As I turned to walk out, she quickly grabbed one of my butt cheeks and gave it a good squeeze.

"You come back.  I love you!"

I left and went to Firestone to wait and watched the TV in their customer lounge.  Just before 5pm, a promo came on for the local news.  A reporters voice said,  "And police raided The Happy Mongolian today for prostitution."  The images showed Tina and the other girls being taken out in cuffs along with some male clients.  So all in all, it did not appear to be a happy ending.

BIGFOOT EXISTS

Halloween night, and I found myself driving on a dark country highway 65 miles northwest of Austin.  State Capital of Texas and home of Alamo Drafthouse Cinema.  And of course SXSW film and music festival.  I was trying to think distracting thoughts so I would not soak up the forebording vibe out on this night of spooks and goblins.  I'm a driving fool and a fearless man... that's what I'm supposed to be, anyhow.

That's about the time my front tire blew out, and my heart jumped right thru my throat and up to my brain.  I swerved hard on this narrow two lane highway, but was able to control the car and get pulled over on the side of the road.  I got out and could see a problem right away:  it was so pitch dark out that I was going to have a heck of a time changing tires.  I got out my trusty flashlight and fumbled to keep it aimed on the tire as I did my task.

I kept on hearing noises from the woods on both sides of the road.  It was more than a little unnerving.  Some of them were louder and more odd than others.  I felt a chill go threw me.  I heard something pop to the left of me, and jerked my head to the side to see.  Then I heard a distinctive crack to the right of me and whipped my head in that direction.

Then just as I was finishing tightening bolts on the spare tire, the jack and crowbar slipped and I jammed my right hand hard.    I dropped onto my butt and grasped my hand in pain, and then I heard it...

Crashing and thrashing sounds coming from the woods.  Unlike any of the other sounds I had heard, this was big and it was moving steadily in my direction. A deer darted out of the woods and across the road.  I jumped up and climbed into the car, locking the doors.  Even in the dark, I could make out the movement of the trees and this huge object moved towards me.  When I caught sight of it stepping from the woods, I thought it was a bear.  Or could it be a really large gorilla?

Or maybe... I grew up being fascinated by the legend of Bigfoot.  Sasquatch.  I always just figured it was a really good story, but I think that this was him.  Or it.  And he is what ran for my car as I started up and screamed away faster than I've ever driven in my life.  With the car trunk wide open and the tools left on the highway.   It sounded like I hit something as I drove away.  It was 30 miles to the next gas station, and I stopped there to check on the tire and see what I hit.

Turns out I didn't hit anything.  But it looked like something had hit me.  On the right rear fender there was a large indention where it looked like a small tree had fallen.  And in the mouldings I saw lots of hairs.  I felt every hair on my neck stand up and salute.  A childhood boogeyman had just become very real to me.  And crossing paths with this terrifying creature would no doubt haunt me for some time to come.

Interestingly, I had just read yesterday that a company called Court Five is coming out with a movie called EXISTS which is about Bigfoot.   Since it is directed by Eduardo Sanchez, who did THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, I am certain that it will be very scary.  I am also certain that I will be squirming in my seat when I watch it, remembering the night that a driving fool had a close encounter with a legend.