It was my birthday last week, and as I drove through the great state of Texas I thought about birthdays the past several years. Like when I got invited to stay with a great Mexican family in Indianapolis on my birthday, very last minute and improptu. And my birthday where my cousin showed up in his private jet to surprise me.
This year I was headed to Tom and Jenny's ranch in Texas. It was always a good time with them, and I knew they would be excited to see me.
As I drove up the driveway, I could see that there were many more dogs there than the last time I came. I parked and got out of the car, and a frisbee bounced off the back of my head. I spun around to see Jenny laughing. "Guess it got away from me," she giggled.
"Yeah, sure it did." I smiled and went to hug her. She squeezed me tight, Jenny was always good for hugs.
"Happy Birthday, Bill-dog. I'm so glad you're here."
"Me too. Thanks for having me."
"Well thanks for being had." We both laughed.
I walked to the trunk of my car and popped it open. "I have gifts for you all."
"What? No, this is your birthday."
"Yep, it is. But don't forget my tradition of picking the people I'm truly closest to and bringing them gifts."
"You have some nutty policies, my friend."
Just then, Tom walked out the door. "Who's got nuts?"
"Hey Tom, how are you buddy?"
"I'm OK, the question is how are you?"
"Celebrating my birthday by getting gifts for my closest friends." I handed Tom a case of Bud Light. "I sure do hope I got the size that fits you."
He smiled and nodded. "Perfect size, and its my favorite color too-- Bud Light Blue."
I looked around the yard. "Looks like you have even more dogs now."
"One hundred to be exact," Tom exclaimed.
"Quit exxagerating," scolded Jenny. "We have 99 dogs, no more and no less.
We all went into the house where their three foster daughters were playing. I handed each one of them a gift bag which had toys and dolls and such inside. The girls were tickled pink. Then I handed Jenny a check for $30. "This is for your Dog adoption fund. Its not much, but its--" I was quickly interrupted by Jenny giving me a kiss on the lips. There was no romance, just deep gratitude in those lips.
I excused myself and walked back outside to the trunk of my car. I reached inside and grabbed the first of three big bags full of dog food. And a couple of boxes of dog treats. I took it all inside and said, "Well, I don't know how far this will stretch, but maybe it will help."
"Bill-dog, every single thing helps. And much more than you know. I thank you so much, but I still don't understand why you're doing stuff for us on your birthday."
"Because I love you guys. Because you mean a whole, whole lot to me. And because I still believe in the Golden rule, even if most people don't. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And its better to give than to receive. Know what I mean?"
Jenny smiled and nodded her head. It turned out to be a really wonderful birthday for me.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
ANOTHER MOTHER
Last Sunday was Mother's day, and I may have mentioned its a bad day for me. Ever since my Mom and brother died on the same day in a car accident. But this year instead of mourning, I was on a mission which I hoped would distract me from my own personal woes.
My childhood buddy Pete had died one year ago today. He was killed by a drunk driver, and it broke my heart to pieces when I got the news from his mother Connie. Growing up on the same street as Pete, I was constantly running over to his house to play. Connie was very good to me, she took a fancy to me and loved to feed me. So often I ate two suppers with my Mom none the wiser. Connie was also a kind and compassionate woman that I was able to go to and talk about personal matters that my Mom would never have been comfortable with.
I knew that Connie was grieving. No less than I was over the loss that made me begin to feel alone in the world. I know that sounds dumb, because in fact I have friends all over the USA who care about me deeply and frequently play host to me in their homes. And there's always my cousins. But never meeting your Dad and losing your Mom can be hard on any guy.
As I drove this brand new Pontiac Soltice, I kept on remembering Pete and the trouble we got into. Not so much trouble as mischief, but I was always the ringleader. I would suggest we go hiking into the deepest, darkest woods, or ride on a pool float on the rapids in the river. But we were close, blood brothers, and I found myself hurting from missing him so much.
It was lucky that I had a car going to Birmingham, where Pete and I grew up. Before delivering the car, I was going to stop in the Homewood area to see Connie. And when I pulled into her driveway, she was sitting out on the front steps. She was still a beauty, red hair and a curvy figure, although maybe I shouldn't say that about a friend's mother. Well I said it, so it's out there. But Connie is so much more than good looks, she is sweet and sharp and clever and wonderful. And she was the pure definition of a "classy lady."
Connie walked out to the car as I got out, arms outstretched. "Hello, darling," she cooed.
I hugged her and said "Hi Connie, so good to see you."
She grasped my shoulders hard and said, "Now let's get this out of the way. Your mother and brother and my Pete all died senselessly from a drunken driver. It's tragic but its done, and it will forever bond us even closer together."
I nodded. "I'll always be close to you."
She cradled my cheek in her hand. "And I will always love you, son. Come on inside, baby. You're home."
My childhood buddy Pete had died one year ago today. He was killed by a drunk driver, and it broke my heart to pieces when I got the news from his mother Connie. Growing up on the same street as Pete, I was constantly running over to his house to play. Connie was very good to me, she took a fancy to me and loved to feed me. So often I ate two suppers with my Mom none the wiser. Connie was also a kind and compassionate woman that I was able to go to and talk about personal matters that my Mom would never have been comfortable with.
I knew that Connie was grieving. No less than I was over the loss that made me begin to feel alone in the world. I know that sounds dumb, because in fact I have friends all over the USA who care about me deeply and frequently play host to me in their homes. And there's always my cousins. But never meeting your Dad and losing your Mom can be hard on any guy.
As I drove this brand new Pontiac Soltice, I kept on remembering Pete and the trouble we got into. Not so much trouble as mischief, but I was always the ringleader. I would suggest we go hiking into the deepest, darkest woods, or ride on a pool float on the rapids in the river. But we were close, blood brothers, and I found myself hurting from missing him so much.
It was lucky that I had a car going to Birmingham, where Pete and I grew up. Before delivering the car, I was going to stop in the Homewood area to see Connie. And when I pulled into her driveway, she was sitting out on the front steps. She was still a beauty, red hair and a curvy figure, although maybe I shouldn't say that about a friend's mother. Well I said it, so it's out there. But Connie is so much more than good looks, she is sweet and sharp and clever and wonderful. And she was the pure definition of a "classy lady."
Connie walked out to the car as I got out, arms outstretched. "Hello, darling," she cooed.
I hugged her and said "Hi Connie, so good to see you."
She grasped my shoulders hard and said, "Now let's get this out of the way. Your mother and brother and my Pete all died senselessly from a drunken driver. It's tragic but its done, and it will forever bond us even closer together."
I nodded. "I'll always be close to you."
She cradled my cheek in her hand. "And I will always love you, son. Come on inside, baby. You're home."
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
RHODE ISLANDERS
When I was a younger man, I swore by Japanese cars. Toyota and Honda were my cars of choice, because they were generally cheaper and definitely more reliable than most American made cars. But things have changed now, and as I'm driving cars all over the country, I get a chance to drive a whole lot of different cars and see what they are like. Ford has become my favorite new car, and I was driving a Ford Explorer from Tampa, Florida up to Rhode Island.
I thought I had delivered in all of the lower 48 states, but just realized that I'd never delivered in Rhode Island. Been through it many times, but until yesterday never actually dropped off a car here. With all of the bad weather in the northeast this winter, I was a little worried about coming up. But I checked the forecast and found I would be coming at a time when it was cold but no precipitation. And being in Rhode Island, I might even bump into little Stewie Griffin.
I got off the Interstate highway and took back roads from Connecticut to Rhode Island. When I crossed the state line, it was on a bridge going over a large frozen lake. I found it really incredibly beautiful.
Just a few miles past the sign welcoming me to the state, I stopped for gas. I went inside for a snack, and the cheerful woman behind the counter nodded at me. "Morning. Or I should say good afternoon, but you know what I mean."
"Yes I do," I said, smiling.
"Nice day, huh? It's really warmed up here. It's short sleeve weather."
"You must have been inside all day, its 33 degrees according to my car's thermometer."
She laughed. "We consider that balmy here. You're in Rhode Island now, things are a little bit different here."
I got my snack and continued on to the city of Warwick, which is where I was set to deliver. I had made a reservation at a motel and my first stop in town was to check in. There was a very nice man at the front desk and he said, "Welcome. How may I help you today?"
I showed him my reservation and he checked me in. "What is check out time?"
"Noon tomorrow, if you are only staying one night."
"I am."
"We have a delicious breakfast in the morning, all free for our guests. Eggs and bacon and waffles and cereal and danish and bagels. Coffee and various juices."
"That sounds wonderful."
"Well, you're in Rhode Island, we like to put out a spread and make people feel welcome."
"You sure do that well, I've gotta say." I went to my room and put down my bags. Then I decided to go get dinner at Cafe I saw down the block from the motel. The waitress who was serving me seemed very upset about something. I guess I have a sympathetic heart, because even when a perfect stranger is in distress I want to help.
"Have you decided yet?" she asked with a very serious expression on her face.
"There's so many good things on the menu, it's a tough decision."
"You from around here?"
"No, first time I've ever stopped in this state."
"Welcome to Rhode Island, you'll find it's a pretty nice place full of decent people. We are a hearty breed."
"Yes, I can tell."
"Why don't I let you look at the menu for a few more minutes."
"Um, wait." I looked around the Cafe and saw that there were more waitresses than customers at the moment. "I have a request."
"Let me guess, you want to substitute mashed potatoes for spinach."
I shook my head. "What? No. I wanted to ask if you could sit down and visit with me for a moment."
She looked a bit confused. Then she looked all around her and saw that it was too slow to make a good argument. "OK, but just for a minute." She sat down across from me, and I could see and feel her anguish. Something was very wrong.
"I don't mean to be too personal, but you look like you have something troubling on your mind."
She shrugged. "Maybe I do. But I don't know you, I'm not going to spill my guts to someone I just met."
I nodded. "Yes, but sometimes someone you don't know is the perfect person to unload on. No judgements, and I'll be gone tomorrow and you'll likely never see me again. If it would help to talk, then I'm listening."
I could see in her eyes that she was carefully weighing what I had just said. "Well... I caught my boyfriend cheating on me -- again! Last time it happened it was another guy, and this time it was my best friend. He says he'll never do it ever again, but for some reason I just don't trust him."
"That's very wise."
"Why?"
"Because he has promised you before and broke the promise. And if he was with a guy, then he probably isn't ready for a committed relationship with a woman."
"He's not gay!"
"I didn't say he was."
"But you implied, didn't you? Maybe he just has a strong sex drive and I can't satisfy him."
"Maybe its time for you to move on."
"Yes, but then maybe its time for you to mind your own business. This is Rhode Island, we are moral and made of good stock. I'm done talking." She got up quickly and walked off in a huff. Another waitress came to take my order, and I guessed I went too far with the gal I was trying to comfort. I try to help people wherever I go, but have learned that some people don't want any help. Not unless you tell them exactly what they want to hear.
After dinner, I got up to leave and the gal I had spoken to came up to me. "Hey, uh, I wanted to say... I mean... Just wanted to thank you for listening. I didn't mean to be a rude bitch."
"No, you absolutely were not. I need to keep my nose to myself."
She smiled. "Still, you were trying to reach out and help, and I do appreciate that. I'm just not used to it. You're in Rhode Island, and here we know when to say Thank You."
I left and went back to my room for a good night's sleep. It was good to be in Rhode Island.
I thought I had delivered in all of the lower 48 states, but just realized that I'd never delivered in Rhode Island. Been through it many times, but until yesterday never actually dropped off a car here. With all of the bad weather in the northeast this winter, I was a little worried about coming up. But I checked the forecast and found I would be coming at a time when it was cold but no precipitation. And being in Rhode Island, I might even bump into little Stewie Griffin.
I got off the Interstate highway and took back roads from Connecticut to Rhode Island. When I crossed the state line, it was on a bridge going over a large frozen lake. I found it really incredibly beautiful.
Just a few miles past the sign welcoming me to the state, I stopped for gas. I went inside for a snack, and the cheerful woman behind the counter nodded at me. "Morning. Or I should say good afternoon, but you know what I mean."
"Yes I do," I said, smiling.
"Nice day, huh? It's really warmed up here. It's short sleeve weather."
"You must have been inside all day, its 33 degrees according to my car's thermometer."
She laughed. "We consider that balmy here. You're in Rhode Island now, things are a little bit different here."
I got my snack and continued on to the city of Warwick, which is where I was set to deliver. I had made a reservation at a motel and my first stop in town was to check in. There was a very nice man at the front desk and he said, "Welcome. How may I help you today?"
I showed him my reservation and he checked me in. "What is check out time?"
"Noon tomorrow, if you are only staying one night."
"I am."
"We have a delicious breakfast in the morning, all free for our guests. Eggs and bacon and waffles and cereal and danish and bagels. Coffee and various juices."
"That sounds wonderful."
"Well, you're in Rhode Island, we like to put out a spread and make people feel welcome."
"You sure do that well, I've gotta say." I went to my room and put down my bags. Then I decided to go get dinner at Cafe I saw down the block from the motel. The waitress who was serving me seemed very upset about something. I guess I have a sympathetic heart, because even when a perfect stranger is in distress I want to help.
"Have you decided yet?" she asked with a very serious expression on her face.
"There's so many good things on the menu, it's a tough decision."
"You from around here?"
"No, first time I've ever stopped in this state."
"Welcome to Rhode Island, you'll find it's a pretty nice place full of decent people. We are a hearty breed."
"Yes, I can tell."
"Why don't I let you look at the menu for a few more minutes."
"Um, wait." I looked around the Cafe and saw that there were more waitresses than customers at the moment. "I have a request."
"Let me guess, you want to substitute mashed potatoes for spinach."
I shook my head. "What? No. I wanted to ask if you could sit down and visit with me for a moment."
She looked a bit confused. Then she looked all around her and saw that it was too slow to make a good argument. "OK, but just for a minute." She sat down across from me, and I could see and feel her anguish. Something was very wrong.
"I don't mean to be too personal, but you look like you have something troubling on your mind."
She shrugged. "Maybe I do. But I don't know you, I'm not going to spill my guts to someone I just met."
I nodded. "Yes, but sometimes someone you don't know is the perfect person to unload on. No judgements, and I'll be gone tomorrow and you'll likely never see me again. If it would help to talk, then I'm listening."
I could see in her eyes that she was carefully weighing what I had just said. "Well... I caught my boyfriend cheating on me -- again! Last time it happened it was another guy, and this time it was my best friend. He says he'll never do it ever again, but for some reason I just don't trust him."
"That's very wise."
"Why?"
"Because he has promised you before and broke the promise. And if he was with a guy, then he probably isn't ready for a committed relationship with a woman."
"He's not gay!"
"I didn't say he was."
"But you implied, didn't you? Maybe he just has a strong sex drive and I can't satisfy him."
"Maybe its time for you to move on."
"Yes, but then maybe its time for you to mind your own business. This is Rhode Island, we are moral and made of good stock. I'm done talking." She got up quickly and walked off in a huff. Another waitress came to take my order, and I guessed I went too far with the gal I was trying to comfort. I try to help people wherever I go, but have learned that some people don't want any help. Not unless you tell them exactly what they want to hear.
After dinner, I got up to leave and the gal I had spoken to came up to me. "Hey, uh, I wanted to say... I mean... Just wanted to thank you for listening. I didn't mean to be a rude bitch."
"No, you absolutely were not. I need to keep my nose to myself."
She smiled. "Still, you were trying to reach out and help, and I do appreciate that. I'm just not used to it. You're in Rhode Island, and here we know when to say Thank You."
I left and went back to my room for a good night's sleep. It was good to be in Rhode Island.
Friday, February 20, 2015
AQUA-BAT
I had delivered a car in southern Louisiana, and was looking for the Megabus stop to get me to Texas for my next pick up. While I hate riding Greyhound with a passion, I have come to like the Megabus very much. I stopped at a McDonalds for a chicken snack wrap, and since it was crowded inside I went out to eat at one of the tables outside. The weather was pretty nice for a February day.
Two elderly women came outside clearly looking for a spot to sit down. I offered them my table, and they were most grateful. As I looked for another place where I could at least lean against a wall while I finished eating, I was approached rather suddenly by an extremely odd looking man in a costume. Well, more like two costumes actually. It was partially Batman, and partially Aquaman. It was as if this person had bought two of the cheapest Halloween costumes you could possibly buy and somehow made a hybrid out of them.
"You are a very good American citizen, my friend," he said to me.
"I am? Well thanks."
"No thanks necessary. You gave up your seat for those old bags, and in my book that makes you a hero."
I laughed. "Trust me, I'm no hero."
He pointed a finger at me. "No, you trust me, you are a hero. And I would know, because I'm a hero. You might say I'm a superhero. Name and designation, please?"
"Me? I'm Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."
He nodded. "Hello, Bill. I'm Aqua-Bat."
"You're...? Did you say Aqua-Bat?"
"That's right, you heard correctly. I'm sure you've heard of me and my exploits."
"Nope."
"Come on now Bill, don't kid a kidder. I'm the guy who protects the streets and the innocent and the lame."
"The lame?"
"And the innocent and the streets," he added emphatically.
"You said you are a superhero?"
He demured. "Well, I don't like to brag."
"What are your super powers?"
"I'd call that a personal question, Bill."
"Just curious."
"I can see that you are, but there's an old expression that goes 'You don't tug on Superman's cape'."
"Oh, I'm not tugging. I have no desire to tug."
"Then we've reached an accord. What I can tell you is that I can call upon the mightiest fish in the sea to come to my rescue if I need back up."
"Even when you're on land?"
He winked at me. "There's the real genius of it. When I'm on land, the Bat part of me steps up and takes over. While there are no super powers, I have genius ideas and tons of crazy gadgets for crime fighting. And having a billion dollars in the bank lets me build pretty much anything I want to."
I was surprised. "You have a billion dollars in the bank?"
"Bill, I don't like people prying into my business. But if you must know, I'm not quite as rich as billionaire Bruce Wayne. However I do have much more money than a homeless man living on the streets."
"Good to know."
"Now I need you to forget what I told you." He waved his hand in front of my face and said "Forget."
I regarded him with some consternation. "Are you trying to pull a Jedi mind trick on me?"
"Yes. I mean, no. I'm Aqua-Bat, you're talking Star Wars. Two completely different franchises."
"Indeed."
"You don't have to get all snooty and stuffy with me."
"Nothing could be further from my mind, Aqua-Bat."
He cracked his knuckles. "So who is the bad guy?"
"Beg pardon?"
"Who are we fighting today? What corrupt criminal is trying to take over the world?"
"Probably someone in the middle East."
He shook his head forcefully. "No, I can't get over there. How about closer to home, someplace nearby."
I shrugged. "Sorry, no idea."
"But I'm a bad ass superhero, I need to fight crime."
"And I admire you for that."
"Really? Truly? You give me ample reason to doubt you."
"Ample? Like what?"
"Bill, if you want to be my sidekick you should hop into the Aqua mobile with me and help me to cruise the mean streets and rid them of scum. My fight is for truth, justice, and... uh, I'll have to get back to you on that last one."
"Sounds like fun."
"No fun at all, its a serious business."
"OK then, where's the car?"
"In the shop."
"How about the boat? The plane? The motorcycle?"
For the first time this strange man laughed, and it was a deep loud laugh. "Bill, you obviously watch too many movies. I go green, and that means riding the city bus."
"Of course it does." I smiled.
"Wipe that smile off your face or I'll call one of my dolphin friends to come smack it off your face with his tail fin."
About that time, one of the elderly ladies I had given up my seat for got up and started inside. I assume that since she picked up her purse she was going to the restroom. Just as she got to the front door, a young punk ran by her and grabbed her purse. He kept right on running, and Aqua-Bat continued our conversation. "Hey Aqua-Bat, that lady just got her purse stolen."
"What? Where?" I pointed at the runner, and he spun around to rush after the crook. Then he tripped over his own cape and fell down face first on the sidewalk. "I'm OK, I'm OK," he stammered as he got up and began to stumble after the perpetrator. "Aqua-Bat to the rescue!" He tried to run, but the blow to his head was making him swerve treacherously along the road. I almost hoped he wouldn't catch the crook, as he had no chance of overpowering the man. But its good to know there are still people out there protecting the innocent if they can just keep on their feet.
Two elderly women came outside clearly looking for a spot to sit down. I offered them my table, and they were most grateful. As I looked for another place where I could at least lean against a wall while I finished eating, I was approached rather suddenly by an extremely odd looking man in a costume. Well, more like two costumes actually. It was partially Batman, and partially Aquaman. It was as if this person had bought two of the cheapest Halloween costumes you could possibly buy and somehow made a hybrid out of them.
"You are a very good American citizen, my friend," he said to me.
"I am? Well thanks."
"No thanks necessary. You gave up your seat for those old bags, and in my book that makes you a hero."
I laughed. "Trust me, I'm no hero."
He pointed a finger at me. "No, you trust me, you are a hero. And I would know, because I'm a hero. You might say I'm a superhero. Name and designation, please?"
"Me? I'm Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."
He nodded. "Hello, Bill. I'm Aqua-Bat."
"You're...? Did you say Aqua-Bat?"
"That's right, you heard correctly. I'm sure you've heard of me and my exploits."
"Nope."
"Come on now Bill, don't kid a kidder. I'm the guy who protects the streets and the innocent and the lame."
"The lame?"
"And the innocent and the streets," he added emphatically.
"You said you are a superhero?"
He demured. "Well, I don't like to brag."
"What are your super powers?"
"I'd call that a personal question, Bill."
"Just curious."
"I can see that you are, but there's an old expression that goes 'You don't tug on Superman's cape'."
"Oh, I'm not tugging. I have no desire to tug."
"Then we've reached an accord. What I can tell you is that I can call upon the mightiest fish in the sea to come to my rescue if I need back up."
"Even when you're on land?"
He winked at me. "There's the real genius of it. When I'm on land, the Bat part of me steps up and takes over. While there are no super powers, I have genius ideas and tons of crazy gadgets for crime fighting. And having a billion dollars in the bank lets me build pretty much anything I want to."
I was surprised. "You have a billion dollars in the bank?"
"Bill, I don't like people prying into my business. But if you must know, I'm not quite as rich as billionaire Bruce Wayne. However I do have much more money than a homeless man living on the streets."
"Good to know."
"Now I need you to forget what I told you." He waved his hand in front of my face and said "Forget."
I regarded him with some consternation. "Are you trying to pull a Jedi mind trick on me?"
"Yes. I mean, no. I'm Aqua-Bat, you're talking Star Wars. Two completely different franchises."
"Indeed."
"You don't have to get all snooty and stuffy with me."
"Nothing could be further from my mind, Aqua-Bat."
He cracked his knuckles. "So who is the bad guy?"
"Beg pardon?"
"Who are we fighting today? What corrupt criminal is trying to take over the world?"
"Probably someone in the middle East."
He shook his head forcefully. "No, I can't get over there. How about closer to home, someplace nearby."
I shrugged. "Sorry, no idea."
"But I'm a bad ass superhero, I need to fight crime."
"And I admire you for that."
"Really? Truly? You give me ample reason to doubt you."
"Ample? Like what?"
"Bill, if you want to be my sidekick you should hop into the Aqua mobile with me and help me to cruise the mean streets and rid them of scum. My fight is for truth, justice, and... uh, I'll have to get back to you on that last one."
"Sounds like fun."
"No fun at all, its a serious business."
"OK then, where's the car?"
"In the shop."
"How about the boat? The plane? The motorcycle?"
For the first time this strange man laughed, and it was a deep loud laugh. "Bill, you obviously watch too many movies. I go green, and that means riding the city bus."
"Of course it does." I smiled.
"Wipe that smile off your face or I'll call one of my dolphin friends to come smack it off your face with his tail fin."
About that time, one of the elderly ladies I had given up my seat for got up and started inside. I assume that since she picked up her purse she was going to the restroom. Just as she got to the front door, a young punk ran by her and grabbed her purse. He kept right on running, and Aqua-Bat continued our conversation. "Hey Aqua-Bat, that lady just got her purse stolen."
"What? Where?" I pointed at the runner, and he spun around to rush after the crook. Then he tripped over his own cape and fell down face first on the sidewalk. "I'm OK, I'm OK," he stammered as he got up and began to stumble after the perpetrator. "Aqua-Bat to the rescue!" He tried to run, but the blow to his head was making him swerve treacherously along the road. I almost hoped he wouldn't catch the crook, as he had no chance of overpowering the man. But its good to know there are still people out there protecting the innocent if they can just keep on their feet.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
PROP PLANE
I had just delivered a car to Sacramento. And I was sitting at the airport waiting for a flight to Atlanta, but I had a long wait ahead. So I was reading a book that came out about me called A DRIVING FOOL. Appropriate title. It pretty much captures me, my love of cars and travel, my job delivering cars around the country, and the truly nutty people I meet every single day on the road.
It was still five hours until my flight when the airline announced that the flight had been cancelled. I had befriended the gate agent, and he made a primary concern out of finding me another way to get to Atlanta. He found a way, but told me that I would have to hurry. There was a flight leaving in 30 minutes on Alaska Air that would take me up to Portland, Oregon. After a six hour layover I could catch a flight on to Atlanta, and would arrive there ten hours past the time I was originally to get there. Oh well, it was the holidays. New Years Eve, in fact.
I hurried to the other terminal and got to the gate just moments before they closed the doors. I found my seat on the plane next to the window over the wing. And I looked out and saw something I've never seen on a plane before: propellors! I have only been on jet planes, and this was going to be a new experience.
A very nice flight attendant named Annie welcomed me. She was very sweet and sincere, and she pointed out that the empty aisle seat next to me would offer me room to stretch out and relax. But once we were up in the air, I could see that relaxing was not in the cards for me. The props were very loud, and the turbulence was unlike any I have ever felt. And then we flew into the thunderstorm. I began to turn into a nervous wreck very quickly. Closing my eyes very tightly, I tried my best to think of happy thoughts.
And then Annie sat down in the seat next to me. "You OK?" she asked.
I opened my eyes and forced a smile. I nodded at her. She looked to be in her early 30's, and was pretty in a natural, girl next door sort of way. Her eyes danced with kindness and a hint of mischief. "Thanks for asking."
"Mind if I sit here with you a while?"
"Can you do that?"
She smiled. "Sure I can. It's my job to make the passengers comfortable. Everyone has their drinks, I can take a few with you."
"That'd be great." We hit another bad patch of bumps in the air, and I tensed up. Annie reached over and took my hand. "I must seem like a wuss to you."
She shook her head. "Not at all. You seem like a real nice guy, or I wouldn't be sitting here next to you."
"Thanks, Annie."
"What's your name?"
"Oh geez, I'm sorry, I'm Bill Thomas."
"Well Bill, I'd say you just made a new friend."
"I like making new friends."
"That makes two of us."
She had to get up a few times and check on people, but for the most part she stayed with me for the rest of the flight. After we landed, I waited for everyone to get off the plane so that I could chat with Annie. We walked off the plane together. "I sincerely appreciate you taking time out for me. Thanks for making me feel better."
"To tell the truth, it makes me feel good to know I helped someone. So what do you do, Bill."
"I drive cars all over the country, delivering them to folks everywhere in the lower 48. And I meet the craziest people wherever I go."
Annie looked surprised. "Wow. That sounds so much like a book that my girlfriend just read. It's about a guy who delivers cars, and he meets weirdos, but he also tries to help people. It's called, um, A DRIVING FOOL."
I laughed. "That's me. That book is about me."
"No way."
"Yes way."
"Seriously?"
I pulled the copy of the book out of my backpack. She looked very excited. "You want a copy?"
"For real?"
"Of course."
"Will you sign it for me?"
"Sure, if you like." I opened the book and signed it on the front page.
"This is so bizarre. It's like one of your driving fool adventures."
"They happen all the time, every day."
She looked all revved up. "I'm gonna hug you now." And she hugged me, much to my delight. "You know what? I'm gonna kiss you now." And she gave me a soft kiss on the cheek.
I looked at her expectantly. "And?"
She smirked. "And that's all you're gonna get."
I stuck out my bottom lip to mock a child's pout. She giggled. "It was so nice to meet you, Annie."
"You too, Bill." She turned to walk away, then stopped and turned around. "Where are you headed?"
"Atlanta. I have a six hour layover."
"I've got a seven hour layover. They have a room booked for me here at the airport hotel. Want to come up and hang out with me there?"
I didn't have to think about it long. "You bet. We can both catch a nap before our next flights."
She smiled and walked over to me, taking me by the hand. "I'm sure we'll find something to do."
And we stayed up talking and laughing and playing games. It was a very Happy New Year.
It was still five hours until my flight when the airline announced that the flight had been cancelled. I had befriended the gate agent, and he made a primary concern out of finding me another way to get to Atlanta. He found a way, but told me that I would have to hurry. There was a flight leaving in 30 minutes on Alaska Air that would take me up to Portland, Oregon. After a six hour layover I could catch a flight on to Atlanta, and would arrive there ten hours past the time I was originally to get there. Oh well, it was the holidays. New Years Eve, in fact.
I hurried to the other terminal and got to the gate just moments before they closed the doors. I found my seat on the plane next to the window over the wing. And I looked out and saw something I've never seen on a plane before: propellors! I have only been on jet planes, and this was going to be a new experience.
A very nice flight attendant named Annie welcomed me. She was very sweet and sincere, and she pointed out that the empty aisle seat next to me would offer me room to stretch out and relax. But once we were up in the air, I could see that relaxing was not in the cards for me. The props were very loud, and the turbulence was unlike any I have ever felt. And then we flew into the thunderstorm. I began to turn into a nervous wreck very quickly. Closing my eyes very tightly, I tried my best to think of happy thoughts.
And then Annie sat down in the seat next to me. "You OK?" she asked.
I opened my eyes and forced a smile. I nodded at her. She looked to be in her early 30's, and was pretty in a natural, girl next door sort of way. Her eyes danced with kindness and a hint of mischief. "Thanks for asking."
"Mind if I sit here with you a while?"
"Can you do that?"
She smiled. "Sure I can. It's my job to make the passengers comfortable. Everyone has their drinks, I can take a few with you."
"That'd be great." We hit another bad patch of bumps in the air, and I tensed up. Annie reached over and took my hand. "I must seem like a wuss to you."
She shook her head. "Not at all. You seem like a real nice guy, or I wouldn't be sitting here next to you."
"Thanks, Annie."
"What's your name?"
"Oh geez, I'm sorry, I'm Bill Thomas."
"Well Bill, I'd say you just made a new friend."
"I like making new friends."
"That makes two of us."
She had to get up a few times and check on people, but for the most part she stayed with me for the rest of the flight. After we landed, I waited for everyone to get off the plane so that I could chat with Annie. We walked off the plane together. "I sincerely appreciate you taking time out for me. Thanks for making me feel better."
"To tell the truth, it makes me feel good to know I helped someone. So what do you do, Bill."
"I drive cars all over the country, delivering them to folks everywhere in the lower 48. And I meet the craziest people wherever I go."
Annie looked surprised. "Wow. That sounds so much like a book that my girlfriend just read. It's about a guy who delivers cars, and he meets weirdos, but he also tries to help people. It's called, um, A DRIVING FOOL."
I laughed. "That's me. That book is about me."
"No way."
"Yes way."
"Seriously?"
I pulled the copy of the book out of my backpack. She looked very excited. "You want a copy?"
"For real?"
"Of course."
"Will you sign it for me?"
"Sure, if you like." I opened the book and signed it on the front page.
"This is so bizarre. It's like one of your driving fool adventures."
"They happen all the time, every day."
She looked all revved up. "I'm gonna hug you now." And she hugged me, much to my delight. "You know what? I'm gonna kiss you now." And she gave me a soft kiss on the cheek.
I looked at her expectantly. "And?"
She smirked. "And that's all you're gonna get."
I stuck out my bottom lip to mock a child's pout. She giggled. "It was so nice to meet you, Annie."
"You too, Bill." She turned to walk away, then stopped and turned around. "Where are you headed?"
"Atlanta. I have a six hour layover."
"I've got a seven hour layover. They have a room booked for me here at the airport hotel. Want to come up and hang out with me there?"
I didn't have to think about it long. "You bet. We can both catch a nap before our next flights."
She smiled and walked over to me, taking me by the hand. "I'm sure we'll find something to do."
And we stayed up talking and laughing and playing games. It was a very Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
HACKING SONY
I had just driven into Los Angeles to deliver a Ford Fusion to a man in the Culver City area. My cell phone rang. "This is Bill."
"OK loser, what's your excuse this time?" It was my not always charming boss, Riff.
"My excuse for what?"
"Exactly! There is no excuse for you, not now, not ever."
"What are you talking about, Riff?"
"I'm talking about you taking so damn long to deliver a car."
"Riff, I picked it up in Chicago the day before yesterday. I'd say driving this far and delivering the third day is pretty good."
"I don't really care about your opinion, blubber ball. Call me when you're done." And he hung up.
I had sent a text to my customer, Mr. Emerson, alerting him that I'd be there within the hour. When I drove up into his driveway, I found him standing on his front porch. By the look on his face, I thought he must be in a very bad mood. "Are you Bill?" he asked as I climbed out of the car.
"Yes sir, Bill Thomas. And this is your new company car."
"Well whoopee, isn't it my lucky day." His glib and flippant attitude confused me.
"The car is in great shape."
"Oh really, is that your opinion?" He dropped his head and shook it back and forth. "Listen Bill, I'm sorry for my behavior."
"Don't worry about it."
"No, please hear me out. I'm just real upset at the moment because I think my wife is going to lose her job. She works at Sony Pictures, and I'm sure you heard about the hacking."
"Oh yes, it's all over the news."
"Damn Koreans, they don't like a movie that the studio is making so they start this shit storm. I mean what the hell?"
"We live in a crazy world."
"You can say that twice and mean it. She sent out some personal emails, and for that she is on the brink of unemployment."
"I'm sure everything will work out. Would you like to look over the car?"
"How can I think about my new company car when my wife is in distress? Why are the Koreans hacking into Sony anyhow? Can you tell me that? Can you please explain it?"
I shrugged. "No, I really can't. I understand that it was mostly about a new movie that they didn't want to see released."
"Yeah well, mission accomplished. Now Sony won't be releasing the movie."
"I hadn't heard that."
"Come on Bill, pull your head out of the sand. It's all over the internet. There were threats about attacks on the theaters showing the movie and so Sony pulled it completely."
I nodded. "Well, I'm sure it will be on DVD or video on demand."
"No, no, not at all. Nothing, nowhere. Done deal. But the real issue is my wife, you don't know how this is affecting her. What can we do, Bill? I really need your input."
"My input?"
"Tell me what to do to fix this for my wife."
"I don't have any idea."
"Oh come on Bill, you can come up with something. Please?"
"Say a prayer, cross your fingers, make a wish. That's the best I can come up with on short notice."
Mr. Emerson nodded and patted me on the shoulder. "Thanks for caring enough to try to help. Do you have some paperwork for me to sign?"
"Right here." He signed and I made a hasty retreat. I felt for the guy, but he was asking me questions that I had no answers for. Not even remotely. As I walked towards the bus stop, I found myself feeling disturbed over the news about this movie THE INTERVIEW not being released. We've come to the point where another nation can dictate what forms of entertainment we can put out? We are submitting to terrorism? And does the hack attack on Sony foreshadow bigger and worse cyber attacks in the future?
All I know is that I love movies, and I don't appreciate the Koreans or anyone else deciding what I can or cannot watch.
"OK loser, what's your excuse this time?" It was my not always charming boss, Riff.
"My excuse for what?"
"Exactly! There is no excuse for you, not now, not ever."
"What are you talking about, Riff?"
"I'm talking about you taking so damn long to deliver a car."
"Riff, I picked it up in Chicago the day before yesterday. I'd say driving this far and delivering the third day is pretty good."
"I don't really care about your opinion, blubber ball. Call me when you're done." And he hung up.
I had sent a text to my customer, Mr. Emerson, alerting him that I'd be there within the hour. When I drove up into his driveway, I found him standing on his front porch. By the look on his face, I thought he must be in a very bad mood. "Are you Bill?" he asked as I climbed out of the car.
"Yes sir, Bill Thomas. And this is your new company car."
"Well whoopee, isn't it my lucky day." His glib and flippant attitude confused me.
"The car is in great shape."
"Oh really, is that your opinion?" He dropped his head and shook it back and forth. "Listen Bill, I'm sorry for my behavior."
"Don't worry about it."
"No, please hear me out. I'm just real upset at the moment because I think my wife is going to lose her job. She works at Sony Pictures, and I'm sure you heard about the hacking."
"Oh yes, it's all over the news."
"Damn Koreans, they don't like a movie that the studio is making so they start this shit storm. I mean what the hell?"
"We live in a crazy world."
"You can say that twice and mean it. She sent out some personal emails, and for that she is on the brink of unemployment."
"I'm sure everything will work out. Would you like to look over the car?"
"How can I think about my new company car when my wife is in distress? Why are the Koreans hacking into Sony anyhow? Can you tell me that? Can you please explain it?"
I shrugged. "No, I really can't. I understand that it was mostly about a new movie that they didn't want to see released."
"Yeah well, mission accomplished. Now Sony won't be releasing the movie."
"I hadn't heard that."
"Come on Bill, pull your head out of the sand. It's all over the internet. There were threats about attacks on the theaters showing the movie and so Sony pulled it completely."
I nodded. "Well, I'm sure it will be on DVD or video on demand."
"No, no, not at all. Nothing, nowhere. Done deal. But the real issue is my wife, you don't know how this is affecting her. What can we do, Bill? I really need your input."
"My input?"
"Tell me what to do to fix this for my wife."
"I don't have any idea."
"Oh come on Bill, you can come up with something. Please?"
"Say a prayer, cross your fingers, make a wish. That's the best I can come up with on short notice."
Mr. Emerson nodded and patted me on the shoulder. "Thanks for caring enough to try to help. Do you have some paperwork for me to sign?"
"Right here." He signed and I made a hasty retreat. I felt for the guy, but he was asking me questions that I had no answers for. Not even remotely. As I walked towards the bus stop, I found myself feeling disturbed over the news about this movie THE INTERVIEW not being released. We've come to the point where another nation can dictate what forms of entertainment we can put out? We are submitting to terrorism? And does the hack attack on Sony foreshadow bigger and worse cyber attacks in the future?
All I know is that I love movies, and I don't appreciate the Koreans or anyone else deciding what I can or cannot watch.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
RED MUSTANG TAXI
My boss Riff was shouting at me on the phone yesterday, which is not at all unusual. He is a bad-tempered fellow on his best days. "The lady says you were supposed to be there to pick up her car an hour ago! Just where the hell are you?"
"I'm at the Amtrak station here in Benson, Arizona. We got in a little late, and the taxi I arranged to pick me up hasn't shown up yet."
"Aren't there any other cabs there at the train station?"
"No sir."
"Listen to me, you little putrid pudge-ball! I don't care what you have to do or how, you just get your retarded ass to the pick up address. And I mean now!" The line went dead.
I called the taxi service for the third time and stressed how important it was that I be picked up promptly. This is why I had called ahead and planned in advance, which I always do. The dispatcher I spoke to sounded lethargic and not at all interested in my situation. Then I received another text from the customer whose house I was trying to get to. The fifth such text. She was growing more impatient by the minute.
A fire engine red mustang pulled into the parking lot in front of the station. A giant goofy-looking man was behind the wheel. He looked me over. "Hey, are you Bob?"
"No, I'm Bill."
"Bill, yes, that's what I meant to say. I'm your taxi ride."
"This is a taxi?"
"Well, it's my own car, but I use it for my job as a taxi driver. Hop on in."
I climbed in and told him the address. "It's five miles from here."
"What is?"
"The address I just gave you. Where I need you to take me."
"Where?"
"Just turn left out of the parking lot."
"OK." And with that, he turned right as he said "My name is Horace."
"Hi, Horace. No, you needed to turn left."
"What?"
"Left. A left turn."
"Oh. I turned right. Can I make a U-turn?"
"That would be a good idea."
Horace eyed me up and down. "You seem a little tense."
"Sorry man, but I was supposed to be at this customer's house an hour ago. She is really pissed at me."
"You and I have something in common then, Bob. My girlfriend is pissed at me, too. Guess we both just got our women mad at us, huh?"
"Not my girlfriend, just a customer."
"Who?" Horace made the U-turn.
"Now we'll turn right at the next light up there."
"Where?"
"That next light. Turn right."
"You're gonna have to give me real clear directions. I don't know my way around this town much yet."
I nodded. "How long have you lived here, Horace?"
"Born and raised here, never left this city one day in my life." He made the right turn at the light.
"Now it's real easy from here, we just go 4 1/2 miles then turn right."
Horace looked terribly confused. "But how will I know when we've gone 4 1/2 miles?"
"Just watch the odometer."
His brow furrowed. "What's an odometer, Bob?"
"It's Bill. Tell you what, I'll watch it for you and tell you when to turn right."
"Here?" he said suddenly, preparing to turn right.
"No, no, not yet. Just keep on going straight. We'll turn right on Manor."
"Yep, manners are important. My girl says if I had better manners we'd get along better."
"No, I mean we turn right on Manor."
"Now?" shouted Horace, preparing to turn right again.
"No, not now, keep going. I'll let you know when its time to turn. We have to get to Manor first."
"Exactly what I'm saying, manners is the key to everything. Good relationships, good work. Course I don't make too much money. I depend a lot on tips... hint, hint, hint."
I looked around the dash for some type of meter. "So how do you calculate how much I pay for the ride?"
"What? No, I don't carry a calculator."
"No, I... What I mean is that I don't see a meter, so how do I know what to pay you?"
"Oh, well its five dollars for picking you up, then two dollars per mile."
"OK, so the total will be fifteen dollars."
Horace slammed on the brakes and gasped. It's a miracle that the car behind us didn't slam into our rear end. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
Horace stepped on the gas again and let out a long whistle, obviously impressed. "How in the world did you figure that out."
"Uh... well its five to pick me up, then two bucks times five miles is ten bucks, so fifteen. It's pretty obvious."
"To you maybe, not to normal folks. You must be one of them math geniuses. I think I could get to like you, pal."
"Thanks."
"No thanks necessary. Now that fifteen won't include my tip, right?" Horace winked at me broadly.
He went on to tell me about his troubles with his girlfriend, and how he suspected her of sleeping with all his best buddies. And every few blocks, he started to turn right and ask me if this was the street. Finally, I could see the street sign "Manor Ave." just up ahead. "OK Horace, this is it."
"This is what?"
"Our turn."
"You want me to turn?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"Now!"
"Now?" And with that we passed Manor Ave.
"We just passed our turn."
"Want me to go back?"
"If you would." He made another U-turn and went back to Manor. When we pulled up to the ladies house, she was standing in the front yard with her arms crossed, looking very unhappy. I had the cash ready and handed Horace eighteen dollars.
"Hey, you gave me too much. You said it would be fifteen dollars."
"Don't forget about the tip," I told him, winking broadly.
His roaring laugh reminded me of Herman Munster. "Hey Bob, you know something. You and I are a lot alike. We're both very smart and clever and funny. We are two peas in the same pod."
I grabbed my bag and walked up to pick up a new car and try to assuage an angry customer.
"I'm at the Amtrak station here in Benson, Arizona. We got in a little late, and the taxi I arranged to pick me up hasn't shown up yet."
"Aren't there any other cabs there at the train station?"
"No sir."
"Listen to me, you little putrid pudge-ball! I don't care what you have to do or how, you just get your retarded ass to the pick up address. And I mean now!" The line went dead.
I called the taxi service for the third time and stressed how important it was that I be picked up promptly. This is why I had called ahead and planned in advance, which I always do. The dispatcher I spoke to sounded lethargic and not at all interested in my situation. Then I received another text from the customer whose house I was trying to get to. The fifth such text. She was growing more impatient by the minute.
A fire engine red mustang pulled into the parking lot in front of the station. A giant goofy-looking man was behind the wheel. He looked me over. "Hey, are you Bob?"
"No, I'm Bill."
"Bill, yes, that's what I meant to say. I'm your taxi ride."
"This is a taxi?"
"Well, it's my own car, but I use it for my job as a taxi driver. Hop on in."
I climbed in and told him the address. "It's five miles from here."
"What is?"
"The address I just gave you. Where I need you to take me."
"Where?"
"Just turn left out of the parking lot."
"OK." And with that, he turned right as he said "My name is Horace."
"Hi, Horace. No, you needed to turn left."
"What?"
"Left. A left turn."
"Oh. I turned right. Can I make a U-turn?"
"That would be a good idea."
Horace eyed me up and down. "You seem a little tense."
"Sorry man, but I was supposed to be at this customer's house an hour ago. She is really pissed at me."
"You and I have something in common then, Bob. My girlfriend is pissed at me, too. Guess we both just got our women mad at us, huh?"
"Not my girlfriend, just a customer."
"Who?" Horace made the U-turn.
"Now we'll turn right at the next light up there."
"Where?"
"That next light. Turn right."
"You're gonna have to give me real clear directions. I don't know my way around this town much yet."
I nodded. "How long have you lived here, Horace?"
"Born and raised here, never left this city one day in my life." He made the right turn at the light.
"Now it's real easy from here, we just go 4 1/2 miles then turn right."
Horace looked terribly confused. "But how will I know when we've gone 4 1/2 miles?"
"Just watch the odometer."
His brow furrowed. "What's an odometer, Bob?"
"It's Bill. Tell you what, I'll watch it for you and tell you when to turn right."
"Here?" he said suddenly, preparing to turn right.
"No, no, not yet. Just keep on going straight. We'll turn right on Manor."
"Yep, manners are important. My girl says if I had better manners we'd get along better."
"No, I mean we turn right on Manor."
"Now?" shouted Horace, preparing to turn right again.
"No, not now, keep going. I'll let you know when its time to turn. We have to get to Manor first."
"Exactly what I'm saying, manners is the key to everything. Good relationships, good work. Course I don't make too much money. I depend a lot on tips... hint, hint, hint."
I looked around the dash for some type of meter. "So how do you calculate how much I pay for the ride?"
"What? No, I don't carry a calculator."
"No, I... What I mean is that I don't see a meter, so how do I know what to pay you?"
"Oh, well its five dollars for picking you up, then two dollars per mile."
"OK, so the total will be fifteen dollars."
Horace slammed on the brakes and gasped. It's a miracle that the car behind us didn't slam into our rear end. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?"
Horace stepped on the gas again and let out a long whistle, obviously impressed. "How in the world did you figure that out."
"Uh... well its five to pick me up, then two bucks times five miles is ten bucks, so fifteen. It's pretty obvious."
"To you maybe, not to normal folks. You must be one of them math geniuses. I think I could get to like you, pal."
"Thanks."
"No thanks necessary. Now that fifteen won't include my tip, right?" Horace winked at me broadly.
He went on to tell me about his troubles with his girlfriend, and how he suspected her of sleeping with all his best buddies. And every few blocks, he started to turn right and ask me if this was the street. Finally, I could see the street sign "Manor Ave." just up ahead. "OK Horace, this is it."
"This is what?"
"Our turn."
"You want me to turn?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"Now!"
"Now?" And with that we passed Manor Ave.
"We just passed our turn."
"Want me to go back?"
"If you would." He made another U-turn and went back to Manor. When we pulled up to the ladies house, she was standing in the front yard with her arms crossed, looking very unhappy. I had the cash ready and handed Horace eighteen dollars.
"Hey, you gave me too much. You said it would be fifteen dollars."
"Don't forget about the tip," I told him, winking broadly.
His roaring laugh reminded me of Herman Munster. "Hey Bob, you know something. You and I are a lot alike. We're both very smart and clever and funny. We are two peas in the same pod."
I grabbed my bag and walked up to pick up a new car and try to assuage an angry customer.
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