PANAMA CITY WITH JC

My wild lady friend JC has houses all over the USA. I have visited her at many of them, but keep on finding out there are more that I don't know about. Like the one she mentioned last week in Panama City Beach in Florida. So since I was headed that way, I decided to accept her kind invitation and dropped in.

When I parked and walked up to the front door, I could hear her shouting inside. I was concerned, and knocked on the door. An older gentleman I had never seen before opened the door. "What?" he demanded.

"I'm Bill Thomas, I'm here to see JC."

"Why?" he asked.

"Why?" I was a bit confused. "Because she is my friend and she invited me."

JC pushed this man out of the way, scolding him. "What do you think you're doing? Don't answer my front door, and don't treat a dear friend of mine like he's not welcome." She turned to me and grabbed me for a hug. "Hello, sweetie."

"Hey, JC."

"Exactly who is he?" this man wanted to know.

"He's here, and you are gone, that's what." JC grabbed the man by the back of his shirt collar and dragged him out to the driveway. "Hit the road, and don't come back."

"Now listen, Missy, I--"

She wagged her finger in his face. "See there? Right there, that's why you have to leave. No one calls me Missy, I am no one's little Missy. You make my skin crawl. Now get out of here, you have ruined my day!" She marched to the front door, grabbed me by the hand as if it was an afterthought, and pulled me inside behind her. I closed the door as I stepped through the doorway.

JC led me into the kitchen, where she jumped up onto the counter. "That guy almost ruined my day, but now you're here and I know things are gonna get better." She pulled out a joint and lit it, sucking hard to inhale the pungent smoke. After a few hits, she handed it to me, but I declined. "No?" she asked.

"No, but thanks for offering. Say JC, just how many houses do you have, anyway?"

"I've lost count. Let's just say it helps to have two rich husbands who own lots of real estate and then who both die and leave everything to their lovely wife. That would be me." She grimaced.
"Freakin' plenty of fish."

"Beg pardon?"

"Aw, its that damn website, I keep on meeting guys through it, but they are never what I expect or hope for."

"They deceive you?"

She laughed heartily. "Honey, they are deceiving themselves. But yes, I have dreams that one of them will give a true representation of themselves. They just never seem to do that, and it sucks."

"I can imagine."

"This guy for instance, his name was Louis. Sounded like Prince Charming on paper, and we wrote back and forth. Then he shows up here today and starts in with his redneck chauvinistic old-fashioned ideals, and expects me to be the obedient little woman. Screw that! Men are all pigs!"

"Really?"

"Except for you." She shook her head and smiled. "He was telling me all about the wonders of Tantric sex, and how I needed to learn about it under his tutelage. Or some such. To hell with that, I just want a guy who picks me up and sets me on the edge of the kitchen sink and gives it to me."

I smiled. "Gives it to you?"

"Yeah, special delivery, overnight express, give it to me long and hard."

"OK."

She punched me hard on the shoulder. "Don't act like some prude, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But I've been going without for too long now, next time a man does me I expect to light up and pay off in silver dollars. Know what I mean?"

"I think so."

"How have you been?"

"Things have been a little rough lately."

"Nope, nope, I only want to hear good news."

"OK, well then, the world is at peace, all is well, I love my job, life couldn't possibly be better."

"And now you're feeding me a load of bull crap. How's your love life?"

"What love life?"

She took me by the hand and led me out onto the back patio. It was a beautiful view, looking out at the Gulf of Mexico. "So I've been thinking. Maybe I should just keep you around."

"What do you mean?"

"I need a companion, and someone to service me when I require it. I say you get off the road and be my personal Cabana boy."

"Cabana boy? You got a Cabana?"

"OK then, be my stud. My kept man."

"Why me? I'd think you'd want someone younger and more rugged."

"I like you, Bill. I feel comfortable around you. And I know you'd be a great travel companion, you have been all over the country and back a hundred times. You know you're way around."

"Yes, and you've been around the block more than a few times."

"Indeed I have. Say... we've never humped, have we?"

"Uh... no."

"Why not, I wonder?"

"Just never came up."

I'll stop the story here, and just say that I spent the night with her. We talked long into the night, and watched a few DVDs together in her bedroom. When I woke up the next morning, she was sound asleep and so I crept out. All day as I drove, I kept thinking about her offer. To get off the road, to be taken care of, it would be such a different life. But as much as I like JC, I am not in love with her. And I'm quite sure she is not in love with me. So could I choose a life like that? It doesn't fit in with the lifestyle of a driving fool.

CRAZY JUNE

I continue to be amazed at the surprisingly amount of odd people I meet as I drive around the country delivering cars. More often than not, truth is stranger than fiction.

I was about to deliver a car in Las Vegas, and decided to pull over and find something to eat. As I was walking through a parking lot, I saw a woman stooped over between two cars, and I thought she was ill. "Are you all right, ma'am?"

She stood and pulled her pants up, and I could see that she had been squatting to pee. "Steve, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you."

"Excuse me?"

"No, oh no, you don't have to apologize to me, Steve. Not now, not ever. I love you so much, always have and always will. I never should have left you. We both know that you did me wrong, but I know in your heart that you love me."

"I think you've got me confused with someone else. My name is Bill."

"What the hell are you talking about, Steve? It's me, June, your lover. How are you gonna be treating me like that? After all I've done for you, all the wild sex that we had, all the sexual positions I got into just for you! You can't squeeze me like a piece of ripe fruit then toss me out the window. No sir, it doesn't work like that! Not at all!" And with that, she ran away from me in tears. I decided to shrug it off, and turned and walked in the other direction through the parking lot.

A few seconds later, June popped up from behind a cargo van and said, "Hi lover, I've decided to forgive you. I have to admit you were mean to me, but I can't help loving my man."

"Uh, listen, I think that--"

She put her hand over my mouth. "Hush now, Steve, I only want to hear about how much you love me. Come and whisper into my ear how much you love me." She pulled close and put her ear up to my mouth.

"But really, I--"

Once again, her hand covered my mouth. "Not another word, Steve. I only want to hear sweet sounds coming from your sweet mouth. Come on and dance with me, Steve, dance with me the way you did at the Senior Prom." She wrapped her arms around me and forced both of our bodies to sway. She rested her head on my shoulder and was in a state of bliss as the music played in her head.

I pushed her away after a moment, and told her "No, stop."

"What in the world is the matter with you, Steve?"

"What's the matter is that I don't know you."

"You mean you don't want to know me!" She became enraged. "You dirty son of a bitch. You think you can treat me like some slut, some common whore, then just throw me out on the trash bin? Is that the way you want to play? Well, two can play this game!" She stormed away in a huff, and I made my way more rapidly through the parking lot. I hoped I had seen that last of her.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, she grabbed me from behind and said seductively "Hi Sugar Buns. My white chocolate lover."

I shook my head and sighed. "Lady, please just--"

"I have to respect the man I love. I always make it a rule to respect my elders, whether they're older than me or younger than me. Now shut up and dance with me, do the dance of love!" She began an energetic dance, taking my hands and sort of forcing me to dance along. I was a bit dazed by it all, and hung on for a few moments as she led me in her little Dance of Insanity.

When I pulled away from her, she said "I know now what's wrong with you, Steve. My man needs some good loving." She dug into her huge handbag and began pulling out condoms, handcuffs and various sex toys, enthusiastically trying to hand them off to me. "I know how to treat my man." Then she reached down and took a big handful of my manhood and squeezed.

"Hey! You can't do that, you can't just grab me like that."

"Why not? What's the problem, Steve?"

"Quit calling me Steve. You have mistaken me for someone else, and--"

She interrupted me by giving my face a solid slap. "I am done with you. We are officially over. You are both a bitch and a bastard." She turned on her heel and marched off. Then she stopped and faced me one last time. "And one more thing. I know a lot more about nuclear science than you might think I do." She hurried over to an empty pickup truck, threw her handbag in the back, and sat on the back bumper. She yelled at a non-existent driver "Step on it Raoul, I've got to get to Miami."

I decided to skip the meal and get back into my car and keep on driving. I had nothing against June, but clearly she was a lady whose mind has its own address in another universe. And I remain A Driving Fool.