WACKY, NUTTY NORA

I was given a brand new car in Dallas last week, headed for Las Vegas, Nevada.

It was a sleek black Chevrolet Impala, and I knew it would be a pleasure to drive.

I had called the customer, a Mr. Andy Bertram, to tell him that his company car was on its way to Vegas. He sounded like a very nice man, both grateful and anxious to get this new car.

On the day I was to arrive, he called to tell me that he was running late, and asked if I arrived before him whether his wife could sign for the car. I told him that was no problem whatsoever.

I pulled into their driveway on a suburban street just after 12 noon on a Monday.
I walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. The door opened, and a very stern and severe-looking woman threw open the door.

“Who are you?” she snapped.

“I’m your friendly driver, I have a car for your husband.”

“I know who you are, but why are you talking to me?” she spat.

“Your husband told me that you would sign for the car if he was not here.”

“Oh no, no sir, no way. He had no right to tell you that. I have no idea what condition that car is in.”

“Mrs. Bertram, I just drove it here from Dallas and I can assure you that its in top-notch condition. Its brand new.”

“Its not brand new if you drove it from Texas, it has some miles on it. And if I’m going to sign for it, I’ll go over it with a fine tooth comb first,” she demanded.

“Oh, I encourage you to do to,” I politely offered.

“You can just bet I will.” The woman snatched the keys from me, then reached inside the house and grabbed a measuring tape and a magnifying glass. She began to go over every inch of the car, measuring and inspecting the body for any blemishes of any kind.

When she climbed into the car, she shrieked in outrage. “What's the meaning of this? There's a CD player in this car.”

“Um, yes, that's right. It's a good one, too.”

“As you well know, all our music is on cassettes, we don’t have CD’s..
This is totally unacceptable, we can not and will not take a car in such
substandard condition. We expect a quality car.”

“Understood, but–“

Nora held her hand up firmly. “No buts about it, you can just take this car
back where it came from and bring us another one."

“Actually, I can't do that,” I gently explained.

Nora's face reddened with anger. “Then there's going to be trouble, I hope
you're prepared for that!”

As Nora was speaking, an Old Rusted Car pulled into the driveway. ANDY
BERTRAM a meek little man, got out and walked up to us. As he looked at the car I had brought for him, his face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Hello, you must be my driver,” he said cheerfully.

“Yes sir, Bill Thomas.”

Nora slammed the door closed on the Impala and said, “Don't worry, I already told him to take the car back where he got it.”

“You did what?” he asked incredulously.

“Mr. Bertram, this is your new company car, and I assure you it is in fine condition.”

Nora wagged her finger at me. “Except that it doesn't have a cassette player. Andy, you know good and well that all our music is on cassettes. This has a CD player, can you believe that?”

Andy shrugged. “It's a company car, honey. MY company car.”

Nora was adamant. “It's totally unacceptable, he'll have to take it back.”

Andy shook his head sadly. “Nora, did you take your pills today?”

“Shut up! I am not crazy!”

“Honey, I didn't say you were crazy,” Andy said with some caution in his voice.

Nora eyes darted around nervously. “You implied, it was implied.”

“No sweetie, I just want you to be well.”

“So I'm sick, am I? Is that it? You bastard! You’re all against me,
no one ever takes my side.” Nora rushed into the house.

I figured I should hasten my exit. “Just sign here and I'll be out of your hair.”.

Andy signed and I gave him a copy of the paperwork. “Listen,” he said, “I
appreciate you bringing my car, it's very nice. Sorry about my wife.”

“Oh, she was no trouble at all. I’ll be headed down the road, there’s a city
bus stop at the end of your street here.”

As I walked down the driveway, Nora stormed out the front door, carrying
a baseball bat, readying to swing it at the car. “We'll just see what condition
this car is in.”

Andy jumped into Nora's path and grabbed the bat, and they struggled for it.
“No Nora, not again.”

“I'm gonna smash it!”

“No Nora, please. Remember what the Judge said the last time?”

“I need to teach those sons of bitches a lesson.”

As I walked away, I couldn’t help wondering what the Judge said, and what exactly happened the last time.

I’m certain that many people will read this and find it hard to believe that it really occurred exactly as I described. I can only promise you that there are a lot of very odd and unusual people in the world, and one by one they all find me. What may seem bizarre to you is my daily life. And the driving fool continues down the highway, trying to keep it between the lines.

CRAZY JUNE

I continue to be amazed at the surprisingly amount of odd people I meet as I drive around the country delivering cars. More often than not, truth is stranger than fiction.

I was about to deliver a car in Las Vegas, and decided to pull over and find something to eat. As I was walking through a parking lot, I saw a woman stooped over between two cars, and I thought she was ill. "Are you all right, ma'am?"

She stood and pulled her pants up, and I could see that she had been squatting to pee. "Steve, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you."

"Excuse me?"

"No, oh no, you don't have to apologize to me, Steve. Not now, not ever. I love you so much, always have and always will. I never should have left you. We both know that you did me wrong, but I know in your heart that you love me."

"I think you've got me confused with someone else. My name is Bill."

"What the hell are you talking about, Steve? It's me, June, your lover. How are you gonna be treating me like that? After all I've done for you, all the wild sex that we had, all the sexual positions I got into just for you! You can't squeeze me like a piece of ripe fruit then toss me out the window. No sir, it doesn't work like that! Not at all!" And with that, she ran away from me in tears. I decided to shrug it off, and turned and walked in the other direction through the parking lot.

A few seconds later, June popped up from behind a cargo van and said, "Hi lover, I've decided to forgive you. I have to admit you were mean to me, but I can't help loving my man."

"Uh, listen, I think that--"

She put her hand over my mouth. "Hush now, Steve, I only want to hear about how much you love me. Come and whisper into my ear how much you love me." She pulled close and put her ear up to my mouth.

"But really, I--"

Once again, her hand covered my mouth. "Not another word, Steve. I only want to hear sweet sounds coming from your sweet mouth. Come on and dance with me, Steve, dance with me the way you did at the Senior Prom." She wrapped her arms around me and forced both of our bodies to sway. She rested her head on my shoulder and was in a state of bliss as the music played in her head.

I pushed her away after a moment, and told her "No, stop."

"What in the world is the matter with you, Steve?"

"What's the matter is that I don't know you."

"You mean you don't want to know me!" She became enraged. "You dirty son of a bitch. You think you can treat me like some slut, some common whore, then just throw me out on the trash bin? Is that the way you want to play? Well, two can play this game!" She stormed away in a huff, and I made my way more rapidly through the parking lot. I hoped I had seen that last of her.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, she grabbed me from behind and said seductively "Hi Sugar Buns. My white chocolate lover."

I shook my head and sighed. "Lady, please just--"

"I have to respect the man I love. I always make it a rule to respect my elders, whether they're older than me or younger than me. Now shut up and dance with me, do the dance of love!" She began an energetic dance, taking my hands and sort of forcing me to dance along. I was a bit dazed by it all, and hung on for a few moments as she led me in her little Dance of Insanity.

When I pulled away from her, she said "I know now what's wrong with you, Steve. My man needs some good loving." She dug into her huge handbag and began pulling out condoms, handcuffs and various sex toys, enthusiastically trying to hand them off to me. "I know how to treat my man." Then she reached down and took a big handful of my manhood and squeezed.

"Hey! You can't do that, you can't just grab me like that."

"Why not? What's the problem, Steve?"

"Quit calling me Steve. You have mistaken me for someone else, and--"

She interrupted me by giving my face a solid slap. "I am done with you. We are officially over. You are both a bitch and a bastard." She turned on her heel and marched off. Then she stopped and faced me one last time. "And one more thing. I know a lot more about nuclear science than you might think I do." She hurried over to an empty pickup truck, threw her handbag in the back, and sat on the back bumper. She yelled at a non-existent driver "Step on it Raoul, I've got to get to Miami."

I decided to skip the meal and get back into my car and keep on driving. I had nothing against June, but clearly she was a lady whose mind has its own address in another universe. And I remain A Driving Fool.