FIREWORKS ON THE 4th

After two weeks of nearly non-stop car deliveries, I didn't have anything set after dropping off the current car, which was headed to Boulder, Colorado. I was driving along and wondering what I would do, where I would go next, and how I might celebrate the 4th of July weekend. Then my cell phone rang, and caller ID told me it was my boss Riff.

"This is Bill," I answered.

"Knock, knock."

"What do you need, Riff?"

"Knock, knock."

"Riff, have you got some work for me?"

"I said 'Knock, knock,' dammit, now you have to say 'Who's there'."

I paused and quietly sighed. "Who's there?"

"Ass."

"Ass who?"

"You! You're an asshole." He roared with laughter.

"That doesn't even make any sense, Riff. Tell me you've got my next assignment."

"There is no next assignment, I just want to know when the hell you're gonna finish the job you're on right now."

"I should be in Boulder before noon."

"You shoulda been there already, Stay Puff. You been stopping along the way to choke your chicken?"

"Riff, I always make good time and you know it."

"I'll tell you what I know, you little pansy. You are lucky that I give you any work at all. You hear what I'm saying?"

"Have a happy 4th of July, Riff." I hung up.

Once I had delivered the car, I got my bag and caught the nearest city bus. I took it downtown and found a little Coffee Shop with free Wi Fi. I began to check my options for getting out of Boulder. Greyhound is no longer an option for me, every single time I've ridden it was a disaster. So I checked plane and train schedules, along with available rental car agencies. The big problem was, I really had nowhere to go. I usually have another car to go pick up, but not this time. And that wasn't likely to change until next Tuesday, when the holiday weekend was officially over. All I really wanted was to see fireworks on Independence Day.

So I decided I'd stay in Boulder. I walked down the streets looking for a local movie theater. Not a big multiplex, but hopefully an old-style single screen theater that had been around for years. I just love those places. Call it nostalgia.

I passed an alley and a cute girl caught my eye. She was smoking a cigarette, all alone. She was wearing white kitchen worker's garb, and had a hair net on. Not a raving beauty, but definitely alluring to me. Sort of reminded me of Karen Allen in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

"Hey you," she called.

"Me?"

"No, the other you. Come here." I noticed she had an Irish lilt in her voice.

I walked over to her, feeling intrigued. "What can I do for you?"

"The real question is what can I do for you."

"I don't follow you."

"No, but I bet you would. To the ends of the earth, if I asked you to."

I scratched my chin. "I don't know what you are talking about, but somehow I want to know more."

"I saw the way you looked at me when you saw me from over there. You stopped and took a good look."

"Didn't mean any harm."

"And I'm not complaining. I rather enjoyed it."

"Did you, now?"

"Yep. What's your name, sailor?"

"Bill, uh, Bill Thomas."

She stuck her hand out to shake. "Sheryl Finnegan, pleased to meet you Mr. Bill, uh, Bill Thomas."

I shook her hand, and I honestly felt a slight spark of some kind pass between us. "The pleasure is all mine."

"Well, maybe not all yours. We'll see how it goes."

"OK."

She pointed to my bag. "Traveling man? Just passing through?"

"I drive cars for a living. Just dropped one off here in Boulder."

"And now?"

"Planning my next move. Thought I might hang out in Boulder for the weekend."

"Good plan. And do what?"

"That's the part I haven't figured out yet."

"I have an idea, and its a dandy. Will you trust me?"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

She held out her hand for me. "Then take my hand and follow me to paradise." She led me into a door from the alleyway. I found myself in a huge kitchen with other people dressed just like her toiling away, cooking what looked like enough food for an army. "Welcome to the Mission, we provide meals for people who can't afford their own. We can always use an extra hand. Are you game?"

A warm feeling spread through my body. "Yes. Yes I am."

"Hey everyone, we got a new helper here. Mr. Bill Thomas of..." She leaned into me. "Where'd you say you're from?"

"Birmingham."

"Birmingham in the U.K.?"

"No, Alabama."

"Mr. Bill Thomas from Birmingham will be helping us today." The group of people waved and said hello, and Sheryl took me to a back room to get me something to wear.

I spent the afternoon peeling potatoes, cutting vegetables, stirring stew, pulling large cookie sheets in and out of huge ovens, and sweeping the floors now and again. Then I was out on the serving line for a few hours, spooning out portions of the food we had all made to some folks who looked like they have it pretty tough in life. I lost my home and my car, but I make enough money to eat and get by. Seeing these people in need made me put my own situation in perspective. And to do something to help felt good, just felt right.

All through the day I kept on sneaking glances at Sheryl. And more often than not, she'd catch me looking and flash me a sweet smile.

At the end of the day, after I had finished helping wash the dishes, I looked around to find this charming girl and could not see where she'd gone. I took off my whites and grabbed my bag, heading out the door. As I walked down the alley, I heard her call, "And just where do you think you're going?"

"My shift is over, I'm dead tired, and I'm going to find a hotel room."

"Without even saying goodbye to me?" She walked nearer to me. "And thanking me for a fun-filled day full of frivolity."

"Thank you."

"No lad, thank you. Most fellas would cut and run when I took them into the kitchen. But you rolled up your sleeves and helped, and you even seemed to enjoy yourself."

I shrugged. "Weird thing about me. I've come to learn to enjoy helping people."

She got very close, completely invading my personal space. "Nothing weird about it. I call it nice. There's not enough nice in the world."

"So you think I'm nice?"

"I don't think it, I know it."

"Well if you'd like to know what I think, --" She interrupted me with a long, slow, soft kiss on the lips. It made the top of my head tingle. She pulled back and looked into my eyes like no girl has done for many, many years. "Thank you ma'am, may I have another?" And she gave me another, even longer and better, with a little tongue wrestling involved.

"So," she said when we came up for breath, "I propose that you come and stay at my place."

"All weekend?"

"For tonight, and then we'll see."

"You have a spare couch I can sleep on?"

"No, but I have a bed big enough for two."

"You get right down to business, don't you?"

"I speak my mind," she said. "And frankly, you stink from the kitchen. Let's get you home and let me give you a good scrubbing down in the shower." She slipped her arm in mine and we walked together down the alley. I don't know about her, but I know that I was walking on air.

And I got my wish for the 4th of July. I saw fireworks all weekend long.

A MARY CHRISTMAS

I hope you had a very nice Christmas. I was feeling a bit discouraged myself, and on Christmas Eve I found myself in Shreveport trying to figure out where to go, what to do. Since my Mom and brother died, I always feel sort of alone during the holidays. I know that its supposed to be a time of good cheer, but the past few years I've been subject to the blues.

After I delivered a car, I walked a few blocks to the city bus and waited on a bench. I thought perhaps I'd go catch a train and head to Dallas. There was an elderly lady sitting next to me on the bench who appeared to be poor and homeless. She began to talk to me, and I immediately thought this was another one of Bill's people. But as I listened, I realized that she was something else altogether.

Her name was Mary, and my mind drifted to another Mary I had met not too long ago. Only that Mary was accusing her car of stealing from her. This woman had some heart-wrenching stories to tell that really touched my heart. She had been through hell, and now was abandoned by all those she used to know and love. The tales of her life painted a vivid picture of a woman who had faced huge obstacles bravely and courageously. I was mightily impressed, and wanted to hear more. And she was happy to oblige.

The more I listened, the more I considered how my own troubles were tiny and pathetic compared to her life. And I thought about people all over the world who go without, and who many never know the joys of Christmas. The mistletoe, the Christmas tree, singing carols, giving gifts to those you love, Santa Claus, the baby Jesus. All of the things that used to make me an excited little boy each and every Christmas of my childhood. I had been so caught up with my own trivial problems that I forgot just how good I have it.

I offered to buy Mary a Christmas dinner at a nearby Diner, but she declined. She was a proud woman and said she could not accept any kind of charity. Before I left her, I was able to distract her long enough to slip a 20 dollar bill into her coat pocket. I knew she would find it later when she stuck her hands into her pocket, and I sincerely hoped that it might help her out just a little bit. Giving to others is what its all about.

CRAZY JUNE

I continue to be amazed at the surprisingly amount of odd people I meet as I drive around the country delivering cars. More often than not, truth is stranger than fiction.

I was about to deliver a car in Las Vegas, and decided to pull over and find something to eat. As I was walking through a parking lot, I saw a woman stooped over between two cars, and I thought she was ill. "Are you all right, ma'am?"

She stood and pulled her pants up, and I could see that she had been squatting to pee. "Steve, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you."

"Excuse me?"

"No, oh no, you don't have to apologize to me, Steve. Not now, not ever. I love you so much, always have and always will. I never should have left you. We both know that you did me wrong, but I know in your heart that you love me."

"I think you've got me confused with someone else. My name is Bill."

"What the hell are you talking about, Steve? It's me, June, your lover. How are you gonna be treating me like that? After all I've done for you, all the wild sex that we had, all the sexual positions I got into just for you! You can't squeeze me like a piece of ripe fruit then toss me out the window. No sir, it doesn't work like that! Not at all!" And with that, she ran away from me in tears. I decided to shrug it off, and turned and walked in the other direction through the parking lot.

A few seconds later, June popped up from behind a cargo van and said, "Hi lover, I've decided to forgive you. I have to admit you were mean to me, but I can't help loving my man."

"Uh, listen, I think that--"

She put her hand over my mouth. "Hush now, Steve, I only want to hear about how much you love me. Come and whisper into my ear how much you love me." She pulled close and put her ear up to my mouth.

"But really, I--"

Once again, her hand covered my mouth. "Not another word, Steve. I only want to hear sweet sounds coming from your sweet mouth. Come on and dance with me, Steve, dance with me the way you did at the Senior Prom." She wrapped her arms around me and forced both of our bodies to sway. She rested her head on my shoulder and was in a state of bliss as the music played in her head.

I pushed her away after a moment, and told her "No, stop."

"What in the world is the matter with you, Steve?"

"What's the matter is that I don't know you."

"You mean you don't want to know me!" She became enraged. "You dirty son of a bitch. You think you can treat me like some slut, some common whore, then just throw me out on the trash bin? Is that the way you want to play? Well, two can play this game!" She stormed away in a huff, and I made my way more rapidly through the parking lot. I hoped I had seen that last of her.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, she grabbed me from behind and said seductively "Hi Sugar Buns. My white chocolate lover."

I shook my head and sighed. "Lady, please just--"

"I have to respect the man I love. I always make it a rule to respect my elders, whether they're older than me or younger than me. Now shut up and dance with me, do the dance of love!" She began an energetic dance, taking my hands and sort of forcing me to dance along. I was a bit dazed by it all, and hung on for a few moments as she led me in her little Dance of Insanity.

When I pulled away from her, she said "I know now what's wrong with you, Steve. My man needs some good loving." She dug into her huge handbag and began pulling out condoms, handcuffs and various sex toys, enthusiastically trying to hand them off to me. "I know how to treat my man." Then she reached down and took a big handful of my manhood and squeezed.

"Hey! You can't do that, you can't just grab me like that."

"Why not? What's the problem, Steve?"

"Quit calling me Steve. You have mistaken me for someone else, and--"

She interrupted me by giving my face a solid slap. "I am done with you. We are officially over. You are both a bitch and a bastard." She turned on her heel and marched off. Then she stopped and faced me one last time. "And one more thing. I know a lot more about nuclear science than you might think I do." She hurried over to an empty pickup truck, threw her handbag in the back, and sat on the back bumper. She yelled at a non-existent driver "Step on it Raoul, I've got to get to Miami."

I decided to skip the meal and get back into my car and keep on driving. I had nothing against June, but clearly she was a lady whose mind has its own address in another universe. And I remain A Driving Fool.