THE PRESIDENT'S NIECE

I was told by my boss Riff to pick up a car from a lady in Florida. The car was going to her horse ranch up in Virginia, 30 miles outside of Washington, D.C. And he told me that she was the great niece of a famous former President of the United States.

Riff called me at the last minute to say that another driver would be meeting me at her Florida mansion. He said that she had two cars, and that we were to drive them north in tandem. When I walked up her driveway, I heard a male voice say loudly, “It’s you!” Out from behind a big tree stepped Andy, the paranoid driver who I had come across several times in the past. He was obviously high as a kite.

“Hello Andy,” I said.

“Don’t call me that. Do not call me Andy like we are friends. You always conspire against me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean you to mistake me for being a friend. I was just trying to be polite and civil.”

“Don’t try any of that stuff either. Hear me? I’ve had just about enough of you, Mister. I know you and your game, you are out to get me!”

“Fine, whatever.”

“Oh no, you can’t just blow me off like yesterday’s news. We are being forced to work together, to ride in tandem, to caravan together. So just remember that I’m in charge.”

“I’ll be going my own way, I suggest you do the same.”

“You will be subservient to me, you will follow my directions. You follow me? Cuz if you don’t, I will punish you. I will come down on you like the wrath of God, or worse, like the wrath of a woman scorned. God has no wrath like a woman scorned!”

The lady walked out the door. She seemed distracted and a little bit haughty. I tried to shush Andy. “Shh, quiet, here she comes,” I pleaded.

“Don’t you shush me, I will not be shushed.”

“Shh!”

“I will not be shushed by the likes of you. Say, do you know who her father is?”

“Andy, shut up.” She stepped up to us. “Hello ma’am, I’m Bill Thomas and he’s Andy.”

“Fine. Who is driving the Escalade?” She held out a set of keys.

Andy stepped forward and snatched the keys from her hand. “That will be my honor. I am the best driver in our company, and proud of it. By the way, I loved your father. He was the best leader this country ever had.”

She let out a resigned sigh. “He was my great uncle.”

Andy winked at her. “I know he was, I just bet he was. You guys must be rich, based on what I’m seeing here. How much would you say you’re worth, total assets?”

The woman looked perturbed and not a little shocked. “That’s none of your business. Just do your job.”

Andy acted like he was trying to flirt. He leered at her and spoke suggestively. “You do YOUR job.” Much as I don’t care about Andy, I was feeling embarrassed for him. He was so clueless.

She turned to me. “So you’ll be driving my Mercedes?”

“Yes. I will be there day after tomorrow.” She turned and went back into the house.

Andy began to give me instructions about how we were going to drive, when we were going to take breaks. I completely ignored him, climbing into the Mercedes sedan and taking off. The car was so full that there was barely enough room for me and my duffel bag. She had loaded it beyond capacity, and I was worried that I couldn’t see out the back window.

It was a long hard drive up to Virginia. There were a whole lot of snowbirds going up I-95 from Florida to their summer homes in the northeastern states. The problem with all these many senior citizens on the road all at once is that some of them go 65mph, some 60, and some 50. It causes a whole lot of unnecessary traffic backups. Especially when the ones going 50mph get in the left lane and just stay there. Most people just line up behind them like there is no other choice. I personally get into the right lane and cruise on by them. The speed limit is 70, and that is what I intend to do.

I called the former President’s niece early on the day I was set to deliver. She was not answering her phone, so I simply told her voicemail what time I would arrive. As I neared her horse ranch, the roads got more winding and narrow, and following the Mapquest instructions became increasingly difficult. The final dirt road that led five miles to her property was one lane, and made things tricky when an huge truck came towards me from the opposite direction. I had to press the car on the side as close as I could snuggle up to a barbed wire fence. Even then, I was not too sure that the truck would get by me. There were literally inches to spare.

When I pulled up in front of her ranch house, she came marching out in a huff and put her hands on her hips. “Where is the other guy?”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“The guy driving my Escalade. He left a very strange message for me this morning saying that he was going to take some time and stop at Civil War battlefields along the way. He said my father would understand.”

“I think he meant your great uncle.”

“I know what he meant. I don’t care what he meant. Where is my Escalade?”

“I think you should call my boss Riff.”

“No, I’m asking you.”

“No disrespect meant, but I got your Mercedes here safely. I can’t be responsible for another driver.” Especially when it’s Andy, I thought to myself.

“Leave the car there, I’m going inside to call your boss. You may leave.”

“I have to wait for the airport shuttle to come and pick me up.”

“Honestly, I am not happy with you waiting here on my property.”

I looked around at the vast nothingness. “I’m not sure where else I can wait.”

“Just please make yourself scarce.” She stormed inside, very unhappy.

I walked up the driveway to the dirt road, guessing I could see the shuttle better when it came to pick me up. As I walked along, a large mocha colored dog came running up to me. He really wanted to be friends, and I really love dogs. So I bent down and petted him. He licked me on the face. After a few minutes, I continued up the driveway, and he followed me. The woman came out the door and began to shout. “Potus! Potus! Come back here.” The dog didn’t budge. “Potus, get down here right now! Potus! I will whip you if you don’t get down here.” I felt sorry for the dog. I would not want this woman to be mad at me, but Potus seemed happy to hang out with me. So I started walking back down towards the house, and the dog followed me. She pointed at me. “What are you doing?” she said, sounding confused and nervous.

“What?”

“Why are you coming back into my yard?”

“The dog is following me.”

“The dog is coming because I called the dog. You can stay up by the road.” I stopped, and the dog stopped next to me. The woman seemed irritated. She turned on her heel and went into the house. Then she came back out onto the porch carrying a raw steak. “Potus!” The dog went bounding towards her, and she went into the house. The dog followed her, and she slammed the door hard.

As I stood waiting for the airport shuttle, my cell phone rang. “Hello, Riff.”

“I just got a very upset call from the lady you delivered to. She said you were molesting her dog.”

“I pet the dog, that’s all.”

“Why in the world did you deliver without Andy?”

“Because Andy is a flake. He called the lady and said he is stopping to tour Civil War battlefields on his way up. He may show up in the next two days.”

“Well then, your job is to back him up. He happens to be patriotic. If he delays delivery, then so do you.”

“No sir. I deliver promptly and responsibly, on time as promised.”

“You are a freakin’ boy scout. No one likes a good citizen. You need to get rough around the edges and learn to be a man!”

I hung up. Then I turned and looked at the house where Potus lived. Suddenly, I remembered having seen pictures of this particular President and his family in front of this house. Wow. With all the weird people I meet and strange adventures I experience, there is something pretty cool about this job sometimes.

THE GENERAL

For several years, I was driving around the country under the impression that my boss Riff was the only boss for Drivers of America. That he was the only office, and the only authority. Just over a month ago I discovered there are a few other offices in remote parts of the lower 48 states, including one in the great state of Maine.

After dropping a car off in Bangor for Riff, I made my way to this office that was new to me. I met the man in charge, Monty, a very mild-mannered man who was the polar opposite of the volatile Riff. In a calm and gentle voice, he told me that he was sending me in a car down to south Florida, then he would fly me back up north to get yet another car headed down to south Florida. “Bill,” he said, “Snowbirds are my bread and butter. I will pay you half up front, and half when you get back. The General will be here soon with your car. I have to run to the bank, so please, I beg of you, make yourself comfortable here in my office.”

Monty left and I sat and wondered why Riff couldn’t be a kindly gentleman like this guy. Only a few minutes after Monty left, an old man marched into the office. Marched like a soldier, in perfect lockstep, and in measured rhythm with each step in an exact line. He sat down across from me. “Who are you?” he asked.

“Bill Thomas, nice to meet you.” I stuck my hand out to shake, but it just hung in midair.

The man squinted at me as if he were sizing me up, wondering about my sincerity. “I’m the General, as you probably already know.”

“Which branch of the service were you in?”

The General looked at me as if I was daffy, and chuckled. “Air Force, son. Can’t you read the cap on top of my head?” He pointed at the top of his head, where no cap existed. “See? As you can read, U.S. Air Force. You can read, can’t you son?”

“Yes sir.”

“Yes sir, good, I like that, shows respect. And I have earned that respect, serving my country all these years.”

“As a General.”

“Two stars. Used to be five, went down to one, now back up to two. And I plan to stay there.”

“I see.”

The General looked around the empty office to be sure we were alone, then he leaned in close to me. “Son, do you know any people between the ages of 18 and 34?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Good. I have some important classified information that you need to share with them. Now I can’t tell you the classified part, but I will tell you that we will be going to war in the next six months.”

“We will?”

“Don’t be naïve, of course we will! This time it will be Korea, and it will be a nuclear war. You can’t tell me you didn’t see this coming.”

“Well honestly—"

“I demand honesty! I will accept no less! And I am telling you that the age group I mentioned are going to be drafted. And this won’t be some wishy-washy draft like in the 60’s, this time every God-fearing man, woman and child who is physically able will be sent to fight overseas. And if they run, they will be lined up and executed.”

“Really?”

The General leaned back in his chair and put his fingers to his lips. “I’ve said too much already. Forget everything I just told you.”

“OK.”

The General looked at me sadly and shook his head. “How can you so blithely just dismiss this information? Do you fully grasp the gravity of what I’m telling you? We are going to war. You need to spread the word!”

“Understood.”

“But that’s classified.”

“I get it.”

“There’s more classified information I could give you, but then I’d be court martialed. I can only go so far.”

“I respect that.”

“Don’t be glib. Don’t be disrespectful.”

“I’m being totally respectful.”

“I have my doubts about that. Let me ask you something. Did you see COWBOYS AND ALIENS at the movie theater?”

“Yes I did.”

“Do you think that movie was just a coincidence? The government is trying to mentally prepare us for what is coming.”

I shrugged. “Well, what exactly is coming?”

“That’s classified. But I can tell you this. Do you ever read science fiction?”

“Yes.”

“Well I have news for you, it’s really science fact. We need to be prepared. Very soon we will be at war, Koreans on the left of us, outer space aliens on the right, and Chinese overlords barreling right down our throats. Did you ever think about that?”

“No.”

“Did ya?”

“No.”

“Didn’t think so.” The General pulled out a toy walkie talkie from his coat pocket. “Excuse me, I have to take this.” He spoke into the silent walkie talkie. “This is the General, go.” He paused as if he were listening, but no noise came from the gadget in his hand. “Gotcha.” He threw the walkie talkie to the ground and yelled as he leaped towards me. “Incoming!” The General was in midair as he shouted, and landed on me knocking me and my chair to the ground.

I crawled out from under the General. “What was that?” I asked.

“That was me saving your life. And you’re welcome.” We both got to our feet. “I had you pegged as a commie sympathizer, but I guess you’re OK. I like the cut of your jib, sailor. You strike me as a Navy man.”

“I’m a driving man.”

“Tanks and artillery, eh? Well, I wouldn’t be too proud about it, pride has been the downfall of many a soldier. Are you driving this car I picked up down to Florida?”

“Yes I am.”

He handed me the keys. “Well good luck and Godspeed. And for heaven’s sake, please watch out for the minefields down in North Carolina. I have an appointment with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.” The General ducked and rolled on his way out of the office. He was very agile for a man of his age.

When Monty returned and paid me, I got on the road and began my drive to Florida. And I began to ponder, just how many of “Bill’s people” are there in the USA? Much less the whole world?

ICE CREAM AND INDIANS

Part 3 of the cross country adventure picks up one day after I left Karen's Cafe in Indianapolis. I admit that the day I left there, I felt bittersweet emotions all day. I care about her so much, but I guess a romance between us is probably pretty unlikely at this point. I'm a hopeless romantic, that's for sure, but she's pretty set in her gays. I'll happily accept the gift of friendship and settle for that.

It would have been most direct to drive west across I-70, but I knew that would take me through some mountain terrain in Colorado, and this Ice Cream truck didn't seem up to the task. So I headed south for I-40, and late the next day I was on the west side of Oklahoma. I saw a lot of Indian sights and souvenirs and such. Wait, I'm sorry, I mean Native Americans. I do want to be politically correct. Anyhow, I love Native American Indians and their culture, I have ever since I was a kid. I loved John Wayne cowboy movies, but I was fascinated by Indians also. When I watched the Lone Ranger, it was Tonto that I found the most interesting.

And now here I was passing Rest Areas and Motels that looked like Tee-Pees, and billboards boasting real Indian blankets. I mean, Native American blankets. (But the billboards said Indian blankets.)

I had come to a dead stop due to a serious traffic jam on the Interstate. I had a headache, and sitting in a jam in the blazing sun only made it worse. After an hour of not moving, we began to creep slowly along. The Ice Cream truck chose this moment to begin blaring LONDON BRIDGES again. When I got over the next hill, I could see that we were being diverted onto an exit road. It took another 30 minutes before I got off, and when I did I pulled over at a gas station and parked around back. I rubbed my sore eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm down. I could feel my blood pressure rising, and that's never a good thing.

After a few minutes of sitting there, I suddenly became aware of a presence in the passenger seat. I turned and saw a big Native American Indian sitting there. It was Chief, from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, the big Indian who befriends Jack Nicholson. He was dressed exactly as he was in the last scene of the movie. He didn't look at me, he just stared out the window, as if he was contemplating something he saw on the far horizon. "You have to be good to others."

"I... I always try to be good to other people."

He didn't seem to hear me, or to care. He just kept talking, almost as if I wasn't there. "Help other people when you can."

"I do. I will."

"Love thy neighbor."

"I agree."

"You must find the good within you and use it."

"Yes."

"Wherever you go, spread goodness. Plant the seeds of hope."

"I believe that, too"

"There is too much hate in the world, share some love."

"I will."

I was suddenly awakened by a horn blaring. It was my horn, and I realized my head had hit it when I fell on it. I had been sleeping. It was all a dream of course. Only... somehow it seemed very real to me. And the wisdom he was sharing with me really rang true with my own beliefs. I shook it off and started the truck.

The traffic on the small road was awful, because hundreds of cars had been diverted onto it from the Interstate. I was growing weary of sitting in stop and go, stop and go. Then I saw something that caught my attention. On the right side of the road was the entrance to a small village. It looked very poor, almost like a little "Mayberry" just off this back road highway. I needed a break, so I turned into the town.

As I drove along, I saw that most of the houses and buildings were in a serious state of disrepair. The people I saw looked very poor, and many of them had tattered clothes and no shoes. While I am sure that this was not representative of most Native American Indians, this little forgotten village had certainly seen better days. My heart went out to these people, and I wished that I were in a position to help them.

Without warning, LONDON BRIDGES began to play. I moaned in frustration, I was beginning to hate that song, and it blared so loudly my ears would ring. Then I looked in my left side view mirror, and I saw some children running after me. I looked in the right side view, and saw more children. I looked out the window and saw kids coming out their front doors. There were a whole lot of kids for such a small community, and they were following me like I was the Pied Piper.

I pulled over to the side of the road and parked. I got out and found myself surrounded by all of these adorable Native American Indian children. They ranged in age from about 3 years to early teens. And they were all shouting at once.

"Hey kids, I can't understand you."

"Ice cream!" yelled one of them right next to me. They all began to talk at once again.

"No, no, I'm just delivering this truck. I'm not the Ice Cream man. I don't have any..." And then I remembered Karen loading up my freezers the day before. "Who wants Ice Cream?" The kids all screamed. I climbed in the back of the truck and opened the side window. "You scream, I scream, we all scream." I opened the freezer doors and reached down inside to get the many boxes that Karen had so generously shared. I didn't take orders, I just tore open one box at a time and made sure that each child got one. A few of them grabbed two at a time when I held them out, but what can you do? They are kids, they do that stuff. I'm sure I would have when I was a young tyke. And it was all free, which was nice.

When all of the boxes were empty, I sat and watched them all enjoying their treats. It made me feel so good inside to bring a little joy into their lives. And it was such a simple way to do it, something so easy as giving away free ice cream could make them so happy. Their parents watched with big smiles on their faces. Several of the adults came and spoke to me, and thanked me for my kindness.

More and more people came up to me and asked me questions about my journey. I told them about my job. They told me about their culture. One family invited me to dinner, and I decided to stay. Why not? It was truly wonderful. An older gentleman told me that he and some of the other men were going into their sweat lodge that night, and asked me to come along. So after a delicious and unique dinner, I joined them. It was an experience unlike any that I've ever had. I saw things, really cool things, and my mind went to some places it has never been before. And that's saying something for me. I think I actually learned some things about myself through it all.

I woke up the next morning asleep on the ground. I was wearing only my boxer shorts, and my clothes were clean and folded neatly next to me. It was early, and I didn't see anyone around. I got dressed and climbed into the Ice Cream truck, knowing I had to get back down the road on my way to San Diego. But as I left I could picture the faces of the children as they enjoyed their ice cream. That is something I will never forget.

Carrying A Torch For Karen

Six months ago, I was excited as I drove to deliver a Pontiac to Indianapolis. Because waiting for me there was none other than Karen Robbins, the first love of my life. First girl I ever held hands with, first girl I ever kissed, first girl I ever... well, anyway, I've never fallen out of love with her. And even though I hadn't seen her in 16 years, she still held the key to my heart. I had stayed in touch, and knew she was running a successful Cafe in downtown Indy with a partner.
As I got closer, visions of a lovers reunion danced in my head.

I pulled up to her house late in the afternoon. As I walked up to the front door, my eyes were covered by a pair of hands that crept up from behind. "Guess who?" I heard a familiar voice say. I spun around and hugged Karen, who was still slender and had remained remarkably youthful. Her hair was still shiny blond, and her smile was pure sunshine.

"Hey there, sweet gal. I didn't hear you come up behind me, you are stealthy."

"Yeah, I'm a sneaky little SOB. Boy, its sure is good to see you." She brushed her hand against my cheek. "You made good time if you drove from Virginia today."

"I knew you were waiting on this end, so I was inspired to break the speed limit."

"I've always been your inspiration."

"Yes you have."

"So, you want to come inside, or just stand here in the yard all night?"

"I vote for inside." We walked in and a Golden Retriever came rushing up to meet us. I fell to my knees and began petting her. "Who is this?"

"Bill, meet Lily. Lily, this is Bill. You still love dogs, don't you?"

I nuzzled Lily and said, "Yep, and I always will."

"You want a beer?"

"You bet." I followed her into the kitchen and we both opened a beer. I held mine high and said, "Here's to the most beautiful girl that I ever fell in love with."

We clinked our bottles together, and she laughed. "You're just as corny as ever."

"Yes I am. Wait... did you say corny? I thought you said horny."

"You bastard!" She punched me playfully in the arm. "How was the drive?"

"Mildly boring. How was your day?"

She yawned and set her beer down. "Rough and tough. My partner Cheryl is out of town, so I had to run things alone."

"How's business at the Cafe?"

"I'll open another brew and tell you all about it. Ready for another?"

I gulped down the rest of my beer and belched. "Now I am."

"You are still a nut." We adjourned to the Den, and kept on drinking as we strolled down memory lane together. We talked about our first kiss, where I was scared to death and she finally had to grab me and plant one on my lips just to save time. And the field trip we took to the State Capitol in High school when I tried to make a U-turn on the highway going 55mph and ended up doing a 180. She remembered nearly peeing her pants. And she asked about my Mom, so I told her about the accident and the pain I felt after the funeral over unresolved issues.

After a few hours and a lot of beers, we were both feeling buzzed. I laughed and said, "Do you remember the gift you gave me on my 20th birthday?"

"You mean when I drove 300 miles to steal your virginity?"

"That's the one."

"I rocked your world. Admit it, go ahead, admit it."

"You did, I admit it freely. Can I... would you mind if I asked you
for some insight?"

"Step into my office, lay down. Don't worry, I haven't lost a patient yet."

I laid down across the couch I was sitting on. "OK, Dr. Karen, I feel alone all
the time and need somebody to hold and to love."

"If you want to be showered with love and told how wonderful you are, forget it."

"But I--"

"Shut up, I'm analyzing. You care about people, often too much for your own
good. You try to help people, but often get taken advantage of. And somehow,
nutty folks and crazy situations always seem to find you. I read your Blogs,
I know what I'm talking about here." She got up and walked over to me, sat down on my lap and kissed my forehead. "You're a good soul, Bill." She cradled my face in her hands. "I'm just glad you're here. I wish Cheryl were here, she wanted to meet you."

"Cheryl, that's your partner at the Cafe, right?"

"Right, and my roommate and my lover."

"Oh... Oh! So... now wait, are you saying--"

"I'm gay, Bill."

I was completely flustered. "Oh, yeah, well sure you are. I mean... How's that working out for you?"

"Well, I like it fine, and Cheryl seems to dig it, too."

"I'm sure, of course, I mean why wouldn't she?"

"Are you OK, Bill?"

"Fine, fine, just great. No problem at all."

"What's bothering you?"

"We had sex. It was the best I've ever had."

"I was there, I remember."

"So, did I somehow turn you gay?"

She burst out with laughter. "Honey, it's not always about you. When we were
together, I was in love with you. You were my first and only man. And it was
very special to me."

"Me too. How did I not know this, I feel so stupid."

"How come?"

"I've been thinking about you all these years, then I come here and
fall in love with you all over again. And you're taken."

"I still love you very much. I just took a different path."

"I guess I hoped we'd have the chance to reunite someday."

"We have, right here, tonight. Just not under the sheets. Is that
what you were hoping for?" she asked with a smile.

"No," I answered, a bit embarrassed.

She began poking me playfully. "Is that what you wanted? To wrestle under the
sheets with me?"

"No... Maybe."

She giggled and shook her head. "You're still the same sweet guy I fell for all those years ago. Come on, time for bed." She took me to the guest room, then kissed me on the cheek and said she would see me in the morning.

I laid in bed for an hour, unable to go to sleep. My mind was busy processing all of this new and unexpected information. My heart was tugging at me, because all of my feelings for Karen had resurfaced, and yet... I couldn't help feeling alone, it had been over five years since I had felt the touch of a woman. Sex is great, but I would settle for just someone to hold.

In the darkened room, I heard something moving towards me. "Hello? Is someone there?"

"No," answered Karen.

"OK, Mysterious Voice, I just thought I heard a noise."

"Pay no attention, I'm just sleepwalking." She climbed onto the bed beside me. "Pay no attention at all. This is just a dream. We can cuddle, but no hanky panky. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll forget all about this, like it never happened." I put my arms around her and held her close to me, and was filled with a warm feeling of love and security like I hadn't felt in forever. It was wonderful.

The next day, I seemed to have a vague memory of it all as I drove the Pontiac to deliver it. With a huge grin on my face,I suddenly found myself bursting into song. "Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee a, my oh my, my ex-girlfriend is gay!"

REHOBOTH BEACH, DELAWARE

Ever hear of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware?
I think mostly only people who are wealthy enough to live there
or vacation there know where it is.
I was told to go there from Florida and drive down a SUV pulling a
UHaul trailer along.
Which I'd never done, even with all my driving experiences.

So I flew from Orlando to Philadelphia, then took a train to downtown
Philly, then caught a NJ transit bus out to Cape May, NJ. Then I got
on a shuttle that took me out to a Ferry boat, where I climbed aboard
and chugged across the water of Delaware Bay. An hour and a half later,
we came back to shore and I got on another shuttle, which took me to
city bus, then transferred to another city bus.

On the last bus, I was asking the driver how close he would come to
the address where I was to pick up the car.
Some younger women stared at me, and one of them said, "You don't
look wealthy enough to live in Rehoboth."
I told her I didn't live there, I was just going to pick up a vehicle.
"Then the people you're driving for must be rich, especially if their
house is that close to the ocean."

I got off the last bus and walked one mile to the house.
I found that the UHaul was twice as big as the SUV in front of it, and
felt nervous.
It was a trick to find where the customer had hidden his car keys for me,
and a bigger trick to back the SUV and UHaul trailer out of the driveway onto
the narrow street with cars parallel parked on it.
Wooo-hooo!

As I began the drive, the cell phone rang and I spoke to the owners.
They sounded like surfer hippies, saying "cool" and "mellow" a lot.
"We left you some righteous snacks in the car, dude. There's granola
and organic trail mix. Oh, and a case of organic water."
Never heard of organic water.

I stopped in Norfolk for the night, and the next day I noticed that the front tires
on their SUV were losing lots of tread very fast on the outer edges.
This worried me incredibly, so I just chose to drive ten miles under the speed limit.
Which led to lots of people honking and waving at my with one finger.
I called the owner to tell him about the tires, and he said "Wow, bummer. Sounds
like you need to puff a joint and be mellow. I rolled you a fattie, its in the glove
box"
Seemed like a bad idea.

I made it OK, but barely.
I sincerely hope I won't have to pull a big trailer again anytime soon.
Not conducive with a stress-free driving experience for A Driving Fool.

BAD NEWS IN WEST VIRIGINIA

An old friend asked me to drive his Mom's car up to West Virginia last week.
It was a nice Lincoln Town car, and I agreed to do it for a reduced rate.
He also agreed to buy me a plane ticket back to Florida, and said that I could spend
the night at his Mom's house up in West Virginia.

As I drove along, I noticed that the car was missing.
Which usually means it needs a Tune up.
I had told my friend to be sure that the car was fully serviced
before I took it on this long trip, and he told me it was all taken care of.
But...

Late in the afternoon, the missing turned into jerking and jumping.
When I drove at 70mph on cruise control, everything was just fine.
But in stop and go traffic, it was like a bucking Bronco.
I called the Mom and told her what was going on.

"Yeah," she said, "It will do that sometimes. Is it smoking yet?"

I looked out the rear view mirror, and sure enough there was white smoke billowing
up from the exhaust pipe.
I told her, and she didn't seem at all suprised.

At 4pm, when I was 99 miles south of her house, the car stopped running completely.
The transmission was completely burned out, and I was stuck on the very narrow shoulder of Interstate 77 in West Virginia, on a steep hill and at a curve in the road.

Lucky for me, Mom called her eldest son, and he jumped into action.
He found a tow truck to come and get me, although it took 7 hours for it to arrive.
In the meantime, I was stuck in the middle of nowhere.
And having an upset stomach, with a strong need to go sit in a bathroom.
After a few hours of holding it in, I decided to climb over the guardrail and climb
precariously down the steep hill so as to be out of sight.
I dug my feet into the dirt, dropped my pants and squatted.

Suddenly, the dirt under my left foot gave way, and I fell flat on my butt and start sliding very fast down the hill.
Crapping all the way down.
I was grabbing onto plants and roots and anything I could to try to stop my rapid descent, and every single thing I grabbed was covered with stickers.
It took me a long time to climb back up, and when I arrived at the top I stood up just as a big semi flew by, and the strong gust of wind made me lose my balance and go sliding down the hill again.

The tow truck driver dropped me off at his wrecker yard at 1am.
Mom's eldest son was there and took me to his house, fed me, and gave me a bed to sleep in.
The next morning, he drove me 30 miles to the airport.
Times can be tough on the road, but its good to know that there are kind and caring people out there.

PANCAKE BREAKFAST

I was told to pick up a car in Tallahassee over the weekend. I was in Orlando, so
I rented a car to drive up in, then showed up early Saturday at the ladies' house. I saw a huge sign on the front door that stated BARE FEET ONLY IN THIS HOUSE. I looked over my paperwork, then rang the doorbell.

An excitable woman threw open the front door and said impatiently, "Yes? What? What do you need?"

"Hi. I'm your driver, I'm here to pick up your car."

"Oh! Right, right, I remember. We're having a slumber party here. Well not me, but my daughter, and all her friends are here. Do you want some pancakes?"

"Uh, no thank you."

"Are you sure? Its no problem, we have plenty. Let me fix you a big ole plate of pancakes."

"No really."

"But I made these pancakes Jamaican style."

"Sounds tempting, but no."

"You'll have to take your shoes off if you want to come in the house."

"Excuse me?"

"Your shoes, you have to kick them off before you come inside."

"Oh yes, I saw the sign on the door."

"Bare feet only in this house."

"Understood, but I won't need to come in.

"You sure?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"Because you can just kick those shoes right off your feet and come in to eat a nice big plate of pancakes."

"No, I just need the keys to your company car so I can drive it back to Orlando."

"The keys are in the ignition, where they belong."

"OK, good, that's helpful."

"Just one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"You'll have to take your shoes off before you can come into the house. I mean, if you decide you want to come in the house."

I paused to consider this. "Sure."

I did the paperwork, then as I was leaving, she came running out of the house barefooted. "Can I make you a plate of pancakes to go?"

"No, but thank you very much." And I drove off for my four hour journey back to Orlando. Overall, it was a happy Saturday for a driving fool.

Stopping at the Movies

I really do love going to the movies every chance I get. I'm on the road so much, sometimes I just have to pull off at a Cinema in a strange town and fulfill my "celluloid
jones." But wouldn't you know it, just my luck, whatever theater I go to always has to have some kooks in it.

Case in point, this past weekend I went to see SHUTTER ISLAND starring Leonardo DiCaprio. A very intense and suspenseful movie, and one I want to imerse myself into so I totally enjoy it. Once the movie began, a couple behind me started talking loudly in conversational tones. At first they just discussed where they would go for dinner after the movie. Then their chat turned to the movie we were watching.

"What's he doing now?" asked the man.

"I don't know," replied his girlfriend.

"What the heck is Leonardo doing?"

"I told you I don't know."

"He was so good in TITANIC. Didn't you love
him in TITANIC?"

"Yes, but I liked him better in THE DEPARTED."

Several people around me were making SHHH noises, but the folks behind me seemed blissfully ignorant.

"I bet I know what's gonna happen now. Wanna bet me?"

"No," said the girl, "You always bet me and I always lose."

About this time, the man's phone rang. People all over the theater auditorium groaned. He picked up and raised his voice.
"Hello! Hello. Yeah its me, I have to speak loud cuz I'm in a movie theater. Yeah, yeah right, Dolby THX sound is loud. Hey, did you get my proposal?"

At this point another man down the aisle from me turned and said, "Excuse me, but--"

The man on the phone put his fingers to his lips and said to the other man, "Shhh, please be quiet, I'm on the phone."

So I turned and asked him to take his phone call outside. The man on the phone looked like I had just called him a terrible name and said, "You wanna step outside? You wanna step outside and let me kick your ass?"

I turned around and endured the rest of his phone call. Once he was done, he started talking to the girl again. "Watch this, baby, watch this part, this is gonna be good. Ooooo!"

"I don't like this much so far," she said.

"But I heard its got a surprise ending. Want me to tell you?"

I jumped to my feet, spun around, pointed to the movie screen, and yelled, "This is not your living room and that is not your TV, so please shut up!"

Then I hurried out of the theater and found another auditorium at the same multiplex that was playing SHUTTER ISLAND. I don't usually stand up for myself so bravely, and thought I should disappear in case he was one of "Bill's (crazy) people" and might be waiting for me afterwards with a knife.