DRUNK OR SOBER

I was asked to move two cars this week out here in LA for the most disorganized office in our company. The gal in the office called me and was very rush-rush-rush. The first day, it got cancelled just as I was heading out the door. The very next day, I rode 3 hours on buses to get to the pickup point, only to be told that car move was postponed for a while. And the office refused to pay me for my time!

Well, I admit I was frustrated, so I went into a bar for a drink. A drunken man at the bar yelled at me. "Hey you, come here!" I tried to walk by him, but he reached out and grabbed me. "Don't pretend you don't know me, you bastard. How the hell are you?"

"What?"

"Where you been hiding, you crazy sumbitch? I haven't seen you in forever."

"I think you've got the wrong guy."

"Don't try that shit on me, you dirty bastard. You and me been in the trenches together."

"But--"

"No buts about it, I have missed you. Let me buy you a drink, you still drinking the same thing?"

"OK, I'll have a Coke."

"Oh, yeah, right. Just a Coke. 'Course you and I did our fair share of coke back in the day. Know what I mean?" He wheezed with laughter, then said "I'm talking about cocaine."

"Yeah, I got that."

The drunk man yelled at the bartender. "Jimmy, get Billy Joe here his usual."

Jimmy the bartender shrugged. "What is Billy Joe's usual?"

"Jack and Coke, same as me. Hurry it up, cuz he is thirsty. Now, catch me up on what's been going down, Billy Joe?"

"Just driving cars around the country."

"Yep, still a travelin' man, some things never change. With a whore in every port, am I right? Know what I mean?" The drunk winked and nudged me hard in the ribs with his elbow. Jimmy brought us two drinks, and while I sipped my new acquaintance downed his in one gulp. "Jimmy, another one please. Wow, Billy Joe and Charlie together again. We sure did have us some times, didn't we?"

I figured it best to just go with the flow. "You can say that again."

"Alright, I will say that again. We sure did have some times." Charlie wheezed laughter again. "Remember that one time... with that girl... and the policeman...and you tried to --" Charlie wheezed again, but this time his laughter turned into a hacking cough.

I patted him on the back, and took another sip of my very strong drink. "Good drink."

"Best damn drink in town, and you are welcome by the way."

"Thanks for the drink, Charlie."

"Bout time you got around to thanking me, and --" Charlie nearly fell backward off of his barstool, and I grabbed him.

"Easy there, Charlie."

"Don't you tell me what to do. Don't try to boss me. I will not stand for it, I will whip your butt. I've done it before, you know I can."

"Everything's OK, it's all good."

"Did you happen to know that I love you, man? Always have and always will, because you are the kind of man who is a brother to some guy like me."

"Good to know."

"Let me tell you one more thing. You remember my grandpappy, well he only used to ever drink wine. And he made his own wine, I bet you did not know that."

"I believe it."

"You damn well better believe it. His was a special secret wine. He had a secret way of making it, his own secret recipe. It was a secret." Charlie looked back and forth to make sure no one was listening, then he leaned in close to me and whispered very loudly "His secret was that he used grapes! Shhhh!" Charlie had put his fingers to his lips."

"No kidding," I said as Jimmy brought Charlie another drink, and Charlie promptly gulped it down.

"Don't you ever tell anyone that secret, its between you and me. Cuz if you ever tell anyone, then I'm gonna--" Charlie fell off the barstool onto the floor, and I could hear a slight snoring sound.

"Charlie is down!" yelled Jimmy the bartender, as if it was a daily ritual.

I finished my drink and left. Knowing full well that there are thousands of other nutty folks out in the world just waiting to find me.