CELESTIAL RINGS OF FIRE

Riff called me the other morning, very early.  “Where in the hell are you, you stupid sonuvabitch?”

“Los Angeles, Riff.”

“What?  Why in the name of all that’s holy are you there?”

“I told you about this, Riff.  I’m out here with my buddy taking meetings to pitch A DRIVING FOOL to studios and production companies.”

“OK, I remember now, and I still think that is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.  Who cares about you delivering cars?  In the meantime, I have a lot of cars that need moving, so get your ass back to the East coast pronto before I—“  That’s the moment when I hung up.

My old friend John Hazzard in Miami had proposed that we join forces and go to L.A. together to pitch my project.  And also to pitch an idea he came up with, a reality series about me pitching A DRIVING FOOL.  This guy is very smart and has a good head for business, so I decided to put my faith in him and off we went to the West coast.  And now here we were.

It was a Sunday morning, and John wanted us to go to church.  He had a friend who was an ex-Hollywood agent, and thought she might be of help to us.  She invited us to meet her at her church, which was called the Church of Celestial Rings of Fire.  As we drove over, I kept on singing  “And it burns, burns, burns, that ring of fire!”

John looked over at me from behind the wheel.  “Jeez Bill, you need to be respectful of her religion.”

“What kind of religion is it?”

“It’s about the mind’s eye.  About how if you visualize something that you want or need, it will come into being.”

“Not much like my own religion.”

“Or Pastor Rex’s?”

“Absolutely not.”  We both chuckled.  “I think he would have a heart attack if he knew I was going to this place.”

“We need Sherry’s help, so please keep your cool and mind your tongue.”

“Can do,” I said.

We arrived at the church and went inside.  The smell of incense permeated the halls of this huge place.  A woman walked up to us with her arms spread wide.  “Gentlemen, welcome!  You have entered the hallowed halls of the universal sanctuary of love and well-being.  Bless you both, and go find a seat in the auditorium please.”

“Thank you,” said John.

“No, no, no, thank you.  And love yourself, for goodness sake.”

We went in and sat down.  We didn’t see his friend Sherry anywhere, but we did see an odd assortment of people coming in and acting somewhat strangely.  There was a woman sitting next to John changing the diaper on her baby doll.  I think it was one of those Cabbage Patch dolls, though I haven’t seen one of them in years.  A middle-aged man sitting directly in front of me was sucking the thumb on his right hand, and using his left hand to pump upwards towards… well, Heaven I assume.  Though I noticed out in the hallway there were no pictures of God or Jesus or the Virgin Mary.  Just pictures of unusual men in white robes with very wide eyes, almost like they were stoned.

Just as the service began, I felt nature call and had to excuse myself to the bathroom.  Just as I got situated in the bathroom stall, there was a rapid knock on the stall door.  “Let me in, let me in, oh hallelujah, I gotta go!”

“Occupied,” I said.

“Hurry, please hurry, oh man I gotta go, hallelujah.”  What was it about me and bathrooms?  This was the second time in recent memory when someone was rattling my stall door and asking me to hurry so they could come in.  Can't a man be alone with his thoughts in peace?

“I just got in here.”

“Well then get your business done and move along, oh holy hell I gotta go, hallelujah.  Oh, I can’t wait.  I'm headed outside for the Azalea bushes!”  I heard his feet running out the door. 

I finished my task and then went back to enter the auditorium.  A small woman with long gray dreadlocks stepped into my path.  “You cannot go in, we’re holding the doors.”

“Holding the doors?”

“No one goes in, we don’t wish to interrupt the flow of the carmeenia.”

“The what?” I asked.

“I believe you heard me right.”  She reached over to the wall and flipped on a switch, which activated a PA so we could hear what was happening in the auditorium.  I heard them announcing weekly events at the church.  “We don’t want to interrupt when they are making announcements.   That would be sacrilege.”

Several other people came up and were also told to wait.  And then a very aggressive tall man came up and said  “Move out of my way, I got to get in there, hallelujah.”  I immediately recognized the voice as the man from the bathroom.

“You ain’t going in there, and that’s for sure,” said the small but determined woman.

“Oh yes I am, yes I am, you just watch and see.”

“I will watch and see you not going in there, I promise you that.”

“And I want to promise you that I will be walking right past you and going into the auditorium, woman!”

She threw herself against the door.  “You will only get into the holy auditorium over me!”

And then the announcements ended, and the voice on the PA said,  “Open the doors and let our people in now.”  And so the small woman complied, only she glared at the man who dared defy her.

I went back to my seat, and John leaned over and said,  “Where have you been?  I thought you abandoned me.”

“They wouldn’t let me back in.  But the bigger question is where is your friend Sherry?”

“Heaven only knows.”

“I don’t think Heaven has anything to do with this place, buddy.  She's not coming, is she?”

"It certainly looks that way.  Although I had every reason to believe she would be here.

Just then, a family came in.  A chubby man who looked to be in his 50’s was wearing a bicycle crash helmet and sat with them.  We sat and listened to a man sing a Sam Cooke song, a group of kids rapping about how man created God in his own image, and a plea from a woman to give more money to the church.  And then the minister who was to deliver the sermon got up and began to speak.  It was all about finding your true potential, being better than your best, helping others but only after you help yourself.  It all sounded like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me, and frankly the behavior of some of the people there made me feel like I had stumbled into a Cult of some kind.

The minister had spoken for an hour, and suddenly his soft cadences turned into something akin to fire and brimstone.  And just as suddenly, the man with the bike helmet got up and began running and ramming his head into the wall.  Again and again he did this, as if in direct response to what the minister was saying.  The strangest thing was that no one sitting around us even seemed to notice.  It was just business as usual.

At the end of the service, they invited the entire congregation to come to the Hall of Earthly Pleasures for some refreshing Kool Aid.  John and I decided to pass on that.

“

I AIN'T NO SAINT

I just celebrated a birthday.  When I was a kid, I always looked forward to them.  But as an adult, each year that passes just means I'm getting older, and I don't need any reminders of that.  Plus being on the road can be very lonely, and so hoping for a Happy Birthday is usually setting up for disappointment.

My Cousin Chris called me and asked where I was on the day before my birthday.  I told him that I would be arriving in downtown Charleston the next day, and he said he wanted me to know that he'd be thinking of me.  Chris and I grew up together, and in many ways I was always closer to him than I was to my own brother.  We shared a special connection, and I would do anything for this guy.  He's just the best person I know.

On my birthday, I delivered the car on the coast of South Carolina.  When I walked out the door of the office building where I had delivered, a limo pulled up in front of me and the back window rolled down.  "Hello, cuz," said my Cousin Chris, who was in the back of the limo.

After I picked up my jaw off the pavement, I began to stammer.  "How did you... how are you... where did you come from?"

"I flew into town on the corporate jet."  Chris is the CEO of a huge international corporation, and his job involves a lot of travel all over the world.  "Thought I'd come and spend your birthday with you."

"Seriously?  But I don't understand, how did you find me?"

"You told me that you were delivering in Charleston."

"Yes, but it is a big city.  I didn't tell you the address I was delivering the car to."

"I have my ways.  But like a good magician, I'm not going to reveal the magic behind my tricks."

"Then we'll just leave it at that.  Get out of that car."

"Why don't you get in?" he asked.

"First you get out."  He obliged, and I grabbed him and gave him a big hug.  "Thank you so much, I am so glad to see you."

"Likewise.  Now can we get in the car?"

"Yep," I answered, as we both climbed in.  "Where are we going?"

"Wherever you want, it is your day and you get to decide.  My first thought was that we'd go to the beach."

"Well then, let's go!"  And off we went to the nearest public beach.  He had towels and an ice chest full of drinks.  When we got there and settled down on our beach towels, I must have told him several more times how delighted I was to see him.  "We only get together maybe once a year for dinner."

"So?"

"So this is a real treat, I've got you to myself for the day."

"And?"

I got a little choked up.  "I'm just trying to figure out what I did to deserve this."

"I think you deserve it because you are you.  To me, you are special, and you maybe need someone to remind you how much you are cared about.  I read all the blogs, you know."

"No you don't."

"I sure do.  Why would you doubt that?"

"Because you are a busy guy.  Because you run a huge company and have a wife and kids to tend to."

"I always have time for you.  And I love the funny stories about people you meet, but I especially like the ones where you help people.  Where you show kindness to others.  You are a good man."

I shook my head.  "I ain't no saint."

"I never said that you were.  But come on, when you helped that young woman in Mississippi when you got trapped in her town for 24 hours.  Or when you gave your motel room to the homeless family on a cold night.  Or how about spending your weekend off working in a soup kitchen feeding poor folks?"

"If you read that story, you know that I got fringe benefits for that one.  I spent the weekend in the bed of a beautiful girl."

"OK, well I say good for you.  You earned that one."

I shrugged.  "Sometimes I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.  I drive all over the country, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  I feel a bit lost and listless."

"Easy answer:  you lack any real stability.  At some point you are going to have to get off the road and get a steady job with benefits.  But I don't think you're at that point just yet."

"When will I be?"

"You'll know.  See those Waverunners over there for rent?"

"Sure, I see 'em."

"Want to go for a ride?"

"Yes I do!"

And so we rode two Waverunners in the Atlantic ocean for an hour.  Then we lay out on our towels til we got dry.  After that, we went bowling, and then found a place we could play miniature golf.  I had forgotten just how competitive Chris could be.  I guess that is what makes him such a great success in the corporate business world.  We topped off the day by going to a very classy restaurant and eating the best Delmonico steak I've ever tasted.  Medium rare for me.

After dinner, Chris offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go in the corporate jet.  He said he would drop me off anyplace in North America.  "I haven't been home to Birmingham in a while."

"Birmingham it is," he said as we climbed back into the limo.  I sat for a while, quietly staring at my cousin.  "What?  Why are you giving me the evil eye?"

"Oh, there is nothing evil about it.  I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed that you cared enough to come out of your way to spend time with me."

"It's your damn birthday, so deal with it."

"I know, I know, it's just...  I'm not used to it.  Not even close."

"You are a good person, Bill.  You have a good heart, a good soul.  You love others and you show it.  And you have to remember this:  you are loved.  Got me?"

"I hear you loud and clear.  Did you know that you mean the world to me, cuz?"

"Yes, I had a general idea you felt that way."

"Same time next year?"

He laughed.  "Whoa now, I can't promise you that."

"I'm just joshing.  This birthday would be pretty hard to top."

He smiled.  "Well, that sounds like a challenge to me.  We will just have to see."

We got to the private airport and boarded his jet.  And then he told the pilot to take us to Birmingham.

SPRINGFIELD PAWN

I had made a pit stop in Springfield, Missouri because I was exhausted from too many hours on the road.  I found a Dunkin Donuts with free Wifi, and went inside to set up at a table and catch up on my email.  I ordered a large coffee and a muffin, then got to work.

Before I knew it, a hand slammed down on my table.  I jumped a little bit, then saw it was a man wearing torn and dirty clothing.  "You using that computer?"

"What?"

"Don't mess around with me, its a sincere and honest question I'm asking you.  Are you using that computer laptop there?"  He had a strong accent, but I could not make out what region of the world he hailed from.

"Yes, it is my laptop."

"Well of course it is, who else would it belong to.  I am gonna get one of those laptop computers for myself, and then I'll be sitting right where you are, working on MY computer."

"Good for you."

"No, I mean it.  Right here, at this table.  You won't be able to work here, because I'll be at this table using my computer.  MINE!"

I nodded.  "Sounds good."

"Damn right.  You'll see."  He marched out purposefully, and I went back to work on the internet. I was in the middle of composing an email to my one true love, Karen.  I could not let this distract me very much, because it is such a regular occurrence for me.  Bill's people find me wherever I go, nearly every single day.

A few minutes later, I felt hot breath on the back of my neck.  I spun around, only to find this same man standing way too close behind me and reading over my shoulder.  "What do you want?" I asked.

"You shouldn't tell that girl Karen how you really feel."

"Please don't read my personal private emails."

"You don't want people reading them, you shouldn't display them in a pubic place."

"A pubic place?"

"You heard me.  I have a question for you.  How much did you pay for that computer?"

"I don't believe that's any of your business."

"How much?"

"Leave me alone."

"I can stand here all day.  How much?"

I sighed.  "Four hundred dollars."

"Is that with tax?"

"Before tax."

"How much tax did you pay?"

"I don't recall."

"That's OK, you can look it up later and get back to me.  How much would it have cost you if you had bought it at a Pawn shop?"

"I don't know."

He gave me a dubious glance.  "Sure you know.  Of course you know."

"No, really, I don't."

"How could you not?  Well, when I buy my computer, I'm going to a Pawn shop.  And that's what you should have done.  How much do you think it will cost me?"

"No clue."

"Best guess."

"No idea."

"I'm just asking you to guess."

"Three hundred."

"Is that with tax?"

"I don't know."

"Guess."

"Then yes, that includes tax."

He stroked his chin and studied me.  "No, I think you're wrong.  Dead wrong."

"OK, well then, have a nice day."

"I'm going to buy a computer.  And unlike you, I'm not going to be stupid about it.  I'm going to get it at a Pawn shop.  And you know what?  Its going to be better than yours!"  He slammed the table again.  "And hey dude, you should forget about that Karen girl.  She's obviously into chicks."

Then he was gone.  I packed up the computer and got back on the road.  I have hundreds of miles to drive and no relief in sight.

YOUR PROBLEM IS...

I had not seen my old buddy Steve in Kentucky since just after his wife had died.  I was headed that way and called him, and he insisted that I stop over.  He said he had a surprise for me.

When I arrived, he ran out of the house and grabbed me tightly for a big hug.  Steve means a whole lot to me, always has, and I was tickled to see him.  A stern woman stuck her head out the door and called,  "Steve, please get in the house now, I need your help."

"Who is that?" I asked him after she'd gone back in.

"That's the surprise I told you about."  He dug his hands deep into his pockets.  "Her name is Carrie, and she is my, uh..."

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"The question is, can you say that."

He punched me playfully on the shoulder.  "Sure I can.  Girlfriend.  See, there, I said it."

"I'm glad you found someone.  I was worried about you after... you know."

"I lost my wife, and I grieved.  But now I met Carrie, and she has helped me more than you know."

I smiled.  "I'm glad, Steve."  We walked inside together, and I walked up to Carrie.  "Hi Carrie, I'm--"

"I know who you are," she snapped.  "Steve has told me all about you.  Frankly, he talks about you so much I'd almost think you guys were queer."

Steve shook his head.  "Oh, honey."

"Don't Oh Honey me, you need to set the table.  Dinner is almost ready."

"It smells very good," I offered.

"Oooo, praise from Bill Thomas.  I can die and go to Heaven now."  She chuckled and turned away.

"How did you two meet, Carrie?"

She spun around and looked at me with piercing eyes.  "You know what your problem is, Bill?  You are too damned nosey.  You need to learn to mind your own business."

Steve said,  "Hey Carrie, he's our guest."

She turned on Steve.  "You need to hush up and do your job."  She looked back at me.  "Just look at you, Bill.  You are rubbing your hands together nervously.  What's the problem?  You got something to hide?"

I looked down and realized she was right.  I was rubbing my hands together.  But I really didn't think there was any hidden agenda involved.  I grinned and asked,  "So what's for supper?"

"No, no, don't try to change the subject.  You know what your problem is, Bill?  You can't face the world directly, you are always looking for diversions.  You don't know how to look life square in the eyes."

"That's an interesting perspective," I said, trying to stay friendly.

"I'm just stating the plain, simple facts.  There's nothing subjective about it."

"OK, gotcha."

Steve walked up to me and patted me on the shoulders.  "So Bill, tell us about your latest adventures on the road."

Carried slammed her hand down on the kitchen counter.  "No sir, we do not need to hear about that crap.  If you want to know what he's doing out on the road, why don't you just read his stupid blogs?"

Steve stared at her.  "I always do."

"I know you always do, and there are more important things in life you should be focused on."  Then she pointed her finger directly at me.  "You know what your problem is, Bill?  You write about life instead of living it.  No wonder no woman ever wants to be with you."

"Beg pardon, who said no women want to be with me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked

"Not to me."

"Well according to Steve, you are in love with a lesbian.  How weird is that?"

Steve spoke up.  "Carrie, this girl Karen and Bill have a long history.  It's not that cut and dried."

"Oh yes, it is that cut and it is that dried.   Don't try to tell me differently.  Bill has no idea what to do with his life."

I was taken aback.  "Really?  I don't?"

She leaned in towards me.  "You know what your problem is, Bill?  You are waiting for your ship to come in.  Every day you wake up and run to look out the window, just hoping that today will be the day your ship comes in.  I got news for you, its never coming in.  Learn to deal with that."

"Gee Carrie, you've given me a lot to think about."

"That's who I am and what I do.  I tell it like it is.  You don't have to tell me I'm right about you, because I see right inside of you.  I can see right through you.  When your head hits the pillow tonight, the last thing you're going to think is  'Wow, that woman really nailed all of my problems and shortcomings.'  I'm trying to help you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"You know what your real problem is, Bill?  You know some intensive therapy from a good psychotherapist.  Seriously.  For your own good, you need to deal with your screwed up situation.  Dinner is ready, let's eat."

The dinner smelled a whole lot better than it tasted.  I didn't say much, and neither did Steve.  Carrie had a lot to say, most of it not very positive.  After dinner, Steve and I walked outside.  I told him I was going to stay at a motel, and he was obviously hurt that I wouldn't be sleeping at his house.

"It's not because of Carrie, is it?  She doesn't mean any harm."

"Buddy, if she makes you happy, then I'm all for it.  But I'm not prepared to deal with a sleepover at that level of negativity.  She doesn't know me well enough to tell me what my problems are."

"My wife used to do it all the time.  You never seemed to mind."

"I hated it.  But I never felt empowered enough to do anything about it.  Guess I'm growing as a person, because I won't put up with that kind of crap anymore.  I care about myself."

Steve got emotional.  "I care about you, too.  You're my brother."

We hugged tightly, and I said into his ear,  "Love you too, bro."  Then I got into the car and drove sadly away. 

LOVE AND HEADLIGHTS

I had just delivered a car to Flint, Michigan when my boss Riff called with another job for me.  "Hello, my puckish little donut hole.  Are you ready for a new adventure?"

I noticed that he was slurring his words.  "Are you drunk, Riff?"

"Why ever would you ask me that, you pumpernickel polka dot?  It just so happens I am."

"Where's the pick up?"

"In Lansing, Michigan.  And let me tell you, this woman does not want to give up her car."

"Did she get fired?" I asked.

"Yes indeed, my little pussywillow."

"Send me the info, I'm on my way."  Much as I hate to, I caught a bus to Lansing.  But it wasn't Greyhound, it was Trailways, and not quite so bad.

By late that same afternoon, I arrived at the home of the woman.  She ran out the front door into her yard wearing a nightgown and said,  "Well hello.  Are you the gentleman who has come to steal my car?"

"Not steal, just return to your company.  I'm Bill Thomas."

She held out her hand as if she expected me to kiss it, like in old times.  "Charmed.  I am Miss Anna Versa.  And I must say, I am troubled that you are taking my lover."

This confused me.  "Um there must be some sort of misunderstanding.  I'm here for the car."

"That's what I said."  She hurried over to the black Ford Taurus in her driveway.  She proceeded to lay across the hood and roll around with seemingly nasty intentions.  "My lover."

"I just need to do a quick condition report, then I'll be out of your hair."

"Oh, you're not in my hair.  Although Jack here was many, many times.  More than I can count."

"Jack?"

"My lover.  Who you are kidnapping right out from under me."

I tried to ignore this nonsense and began to quickly do the condition report.  She walked slowly around the car, pressing herself against it and rubbing her body on it.  "Do you have the keys?" I asked.

"Yes, I have the keys to my lover's heart."  She reached down into her ample cleavage and came up with a key, which she handed to me.  "Jack was quite a frisky lover, he liked to take me hard, and yes sir he liked it rough."  She giggled like a schoolgirl.

"I see."

"Jack is an impetuous boy, and yet he is a rugged, solid man.  You might say he's a bit of an enigma."

"I might."  I suddenly remembered a woman I met who said that her car was named Alice and she stole from her.  But this lady took car crazy to a whole new level.

She opened the door and climbed into the back seat, lying on her back and kicking her legs up in the air.  "I can't begin to tell you all the many times that Jack and I enjoyed carnal pleasures in the backseat.  He really knew how to ring my bell."

I was not about to ask her how she made love to a car.  The very idea was both disturbing and somewhat perplexing.  "How long since you've had the car serviced?"

She wagged a finger at me.  "Oh Bill, you naughty boy.  You want to know all of the lurid details.  Suffice it to say that I serviced Jack once a day, every day.  And each day was better than the one before.  If you know what I mean, and I think you do."

"I was talking about an oil and filter change."

She climbed out of the car. "Well, I poured Crisco oil all over my body.  Does that count?"

Writing as fast as I could, I tried to skip over any further questions.  Then without any warning, Anna fell to the ground and began to cry.  "Ma'am, are you OK?"

"No.  And I fear that I shall never be OK, not without Jack in my life.  Just because the powers that be decided to dismiss me from my job, they could have sold me Jack.  I offered to pay a huge sum, but they rejected me.  They seem determined to separate me from my one true love.  And you are the instrument of their chicanery."

"I don't know if I'd say that."

She pointed at me accusingly.  "Oh yes, it's you!  You!  You are the bastard that brings me pain and misery.  You are the creature who wants to break my heart.  And have you stopped to think what this will do to Jack?"  She got back up onto her feet, then began to lick the windshield.  Her tongue was long and talented.

"I'm almost done, then I'll be gone."

"And when you're gone, my lover will be gone.  My dear, sweet Jack."  She began to suck on her fingers, much the same way a child sucks its thumb.  She walked up to the front of the car and ran her hands ever so gently over the grill.  And then she leaned down to the front left headlight.  "Oh Jack, darling Jack, you have the most beautiful headlights in the world.  How will I get along without your high beams?"  She kissed the headlight for a long moment.

"OK, I just need you to sign here."  I handed her the paperwork.

"And what if I don't?"

"I think that Jack would want it this way."

She turned away from me dramatically.  Then she looked at me again and smiled.  "You're right, of course.  Jack was always the sensible one in our relationship."  She signed the paperwork and then ran into the house crying.

As I drove down her street, I patted the steering wheel.  "Well Jack, we have a long ride ahead to Atlanta.  Are you up for it, buddy?"  But Jack said nothing.  He was probably still sad over leaving Anna.

CRYSTAL BALL

On my way to Minnesota last week, I stopped off at a small rural gas station.  I was very low on fuel, and had to run to the restroom.  When I came out of the restroom, which was around the back of the building, I heard a faint voice call out to me.  "Can you help me?  Please sir?"

I looked over and saw a small, withered old woman sitting on the ground wearing tattered clothes.  She had a rag tied around her head, and she looked sad and troubled.  At first I thought it was just another one of "Bill's people" and I wanted to flee.  But something about her and the way she sat reminded me very much of the little old bird woman in MARY POPPINS.  That song FEED THE BIRDS has always haunted me, and it is from one of my favorite all time movies.

"Help me, please?" she said again.

"What do you need?" I asked.

"I just need a little bit of money to get a bite to eat.  If you will help me, I will read your fortune."

"Read my fortune?"  I was skeptical, but have learned over the years to keep an open mind.  Mostly I just felt for her and wanted to help her out.  I reached into my pocket.  "I only have four dollars cash right now."

"That will do, give it to me."  I handed over the cash.  "Now come closer and give me your hand."

I did as she said, then smiled and said,  "Don't you have a crystal ball?"

"Hush!" she demanded.  Her hands were dirty, but I let her take my own freshly washed hand and feel it.  First she pressed lightly on the flesh of my palm, then she ran her fingers lightly over the lines in my hand.  Suddenly, she squeezed tightly and closed her eyes and made a face of deep concentration.  It was as if she were drifting away.

"You OK?"

"Shh!  Hush now!" she commanded me.  And I did what she said.  She kept her eyes closed and began to chant.  "You drive very far, long distances, every day."

"How did you --"

"Hush!" she interrupted.  "You have many friends who love you, yet you are lonely.  You are looking for answers, but aren't quite sure you know the questions.  You want to find your father... no, you lost your father...  no, wait...  your father died and yet you still search for him.  You have dreams that you don't make come true.  You just drive."

I had chills running up and down my back.  How in the world could she know all of this about me.  It was as if she were inside my soul rummaging around.

"You care about others, sometimes more than you care about yourself.  You try so hard to help other people, but many times it works out badly.  You try to do unto others, and live by a code of honor that others see as a sign of weakness."  She held one hand high up in the air.  "You must stop.  You must take inventory and learn to relax.  You have a good heart, but no one to share it with.  There is hope for you yet, but only if you find the key to unlock the anguish in your heart, and then dispose of it.  Get rid of it!"

I nodded.  "Anything else?"

"Yes.  Beware of the marshes, the mire and the muck.  Beware of the swamps that hide killer ducks."

I shook my head.  "What does that mean?"

"Take heed!  Mark my words!"

"OK."

"Now go.  And have a lovely day."

I hurried to my car and drove away.  This was rather eerie.  She knew so much personal information about me.  But the warning about the ducks at the end was oddly mysterious.  I got out my CD case and popped in the MARY POPPINS soundtrack.  Put on the song FEED THE BIRDS, because it was on my mind and I really love that song.  I've read that it was Walt Disney's favorite song, also.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

It had been a hard couple of weeks for me.  So I was happy to be taking a car to Richmond, and just had a good feeling in my gut that this time I would catch up with Karen.  I had not seen her since she left Indianapolis, and I needed some of her loving friendship.  Badly.

I arrived in Richmond the day before I was set to deliver.  I went straight to the Garden Of Eat'n Cafe, and I looked in the window to see her.  My heart leaped to new heights, and I felt so good all over.  She didn't see me, but I stood there for a moment just watching her.  Enjoying her glow, her sweet and simple beauty.  And yes, her shiny blonde hair.  I love this woman.

And then something completely unexpected happened.  Her ex-girlfriend Cheryl stepped out from the kitchen door.  They spoke for a minute, and laughed together.  Then Cheryl leaned in close and kissed Karen on the lips.  Suddenly, my heart sunk.

When Cheryl walked back into the kitchen, Karen turned and looked out the window.  Her face lit up and she ran to the door to greet me.  "Hey you!" she said cheerfully.

"Hey gal."

"Get over here quick and give me a hug.  Its been too long."

I walked over and hugged her, though I must admit that she was hugging tighter than me.  "How have you been?"

"The question is, how have You been?  I thought you would have come to visit me before now."

"I did come, several times.  You were either gone the days I came, or the Cafe was closed."

Karen looked down at her feet for a minute.  "Uh, yeah, well I made a few trips back to Indy.  There was some stuff to take care of."

"Cheryl?"

"Yes, Cheryl, is that a problem?" she asked in a defensive tone.

"No, no.  I'm just a little confused.  I thought you moved here partly to get away from her."

"I did, partly.  But she... I mean we...  Bill, she wrote me poetry.  No girl has ever written me poetry."

"I used to write you stories all the time."

"You're not a girl, silly."

"Thank God for that."

Karen looked at me with an odd expression.  "Am I detecting a little attitude from you?"

I shrugged.  "I just thought we'd have more quality time together."

She nodded.  "I think I know what you thought.  What did you think, Bill?  That because I broke up with my girlfriend I wasn't gay anymore?"

"Clearly you haven't broken up with your girlfriend."

"We did, but... well, she missed me.  And I guess I missed her, too."

I shuffled my feet around.  "Does she live here now?"

She shook her head no.  "She is just here for an extended visit.  She doesn't like it here.  I think she wants me to move back to Indy."

"Are you gonna?"

"Would that be a problem for you?"

"I don't know, Karen, would it be a problem for you?"

She gave me an appraising look.  "I don't like you like this.  Your kind heart just flew out the window."

"Sorry."

"No, I don't think you are.  I was going to invite you in for a bite, but I don't need the negativity in my Cafe."

"Alright, then."  I began to walk away.

She stepped towards me and grabbed my hand.  "Hey."  I turned around.  "Get this crap out of your system then come back and see me.  OK?"  She paused.  "You know I love you, right?"

"Love you, too," I mumbled.  And then I got into the car and drove away.