Fred Gieger was a good friend to me in High School. Nowhere near as close to me as my two best friends Steve and Justin, but I valued the relationship very much. Fred was the quarterback of the varsity football team, and I had never known anyone personally who was a jock or popular. He was both.
When he started having trouble with his grades in History class, he came to me because I had a reputation as someone who was good with a video camera. Back then, that was a lot more rare than it is today. I could make mini-movies to show in class that amused teachers and classmates and got me extra credit. So I made one for Fred and let him take all the credit, and he never forgot me for it.
I grew up to become the writer/editor for a national magazine (before the magazine folded and I became A Driving Fool). Fred rolled into high finance on Wall Street, and though our paths did not cross again for many years we stayed in touch. When I had to take a business trip to Manhattan, I called him to say I was coming and he was thrilled. He insisted on taking me out to dinner and to see a Broadway show. I was excited, as I’d always harbored a secret wish to see a musical on Broadway. It was near the top of my Bucket list.
The day I arrived, there was a limo waiting for me at JFK. I planned to arrange my own transportation, but Fred had beat me to the punch. I went to my meetings, and then at the end of the day went to his office. He showed me around, and I went to the observation deck of the building to get a good look at the city from a bird’s eye view. Fred told me that he had quite a night planned for us. He said he had tried hard to get us tickets to see the musical comedy THE PRODUCERS, but that it was nearly impossible to procure them. But he said we’d see another show, and our evening began.
We drank and talked and laughed for hours. We went out for dinner, and it was one of the most amazing meals that I’ve ever consumed. The fun never ended, and we had such a good time that we ended up not making it to the theatre in time to see our show. Normally, I would have been very disappointed, but I was having such a grand time that it didn’t seem to matter much at all.
Although I had a hotel room paid for by my magazine, we ended up back at Fred’s place. He insisted that I sleep on his couch, and I was in no mood to argue. We were both a bit beyond tipsy. I told him that I had to catch a flight at 6:30am, and he promised to set an alarm for me.
Then the conversation took a rather surprising turn. “You know what, Bill? You really do mean a lot to me. I know you may think it’s the liquor talking, but it’s not. Maybe the liquor is making my tongue a little looser, and I’m saying things I might not most of the time. But the plain and simple truth is that I care about you very much. I know that back in High school you looked up to me a lot.”
“I did.”
“I know you did. A lot of other kids did too, and it sort of went to my head. And I remember once you tried to tell me that you cared about me as a friend. I wasn’t very nice about it.”
“You said it sounded gay.”
Fred shook his head. “I either would not or could not tell another guy that I cared about them, or that they meant a lot to me, or… anything. But now, well, I just want you to know that you’re a real special guy and you touched my life in a significant way. I’ll always be grateful to you for helping me get a passing grade in History class, yet I’m even more appreciative to you for being a true friend.”
I do remember hearing that, and not much else. Soon after I was slipping into deep sleep mode as I could barely make out Fred offering me another drink. I was out like a light, on the express train to dreamland. I got up at 4:30am, ran downstairs and caught a cab, and made it to JFK just in time to get checked in and make my flight on Sept. 11, 2001.
When I landed, I began to hear about what had occurred after I left New York. And when I heard that the first plane had hit the building where Fred worked on the 80th floor, my heart sunk. I had just been in that building the day before, standing up on the observation level. I had missed being there by the skin of my teeth. But what was more important, Fred was there. I spent the entire day on the phone trying to find out if he was OK. I didn’t learn definitively until a few days later that he had died. My heart was broken, and things seemed all topsy-turvy to me. I still can’t make sense of the whole thing to this day, and know there are many, many people out there like me who lost so much that day.
A few years later, when I started the job driving around the country, I began to have a deeper appreciation for America and the people in it. This is a great nation, and I for one am proud to be a citizen here. There is beauty and grace and majesty everywhere you look, and there are a lot of very good folks here with good hearts. I feel very blessed to see more everyday, and to meet more Americans who love it as much as I do and take pride in the USA.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Bubba In The Panhandle
After my hospital visit and two weeks of R&R at Pastor Rex’s home, I was ready and eager to get on the road again. Although it’s just a job to pay the bills, there is something very satisfying about the open highway, a freedom and a beauty that’s hard to match.
I was told to pick up a car in Marianna, Florida and drive it up to Boston. I looked and found that Marianna is in the Florida panhandle, and soon learned that it is so small that there is no Greyhound, Amtrak or rental car agencies. I usually always rent cars to get to or from a pickup or delivery, because it’s easier and I’ve had bad experiences with Greyhound. But how to get to the small car dealership in Marianna?
I rented a car in Clearwater, but the closest place I could drop off to Marianna was the Panama City airport, 50 miles away. A cab ride would be well over $100, and that was cost prohibitive, Riff certainly wouldn’t pay for it, so I’d have to use that old driving fool cunning and spirit. I called my contact at the car dealership and asked for his advice. He said he’d get back to me, and when he did an hour later he told me about a retired gentleman named Bubba who picked up cars for them in other cities. He gave me Bubba’s number, and I called to see if I could make some type of arrangement.
“Hello? Hello? Is someone there?” asked Bubba when I called.
“Is this Bubba?”
“Depends. I could be. Who’s this calling?”
“Bill Thomas, sir. I was given your number by Steve at the Chevy dealership, he said you might be able to help me.”
“I might. But I don’t come easy and I don’t come cheap. I will be on the clock, and charge you $8 per hour.”
“Done.”
“Done? You mean we have a deal? You don’t even want to haggle? In all of my 80 years, I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Nope, no need to bargain, we have a deal. Can you meet me at the Panama City airport tomorrow at 10am?”
“I have a better plan, Bill. You call me when you are an hour away, and I’ll leave my house then. That’s when I’ll be on the clock, getting paid.”
“Sounds good, Bubba.”
“Hey, did you know that the Panama City airport isn’t in the same place anymore? They moved it. Well I mean, they didn’t move the airport, but they closed the old one and opened a new one. You get me?”
“Yes sir. I’ll call you in the morning.”
I stopped in Tallahassee for the night, and was right on time the next morning. I could see that I’d be at the airport to drop off the car at 10am, just as I thought. I planned to call Bubba at 9am, but he called me at 8:30. “Hello?” he said when I picked up. “Hello, can you hear me?”
“Good morning, Bubba.”
“Who’s this?”
“It’s Bill.”
“Oh, Bill, I was just about to call you. I wanted to let you know that I’m on the clock, I’m leaving for the airport.”
“You don’t have to leave til 9am.”
“Maybe you never heard the old saying, the early bird gets the worm.”
“Yeah, but—“
“By the way, Bill, you should be aware that the Panama City airport has moved. They didn’t move the airport itself, but they did open a new facility.”
“Thanks, I have directions.”
“Do you need me to give you directions?”
“No, I can find my way. See you there.”
“I’m on the clock!” Bubba hung up, and I chuckled to myself. Another one of Bill’s people.
I got to the airport at 9:45 and drove my rental car to the Rental Return parking lot. As I got out of the car and started to head to the Terminal, my cell rang. “This is Bill.”
“Bill? Where are you? I’ve been at the airport waiting for you. Did something happen?”
“No, everything is fine. I’m here.”
“You’re where?”
“I’m at the airport..”
“The old one or the new one?”
“The new one. I just got here.”
“How come I can’t see you?”
“It’s a big place, Bubba. Where are you now?”
“I told you, I’m at the airport.”
“I mean where are you parked?”
“Oh, I’m not parked at all. I’m cruising and looking for you. I’m coming up to a sign that says Rental Returns.”
“What are you driving?”
“A blue Ford Taurus.” Just at that moment, I saw a blue Taurus driving slowly past the entrance I had just come in.
“Stop the car, Bubba.” The Taurus jolted to an abrupt stop. “Look to your right out of the passenger window.” I began to wave my arms.
“Bill, I’m gonna have to get back to you. There’s a man waving his arms like crazy at me, I think he may be in trouble. I’m gonna see if I can help him, I’ll call you back.” The car drove over to me, and Bubba rolled down his window. “You need some assistance, friend?”
“Bubba, it’s me.”
Bubba looked perplexed. “How did you know my name? Have we met, sir?”
I reached my hand out to shake. “Bill Thomas, I’m the driver you came to pick up.”
A broad smile spread across Bubba’s face. “Hello, Bill. What a coincidence, finding you when I was just looking for you. Pretty darn incredible. All ready to go?”
I got into the car and told him that I had to turn in my paperwork and keys at the Terminal. This began a long process of circling and missing the sign instructing us to turn. Bubba drove by it three times, as I tried desperately to point it out to him. So around and around we went, with him whistling the theme to THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. We finally got to the Terminal, and he waited while I went inside. I ran as quickly as I could, but when I got back to the car Bubba was fuming. “What in the hell took you so long? I ain’t got all day.”
“Sorry Bubba, I went as quick as I could. Don’t worry about it, you’re on the clock.”
“Don’t throw that up in my face, I’m not your servant boy.”
“No sir, I didn’t mean that at all.”
“OK, your highness, where to?”
“The car dealership.”
“Which dealership? There’s a lot of them in Florida.”
“The one where you work. I’m sorry, I thought you knew.”
“I have news for you, young man. I am retired, and don’t work for anyone. Sometimes they call me when they need a car moved, and sometimes I help out. Well, most of the time actually, but I don’t answer to anyone or any corporation. You get me?”
“Absolutely.”
“You should also know that I’m a veteran, I fought in Korea, which is more than I can say for you.” Bubba began huffing and puffing, then let out a long sigh and grinned from ear to ear. As he drove, his demeanor became very pleasant and affable, and he began to point out sights such as ponds and groves of trees. What was interesting is that he’d literally point, thrusting his arm and hand in the direction he was pointing. More than once he was indicating something outside of my window, and his hand would come flying towards my face. I’d have to duck or he surely would have punched me in the jaw. Not on purpose, of course, but the result would be the same. “You know, Bill, there’s nothing like the open road.” This time he pointed straight ahead, and banged his fist hard against the windshield. He shouted in pain and shook his right hand vigorously. “Wow, that smarts.”
“I bet it does.”
“You’d win that bet, my friend. Say, do you like good old southern style cooking?”
“Who doesn’t?”
“Some people don’t, I suppose. But I don’t want to know those people. Anyhow, there’s a place near where I live that serves the best homestyle cooking you’ve ever laid your tongue on. Want to go there with me when we get done?”
“Wish I could, Bubba, but I have to drive a car up to Boston.”
“I am trying to tell you that this is the best cooking in the state of Florida. You get me?”
“Yes sir, I do. But I’ll have to take a rain check.”
Bubba got very sullen. “I don’t give out rain checks. I’m 80 years old, so its now or never.”
We got back to the dealership, and Bubba told me what I owed him. I thanked him sincerely, paid him, plus gave him something for his gas. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Bill. But if I can offer you some advice, you might want to work on your manners. That’s all I’m saying.”
Thirty minutes later, I started my long journey to Boston.
I was told to pick up a car in Marianna, Florida and drive it up to Boston. I looked and found that Marianna is in the Florida panhandle, and soon learned that it is so small that there is no Greyhound, Amtrak or rental car agencies. I usually always rent cars to get to or from a pickup or delivery, because it’s easier and I’ve had bad experiences with Greyhound. But how to get to the small car dealership in Marianna?
I rented a car in Clearwater, but the closest place I could drop off to Marianna was the Panama City airport, 50 miles away. A cab ride would be well over $100, and that was cost prohibitive, Riff certainly wouldn’t pay for it, so I’d have to use that old driving fool cunning and spirit. I called my contact at the car dealership and asked for his advice. He said he’d get back to me, and when he did an hour later he told me about a retired gentleman named Bubba who picked up cars for them in other cities. He gave me Bubba’s number, and I called to see if I could make some type of arrangement.
“Hello? Hello? Is someone there?” asked Bubba when I called.
“Is this Bubba?”
“Depends. I could be. Who’s this calling?”
“Bill Thomas, sir. I was given your number by Steve at the Chevy dealership, he said you might be able to help me.”
“I might. But I don’t come easy and I don’t come cheap. I will be on the clock, and charge you $8 per hour.”
“Done.”
“Done? You mean we have a deal? You don’t even want to haggle? In all of my 80 years, I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Nope, no need to bargain, we have a deal. Can you meet me at the Panama City airport tomorrow at 10am?”
“I have a better plan, Bill. You call me when you are an hour away, and I’ll leave my house then. That’s when I’ll be on the clock, getting paid.”
“Sounds good, Bubba.”
“Hey, did you know that the Panama City airport isn’t in the same place anymore? They moved it. Well I mean, they didn’t move the airport, but they closed the old one and opened a new one. You get me?”
“Yes sir. I’ll call you in the morning.”
I stopped in Tallahassee for the night, and was right on time the next morning. I could see that I’d be at the airport to drop off the car at 10am, just as I thought. I planned to call Bubba at 9am, but he called me at 8:30. “Hello?” he said when I picked up. “Hello, can you hear me?”
“Good morning, Bubba.”
“Who’s this?”
“It’s Bill.”
“Oh, Bill, I was just about to call you. I wanted to let you know that I’m on the clock, I’m leaving for the airport.”
“You don’t have to leave til 9am.”
“Maybe you never heard the old saying, the early bird gets the worm.”
“Yeah, but—“
“By the way, Bill, you should be aware that the Panama City airport has moved. They didn’t move the airport itself, but they did open a new facility.”
“Thanks, I have directions.”
“Do you need me to give you directions?”
“No, I can find my way. See you there.”
“I’m on the clock!” Bubba hung up, and I chuckled to myself. Another one of Bill’s people.
I got to the airport at 9:45 and drove my rental car to the Rental Return parking lot. As I got out of the car and started to head to the Terminal, my cell rang. “This is Bill.”
“Bill? Where are you? I’ve been at the airport waiting for you. Did something happen?”
“No, everything is fine. I’m here.”
“You’re where?”
“I’m at the airport..”
“The old one or the new one?”
“The new one. I just got here.”
“How come I can’t see you?”
“It’s a big place, Bubba. Where are you now?”
“I told you, I’m at the airport.”
“I mean where are you parked?”
“Oh, I’m not parked at all. I’m cruising and looking for you. I’m coming up to a sign that says Rental Returns.”
“What are you driving?”
“A blue Ford Taurus.” Just at that moment, I saw a blue Taurus driving slowly past the entrance I had just come in.
“Stop the car, Bubba.” The Taurus jolted to an abrupt stop. “Look to your right out of the passenger window.” I began to wave my arms.
“Bill, I’m gonna have to get back to you. There’s a man waving his arms like crazy at me, I think he may be in trouble. I’m gonna see if I can help him, I’ll call you back.” The car drove over to me, and Bubba rolled down his window. “You need some assistance, friend?”
“Bubba, it’s me.”
Bubba looked perplexed. “How did you know my name? Have we met, sir?”
I reached my hand out to shake. “Bill Thomas, I’m the driver you came to pick up.”
A broad smile spread across Bubba’s face. “Hello, Bill. What a coincidence, finding you when I was just looking for you. Pretty darn incredible. All ready to go?”
I got into the car and told him that I had to turn in my paperwork and keys at the Terminal. This began a long process of circling and missing the sign instructing us to turn. Bubba drove by it three times, as I tried desperately to point it out to him. So around and around we went, with him whistling the theme to THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. We finally got to the Terminal, and he waited while I went inside. I ran as quickly as I could, but when I got back to the car Bubba was fuming. “What in the hell took you so long? I ain’t got all day.”
“Sorry Bubba, I went as quick as I could. Don’t worry about it, you’re on the clock.”
“Don’t throw that up in my face, I’m not your servant boy.”
“No sir, I didn’t mean that at all.”
“OK, your highness, where to?”
“The car dealership.”
“Which dealership? There’s a lot of them in Florida.”
“The one where you work. I’m sorry, I thought you knew.”
“I have news for you, young man. I am retired, and don’t work for anyone. Sometimes they call me when they need a car moved, and sometimes I help out. Well, most of the time actually, but I don’t answer to anyone or any corporation. You get me?”
“Absolutely.”
“You should also know that I’m a veteran, I fought in Korea, which is more than I can say for you.” Bubba began huffing and puffing, then let out a long sigh and grinned from ear to ear. As he drove, his demeanor became very pleasant and affable, and he began to point out sights such as ponds and groves of trees. What was interesting is that he’d literally point, thrusting his arm and hand in the direction he was pointing. More than once he was indicating something outside of my window, and his hand would come flying towards my face. I’d have to duck or he surely would have punched me in the jaw. Not on purpose, of course, but the result would be the same. “You know, Bill, there’s nothing like the open road.” This time he pointed straight ahead, and banged his fist hard against the windshield. He shouted in pain and shook his right hand vigorously. “Wow, that smarts.”
“I bet it does.”
“You’d win that bet, my friend. Say, do you like good old southern style cooking?”
“Who doesn’t?”
“Some people don’t, I suppose. But I don’t want to know those people. Anyhow, there’s a place near where I live that serves the best homestyle cooking you’ve ever laid your tongue on. Want to go there with me when we get done?”
“Wish I could, Bubba, but I have to drive a car up to Boston.”
“I am trying to tell you that this is the best cooking in the state of Florida. You get me?”
“Yes sir, I do. But I’ll have to take a rain check.”
Bubba got very sullen. “I don’t give out rain checks. I’m 80 years old, so its now or never.”
We got back to the dealership, and Bubba told me what I owed him. I thanked him sincerely, paid him, plus gave him something for his gas. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Bill. But if I can offer you some advice, you might want to work on your manners. That’s all I’m saying.”
Thirty minutes later, I started my long journey to Boston.
Friday, September 3, 2010
A PIRATE AND A PASTOR
I was awakened very suddenly by my cell phone ringing. Confused and disoriented, I reached over to the bedside table and picked it up. "Hello? Hello, this is Bill."
"Good morning Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman. I'm the woman you moved the car down to Bonita Springs for."
I rubbed my hand over my face. "Yes, Mrs. Sherman, I remember you."
"Bill, I was just watching a movie and eating my morning oatmeal, and I thought about you. It's a sweet movie about a little boy who travels in time in a flying car."
"Sounds like BACK TO THE FUTURE 2."
"I saw the car in the movie and thought I better call and ask if you can drive my car back up north when I'm ready to go."
"That's no problem, Mrs. Sherman. But I have to get up and get going, if you'll excuse me."
"Goodbye, Bill." She hung up, and I wondered how many times she had called in the last month about this same topic. I looked around the room and wondered where I was for a moment. Must be the medication I was taking, it sometimes made me a little confused. There was a rapid knock on my bedroom door, and my old friend Pastor Rex Porter stuck his head in.
"Morning Bill. Do you still want to go out on my boat with me today?"
"Uh, yeah, sure. But I need to get a shower first."
"Go ahead, take your time. I'll make us some breakfast while you get ready. Any special requests?"
"Oatmeal." Rex left, and I began to get motivated. I was in Clearwater, Florida at the home of my old high school buddy Rex. My recent stay in a hospital had necessitated some down time afterwards for recovery, and Rex insisted that I stay at his home for a while. We had talked about going out on his 52' Clipper ketch when I felt strong enough, and I thought the sea air might do me good.
We arrived at the marina just over an hour later. I was surprised when Rex told me that he was taking a charter, with a young couple from Kentucky. He also explained that a man named Joey from Iowa had been bugging him for a week to go out on the boat, but said he could not afford the rates. So Rex had made an arrangement to let him ride for free if he would work as first mate and help with chores on the trip. Joey was on board when we arrived at the boat. "All aboard, Cap'n Rex," shouted Joey.
"At ease, Joey, this is a pleasure cruise."
"Who is this with you, Skipper?"
I held my hand out to shake. "Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."
"What's that?" he asked.
"Bill Thomas."
"I'm asking your name," Joey said with some irritation in his voice.
"Bill."
"Tell you what, I'll just call you Dave."
After motoring out of the harbor, we set sail out into the Gulf of Mexico, heading for unknown adventures ahead. I sat next to Rex at the wheel as he steered us masterfully on the salty waters. I turned to him and asked, "So you are a church Pastor on Sunday, and a boat Captain during the week?"
"I am both, a Pastor and a Pirate. But you know, I'm not just a Pastor on Sunday, my boss expects me to respect my work as a full time job."
"Your boss?"
Rex pointed to the sky. "God. The big man. Now, where is Joey. I need him to do some things, and he seems to have disappeared. Come on down to the galley, I'll buy you a bad cup of coffee and maybe we'll bump into Joey." Rex led me down into the galley and poured us both a big steaming mug of java. I asked for sugar and cream, and Rex was stumped. "That's odd," he said. "I keep a big container full of sugar packets and sugar-free sweeteners. The containers are here, but they are empty."
"No coffee for me then. Got to have it sweet or not at all."
"Well, my customers are up on deck getting some sun, and the boat is on auto pilot, so we can relax. I've been wanting to tell you that Doris and I love having you in our home. You wash dishes and load and unload the dishwasher, and we so appreciate it."
"Hey pal, I appreciate you opening your home to me when I needed some R&R."
"Well you know, I believe that God brought us together."
"I thought you found me on Facebook?"
"Yes I did, but it had been many years since I'd seen you or we had been in contact. God provided me a way through Facebook to bring us into each other's lives again."
"You think there was a reason?" I asked.
"Bill, with God there is always a reason. Don't you realize that He's been watching over you as you've driven all these years? He loves you." The boat suddenly lurched, and Rex hurried up the stairs to the deck. I followed close behind. One of the masts had gotten tangled up in the ropes, and the couple from Kentucky seemed concerned. "Don't worry folks, all is well." Then Rex turned to me. "Doggone it, where is that Joey? He's supposed to help me take care of these things."
Once Rex got everything back under control, we sat at the wheel again. "I see a lot of roads in my daily travels, but I don't get to see all this water. What a beautiful sight."
Rex nodded. "God made it all for us. Bill, are you a Christian?"
"I believe in God and his Son."
"Have you been saved?"
"I feel like I was saved by you when you let me stay in your home to recover."
"I think you know what I mean."
"OK, well, I haven't been going to church for a lot of years, but I pray every single day. I ask God to keep me safe as I drive, and I thank Him for giving me life, and I thank Him for the gorgeous world he created that I get to see each day. I pray for the sick and the poor, and I pray for the end of all wars and that men everywhere could live in peace like brothers."
"That's very good. But don't forget about faith."
"Rex, faith is pretty much all I have to lean on. If it helps you understand me any better, my favorite verse is John 3:16. That is the foundation of my faith."
Joey came up onto the deck, and Rex wanted to know where he had been. "I was in the bathroom down below."
"The bathroom? For an hour?"
"I fell asleep in there. Hey, this is a pretty cool boat. Hey, is that an island?" Joey pointed to a small island out in the Gulf.
Rex sighed. "Yes Joey, that is an island."
"I gotta get a picture of that." Joey fumbled in the pockets of his jacket for a camera, and out fell dozens of packets of sugar and sweetener.
"What's all this?" Rex asked.
"Oh, I thought they were souvenirs, free samples."
"And what gave you that idea?"
"I need to get a shot of that island." Joey ran to the front of the boat, camera in hand.
Rex laughed and reached into a small ice chest that he had next to his chair. "Want a pickle?"
"No thanks."
Rex pulled out a large whole pickle and started to munch on it. "I love a good pickle, nothing like it."
"What are you going to do about Joey?"
"He's harmless. I can see I'm not going to get any work out of him, so I guess he gets a free trip, which is what he wanted all along. I get a whole lot of strange people on my boat."
"Yes, I know the feeling. I run across them all the time on the road, and I like to call them 'Bill's people.'"
Rex snorted with laughter. "'Bill's people,' huh? Good one. Does Joey fit the category?"
"Yes he does, with flying colors. Listen Rex, I want to thank you for caring about me and my soul. Not many people do."
"You are a special person, and I believe a lot of people care about you more than you know. One thing I am certain of: God is not through with you, not by a long shot. He has big plans for you."
"Really? Like what?" I was interrupted as Joey joined us again, staring hungrily at Rex's pickle.
"Where did you get that?" Joey asked.
"What?" asked Rex, playing dumb.
"The pickle."
"I brought it with me."
"Do you have another one?"
"No." A little white lie, I suppose, but it seemed justified under the circumstances.
"But I want a pickle. I love pickles."
"Sorry," offered Rex.
"Can I have a bite of your pickle?"
"Absolutely not. I gave you a list of chores when you got here, now are you planning on doing any of them?"
"I have to run to the bathroom." Joey scurried down below, and Rex just chuckled.
Joey vanished and remained out of sight until we got back to the marina. Rex smiled at me and asked, "How did you like spending the day with a sailing fool?"
"Fun," I told him.
About this time, Joey reappeared, and as he started off the boat, Rex grabbed him by the arm. "Joey, I'm missing a brass fixture from down below. It's sort of an ornament, and I wondered if you might have seen it?"
"I, well I, uh..." Joey stammered.
"Joey, please don't embarrass yourself."
Joey dug into his pockets, and his hand came out holding the missing object. "Here you go. I'm really sorry, but I thought it was a souvenir for me to take home."
"You seem to think anything that isn't nailed down is a souvenir."
Suddenly, Joey's temperament changed entirely. He got very defensive and very loud, and began barking at Rex. "How dare you. How dare you, sir! I come here in good faith to go on a pleasure cruise with you, and you accuse me of-- you make wild unsubstantiated claims that I-- Listen, I hate to say it, but I think I'm going to have to demand a refund."
Rex stepped toward Joey purposefully. "Time to get off my boat, right now." Joey got very pale and turned and hurried off.
It was a memorable boat ride, and it somehow made me realize that the road was calling my name once again. Time to ride.
"Good morning Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman. I'm the woman you moved the car down to Bonita Springs for."
I rubbed my hand over my face. "Yes, Mrs. Sherman, I remember you."
"Bill, I was just watching a movie and eating my morning oatmeal, and I thought about you. It's a sweet movie about a little boy who travels in time in a flying car."
"Sounds like BACK TO THE FUTURE 2."
"I saw the car in the movie and thought I better call and ask if you can drive my car back up north when I'm ready to go."
"That's no problem, Mrs. Sherman. But I have to get up and get going, if you'll excuse me."
"Goodbye, Bill." She hung up, and I wondered how many times she had called in the last month about this same topic. I looked around the room and wondered where I was for a moment. Must be the medication I was taking, it sometimes made me a little confused. There was a rapid knock on my bedroom door, and my old friend Pastor Rex Porter stuck his head in.
"Morning Bill. Do you still want to go out on my boat with me today?"
"Uh, yeah, sure. But I need to get a shower first."
"Go ahead, take your time. I'll make us some breakfast while you get ready. Any special requests?"
"Oatmeal." Rex left, and I began to get motivated. I was in Clearwater, Florida at the home of my old high school buddy Rex. My recent stay in a hospital had necessitated some down time afterwards for recovery, and Rex insisted that I stay at his home for a while. We had talked about going out on his 52' Clipper ketch when I felt strong enough, and I thought the sea air might do me good.
We arrived at the marina just over an hour later. I was surprised when Rex told me that he was taking a charter, with a young couple from Kentucky. He also explained that a man named Joey from Iowa had been bugging him for a week to go out on the boat, but said he could not afford the rates. So Rex had made an arrangement to let him ride for free if he would work as first mate and help with chores on the trip. Joey was on board when we arrived at the boat. "All aboard, Cap'n Rex," shouted Joey.
"At ease, Joey, this is a pleasure cruise."
"Who is this with you, Skipper?"
I held my hand out to shake. "Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."
"What's that?" he asked.
"Bill Thomas."
"I'm asking your name," Joey said with some irritation in his voice.
"Bill."
"Tell you what, I'll just call you Dave."
After motoring out of the harbor, we set sail out into the Gulf of Mexico, heading for unknown adventures ahead. I sat next to Rex at the wheel as he steered us masterfully on the salty waters. I turned to him and asked, "So you are a church Pastor on Sunday, and a boat Captain during the week?"
"I am both, a Pastor and a Pirate. But you know, I'm not just a Pastor on Sunday, my boss expects me to respect my work as a full time job."
"Your boss?"
Rex pointed to the sky. "God. The big man. Now, where is Joey. I need him to do some things, and he seems to have disappeared. Come on down to the galley, I'll buy you a bad cup of coffee and maybe we'll bump into Joey." Rex led me down into the galley and poured us both a big steaming mug of java. I asked for sugar and cream, and Rex was stumped. "That's odd," he said. "I keep a big container full of sugar packets and sugar-free sweeteners. The containers are here, but they are empty."
"No coffee for me then. Got to have it sweet or not at all."
"Well, my customers are up on deck getting some sun, and the boat is on auto pilot, so we can relax. I've been wanting to tell you that Doris and I love having you in our home. You wash dishes and load and unload the dishwasher, and we so appreciate it."
"Hey pal, I appreciate you opening your home to me when I needed some R&R."
"Well you know, I believe that God brought us together."
"I thought you found me on Facebook?"
"Yes I did, but it had been many years since I'd seen you or we had been in contact. God provided me a way through Facebook to bring us into each other's lives again."
"You think there was a reason?" I asked.
"Bill, with God there is always a reason. Don't you realize that He's been watching over you as you've driven all these years? He loves you." The boat suddenly lurched, and Rex hurried up the stairs to the deck. I followed close behind. One of the masts had gotten tangled up in the ropes, and the couple from Kentucky seemed concerned. "Don't worry folks, all is well." Then Rex turned to me. "Doggone it, where is that Joey? He's supposed to help me take care of these things."
Once Rex got everything back under control, we sat at the wheel again. "I see a lot of roads in my daily travels, but I don't get to see all this water. What a beautiful sight."
Rex nodded. "God made it all for us. Bill, are you a Christian?"
"I believe in God and his Son."
"Have you been saved?"
"I feel like I was saved by you when you let me stay in your home to recover."
"I think you know what I mean."
"OK, well, I haven't been going to church for a lot of years, but I pray every single day. I ask God to keep me safe as I drive, and I thank Him for giving me life, and I thank Him for the gorgeous world he created that I get to see each day. I pray for the sick and the poor, and I pray for the end of all wars and that men everywhere could live in peace like brothers."
"That's very good. But don't forget about faith."
"Rex, faith is pretty much all I have to lean on. If it helps you understand me any better, my favorite verse is John 3:16. That is the foundation of my faith."
Joey came up onto the deck, and Rex wanted to know where he had been. "I was in the bathroom down below."
"The bathroom? For an hour?"
"I fell asleep in there. Hey, this is a pretty cool boat. Hey, is that an island?" Joey pointed to a small island out in the Gulf.
Rex sighed. "Yes Joey, that is an island."
"I gotta get a picture of that." Joey fumbled in the pockets of his jacket for a camera, and out fell dozens of packets of sugar and sweetener.
"What's all this?" Rex asked.
"Oh, I thought they were souvenirs, free samples."
"And what gave you that idea?"
"I need to get a shot of that island." Joey ran to the front of the boat, camera in hand.
Rex laughed and reached into a small ice chest that he had next to his chair. "Want a pickle?"
"No thanks."
Rex pulled out a large whole pickle and started to munch on it. "I love a good pickle, nothing like it."
"What are you going to do about Joey?"
"He's harmless. I can see I'm not going to get any work out of him, so I guess he gets a free trip, which is what he wanted all along. I get a whole lot of strange people on my boat."
"Yes, I know the feeling. I run across them all the time on the road, and I like to call them 'Bill's people.'"
Rex snorted with laughter. "'Bill's people,' huh? Good one. Does Joey fit the category?"
"Yes he does, with flying colors. Listen Rex, I want to thank you for caring about me and my soul. Not many people do."
"You are a special person, and I believe a lot of people care about you more than you know. One thing I am certain of: God is not through with you, not by a long shot. He has big plans for you."
"Really? Like what?" I was interrupted as Joey joined us again, staring hungrily at Rex's pickle.
"Where did you get that?" Joey asked.
"What?" asked Rex, playing dumb.
"The pickle."
"I brought it with me."
"Do you have another one?"
"No." A little white lie, I suppose, but it seemed justified under the circumstances.
"But I want a pickle. I love pickles."
"Sorry," offered Rex.
"Can I have a bite of your pickle?"
"Absolutely not. I gave you a list of chores when you got here, now are you planning on doing any of them?"
"I have to run to the bathroom." Joey scurried down below, and Rex just chuckled.
Joey vanished and remained out of sight until we got back to the marina. Rex smiled at me and asked, "How did you like spending the day with a sailing fool?"
"Fun," I told him.
About this time, Joey reappeared, and as he started off the boat, Rex grabbed him by the arm. "Joey, I'm missing a brass fixture from down below. It's sort of an ornament, and I wondered if you might have seen it?"
"I, well I, uh..." Joey stammered.
"Joey, please don't embarrass yourself."
Joey dug into his pockets, and his hand came out holding the missing object. "Here you go. I'm really sorry, but I thought it was a souvenir for me to take home."
"You seem to think anything that isn't nailed down is a souvenir."
Suddenly, Joey's temperament changed entirely. He got very defensive and very loud, and began barking at Rex. "How dare you. How dare you, sir! I come here in good faith to go on a pleasure cruise with you, and you accuse me of-- you make wild unsubstantiated claims that I-- Listen, I hate to say it, but I think I'm going to have to demand a refund."
Rex stepped toward Joey purposefully. "Time to get off my boat, right now." Joey got very pale and turned and hurried off.
It was a memorable boat ride, and it somehow made me realize that the road was calling my name once again. Time to ride.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Rushed To The Hospital
Driving for seven years with little exercise and a bad diet was bound to catch up with me. Sitting on my butt all day in a car, 14 hours at a time. Plus eating a steady diet of double cheeseburgers from many a drive-thru, and consuming mass quantities of diet cola for the caffeine content to get me down the road awake and alert. Lately, my stomach had been hurting me badly.
Then a few weeks ago, I had just delivered a car to Clearwater, FL. I was staying for a few days with my old friend Pastor Rex Porter, who I had not seen in many years. When he found me on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night doubled up in pain, he insisted on rushing me to the nearest hospital. The ER doctor said that I was in bad shape, and needed to be checked in so they could run a series of tests on me. I was very scared, and didn't know what to expect.
Over the next few days, I was poked and prodded, and samples of pretty much everything I have in me were taken to be tested. Oh what joy, what bliss. I got restless quickly, as I am not used to staying still. And they were pumping several IV solutions into me, including antibiotics, antibolic steroids, and sugar water. I was not allowed to eat anything, and that got frustrating after day two.
My roommate was an elderly gent who was still reliving WWII from his bed. I'd hear him yell out in the middle of the night, "We're taking the beach, boys! Normandie is just in sight. Buck up, fall in line, follow me!" In between these proclamations he would make all sorts of odd and sometimes unsettling noises. He never quite mastered pushing the Nurses' call button, because when he needed them he'd shout repeatedly, "Help. Help. Help..." I learned to press my own Nurses' call button right away, so they would come and I could direct them to his side of the curtain.
As miserable as I was being there, they did relieve my pain with morphene every four hours. I've never had that particular drug before, and I must say it was a very unique sensation. I felt a wave of warmth surge from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, and suddenly the pain drifted away. I would not want to get used to this feeling, I can see how it would be addictive. But the nurses and staff were extremely competent and obviously had my best will at heart.
There was one nurse in particular named Randi. She worked through the night, and she made me feel all warm and googley inside. I'd tell her stories of my life on the road. She was 23 and just starting out, but she had a wonderful bedside manner, combined with a sultry voice which she used often to call me "darlin'," and she sort of stole my heart. She could tell I was nervous and did everything she could to comfort me and make me feel special.
One night I was awakened from a deep sleep by a woman screaming bloody murder down the hall from me. I was startled as I sat up, and wondered if she was being beaten to death. Then she began yelling "No, no, no, no!" I was curious, and also needed to stretch my legs, so I decided to take a walk. I got up slowly and grabbed the rolling stand with all the IV bags that were attached to me, then headed down the hall. I guess my hospital gown had come unbuttoned a bit while I was in bed, but I was too doped up and drowsy to notice. I walked by and looked into the room where all the noise was coming from, and saw this odd woman standing on the bed. She reminded me so much of that woman in the bathtub that Jack Nicholson is frightened by in the movie THE SHINING. She yelled at me, "You need to put some clothes on, what's the meaning of you walking down the middle of the street at noon time wearing just a nightgown. Shame on you!"
I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind, and I jumped. It was Randi, and she said, "Easy, darlin'. Don't you pay her no mind, it's all good."
"What time is it, she said noon."
"It's midnight, and don't pay any attention to her. Besides, I think your gown looks cute, but you're coming apart. Let me fix that for you." Randi gently snapped the gown back together and tied it in the back. She leaned in and whispered, "Nice tush," and at that point I knew she was just trying to be nice. "You need anything else, darlin'?"
"Well, I am having a little trouble sleeping. Think you could come and read me a bedtime story?" She just laughed and walked me back to my room.
The next morning, the Doctor dropped in to tell me that I was stabilized and they were sending me home. But that I needed to rest for a week, and also to stay on a strict diet and exercise program daily so this would not happen again. It was a gastro-intestinal problem, and trust me, you don't want to know this kind of pain. Neither do I, ever again, so I intended to follow the Doctor's orders to the letter.
As I was getting dressed in preparation of my departure, the old gent in the bed next to me started shouting, "Yellow corn is not meant for eating, its only meant to be used to make bread." He repeated this same statement loudly over a dozen times. And then very suddenly, he shouted, "OK men, parachutes all in place. Get ready, we're right over the target. Jump, jump, jump!" It was time to check out, and I was ready to go.
Then a few weeks ago, I had just delivered a car to Clearwater, FL. I was staying for a few days with my old friend Pastor Rex Porter, who I had not seen in many years. When he found me on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night doubled up in pain, he insisted on rushing me to the nearest hospital. The ER doctor said that I was in bad shape, and needed to be checked in so they could run a series of tests on me. I was very scared, and didn't know what to expect.
Over the next few days, I was poked and prodded, and samples of pretty much everything I have in me were taken to be tested. Oh what joy, what bliss. I got restless quickly, as I am not used to staying still. And they were pumping several IV solutions into me, including antibiotics, antibolic steroids, and sugar water. I was not allowed to eat anything, and that got frustrating after day two.
My roommate was an elderly gent who was still reliving WWII from his bed. I'd hear him yell out in the middle of the night, "We're taking the beach, boys! Normandie is just in sight. Buck up, fall in line, follow me!" In between these proclamations he would make all sorts of odd and sometimes unsettling noises. He never quite mastered pushing the Nurses' call button, because when he needed them he'd shout repeatedly, "Help. Help. Help..." I learned to press my own Nurses' call button right away, so they would come and I could direct them to his side of the curtain.
As miserable as I was being there, they did relieve my pain with morphene every four hours. I've never had that particular drug before, and I must say it was a very unique sensation. I felt a wave of warmth surge from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, and suddenly the pain drifted away. I would not want to get used to this feeling, I can see how it would be addictive. But the nurses and staff were extremely competent and obviously had my best will at heart.
There was one nurse in particular named Randi. She worked through the night, and she made me feel all warm and googley inside. I'd tell her stories of my life on the road. She was 23 and just starting out, but she had a wonderful bedside manner, combined with a sultry voice which she used often to call me "darlin'," and she sort of stole my heart. She could tell I was nervous and did everything she could to comfort me and make me feel special.
One night I was awakened from a deep sleep by a woman screaming bloody murder down the hall from me. I was startled as I sat up, and wondered if she was being beaten to death. Then she began yelling "No, no, no, no!" I was curious, and also needed to stretch my legs, so I decided to take a walk. I got up slowly and grabbed the rolling stand with all the IV bags that were attached to me, then headed down the hall. I guess my hospital gown had come unbuttoned a bit while I was in bed, but I was too doped up and drowsy to notice. I walked by and looked into the room where all the noise was coming from, and saw this odd woman standing on the bed. She reminded me so much of that woman in the bathtub that Jack Nicholson is frightened by in the movie THE SHINING. She yelled at me, "You need to put some clothes on, what's the meaning of you walking down the middle of the street at noon time wearing just a nightgown. Shame on you!"
I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind, and I jumped. It was Randi, and she said, "Easy, darlin'. Don't you pay her no mind, it's all good."
"What time is it, she said noon."
"It's midnight, and don't pay any attention to her. Besides, I think your gown looks cute, but you're coming apart. Let me fix that for you." Randi gently snapped the gown back together and tied it in the back. She leaned in and whispered, "Nice tush," and at that point I knew she was just trying to be nice. "You need anything else, darlin'?"
"Well, I am having a little trouble sleeping. Think you could come and read me a bedtime story?" She just laughed and walked me back to my room.
The next morning, the Doctor dropped in to tell me that I was stabilized and they were sending me home. But that I needed to rest for a week, and also to stay on a strict diet and exercise program daily so this would not happen again. It was a gastro-intestinal problem, and trust me, you don't want to know this kind of pain. Neither do I, ever again, so I intended to follow the Doctor's orders to the letter.
As I was getting dressed in preparation of my departure, the old gent in the bed next to me started shouting, "Yellow corn is not meant for eating, its only meant to be used to make bread." He repeated this same statement loudly over a dozen times. And then very suddenly, he shouted, "OK men, parachutes all in place. Get ready, we're right over the target. Jump, jump, jump!" It was time to check out, and I was ready to go.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Carrying A Torch For Karen
Six months ago, I was excited as I drove to deliver a Pontiac to Indianapolis. Because waiting for me there was none other than Karen Robbins, the first love of my life. First girl I ever held hands with, first girl I ever kissed, first girl I ever... well, anyway, I've never fallen out of love with her. And even though I hadn't seen her in 16 years, she still held the key to my heart. I had stayed in touch, and knew she was running a successful Cafe in downtown Indy with a partner.
As I got closer, visions of a lovers reunion danced in my head.
I pulled up to her house late in the afternoon. As I walked up to the front door, my eyes were covered by a pair of hands that crept up from behind. "Guess who?" I heard a familiar voice say. I spun around and hugged Karen, who was still slender and had remained remarkably youthful. Her hair was still shiny blond, and her smile was pure sunshine.
"Hey there, sweet gal. I didn't hear you come up behind me, you are stealthy."
"Yeah, I'm a sneaky little SOB. Boy, its sure is good to see you." She brushed her hand against my cheek. "You made good time if you drove from Virginia today."
"I knew you were waiting on this end, so I was inspired to break the speed limit."
"I've always been your inspiration."
"Yes you have."
"So, you want to come inside, or just stand here in the yard all night?"
"I vote for inside." We walked in and a Golden Retriever came rushing up to meet us. I fell to my knees and began petting her. "Who is this?"
"Bill, meet Lily. Lily, this is Bill. You still love dogs, don't you?"
I nuzzled Lily and said, "Yep, and I always will."
"You want a beer?"
"You bet." I followed her into the kitchen and we both opened a beer. I held mine high and said, "Here's to the most beautiful girl that I ever fell in love with."
We clinked our bottles together, and she laughed. "You're just as corny as ever."
"Yes I am. Wait... did you say corny? I thought you said horny."
"You bastard!" She punched me playfully in the arm. "How was the drive?"
"Mildly boring. How was your day?"
She yawned and set her beer down. "Rough and tough. My partner Cheryl is out of town, so I had to run things alone."
"How's business at the Cafe?"
"I'll open another brew and tell you all about it. Ready for another?"
I gulped down the rest of my beer and belched. "Now I am."
"You are still a nut." We adjourned to the Den, and kept on drinking as we strolled down memory lane together. We talked about our first kiss, where I was scared to death and she finally had to grab me and plant one on my lips just to save time. And the field trip we took to the State Capitol in High school when I tried to make a U-turn on the highway going 55mph and ended up doing a 180. She remembered nearly peeing her pants. And she asked about my Mom, so I told her about the accident and the pain I felt after the funeral over unresolved issues.
After a few hours and a lot of beers, we were both feeling buzzed. I laughed and said, "Do you remember the gift you gave me on my 20th birthday?"
"You mean when I drove 300 miles to steal your virginity?"
"That's the one."
"I rocked your world. Admit it, go ahead, admit it."
"You did, I admit it freely. Can I... would you mind if I asked you
for some insight?"
"Step into my office, lay down. Don't worry, I haven't lost a patient yet."
I laid down across the couch I was sitting on. "OK, Dr. Karen, I feel alone all
the time and need somebody to hold and to love."
"If you want to be showered with love and told how wonderful you are, forget it."
"But I--"
"Shut up, I'm analyzing. You care about people, often too much for your own
good. You try to help people, but often get taken advantage of. And somehow,
nutty folks and crazy situations always seem to find you. I read your Blogs,
I know what I'm talking about here." She got up and walked over to me, sat down on my lap and kissed my forehead. "You're a good soul, Bill." She cradled my face in her hands. "I'm just glad you're here. I wish Cheryl were here, she wanted to meet you."
"Cheryl, that's your partner at the Cafe, right?"
"Right, and my roommate and my lover."
"Oh... Oh! So... now wait, are you saying--"
"I'm gay, Bill."
I was completely flustered. "Oh, yeah, well sure you are. I mean... How's that working out for you?"
"Well, I like it fine, and Cheryl seems to dig it, too."
"I'm sure, of course, I mean why wouldn't she?"
"Are you OK, Bill?"
"Fine, fine, just great. No problem at all."
"What's bothering you?"
"We had sex. It was the best I've ever had."
"I was there, I remember."
"So, did I somehow turn you gay?"
She burst out with laughter. "Honey, it's not always about you. When we were
together, I was in love with you. You were my first and only man. And it was
very special to me."
"Me too. How did I not know this, I feel so stupid."
"How come?"
"I've been thinking about you all these years, then I come here and
fall in love with you all over again. And you're taken."
"I still love you very much. I just took a different path."
"I guess I hoped we'd have the chance to reunite someday."
"We have, right here, tonight. Just not under the sheets. Is that
what you were hoping for?" she asked with a smile.
"No," I answered, a bit embarrassed.
She began poking me playfully. "Is that what you wanted? To wrestle under the
sheets with me?"
"No... Maybe."
She giggled and shook her head. "You're still the same sweet guy I fell for all those years ago. Come on, time for bed." She took me to the guest room, then kissed me on the cheek and said she would see me in the morning.
I laid in bed for an hour, unable to go to sleep. My mind was busy processing all of this new and unexpected information. My heart was tugging at me, because all of my feelings for Karen had resurfaced, and yet... I couldn't help feeling alone, it had been over five years since I had felt the touch of a woman. Sex is great, but I would settle for just someone to hold.
In the darkened room, I heard something moving towards me. "Hello? Is someone there?"
"No," answered Karen.
"OK, Mysterious Voice, I just thought I heard a noise."
"Pay no attention, I'm just sleepwalking." She climbed onto the bed beside me. "Pay no attention at all. This is just a dream. We can cuddle, but no hanky panky. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll forget all about this, like it never happened." I put my arms around her and held her close to me, and was filled with a warm feeling of love and security like I hadn't felt in forever. It was wonderful.
The next day, I seemed to have a vague memory of it all as I drove the Pontiac to deliver it. With a huge grin on my face,I suddenly found myself bursting into song. "Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee a, my oh my, my ex-girlfriend is gay!"
As I got closer, visions of a lovers reunion danced in my head.
I pulled up to her house late in the afternoon. As I walked up to the front door, my eyes were covered by a pair of hands that crept up from behind. "Guess who?" I heard a familiar voice say. I spun around and hugged Karen, who was still slender and had remained remarkably youthful. Her hair was still shiny blond, and her smile was pure sunshine.
"Hey there, sweet gal. I didn't hear you come up behind me, you are stealthy."
"Yeah, I'm a sneaky little SOB. Boy, its sure is good to see you." She brushed her hand against my cheek. "You made good time if you drove from Virginia today."
"I knew you were waiting on this end, so I was inspired to break the speed limit."
"I've always been your inspiration."
"Yes you have."
"So, you want to come inside, or just stand here in the yard all night?"
"I vote for inside." We walked in and a Golden Retriever came rushing up to meet us. I fell to my knees and began petting her. "Who is this?"
"Bill, meet Lily. Lily, this is Bill. You still love dogs, don't you?"
I nuzzled Lily and said, "Yep, and I always will."
"You want a beer?"
"You bet." I followed her into the kitchen and we both opened a beer. I held mine high and said, "Here's to the most beautiful girl that I ever fell in love with."
We clinked our bottles together, and she laughed. "You're just as corny as ever."
"Yes I am. Wait... did you say corny? I thought you said horny."
"You bastard!" She punched me playfully in the arm. "How was the drive?"
"Mildly boring. How was your day?"
She yawned and set her beer down. "Rough and tough. My partner Cheryl is out of town, so I had to run things alone."
"How's business at the Cafe?"
"I'll open another brew and tell you all about it. Ready for another?"
I gulped down the rest of my beer and belched. "Now I am."
"You are still a nut." We adjourned to the Den, and kept on drinking as we strolled down memory lane together. We talked about our first kiss, where I was scared to death and she finally had to grab me and plant one on my lips just to save time. And the field trip we took to the State Capitol in High school when I tried to make a U-turn on the highway going 55mph and ended up doing a 180. She remembered nearly peeing her pants. And she asked about my Mom, so I told her about the accident and the pain I felt after the funeral over unresolved issues.
After a few hours and a lot of beers, we were both feeling buzzed. I laughed and said, "Do you remember the gift you gave me on my 20th birthday?"
"You mean when I drove 300 miles to steal your virginity?"
"That's the one."
"I rocked your world. Admit it, go ahead, admit it."
"You did, I admit it freely. Can I... would you mind if I asked you
for some insight?"
"Step into my office, lay down. Don't worry, I haven't lost a patient yet."
I laid down across the couch I was sitting on. "OK, Dr. Karen, I feel alone all
the time and need somebody to hold and to love."
"If you want to be showered with love and told how wonderful you are, forget it."
"But I--"
"Shut up, I'm analyzing. You care about people, often too much for your own
good. You try to help people, but often get taken advantage of. And somehow,
nutty folks and crazy situations always seem to find you. I read your Blogs,
I know what I'm talking about here." She got up and walked over to me, sat down on my lap and kissed my forehead. "You're a good soul, Bill." She cradled my face in her hands. "I'm just glad you're here. I wish Cheryl were here, she wanted to meet you."
"Cheryl, that's your partner at the Cafe, right?"
"Right, and my roommate and my lover."
"Oh... Oh! So... now wait, are you saying--"
"I'm gay, Bill."
I was completely flustered. "Oh, yeah, well sure you are. I mean... How's that working out for you?"
"Well, I like it fine, and Cheryl seems to dig it, too."
"I'm sure, of course, I mean why wouldn't she?"
"Are you OK, Bill?"
"Fine, fine, just great. No problem at all."
"What's bothering you?"
"We had sex. It was the best I've ever had."
"I was there, I remember."
"So, did I somehow turn you gay?"
She burst out with laughter. "Honey, it's not always about you. When we were
together, I was in love with you. You were my first and only man. And it was
very special to me."
"Me too. How did I not know this, I feel so stupid."
"How come?"
"I've been thinking about you all these years, then I come here and
fall in love with you all over again. And you're taken."
"I still love you very much. I just took a different path."
"I guess I hoped we'd have the chance to reunite someday."
"We have, right here, tonight. Just not under the sheets. Is that
what you were hoping for?" she asked with a smile.
"No," I answered, a bit embarrassed.
She began poking me playfully. "Is that what you wanted? To wrestle under the
sheets with me?"
"No... Maybe."
She giggled and shook her head. "You're still the same sweet guy I fell for all those years ago. Come on, time for bed." She took me to the guest room, then kissed me on the cheek and said she would see me in the morning.
I laid in bed for an hour, unable to go to sleep. My mind was busy processing all of this new and unexpected information. My heart was tugging at me, because all of my feelings for Karen had resurfaced, and yet... I couldn't help feeling alone, it had been over five years since I had felt the touch of a woman. Sex is great, but I would settle for just someone to hold.
In the darkened room, I heard something moving towards me. "Hello? Is someone there?"
"No," answered Karen.
"OK, Mysterious Voice, I just thought I heard a noise."
"Pay no attention, I'm just sleepwalking." She climbed onto the bed beside me. "Pay no attention at all. This is just a dream. We can cuddle, but no hanky panky. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll forget all about this, like it never happened." I put my arms around her and held her close to me, and was filled with a warm feeling of love and security like I hadn't felt in forever. It was wonderful.
The next day, I seemed to have a vague memory of it all as I drove the Pontiac to deliver it. With a huge grin on my face,I suddenly found myself bursting into song. "Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee a, my oh my, my ex-girlfriend is gay!"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Andy The Paranoid Driver
A few weeks back, I was in Charlotte, NC after dropping a car off and was trying to plan my next move. My boss Riff called my cell phone to tell me that he had a car for me to pick up in Columbia, SC. "You'll get a Dodge Caravan and drive it to Ogden, Utah. Think you can handle that, precious?"
"Yes, Riff. Do I have to take the Greyhound to Columbia?" If I haven't mentioned it before, I really hate riding Greyhound. Lots of bad experiences.
"No, you delicate little marshmallow. Another one of my drivers is passing through Charlotte on his way to Savannah. He said he'd pick you up and give you a ride."
"That's great, thanks."
"Don't gush over it, jeez! His name is Andy, and he is a real man. You could learn a thing or two from him. I gave him your cell phone number, so he should be getting in touch with you soon. Don't mess this one up." Riff abruptly hung up.
Five minutes later, my cell phone rang again. "This is Bill."
The voice on the other end of the phone asked "Who is this?"
"Bill."
"Bill who?"
"Bill Thomas."
"Am I supposed to know you? Why are you calling me?"
"Is this Andy?"
"What? What did you call me? How in the hell did you know
my name. This is too weird."
"Riff told me that you were going to call me."
"Did I call you? What did you say your name was?"
"Bill."
"Tell me where you are so I can pick you up, I'm in a
damn hurry." So I gave him the address at the Cafe where
I was sitting, and he said he'd be there soon.
Ten minutes went by, and my cell phone rang again. "This is Bill."
"Who am I speaking to?" asked Andy.
"Andy, it's me, Bill. Are you here yet?"
"Where is here?"
"The Cafe."
"That's really odd, because I just parked in front of a
little Cafe. How did you know that?"
I grabbed my bag and walked outside. Andy was sitting in a
white cargo van, and I climbed in. My nasal passages were assaulted
by the stench of powerful B.O., and I could see that Andy and his
clothes were filthy. "Hi, I'm Bill Thomas." I reached out my hand
to shake.
"Get in, get in, we gotta go." He was looking all around him
nervously. As soon as I closed the door, he stepped hard on the
gas and we were flying down the road. "What's your name?"
"Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."
"OK, OK, fair enough. I guess I can give you a ride down
to Columbia. But listen close, this is my van and it's my
rules. You step out of line, you say one thing I don't like, and
I will kick your ass right out on the side of the highway. Are
we clear?"
"You bet."
"Bet? Well, I gamble occasionally, but that is a personal
matter and I don't want to discuss it. You know what your
problem is, Bill?"
"What's that?"
"You're a pussy. You probably let Riff push you around and
tell you what to do. Dammit, you gotta stand up to the man.
You need to go into his office, slam your fist down on the desk,
and tell him that he better give you all the best runs, or else."
"Or else what?"
"See there, you just made my point."
"I've never been to Riff's office."
"Liar! You are a damn liar. I hate liars."
"No, seriously. Never been to the office, never met
Riff. To me, he is just a voice on the phone."
"You know what, Bill? I think you are just stupid
enough that I can believe what you're saying is true.
Wait, what was that?" Andy's head jerked around as he
looked up and down, side to side for some unseen object.
"Did you hear that?"
"I don't think so."
"You need to be alert when you drive. That is why I
take pills all day long." Andy pulled a prescription bottle
out of his pocket and poured several pills into his mouth.
"Better than vitamins, and they will keep you going, and I
don't mean maybe. Do you follow me so far, Bill?"
"Uh-huh."
"Let me ask you something... do you shower and change
clothes everyday?"
"Yes, of course."
"I knew it! I could tell you were one of those kind of
people. Big mistake, you are losing money. Me, I wear the
same clothes for a week at a time, and shower once every
other week."
"Seriously?"
"Don't you doubt me and don't you judge! Damn you! I sleep,
eat and pee in the vehicle I'm driving, and it keeps me
moving down the road. Unlike you. You know what your other
problem is?"
"Tell me."
"You don't demand what you want. You've got to go
into Riff's office and tell him to give you the best
runs. And then kick his dog right in the ribs."
"What?"
"Riff has a dog in his office, but a dog doesn't
belong in an office, the dog should be at home in the
yard. What the hell, right? Wait, did you just see
that flash of blue?"
"Flash of --"
"Hey! I just realized something. If you demand that
you get all the best runs, you are taking work from me.
That's money out of my pocket. You are taking bread from
my table, and I won't put up with that. We are gonna have
a big problem if you're stealing work from me. How long has
this been going on? Do you love Neil Diamond as much as I do?"
Andy stopped talking and began to hum, quietly entering his
own little world. He didn't speak to me, or even seem to
notice me, until we passed the sign that said COLUMBIA CITY
LIMITS.
"We're here," I said cheerfully.
Andy jumped in his seat, very surprised to see me. "Where did
you come from? Who are you?"
"Andy, it's me, Bill."
"Bill? Bill who? What are you up to?" Andy swerved over to
the shoulder of the highway and slammed on the brakes. If my
seat belt weren't fastened, I would have flown through the windshield.
"Get out of my van right now, you son of a bitch."
"Why?"
"Don't make me hurt you. I don't like hitchhikers, especially
not ones who get into your van without being invited. Now hit
the bricks, hippie."
I grabbed my bag and started to climb out, and Andy hit the gas
before both my feet were on the pavement. Now I had to make my
way on foot into the city and find a local bus to get me to my
destination. It had been an interesting ride.
"Yes, Riff. Do I have to take the Greyhound to Columbia?" If I haven't mentioned it before, I really hate riding Greyhound. Lots of bad experiences.
"No, you delicate little marshmallow. Another one of my drivers is passing through Charlotte on his way to Savannah. He said he'd pick you up and give you a ride."
"That's great, thanks."
"Don't gush over it, jeez! His name is Andy, and he is a real man. You could learn a thing or two from him. I gave him your cell phone number, so he should be getting in touch with you soon. Don't mess this one up." Riff abruptly hung up.
Five minutes later, my cell phone rang again. "This is Bill."
The voice on the other end of the phone asked "Who is this?"
"Bill."
"Bill who?"
"Bill Thomas."
"Am I supposed to know you? Why are you calling me?"
"Is this Andy?"
"What? What did you call me? How in the hell did you know
my name. This is too weird."
"Riff told me that you were going to call me."
"Did I call you? What did you say your name was?"
"Bill."
"Tell me where you are so I can pick you up, I'm in a
damn hurry." So I gave him the address at the Cafe where
I was sitting, and he said he'd be there soon.
Ten minutes went by, and my cell phone rang again. "This is Bill."
"Who am I speaking to?" asked Andy.
"Andy, it's me, Bill. Are you here yet?"
"Where is here?"
"The Cafe."
"That's really odd, because I just parked in front of a
little Cafe. How did you know that?"
I grabbed my bag and walked outside. Andy was sitting in a
white cargo van, and I climbed in. My nasal passages were assaulted
by the stench of powerful B.O., and I could see that Andy and his
clothes were filthy. "Hi, I'm Bill Thomas." I reached out my hand
to shake.
"Get in, get in, we gotta go." He was looking all around him
nervously. As soon as I closed the door, he stepped hard on the
gas and we were flying down the road. "What's your name?"
"Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."
"OK, OK, fair enough. I guess I can give you a ride down
to Columbia. But listen close, this is my van and it's my
rules. You step out of line, you say one thing I don't like, and
I will kick your ass right out on the side of the highway. Are
we clear?"
"You bet."
"Bet? Well, I gamble occasionally, but that is a personal
matter and I don't want to discuss it. You know what your
problem is, Bill?"
"What's that?"
"You're a pussy. You probably let Riff push you around and
tell you what to do. Dammit, you gotta stand up to the man.
You need to go into his office, slam your fist down on the desk,
and tell him that he better give you all the best runs, or else."
"Or else what?"
"See there, you just made my point."
"I've never been to Riff's office."
"Liar! You are a damn liar. I hate liars."
"No, seriously. Never been to the office, never met
Riff. To me, he is just a voice on the phone."
"You know what, Bill? I think you are just stupid
enough that I can believe what you're saying is true.
Wait, what was that?" Andy's head jerked around as he
looked up and down, side to side for some unseen object.
"Did you hear that?"
"I don't think so."
"You need to be alert when you drive. That is why I
take pills all day long." Andy pulled a prescription bottle
out of his pocket and poured several pills into his mouth.
"Better than vitamins, and they will keep you going, and I
don't mean maybe. Do you follow me so far, Bill?"
"Uh-huh."
"Let me ask you something... do you shower and change
clothes everyday?"
"Yes, of course."
"I knew it! I could tell you were one of those kind of
people. Big mistake, you are losing money. Me, I wear the
same clothes for a week at a time, and shower once every
other week."
"Seriously?"
"Don't you doubt me and don't you judge! Damn you! I sleep,
eat and pee in the vehicle I'm driving, and it keeps me
moving down the road. Unlike you. You know what your other
problem is?"
"Tell me."
"You don't demand what you want. You've got to go
into Riff's office and tell him to give you the best
runs. And then kick his dog right in the ribs."
"What?"
"Riff has a dog in his office, but a dog doesn't
belong in an office, the dog should be at home in the
yard. What the hell, right? Wait, did you just see
that flash of blue?"
"Flash of --"
"Hey! I just realized something. If you demand that
you get all the best runs, you are taking work from me.
That's money out of my pocket. You are taking bread from
my table, and I won't put up with that. We are gonna have
a big problem if you're stealing work from me. How long has
this been going on? Do you love Neil Diamond as much as I do?"
Andy stopped talking and began to hum, quietly entering his
own little world. He didn't speak to me, or even seem to
notice me, until we passed the sign that said COLUMBIA CITY
LIMITS.
"We're here," I said cheerfully.
Andy jumped in his seat, very surprised to see me. "Where did
you come from? Who are you?"
"Andy, it's me, Bill."
"Bill? Bill who? What are you up to?" Andy swerved over to
the shoulder of the highway and slammed on the brakes. If my
seat belt weren't fastened, I would have flown through the windshield.
"Get out of my van right now, you son of a bitch."
"Why?"
"Don't make me hurt you. I don't like hitchhikers, especially
not ones who get into your van without being invited. Now hit
the bricks, hippie."
I grabbed my bag and started to climb out, and Andy hit the gas
before both my feet were on the pavement. Now I had to make my
way on foot into the city and find a local bus to get me to my
destination. It had been an interesting ride.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I REALLY LOVE DOGS
I was driving a beautiful brand new pickup truck through the Texas hill country one year ago to the day. My cell phone rang, and I heard the familiar voice of Mrs. Sherman, an elderly woman whose car I've driven to Bonita Springs, FL several times.
"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman."
"Hi, Mrs. Sherman, what can I do for you?"
"I am the lady whose car you drove to Bonita Springs." She's charmingly forgetful.
"Yes, I know."
"You picked me up at the Ft. Myers airport and drove me home.
And then you unpacked my car and brought all of my stuff into my
condo. And then you turned down my tip. Remember?"
"Yes ma'am, I remember you well."
"Bill, I'm sitting here in my home enjoying a hot fudge sundae,
and I suddenly thought of you. Do you like ice cream?"
"Uh, yes I do."
"With hot fudge on top? And nuts and whipped cream?"
"Yes, sounds delicious."
"Oh, oh, and a cherry on top. Mustn't forget the cherry."
"Sounds great, you enjoy it."
"Wait, wait, Bill, I need to ask you a question."
"OK, what's that?"
"Will you please drive my car again? I like you very much."
"Sure, when you need it moved, just call my boss Riff and he
will arrange it."
"But I want you to drive, not another driver."
"No problem -- hey, I gotta go!" I hung up quickly because the car in front of
me suddenly swerved, and I saw something lying in the road. I pulled off onto the grass on the side of this narrow highway and jumped out of the truck. There was a beautiful black lab lying there in the middle of the road, bloody and whimpering. "Hey boy, how ya doing? Oh, man! We need to get you some help." I slowly petted him and let him sniff my hand. "Sorry boy, this may hurt a bit." As gently as I possibly could, I lifted him and carried him to the truck. He whined a bit, but I felt it was worth it to try to save him.
I checked my map and could see that the closest town was thirty miles behind me.
So I turned the truck around and floored it, speeding my way to Llano. It was clear that I had found this dog just short of too late. Who knows how many other cars had just driven past this poor pooch, but I couldn't do that. I truly believe that dog's are in fact man's best friend. The dog licked my arm, and my heart filled with love for him. "Mind if I call you Paulie? You remind me of a Paulie. Don't you worry, we're gonna get you fixed up. Just hang in there." I gently petted his head.
When I got to Llano, I found the only Vet's office in town. Dr. Branson's name was on the sign out front, and I jumped out of the truck and ran to the front door. As I banged on the locked door, I noticed the sign that said, THE FISH ARE BITING AND I'M GONE. Great. Just great. I had a dying dog in my truck, and the only animal Doctor was out of the office. I went to a local market and asked if anyone knew where the Doc might go fishing. The manager gave me directions to Dr. Branson's favorite fishing hole, and I was off.
I went where I had been sent and looked hard. I searched high and low for the Doc, but luck was not with me. My cell phone rang, and my boss Riff began barking at me immediately. "Just where in the hell are you?"
"Busy right now, Riff."
"You'd best be on your way to Van Horn to drop off that truck. It's due there
this afternoon."
"I'm dealing with an emergency right now, but I'll get the truck there as soon as I can."
"What do you mean as soon as you can? Get it there, and it better be clean."
I looked at the blood on the passenger seat, which was now dripping onto the floor. "I have to go, Riff." I hung up the cell phone, and it rang again almost immediately. "This is Bill."
"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman. I'm eating an ice cream sundae, and I was just thinking of you."
"Sorry Mrs. Sherman, I have to talk to you later." I hung up, and then saw a sign posted in front of a ranch that made my heart leap. LOVE A DOG ADOPTIONS - DOG CARE, DOG EMERGENCIES, FIND A DOG A HOME. I made a U-turn and found my way back to the driveway. Several miles down a bumpy trail I came out of the woods and into a huge clearing where a Warehouse sat. I honked the horn furiously as ten dogs came running out, barking madly. Jenny Forrest came running out, and I opened the passenger door. "Can you help my dog? Please?"
Jenny was all business. "We need to get him inside."
"Let's go." We both carried Paulie inside, and Jenny got to work. I stayed right by Paulie's side, and answered all of Jenny's questions. I told her how I had found Paulie, and my search for Dr. Branson, then how I had stumbled onto her place.
"You didn't stumble onto my place. This was God's work. Fate brought you to my door. We're gonna be friends forever."
And she was right. Paulie is just fine now, and loves to chase tennis balls as often as you will throw them for him. Later that same day, I met Jenny's husband Tom, who is the best mechanic in the state of Texas, and a good man to share a beer or two with. They are good and kind folks, salt of the earth, and they have made me feel like a part of their family. Anytime that I'm passing anywhere near them, I will stop at the ranch. Jenny can have up to 30 dogs at any given time, and she is really good at finding homes for them.
I call her my big sister. She calls me Bill-doggie. We love each other's company, we laugh and talk and share secrets with each other. She is one heck of a cook, and I can always plan on eating good when I'm there. Tom will take me out for rides in his boat on a nearby lake.
Most important, we both love dogs. We agree that you can always count on a dog for unconditional love.
"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman."
"Hi, Mrs. Sherman, what can I do for you?"
"I am the lady whose car you drove to Bonita Springs." She's charmingly forgetful.
"Yes, I know."
"You picked me up at the Ft. Myers airport and drove me home.
And then you unpacked my car and brought all of my stuff into my
condo. And then you turned down my tip. Remember?"
"Yes ma'am, I remember you well."
"Bill, I'm sitting here in my home enjoying a hot fudge sundae,
and I suddenly thought of you. Do you like ice cream?"
"Uh, yes I do."
"With hot fudge on top? And nuts and whipped cream?"
"Yes, sounds delicious."
"Oh, oh, and a cherry on top. Mustn't forget the cherry."
"Sounds great, you enjoy it."
"Wait, wait, Bill, I need to ask you a question."
"OK, what's that?"
"Will you please drive my car again? I like you very much."
"Sure, when you need it moved, just call my boss Riff and he
will arrange it."
"But I want you to drive, not another driver."
"No problem -- hey, I gotta go!" I hung up quickly because the car in front of
me suddenly swerved, and I saw something lying in the road. I pulled off onto the grass on the side of this narrow highway and jumped out of the truck. There was a beautiful black lab lying there in the middle of the road, bloody and whimpering. "Hey boy, how ya doing? Oh, man! We need to get you some help." I slowly petted him and let him sniff my hand. "Sorry boy, this may hurt a bit." As gently as I possibly could, I lifted him and carried him to the truck. He whined a bit, but I felt it was worth it to try to save him.
I checked my map and could see that the closest town was thirty miles behind me.
So I turned the truck around and floored it, speeding my way to Llano. It was clear that I had found this dog just short of too late. Who knows how many other cars had just driven past this poor pooch, but I couldn't do that. I truly believe that dog's are in fact man's best friend. The dog licked my arm, and my heart filled with love for him. "Mind if I call you Paulie? You remind me of a Paulie. Don't you worry, we're gonna get you fixed up. Just hang in there." I gently petted his head.
When I got to Llano, I found the only Vet's office in town. Dr. Branson's name was on the sign out front, and I jumped out of the truck and ran to the front door. As I banged on the locked door, I noticed the sign that said, THE FISH ARE BITING AND I'M GONE. Great. Just great. I had a dying dog in my truck, and the only animal Doctor was out of the office. I went to a local market and asked if anyone knew where the Doc might go fishing. The manager gave me directions to Dr. Branson's favorite fishing hole, and I was off.
I went where I had been sent and looked hard. I searched high and low for the Doc, but luck was not with me. My cell phone rang, and my boss Riff began barking at me immediately. "Just where in the hell are you?"
"Busy right now, Riff."
"You'd best be on your way to Van Horn to drop off that truck. It's due there
this afternoon."
"I'm dealing with an emergency right now, but I'll get the truck there as soon as I can."
"What do you mean as soon as you can? Get it there, and it better be clean."
I looked at the blood on the passenger seat, which was now dripping onto the floor. "I have to go, Riff." I hung up the cell phone, and it rang again almost immediately. "This is Bill."
"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman. I'm eating an ice cream sundae, and I was just thinking of you."
"Sorry Mrs. Sherman, I have to talk to you later." I hung up, and then saw a sign posted in front of a ranch that made my heart leap. LOVE A DOG ADOPTIONS - DOG CARE, DOG EMERGENCIES, FIND A DOG A HOME. I made a U-turn and found my way back to the driveway. Several miles down a bumpy trail I came out of the woods and into a huge clearing where a Warehouse sat. I honked the horn furiously as ten dogs came running out, barking madly. Jenny Forrest came running out, and I opened the passenger door. "Can you help my dog? Please?"
Jenny was all business. "We need to get him inside."
"Let's go." We both carried Paulie inside, and Jenny got to work. I stayed right by Paulie's side, and answered all of Jenny's questions. I told her how I had found Paulie, and my search for Dr. Branson, then how I had stumbled onto her place.
"You didn't stumble onto my place. This was God's work. Fate brought you to my door. We're gonna be friends forever."
And she was right. Paulie is just fine now, and loves to chase tennis balls as often as you will throw them for him. Later that same day, I met Jenny's husband Tom, who is the best mechanic in the state of Texas, and a good man to share a beer or two with. They are good and kind folks, salt of the earth, and they have made me feel like a part of their family. Anytime that I'm passing anywhere near them, I will stop at the ranch. Jenny can have up to 30 dogs at any given time, and she is really good at finding homes for them.
I call her my big sister. She calls me Bill-doggie. We love each other's company, we laugh and talk and share secrets with each other. She is one heck of a cook, and I can always plan on eating good when I'm there. Tom will take me out for rides in his boat on a nearby lake.
Most important, we both love dogs. We agree that you can always count on a dog for unconditional love.
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