PLEASE PASS THE GRAVY

After dropping off a Ford Flex near San Antonio, I got a call from my anything but cordial boss Riff.  :"What's going on, loser?"

"Happy Thanksgiving to you, Riff."

"What did you just call me?"

"Nothing, I was wishing you a happy turkey day."

"Well it ain't today."

"No, it's tomorrow, I'm a day early."

"Can you just shut up and listen to me?" he growled.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"It's the customer who needs you to pick up a car in Las Cruces, New Mexico then drive it to Malibu beach."

"Oh, California."

"No, Malibu in Japan!  Got another driver headed to Phoenix, he's gonna stop and pick you up then drop you in Las Cruces."

"Who is the driver?" I asked.

"Andy, my most reliable driver."  I had engaged with Andy in the past and he was anything but reliable.  He was a paranoid pill-popping maniac who refused to shower as long as he was on the road.

"Oh please not Andy."

"You should follow his example, he's an excellent driver.  I gave him your drop off address, he should be there soon."  I heard a horn honking and turned to see a car coming fast directly towards me.  It jumped the curb and I dove over a hedge to avoid getting hit.

"I'm looking for Bill," I heard a voice say.

I rose up to look over the hedge and saw Andy in a late model Ford Thunderbird.  "It's me, I'm Bill.  You know me, Andy."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
"Well I don't know you, but you'd better hop in the train is leaving for New Mexico.  Get in the back seat, the front seats are my office."  I was happy to oblige, so I got in with my backpack and before I could close the door behind me he burned rubber taking off.

I could smell his rancid body odor permeated the car's interior.  "Ya know, Interstate 10 is a breeze from San Antonio to El Paso.  It's so remote that the speed limit is 85mph."

Andy stared at me in the rear view mirror.  "Are you a new driver?"

This surprised me.  "Andy, it's me, Bill Thomas."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"  He lit a cigarette.

"We have worked together four times.  Uh, I don't think we're supposed to smoke in client's cars."

Andy turned his head and shot me a warning glance.  "I don't know you, pal, but I need to smoke when I'm taking speed.  They just go hand in hand."

"You're taking speed?"

"None of your damn business."  Andy pulled onto Interstate 10 and put the gas pedal to the floor.  "You know why I get all the best delivery runs?  Because I don't stop to sleep or shower.  It's a big waste of time.  You look like the kind of pansy who showers every day."

"I do."

Andy cackled.  "Sucker!  Hey I just realized that its Thanksgiving tomorrow, and I sure do like gravy all over everything.   My Aunt Bessie made the best biscuits and gravy, bet you didn't know that."

"I did know that because you've told me before several times."

"Don't believe we've ever met."

I scooted over to the left side of the back seat and leaned my head against the window.  Andy kept on talking, but I was so tired I went right to sleep.  I must have slept for several hours.

I woke up very groggy and looked out my window.  There was a car next to us, and the passengers were screaming and pointing frantically.  Feeling disoriented, I looked to the front and saw that Andy had moved to the passenger seat and was napping.  No one was in the driver's seat.

Wait, what??

I understood immediately why the car next to us was full of people waving at us and shouting.  I slid over in my seat to the right and could see that Andy's left hand was discreetly on the bottom of the steering wheel, and his left leg straddled over the center console and his foot rested near the brake pedal.

"Andy!" I yelled.

"Shh!"  He replied.  "I'm playing possum."

"But why?"

"Shh, you're gonna blow it."  I looked over at the car on our left, and the look of desperation on the faces of those in the car.  Without warning, Andy suddenly veered to the right onto an exit ramp and left the car full of worried people behind.  He pulled into a big truck stop, and got out of the car laughing.

I was furious as I climbed out of the car and grabbed my backpack.  "You think this is funny?"

"You have to admit, that was hilarious."  He lit another cigarette.

"Are you nuts?"  That's wasn't funny at all!"

"Did you see the look on those faces?  That was dope!"

"They were terrified."

Andy wheezed as he laughed.  "I just love screwing with people.  Don't you?"

"No sir," I said, taking my backpack and heading inside.

"Where are you going, fat boy?"

"Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving, hope you live to see it."

"Don't be mad, you should be shaking while you laugh like a bowl full of jelly."

"I will find another ride to Las Cruces."

Once inside, I discovered that the Greyhound bus would stop here in 8 hours and take me where I was going.  I hated to wait and I hate riding Greyhound, but anything was a better alternative than riding with a lunatic.

On Thanksgiving this year, I am thankful that I did not die in the car.with Andy.  I said a prayer that he would be safe, but also prayed for all the potential victims that shared the highway with crazy Andy.