THE MAGIC CHRISTMAS TREE

Christmas Eve found me in Dallas, Texas this year, home of the Dallas Cowboys.  The friends I have in Dallas were out of town for the holidays so I got a motel room to stay in after I delivered the 2018 Chevy Malibu.

The drop off address was less than two miles from the motel, so I decided to walk back after the customer signed off on his new car.  It was a brisk and chilly night but it felt good to me.  Got my blood pumping.

I turned a corner and saw a large group of people all staring at something that was just out of my sight.  As I got closer my view became unobscured and I could see a tall Christmas tree floating out on a small lake.  The tree was decked out in lights and ornaments, and seeing it filled my heart with Christmas spirit.  It's the same sensation I get each time I watch IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

"Hey," I heard a voice say to me.  I looked down and saw a short boy looking up at me.  "Isn't it cool?"

"What?"

"The tree, what else?"

"Oh yes, very cool."

"My name is Joey, I'm ten years old and I believe in Santa Claus no matter what the other kids say."

"Good for you.  Keep on believing."

"I will.  Who are you?"

"Bill Thomas, nice to meet you."

"And how old are you, Bill?"  Joey was plenty precocious.

"I'd rather not say, I just met you."

"Come on Bill, don't be shy."

"OK, I am 39."  I actually stopped counting birthdays once I hit 39, just like Jack Benny.

"And do you believe in Santa?"

"I do."

"And do you believe that God's son Jesus was born in a manger?"

"I certainly do."

Joey pointed at the tree.  "See how the tree just hovers over the water?  We don't ask how or why."

"I think it's floating on a raft."

He shook his head.  "No, no, we don't ask how or why.  We just accept."

I nodded.  "Sure."

"I believe in the spirit of Christmas and Santa Claus.  I also believe Jesus was born and came to save us all.  And I believe that magical tree is hovering over the water."

Who was I to argue with a ten year old.  "Keep your faith, it will serve you well."

"Kind of like the Force?"

"What?"

"There's a movie called STAR WARS, and the Force is --"

I cut in.  "I know STAR WARS."

"The Force and faith are not that different."

"You make a good point.  Faith is good," I agreed.

"You're a nice man, Bill.  I hope good things happen for you.  I have faith that they will."

Odd people and kids seem to be drawn to me.  But I feel uneasy talking to a young person I don't know if his parents are not present.  "Where are your mom and dad, Joey?"

"Oh, I don't have any parents.  I'm an orphan."

"Joey!" I heard a woman's voice booming.  She was a large lady who seemed to have no trouble at all plowing through the crowd of people until she reached us.  "Joey, you just can't run off like that.  You have to stay near Mommy."

Joey looked at me as if something had dawned on him.  "Actually, I do have parents."

I smiled.  "I can see that."

Joey's mom looked at me  "What's my boy been telling you?  That he's an orphan?"

"Well, I--"

She didn't wait for me to finish.  "Joey, why do you tell that lie to strangers?"

"I'm incorrigible."

She grabbed his arm to pull him along with her as she mumbled under her breath.  Then she spoke up.  "It's Christmas, boy, what's wrong with you?"

Joey looked at me and pointed to the lake.  "Remember the tree," he called out to me.  "And faith and the Force."

I watched him as they disappeared into the crowd.  I was touched and full of good spirits and good will.  I'm certain that I will never forget Joey and that magic Christmas tree.  Merry Christmas, and may the Force be with you.

IMPEACH TRUMP FOR CHRISTMAS?

After a particularly difficult delivery in Virginia, I rented a car and headed for South Carolina to pick up my next car.  I pulled off at a truck stop in Emporia, and just wanted some quiet time and to collect my thoughts.  I have delivered cars all over the USA, but the holiday season brings huge traffic jams that I have to navigate with no pleasure.

While I was pumping gas into my rental car, I heard a voice say to me  "What did you think of the hearings?"

"Excuse me?"  I looked around to the other side of the pump, and a tall, skinny man was putting gas into his pickup truck.

"The Trump hearings.  You think they'll impeach?  Wait now, where are my manners?  My name is Jed, what's yours?"

"Bill Thomas," I said with a smile.

"I like your smile, Bill Thomas, it almost looks sincere."

"It is."

"You know who's not sincere?  Those crazy guys and gals in Congress.  What in heck do they think they are doing?  You don't mess with the President.  And those Republicans are really after Trump, the Democrats keep on trying to defend him."

I decided not to correct him.  "I don't like talking politics."

"Oh you don't, do you?  Well you had better start paying attention bud, because a new civil war can't be far behind."

"Far behind what?"

"Exactly.  Why do they hate the President so much?"

"Who is they?" I asked.

"The ones who hate the President. Pull your head up out of the sand.  Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes."

"I don't think you are.  Do you know that the root word of impeachment is peach?  How could something so ripe and delicious and juicy also be so evil?"

"An evil peach?"

"No, an evil faction trying to bring down our President."

I shrugged.  "I guess a lot of people don't like him."

"Well that's just too bad, he is the President and that's that.  He is honest and sincere and compassionate. Congress is on a witch hunt trying to bring him down just cuz."

"Just cuz why?"

"Just cuz cuz.  There is no reason for it, no quid pro quo, no read my lips.  But you don't seem to care."

"I do care."

"Then stop your silence and speak your opinion.  Free speech is a promise to you from the Declaration of Independence, and my motto is give me liberty or give me a gun."

I finished filling up with gas, and hung the nozzle back onto the pump.  "I guess you have to stand up for whoever you voted for."

"What's that supposed to mean?"  Jed seemed pretty upset with me all of the sudden.

"You are clearly a Trump supporter, so you--"

"Trump?  Are you kidding me?  I voted for Bernie Sanders.  Free school for everyone forever!"

I climbed into my car and left without saying goodbye.  Politics make strange bedfellows, and inspire strange people at a gas pump at a truck stop.

PLEASE PASS THE GRAVY

After dropping off a Ford Flex near San Antonio, I got a call from my anything but cordial boss Riff.  :"What's going on, loser?"

"Happy Thanksgiving to you, Riff."

"What did you just call me?"

"Nothing, I was wishing you a happy turkey day."

"Well it ain't today."

"No, it's tomorrow, I'm a day early."

"Can you just shut up and listen to me?" he growled.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"It's the customer who needs you to pick up a car in Las Cruces, New Mexico then drive it to Malibu beach."

"Oh, California."

"No, Malibu in Japan!  Got another driver headed to Phoenix, he's gonna stop and pick you up then drop you in Las Cruces."

"Who is the driver?" I asked.

"Andy, my most reliable driver."  I had engaged with Andy in the past and he was anything but reliable.  He was a paranoid pill-popping maniac who refused to shower as long as he was on the road.

"Oh please not Andy."

"You should follow his example, he's an excellent driver.  I gave him your drop off address, he should be there soon."  I heard a horn honking and turned to see a car coming fast directly towards me.  It jumped the curb and I dove over a hedge to avoid getting hit.

"I'm looking for Bill," I heard a voice say.

I rose up to look over the hedge and saw Andy in a late model Ford Thunderbird.  "It's me, I'm Bill.  You know me, Andy."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
"Well I don't know you, but you'd better hop in the train is leaving for New Mexico.  Get in the back seat, the front seats are my office."  I was happy to oblige, so I got in with my backpack and before I could close the door behind me he burned rubber taking off.

I could smell his rancid body odor permeated the car's interior.  "Ya know, Interstate 10 is a breeze from San Antonio to El Paso.  It's so remote that the speed limit is 85mph."

Andy stared at me in the rear view mirror.  "Are you a new driver?"

This surprised me.  "Andy, it's me, Bill Thomas."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"  He lit a cigarette.

"We have worked together four times.  Uh, I don't think we're supposed to smoke in client's cars."

Andy turned his head and shot me a warning glance.  "I don't know you, pal, but I need to smoke when I'm taking speed.  They just go hand in hand."

"You're taking speed?"

"None of your damn business."  Andy pulled onto Interstate 10 and put the gas pedal to the floor.  "You know why I get all the best delivery runs?  Because I don't stop to sleep or shower.  It's a big waste of time.  You look like the kind of pansy who showers every day."

"I do."

Andy cackled.  "Sucker!  Hey I just realized that its Thanksgiving tomorrow, and I sure do like gravy all over everything.   My Aunt Bessie made the best biscuits and gravy, bet you didn't know that."

"I did know that because you've told me before several times."

"Don't believe we've ever met."

I scooted over to the left side of the back seat and leaned my head against the window.  Andy kept on talking, but I was so tired I went right to sleep.  I must have slept for several hours.

I woke up very groggy and looked out my window.  There was a car next to us, and the passengers were screaming and pointing frantically.  Feeling disoriented, I looked to the front and saw that Andy had moved to the passenger seat and was napping.  No one was in the driver's seat.

Wait, what??

I understood immediately why the car next to us was full of people waving at us and shouting.  I slid over in my seat to the right and could see that Andy's left hand was discreetly on the bottom of the steering wheel, and his left leg straddled over the center console and his foot rested near the brake pedal.

"Andy!" I yelled.

"Shh!"  He replied.  "I'm playing possum."

"But why?"

"Shh, you're gonna blow it."  I looked over at the car on our left, and the look of desperation on the faces of those in the car.  Without warning, Andy suddenly veered to the right onto an exit ramp and left the car full of worried people behind.  He pulled into a big truck stop, and got out of the car laughing.

I was furious as I climbed out of the car and grabbed my backpack.  "You think this is funny?"

"You have to admit, that was hilarious."  He lit another cigarette.

"Are you nuts?"  That's wasn't funny at all!"

"Did you see the look on those faces?  That was dope!"

"They were terrified."

Andy wheezed as he laughed.  "I just love screwing with people.  Don't you?"

"No sir," I said, taking my backpack and heading inside.

"Where are you going, fat boy?"

"Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving, hope you live to see it."

"Don't be mad, you should be shaking while you laugh like a bowl full of jelly."

"I will find another ride to Las Cruces."

Once inside, I discovered that the Greyhound bus would stop here in 8 hours and take me where I was going.  I hated to wait and I hate riding Greyhound, but anything was a better alternative than riding with a lunatic.

On Thanksgiving this year, I am thankful that I did not die in the car.with Andy.  I said a prayer that he would be safe, but also prayed for all the potential victims that shared the highway with crazy Andy.