LITTLE SHOP OF PORNO

I was driving, tired and dangerously distracted by my boss Riff yelling in my ear for so long.  "And another thing, pudgeball.  Why don't you ever get me a gift?"

"A gift?"

"What's wrong with a gift?"

"We don't have that kind of friendship.  I've never met you.  What would I get you besides Jack Daniels?"

"Are you insinusinuation that I drink a lot?" he slurred.

"I'm in Georgia on my way to Atlanta, and--"

"Lesbian erotica."

"Beg your pardon?"

"Books with stories about lesbians.  No pictures, just stories, so I can read them with my lunch.  Tell 'em that Riff sent ya."

"I'll call you when I deliver in Atlanta."  I hung up and put in a George Strait CD to listen to.  I had noticed a lot of the newer cars don't have CD players, so I guess my collection will become obsolete.  One half hour later, I felt the pressing need to find a bathroom, and began searching for an exit.  There were none, and I tried to recall on I 75 where the next one would be.  When things became more urget I saw an exit with one large establishment. I pulled off and pulled in, and saw the sign ADAM & STEVE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT.

I quickly jumped out of the car and walked in.  When I stop someplace just to use the restroom, I normally spend a little time looking around to be polite.  Or often buy a little something, though I had no idea what that would be here.  A very short man with a club foot came aggressively toward me.  "Hello hello, welcome to the Adult store, I'm Eddie, short for Edward, some call me Ed, and the ladies' choice is Eduardo."

"Hi, Ed."

"I prefer Eddie.  Now what can I get for you today?"

I saw the restroom in the back corner of this huge warehouse size store, and began to slowly move in that direction.  Eddie was right beside me.  "What city is this?  Just curious."

"We're not really a city here, just a dot on the county map.  In fact, we just opened up this store."

"It's your store?"

"Oh no, no, I just work here.  If it was my store it wouldn't be called Adam and Steve!  Sounds a little too homosexual to me, if you know what I mean."

"There's a chain called Adam and Eve, so maybe this is just a play on that."

"Yep, but I don't like gay play.  Or homo hijinks.  None of that!"

"So you don't sell gay material?"

Eddie shoved his hands deep into his pockets and sighed.  "Yessir, we do, but I don't like to talk about it."  My tummy started to rumble and I knew I needed to get to that restroom real soon.  The phone at the front desk rang, and Eddie began to rush for it.  "You just look around, I'll be back with you in a minute."  I walked quickly to the restroom, went inside, and took care of business.

I came out with a plan.  I was going to buy Riff the book he wanted and mail it to him, just to shock him.  He wouldn't be expecting that.  Or should I be buying porn?  Supporting the smutty industry?  Eddie came running up behind me as I came upon a wall full of magazines.  "Hey Eddie, there you are."

"Here I am, ready to serve."

"I wonder if you have any books about lesbians.  Oh, and I hope that doesn't offend."

"Offend?  Me?  I love lesbians.  I don't like those homo men, I don't trust them to stand behind me.  But lady lesbians, mmmm-mmmm!"

"Great."

"So you want a picture book?"

"No."

"Picture magazine?"

"No, a book, just writing, with a story."

Eddie rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  "No, nothing like that.  But if you like lesbians--

"It's for a friend."

Eddie winked at me.  "Yeah, right, so if your friend likes lesbians, you should get him a couple of these blow up girl dolls.  Then he can make them play and do whatever they want to each other."  Eddie's ears perked up, like a dog hearing a siren in the distance.  "I think I hear the toilet running."  He ran to the restroom and came out pointing a finger at me. shouting, "You used the restroom, didn't you!" It wasn't a question.

"Yes."

"You even admit it!  It is against Georgia state law to use a restroom in a porn establishment."

"I used one at the Lions Den up the road once before.  It was no problem."

"That's another part of Georgia.  Down here its a city ordinance."

"You said this isn't a city."

"County law, its county law!  All I know is you broke the law and I'm calling the cops!"  Eddie ran for the front desk, and I rushed out the door and got in the car.  I hated to seem like a getaway driver from a crime, all I wanted to do was use the restroom.