DADDY, DADDY, DADDY

"I know, Riff, I know, but there is only so much I can do.  I'm only one man."

"A moronic man!" shouted Riff into the phone.  He was yelling at me as I drove to make my next car delivery, and I was growing very weary very fast of his grouchy demeanor.  My boss was not a pleasant man.  "You were supposed to be in Tallahassee to deliver that car two hours ago."

"Yes, but I ran into a huge traffic jam on Interstate 10 when I passed through Louisiana because of Issac."

"Issac?   Who is Issac, your boyfriend?"

"No Riff, Issac is the hurricane that hit Louisiana a few days ago."

"I think you mean tropical storm."

"Whatever you want to call it, people who left their homes are trying to return, and its a huge mess.  Look, I called the man I'm taking the car to, and he was very understanding."

"You're lying."

"No sir, I'm on the level.  Why would I lie?"

"I don't know, why would I screw my own cousin?" he bellowed.

I paused for a few seconds.  "Well I... you got me there, I don't have an answer for that one.  I'll call you once I've delivered."

Just under an hour later, I was pulling off the highway into the outskirts of Tallahassee.  I called the customer, Mr. Duffy, to say I'd be there in a few minutes.  He appreciated the heads up call.

When I pulled into the driveway, he came walking over to me from the front porch.  I got out of the car and introduced myself.  He reached out to shake my hand, which not all customers do.  "Got caught in that traffic in Louisiana, huh?"

"Yes sir" I said.  "I should have tried to go further north around it.

"Well, if you were coming from Dallas, it would have been a lot far north and way out of your way.   Doesn't matter to me if you are a few hours late."

"Thanks for understanding."

Suddenly, a young girl came running down the sidewalk at full speed screaming  "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"  I winced as she ran into Mr. Duffy from behind, with both of her arms extended like a battering ram.  She looked to be about ten years old, but she was beefy.  Her father barely seemed to notice.

"So this is my new car, eh?  It's a beauty."

"Daddy!  Daddy!" she squealed.

"Its very nice," I agreed.

"Daddy!"  She began to beat on his back.  "Daddy!"

He ignored the girl completely and began to let his hand glide down the side contours of the car, as if checking out the areodynamics.  "Nice build, good shape.  I bet she just swims down the road."

"Swims?" I asked.

"Yep. Backstroke I'll wager."

"Daddy!  Daddy!"  The little girl grabbed onto her father's arm as if it were a thick piece of rope and began to hang with her full weight.  "Daddy!"

"Good gas mileage?"  he asked.

"Very good."

"Daddy!"  She began to climb up his arm, hand over hand.

"Please tell me it has a nice stereo?"

"I played my favorite George Strait CD coming across the panhandle of Florida.  Good sound," I assured him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"  She came off his arm, then grabbed his left hand and began to chew furiously on the ends of his fingernails.  Now I've seen many people chew their nails over the years, but never once have I seen anyone chew someone else's.

Mr. Duffy looked at me very seriously.  "Now you did bring me the registration and insurance?"

"Of course, it's all here in the car's glovebox.  Ah, Mr. Duffy, I don't mind waiting if you need to see what your daughter wants."

"Dad-deeeeeeeeeee!"

"Who, her?  I don't care what she wants.  When the kids scream and carry on we ignore them.  That behavior is not how we operate around here."

"Daddy!"

"How many sets of keys do you have for me?" he asked.

"Two, right here."  And as I handed him both sets of keys and remote door locks, the girl turned and ran to the other side of the yard.  Then she turned around and rushed back towards us with both arms stretched out in front of her.  Just like when I arrived, only she was coming much further much faster.
And she was facing her father, and with her height, when she made contact it was in an extremely sensitive area.  Mr. Duffy bent over in pain, as he had been looking away and didn't see her coming.  I saw it, but what was I supposed to do, tackle the girl?

"Now you have my attention," he said to his daughter.  "You know that you never, ever hit Daddy in the jingle bells.  That is a no-no.  Even if the house is on fire, even if the dog is drowning out in the pond, no jingle bells.  Got it?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Now you trot on into the house, we're going to have a conversation about this."

"No, Daddy, no, I don't want to have a talk.  You talk too long."

"Well now, maybe you'll think about that next time you go for the jingle bells."

"But I never, ever will."

"That's right.  Now go wait for me in my study."

The little girl skipped inside like she didn't have a care in the world.  I smiled and said,  "Kids can be so lovable."

Mr. Duffy looked at me with raised eyebrows.  "Do you really believe that?  You must not have kids."

"No, none of my own, but--"

"Neither do I.  That one and her brother are my wife's from a previous marriage.  Frankly, I could do without them.  I never wanted to have kids.  But, it came in the bargain with my wife.  The woman can be a holy terror sometimes, but buddy, that woman can do the polka."

"Polka?"

"The marischino cha-cha."

"Cha-cha?"

He demonstrated the twist.  "You know, the tropicana tango."

"She likes to dance," I concluded.

"In the bedroom.  The horizontal mambo."

"Gotcha."  He signed the paperwork, I gave him a copy, and I was off to catch a city bus.  I assume he had a long talk ahead in his study.

BROWNIES & TEA

I was very excited as I saw the city limit sign that said I had entered San Jose, California.  I had brought this car from Georgia, and all the way across the country I was feeling giddy.  I kept on asking people  "Do you know the way to San Jose?"  Mostly, their reaction was just to stare at me.

But the main reason for my excitement was that I was going to get to stay over at my buddy Giovanni's house with his family.  He goes by "G" for short, and he and I are very close.  But with all the friends I stop off and see as I travel around the USA, he is the one I get to see the least.  In fact, the last time I had come here, he and the Fam were on their way to New York City.  Now I knew they would be home, waiting just for me.

I pulled into the driveway, and his beautiful wife Kim came running out to greet me.  She jumped in the air and I grabbed her for a hug.  "Bill!  I can't believe you're here."

"I can barely believe it myself."

"Listen, G is still at work, and I've got to go get the kids at their Preschool.  Go inside and make yourself totally at home, you know the routine.  I'll be back in a little while."

"OK."

"Sorry, I have to rush."

"No worries, you do what you need to do."  And Kim hopped into her car and left.  So I went into the house, and was immediately wrapped up in warm memories.  I could feel a big smile on my face.  And I could hear my stomach growling, as it was 3pm and I had not eaten all day.  So I followed the enticing aroma I detected into the kitchen.  And there I found a plate full of big brownies.  I was just sure that Kim wouldn't mind, she had just told me to help myself.

As I ate, I concluded that this had to be the best brownie I had ever eaten in my life.  So much so that I soon found myself eating a second brownie.  I am sure that being hungry and then filling up on brownies is not the wisest choice I could have made, but... oh well.  The brownies left my mouth very sticky, and I noticed a cup of hot tea sitting ready on the counter.  So I picked it up and took a few swigs.  Then I blew on it, took a big drink from the cup, and washed it around in my mouth to clear up all those clumps of brownie crumbs.

I walked to the sliding glass doors that led out to the swimming pool.  I stared at the pool.  The more I looked at it, the more I thought that I could not ever remember it being so deeply blue.  Very unusual.  And then I made my way back through the kitchen.  I heard music, and felt suddenly compelled to find the source of the music.  It was maybe the best music I had ever heard in my life.  It started to go very slowly, and I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.  Oddly wonderful.

The next thing I can remember, Kim was standing over me asking what the heck I was doing.  I was crouched down on the floor in her coat closet.  "Bill, what are you doing in there?  I've been looking all over the house for you."

"Who?"

"You."

"Me?  Why?"

"Because I couldn't find you."  She pointed a finger at me.  "Bill, did you eat one of my brownies?"

"No, no.  I had two."

"Two?  Those are heavily infused with high grade pot and hash oil.  All pharmaceutical grade."

"Hash who?"

She headed for the kitchen, and I followed her like a lost puppy.  She picked up the tea cup which had a tiny bit of liquid left in it.  "Did you drink my tea?"

"Yes Mommy, I hope it was OK."

"Bill, that was mushroom tea.  As in magic mushrooms?  G and I got all this stuff to treat you with, we were going to surprise you.  We didn't mean for you to have it so soon, all alone."

"I didn't mean for me, either.  I didn't mean.  I'm not mean.  I'm lean."

Kim laughed.  "You're silly."  There was a knock at the front door, and I quickly bolted for the back bedroom and hid.  I remember trying to climb under one of the kid's beds.  To be honest, I do not have a clear memory of everything that happened over the next few hours.  Kim and G told me a lot of what I'll share here the next day, and showed me footage of me doing some strange things recorded by various Nanny Cams hidden around the house.  You have young kids, you use babysitters, guess you've got to have Nanny Cams these days.

After a little while, Kim came looking for me again.  She was drinking a cup of tea herself, and munching on a brownie.  "You are high as a kite, Bill.  I can't leave you up there all by yourself, I'm coming up to join you."

"Then laugh!" I demanded.

"What?" she asked.

"Laugh.  Just laugh."  I began to sing.  "I love to laugh, loud and long and clear."

Kim smiled and shook her head.  "That's from MARY POPPINS, the kids love that movie."

"Yes!  Yes!  A spoonful of sugar!  MARY POPPINS and Uncle Albert and tea parties on the ceiling."

"OK honey, just calm down, I'll be up there soon."

"Your kids love MARY POPPINS.  Oh no!"

"What's wrong?"

"Your kids can't see me like this.  I think I may bees a little bitsy messed up."

"I think you're a lot messed up.  But that's why I took the kids to stay at my parents house tonight.  So we could all get messed up together."

"But, but, but I don't do this anymore."

"Do what?" asked Kim.

"You know, this?  Wait!  How did you get to Birmingham?  When did you arrive?"

"Bill, sweetie, we're in San Jose."

I began singing again.  "Do you know the way to San Jose!"

Things got even fuzzier in my brain after that.  I recall that I went out and felt that I must jump into the pool.  I guess I let out all of my breath so I could sink to the bottom, and finally Kim had to poke at me with the pool cleaning net to stir me so I'd come to the surface for air.

I kept on asking for more brownies, and Kim told me that I had eaten enough for a while.  The suggested dosage was half a brownie at a time.  Who knew?

Based on the footage from the Nanny Cam, after I dried off and changed clothes I began trying to do interpretative ballet moves to the beat of the techno music Kim was playing.  She seemed to be seeing streams go by, and tried to reach out and grab them.  And then I went down on the couch and began trying to burrow my head down deep in between the cushions.  You'd think by watching that I was digging for some valuable buried treasure.

I began to shout that I was hot, and Kim told me to go and stand in front of the big box fan in the living room.  I did so, and then pulled off my shirt and apologized for my bare fat belly.  And then I lay down on the floor on my stomach with my head just inches from the fan.  I do remember that, because when I closed my eyes and felt that breeze blowing hard on my head, I thought I was flying.  And I looked down and it seemed I was flying over a city that was made up of purple and green neon lights.  Those were the only two colors, and boy were they ever vibrant and bright.

When G got home, I wasn't really too aware of much anymore.  On the Nanny Cam footage, I saw I kept on hugging him and telling him that I love him.  And of course I do, but not nearly as much as I was professing at that moment in time.

The next morning when I got up, I went straight to the bathroom.  When I came out, G was waiting for me with a large mug of coffee.  "How you doing, buddy?" he asked.

"I'm not too sure."

He laughed.  "You were flat out tripping balls last night."

"I was?  I don't do this stuff."

"What stuff?"

 "All of this.  Pot, hash, mushrooms.  Any of that stuff I did is in the past for me."

"Seriously."

"Heck yeah.  I don't think I can handle it, do you?"

"Yes.  And you ate another brownie and had another cup of tea."

"You've got to be kidding?"

"Nope.  I guess that's just standard practice for a driving fool."

Well, actually... not so much.

THE BIG TIP

I was on my way to deliver the car to Mrs. Sherman at her Maryland home.  My cell phone rang and Riff was on the line.  "Hello, Riff.  What's up?"

"Your time is up, that's what.  Why are you always late?"

"I'm due at Mrs. Sherman's in one hour, and I'll be there in half that time."

"You shouldn't show up too early, it makes us look bad.  Sets a bad standard."

"Whatever you say."

"Damn right whatever I say.  I'm the boss."  He paused.  "Can you get up to Boston to pick up a car headed to Miami?"

"Sure.  Is it ready?"

"Ready today, the question is whether you can make it in time."

"I will check the train schedule and let you know."  I hung up and concentrated.  It was early morning, so if I could catch an Amtrak train within the next hour or so, I should be in Boston before evening time.  First I had to drop off to Mrs. Sherman, and I knew from experience that her motto was  "I know you are a man of integrity, so I won't insult you by offering a gratuity."

I pulled into her driveway, and the 94 year old lady came out to greet me.  "Hello, Bill.  I'm so glad they sent you to pick up my car."

"To be honest I am delivering it to you, Mrs. Sherman.  I picked it up from your Florida home 2 days ago."

She held her hand up to her forehead and seemed embarrassed and a little lost.  "Yes, yes, that's right.  Can you please unload my car now?"  I would not do it for anyone else, and it is against company policy to touch any customer's personal belongings.  But this was sweet old Mrs. Sherman, after all.

When I was done, she handed me an envelope and said it was my tip.  "Please open it later."  Then she began to absent-mindedly sing YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE as she walked into the house.

I took a cab to the train station, and ten minutes after I arrived the northbound train came along.  I called my old high school buddy Justin Alexander up in Boston and asked him if he could pick me up at the train station.  Not only was he willing, but he said he'd drive me to Waltham where my pick up car was waiting.

Justin greeted me at the station, and we had fun catching up.  Last time I had seen him was at the 2011 New Years Eve surprise party thrown for me by my friend Lisa.  "You still manager at your company, or did they promote you?" I asked him.

"No, they let me go."

"Say what?  You've been with them for 18 years, how could they just let you go?"

"Good question."

"No seriously, I want to know."

"Outsourcing."

"What?  You have to be kidding me."

"I wish I were."

"So what are you doing for money?"

"We're here, this is the address."  Justin had stopped the car, and nodded at the gate leading into the parking lot where a car waited to be driven down to Florida.  "Looks like they are about to close that gate and shut down for the night.  Get your car, then follow me home.  We can talk more there."

It was nearly 20 miles back to Justin's house.  His sweet wife Mary was waiting for us with a fresh cooked lasagna just out of the oven.  She'd also made a yellow cake with chocolate frosting, my favorite.  We talked about old times and laughed, and Mary reminded me that she had to warn me to behave myself when I was a groomsman at their wedding.  Back then, she was afraid I might come running down the aisle of the church pushing a grocery cart and yelling.  I used to do stuff like that, only in movie theater parking lots.  Never at a wedding.

After dinner, Justin and I sat alone and talked.  He really opened up to me about how hard things had been since his job ended.  "The tough part is having no benefits.  Mary was sick for a month, and she wouldn't go to the doctor because our budget was too tight and we don't have health or medical.  We owe so much for the kids' college educations, and we're just...  I don't know.  I'm trying to keep my head above water.  I don't think the man we have in the White House is helping matters much."

"I agree."

"Still, I have a good family who loves me.  And friends like you who make me laugh."

"Who me?"

"Yes you, you silly son of a bitch.  But when I'm alone, out there going for interviews, it gets me down sometimes.  You know, hard to keep my spirits up."

We talked on into the night, and finally he said he had to get to bed.  Since I planned to get up and be off very early, I needed the sleep also.  I was looking through my paperwork and I found the envelope Mrs. Sherman had given me.  I opened it and found two one hundred dollar bills inside.  Wow, good timing.  I had been short of funds and could really use the money.

The next day, as I was driving through Connecticut, Riff called my cell phone.  "What is it, Riff?"

"I got a call from Mrs. Sherman's daughter today.  She said that she thinks her mother may have given you an envelope with money in it that was meant for the landscaper.  You know anything about that?"

"No, not a thing."

"I thought maybe she gave you a tip.  She's a rich old broad, she can sure afford it."

"Yes, but she never does.  Tip me, I mean."

"Call me when you get to Miami."  And then he was gone.

About that time, I imagined Justin was in his kitchen and found the envelope from me with the note that said I AM YOUR FRIEND FOREVER AND I BELIEVE IN YOU.  HOPE THIS HELPS.  The $200 was wrapped in the note.

FLYING MONKEYS

I stopped over yesterday at my friend Beth's house in Hammond, Louisiana.  I had not seen her for a while, simply because when I stayed with her in the past she always had an odd assortment of houseguests and it was somewhat stressful and annoying.  Beth has a good heart, but she likes to find sparrows with broken wings and try to fix them.  Or rather, people who are troubled or have problems come into her home, and she feels she can make them "all better."  Sadly, it never seems to work out that way.

As I was leaving, she asked me if I could help her out.  "My new friend Rita is here," said Beth.  Since you are going to deliver this car to New Orleans, could you take her home on your way?"

"I have been here for nearly 24 hours, and didn't even realize she was here.  Where has she been hiding?"

"In the attic.  Rita is a bit of an odd duck, but she needs my help.  So I tried to keep her here and solve some of her issues, but she is beginning to get on my nerves."

"Wow, that's really saying something," I said.  "You are one of the most patient people I know."

"Yes, well, she has worn out her welcome for a while.  So could you take her home?"

"Sure."

"And Bill... please be careful what you say."

"I won't say anything to upset or offend her."

"Yeah, well the thing is, you never know what will upset her.  For instance, never mention THE WIZARD OF OZ."

"OK..One quick question:  why is she in the attic?"

Beth held up a hand in the air.  "Trust me, you don't want to know."

"Yes I do, and now I really do."

"Don't go there."

I got into the car and waited, as Beth promised to bring Rita downstairs.  When Rita got into the car, I saw a frail woman with a tooth here and a tooth there in her mouth.  She eyed me suspiciously, and then snapped her fingers.  "What are you waiting for?  Get going."

Beth leaned into the car.  "Bill, this is Rita.  Rita, this is Bill.  Have fun."  Beth shut the door, and I started the engine.

As we drove out of Beth's neighborhood, Rita shifted in her seat to face me.  "So Bill is your name?"

"That's right."

"You listen to me, Bill.  As long as I'm in this car, I'm in charge.  So you don't speed and you don't drink and you don't do drugs while I'm in the car."

"I won't."

"I mean what I say."

"Gotcha.  No problem."

"Don't be flip.  Don't be glib.  Jeez, I can tell already that I'm not going to like you."

"Everyone likes me, I'm a driving fool."

As I got onto the Interstate highway, I turned on the radio.  I had the local NPR station tuned in.  The announcer said  "Next time on Fresh Air, we take a look at the life of Judy Garland."  And then we could hear Judy belting out SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.

Suddenly, Rita got agitated beyond all reason.  "No!  No!  No WIZARD OF OZ!  No, no, no!"

""What's the matter?" I asked.

"The yellow brick road!  The wicked witch!  Flying monkeys, flying monkeys!  Turn it off, turn it off!"

I reached down and changed the station.  There was an ad on the AM band for Rush Limbaugh, and his distinctive voice said,  "Listen to me right here every day at noon on --"

"No!  Please God no, not Rush!  He's a commie pinko bohemian bleeding heart libertarian Republican with neo-realist views!  I can't stand him!  I can't listen to him!  Turn it off now!  Now!"

And so I turned the radio off.  I was extremely rattled and nervous by now, and did not know what to expect next.  No wonder Beth wanted me to take her home.

Rita turned to me and smiled, then asked sweetly,  "So what do you do for a living?"

"I drive cars."

"Really?  That's surprising, considering what a lousy driver you are.  Oh my God you're doing 55, slow down, slow down.  You are a speed demon!  You're a complete maniac!  You are a monster!"

"Please calm down."

"Do not presume to tell me what to do.  I told you that I'm in charge."

"I just need you to mellow out."

"Mellow?  Mellow?"  Then she became blissful and began to sing.  "They call me Mellow Yellow."  She seemed to go into a trance and sang this over and over all the way back to her home in New Orleans.  I was so glad to let her out of the car and see her leave.  "Thanks for nothing," she said as she got out.

I called after her.  "Watch out for the flying monkeys!"

She screamed hysterically and ran off into the night.

MAGIC MIKE MANIA

I had just dropped off a car in Jackson, MS and had a few hours to kill until my next pick up was scheduled.  My boss Riff had been calling me in a particular surly mood, reminding me over and over to be sure to get there on time.  Seeing as how I am very punctual on my job, it was more than unnecessary to keep telling me repeatedly.

There was a movie theater near the next pick up point, and I had been wanting to see TED.  It looked like a good, silly, rude, crude, and socially unacceptable comedy, and that is exactly what I was in the mood for.  But when I got to the theater, TED was all sold out.  It was opening weekend, a Saturday early evening show.  So I decided to get a ticket for the other new movie which had opened, called MAGIC MIKE.  Yes, I knew it was about male strippers, but the appeal to me was Director Steven Soderbergh.  He has made many movies that I liked very much, including ERIN BROKOVICH, CONTAGION, and all of the OCEANS movies (11, 12, 13).  And Channing Tatum continues to happily surprise me with his acting range.   So I went.

Inside the auditorium, there were mostly women, ranging in age from early 20's up to middle-age.  They seemed to be frisky and ready for fun, and I thought this might be a really interesting moviegoing experience.  I went up the the very back row at the top of the stairs, where I always sit.  Because if all the people who are talking in the movies are not behind me, it doesn't bother me as much.  Plus if no one is sitting behind me, no one can kick my seat or put their feet up on the back of the seat next to me.

There were a few other people in the back row with me, but most of the women making up the majority of the audience were sitting closer to the screen.  I presumed that they thought the nearer to the movie, the better view they felt they'd get of the male strippers in the movie.

Just as the previews of coming attractions started, a group of elderly men climbed slowly up the stairs to the back row.  There were 8 of them total, and they took up most of the seats that were still available in my row. It was funny to watch them move so slowly in the dark, especially the one guy who shuffled agonizingly slowly just like Tim Conway's little old man character on the Carol Burnett Show from the 70's.  I had to wonder what these old gents who looked to be in their 80's would think of this movie with young men stripping.  Had they perhaps walked into the wrong auditorium at the multiplex?

I got my answer in the first scene of stripping.  I heard one of them shout,  "Shake it boy!"

Another old voice said,  "Dance for me, only for me!"

Yet another said,  "Bend over and show me where the sun don't shine, you young stud!"

Also,  "Take me home and make me smile."

And finally a voice that sounded electronically modulated, like a patient with throat cancer.  "Shake your moneymaker!  Do it, do it, do it!"  This went on for the duration of the movie, and with each new scene of stripping, these old fellows seemed to reach a new level of excitement and enthusiasm.

As for me, I thought that the movie was well made and less exploitative than it could have been.  There was a good story, and surprisingly good acting performances.  But I'm afraid I will forever connect this movie with the 8 old men, who came to the movies to be turned on by the beefcake on the silver screen.  I almost expected them to start pulling out cash and throwing it at Channing Tatum.

CELESTIAL RINGS OF FIRE

Riff called me the other morning, very early.  “Where in the hell are you, you stupid sonuvabitch?”

“Los Angeles, Riff.”

“What?  Why in the name of all that’s holy are you there?”

“I told you about this, Riff.  I’m out here with my buddy taking meetings to pitch A DRIVING FOOL to studios and production companies.”

“OK, I remember now, and I still think that is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.  Who cares about you delivering cars?  In the meantime, I have a lot of cars that need moving, so get your ass back to the East coast pronto before I—“  That’s the moment when I hung up.

My old friend John Hazzard in Miami had proposed that we join forces and go to L.A. together to pitch my project.  And also to pitch an idea he came up with, a reality series about me pitching A DRIVING FOOL.  This guy is very smart and has a good head for business, so I decided to put my faith in him and off we went to the West coast.  And now here we were.

It was a Sunday morning, and John wanted us to go to church.  He had a friend who was an ex-Hollywood agent, and thought she might be of help to us.  She invited us to meet her at her church, which was called the Church of Celestial Rings of Fire.  As we drove over, I kept on singing  “And it burns, burns, burns, that ring of fire!”

John looked over at me from behind the wheel.  “Jeez Bill, you need to be respectful of her religion.”

“What kind of religion is it?”

“It’s about the mind’s eye.  About how if you visualize something that you want or need, it will come into being.”

“Not much like my own religion.”

“Or Pastor Rex’s?”

“Absolutely not.”  We both chuckled.  “I think he would have a heart attack if he knew I was going to this place.”

“We need Sherry’s help, so please keep your cool and mind your tongue.”

“Can do,” I said.

We arrived at the church and went inside.  The smell of incense permeated the halls of this huge place.  A woman walked up to us with her arms spread wide.  “Gentlemen, welcome!  You have entered the hallowed halls of the universal sanctuary of love and well-being.  Bless you both, and go find a seat in the auditorium please.”

“Thank you,” said John.

“No, no, no, thank you.  And love yourself, for goodness sake.”

We went in and sat down.  We didn’t see his friend Sherry anywhere, but we did see an odd assortment of people coming in and acting somewhat strangely.  There was a woman sitting next to John changing the diaper on her baby doll.  I think it was one of those Cabbage Patch dolls, though I haven’t seen one of them in years.  A middle-aged man sitting directly in front of me was sucking the thumb on his right hand, and using his left hand to pump upwards towards… well, Heaven I assume.  Though I noticed out in the hallway there were no pictures of God or Jesus or the Virgin Mary.  Just pictures of unusual men in white robes with very wide eyes, almost like they were stoned.

Just as the service began, I felt nature call and had to excuse myself to the bathroom.  Just as I got situated in the bathroom stall, there was a rapid knock on the stall door.  “Let me in, let me in, oh hallelujah, I gotta go!”

“Occupied,” I said.

“Hurry, please hurry, oh man I gotta go, hallelujah.”  What was it about me and bathrooms?  This was the second time in recent memory when someone was rattling my stall door and asking me to hurry so they could come in.  Can't a man be alone with his thoughts in peace?

“I just got in here.”

“Well then get your business done and move along, oh holy hell I gotta go, hallelujah.  Oh, I can’t wait.  I'm headed outside for the Azalea bushes!”  I heard his feet running out the door. 

I finished my task and then went back to enter the auditorium.  A small woman with long gray dreadlocks stepped into my path.  “You cannot go in, we’re holding the doors.”

“Holding the doors?”

“No one goes in, we don’t wish to interrupt the flow of the carmeenia.”

“The what?” I asked.

“I believe you heard me right.”  She reached over to the wall and flipped on a switch, which activated a PA so we could hear what was happening in the auditorium.  I heard them announcing weekly events at the church.  “We don’t want to interrupt when they are making announcements.   That would be sacrilege.”

Several other people came up and were also told to wait.  And then a very aggressive tall man came up and said  “Move out of my way, I got to get in there, hallelujah.”  I immediately recognized the voice as the man from the bathroom.

“You ain’t going in there, and that’s for sure,” said the small but determined woman.

“Oh yes I am, yes I am, you just watch and see.”

“I will watch and see you not going in there, I promise you that.”

“And I want to promise you that I will be walking right past you and going into the auditorium, woman!”

She threw herself against the door.  “You will only get into the holy auditorium over me!”

And then the announcements ended, and the voice on the PA said,  “Open the doors and let our people in now.”  And so the small woman complied, only she glared at the man who dared defy her.

I went back to my seat, and John leaned over and said,  “Where have you been?  I thought you abandoned me.”

“They wouldn’t let me back in.  But the bigger question is where is your friend Sherry?”

“Heaven only knows.”

“I don’t think Heaven has anything to do with this place, buddy.  She's not coming, is she?”

"It certainly looks that way.  Although I had every reason to believe she would be here.

Just then, a family came in.  A chubby man who looked to be in his 50’s was wearing a bicycle crash helmet and sat with them.  We sat and listened to a man sing a Sam Cooke song, a group of kids rapping about how man created God in his own image, and a plea from a woman to give more money to the church.  And then the minister who was to deliver the sermon got up and began to speak.  It was all about finding your true potential, being better than your best, helping others but only after you help yourself.  It all sounded like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me, and frankly the behavior of some of the people there made me feel like I had stumbled into a Cult of some kind.

The minister had spoken for an hour, and suddenly his soft cadences turned into something akin to fire and brimstone.  And just as suddenly, the man with the bike helmet got up and began running and ramming his head into the wall.  Again and again he did this, as if in direct response to what the minister was saying.  The strangest thing was that no one sitting around us even seemed to notice.  It was just business as usual.

At the end of the service, they invited the entire congregation to come to the Hall of Earthly Pleasures for some refreshing Kool Aid.  John and I decided to pass on that.

“

I AIN'T NO SAINT

I just celebrated a birthday.  When I was a kid, I always looked forward to them.  But as an adult, each year that passes just means I'm getting older, and I don't need any reminders of that.  Plus being on the road can be very lonely, and so hoping for a Happy Birthday is usually setting up for disappointment.

My Cousin Chris called me and asked where I was on the day before my birthday.  I told him that I would be arriving in downtown Charleston the next day, and he said he wanted me to know that he'd be thinking of me.  Chris and I grew up together, and in many ways I was always closer to him than I was to my own brother.  We shared a special connection, and I would do anything for this guy.  He's just the best person I know.

On my birthday, I delivered the car on the coast of South Carolina.  When I walked out the door of the office building where I had delivered, a limo pulled up in front of me and the back window rolled down.  "Hello, cuz," said my Cousin Chris, who was in the back of the limo.

After I picked up my jaw off the pavement, I began to stammer.  "How did you... how are you... where did you come from?"

"I flew into town on the corporate jet."  Chris is the CEO of a huge international corporation, and his job involves a lot of travel all over the world.  "Thought I'd come and spend your birthday with you."

"Seriously?  But I don't understand, how did you find me?"

"You told me that you were delivering in Charleston."

"Yes, but it is a big city.  I didn't tell you the address I was delivering the car to."

"I have my ways.  But like a good magician, I'm not going to reveal the magic behind my tricks."

"Then we'll just leave it at that.  Get out of that car."

"Why don't you get in?" he asked.

"First you get out."  He obliged, and I grabbed him and gave him a big hug.  "Thank you so much, I am so glad to see you."

"Likewise.  Now can we get in the car?"

"Yep," I answered, as we both climbed in.  "Where are we going?"

"Wherever you want, it is your day and you get to decide.  My first thought was that we'd go to the beach."

"Well then, let's go!"  And off we went to the nearest public beach.  He had towels and an ice chest full of drinks.  When we got there and settled down on our beach towels, I must have told him several more times how delighted I was to see him.  "We only get together maybe once a year for dinner."

"So?"

"So this is a real treat, I've got you to myself for the day."

"And?"

I got a little choked up.  "I'm just trying to figure out what I did to deserve this."

"I think you deserve it because you are you.  To me, you are special, and you maybe need someone to remind you how much you are cared about.  I read all the blogs, you know."

"No you don't."

"I sure do.  Why would you doubt that?"

"Because you are a busy guy.  Because you run a huge company and have a wife and kids to tend to."

"I always have time for you.  And I love the funny stories about people you meet, but I especially like the ones where you help people.  Where you show kindness to others.  You are a good man."

I shook my head.  "I ain't no saint."

"I never said that you were.  But come on, when you helped that young woman in Mississippi when you got trapped in her town for 24 hours.  Or when you gave your motel room to the homeless family on a cold night.  Or how about spending your weekend off working in a soup kitchen feeding poor folks?"

"If you read that story, you know that I got fringe benefits for that one.  I spent the weekend in the bed of a beautiful girl."

"OK, well I say good for you.  You earned that one."

I shrugged.  "Sometimes I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.  I drive all over the country, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  I feel a bit lost and listless."

"Easy answer:  you lack any real stability.  At some point you are going to have to get off the road and get a steady job with benefits.  But I don't think you're at that point just yet."

"When will I be?"

"You'll know.  See those Waverunners over there for rent?"

"Sure, I see 'em."

"Want to go for a ride?"

"Yes I do!"

And so we rode two Waverunners in the Atlantic ocean for an hour.  Then we lay out on our towels til we got dry.  After that, we went bowling, and then found a place we could play miniature golf.  I had forgotten just how competitive Chris could be.  I guess that is what makes him such a great success in the corporate business world.  We topped off the day by going to a very classy restaurant and eating the best Delmonico steak I've ever tasted.  Medium rare for me.

After dinner, Chris offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go in the corporate jet.  He said he would drop me off anyplace in North America.  "I haven't been home to Birmingham in a while."

"Birmingham it is," he said as we climbed back into the limo.  I sat for a while, quietly staring at my cousin.  "What?  Why are you giving me the evil eye?"

"Oh, there is nothing evil about it.  I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed that you cared enough to come out of your way to spend time with me."

"It's your damn birthday, so deal with it."

"I know, I know, it's just...  I'm not used to it.  Not even close."

"You are a good person, Bill.  You have a good heart, a good soul.  You love others and you show it.  And you have to remember this:  you are loved.  Got me?"

"I hear you loud and clear.  Did you know that you mean the world to me, cuz?"

"Yes, I had a general idea you felt that way."

"Same time next year?"

He laughed.  "Whoa now, I can't promise you that."

"I'm just joshing.  This birthday would be pretty hard to top."

He smiled.  "Well, that sounds like a challenge to me.  We will just have to see."

We got to the private airport and boarded his jet.  And then he told the pilot to take us to Birmingham.