POLAR POP NEW YEAR

I was getting tired as I neared Tallahassee, Florida on Interstate 10. I had driven all the way from Dallas, Texas and was feeling burned out.  I still had 200 miles to go, and decided I need some refreshment.  So I got off at the Thomasville Road exit and soon found a Circle K mini mart.

I parked and got out of the car, stretching my legs and doing some squats, and hearing some cracking noises in my body as I did so.  I walked inside and could immediately see the massive soda pop station, with a wide variety of choices of sugary drinks.  Filled my styrofoam cup with crushed ice and Dr. Pepper, then headed for the counter to pay for it.

The Cashier was a bright and cheerful little spark plug of a woman.  "Hi, how are you this evening?"

I smiled.  "Just fine, thanks.  And you?"

"Can't complain, can't complain.  Well, I could, but nobody would listen."  She howled with laughter.  "Carol's the name, and Circle K is my game."

"OK Carol, just let me buy this large Dr. Pepper and I'll be out of your hair."

She waved me off.  "You're not in my hair, and you're not a bother.  But what does bother me is that you got a Polar Pop."

I looked down at my cup, confused.  "Why?"

"Because there is nothing in that cup that's good for you.  Sugar and chemicals and God only knows what else."

"I'm tired, and I can use a boost."

She put both of her hands palms down on the counter and leaned towards me.  "A temporary boost!  An artificial boost!  And then you will come crashing down."  She picked up two handfuls of M&M bags and threw them down hard on the counter to demonstrate a crash.  "Do you want that?"

"I don't know," I said, unsure what was coming next.

She looked at me knowingly and smiled.  "How about a banana instead?"

"No thank you."

She pointed to the basket with several fruits just to the left of her counter.  "Fresh fruit, it's God's natural laxative."

"Nope, not today."

"How about an apple?"

"No, no apples."

"You don't like apples?'

"I love apples."

She grinned.  "You ever had an apple fritter?"

"I sure have, they are delicious."

"But have you actually tasted one?"

"Yes Carol, and that is how I know they are delicious."

"I'm not kidding you, they are so good.  Try a bite."  She reached below the counter and pulled out an apple fritter with a large bite taken out of it.  "Come on, try some."

"No, none for me."

"Don't be shy, have a big old bite."

"Not really hungry right now."

"Don't be silly, it's not like I have some horrible STD or something."  She looked at me very slyly.  "We hope."  She winked broadly at me.

"I'll pass."

"What is your name, sir?"

"Bill."

"Your momma didn't give you a last name?"

"Thomas.  Bill Thomas."

"Well Bill, you are being ridiculous and missing out on a real treat.  This might have been your one chance to find out what an apple fritter tastes like.  And you blew it."

"I didn't mean --"

"You blew it.   You'd rather pour poison soda pop down your throat than eat a healthy and nutritious apple fritter.  All I can say to you is please pay and get out of here."

The drink was 79 cents, so I put a dollar down and started to walk out of the store.  I figured she could keep the change.

As I reached for the door to go out, I heard her say  "The kind of guy who thinks he can just put his money down and walk out the door.  The kind of guy who thinks I want his charity.  Low down bastard."

And that's the life of A Driving Fool in 2017.

CHRISTMAS GIRL

I had just driven a BMW to Houston and was set to deliver to a Dr. Martin.  I called him and he said he would need me to deliver it to him at the hospital rather than his home, and I agreed completely.  He also wanted it on Christmas Eve, and I was happy to make that work for him.  And he told me he worked in the cancer ward, and that is when my heart sunk.  Just having learned a few weeks ago about my friend Smokey's upcoming demise from cancer, I guess I am still real sensitive about it.  Not dealing well with a close friend who is terminal, and not good for a Christmas I was going to spend alone.

I got to the hospital and went to the fifth floor where Dr. Martin said to meet him.  I asked for him at the Nurse's desk, and they said he was busy and just to please wait.  I stood against a wall just outside a room and tried to stay out of the way.  And then I heard a small voice call out to me.

"Hello?  Hey mister?"

I looked into the doorway of the room I was standing near.  I saw a little bald girl sitting in bed with a laptop opened on her tray table.  "Did you need something?" I asked her.

"Yes please, I dropped my pen and can't reach it."  She held up her arms attached to IV tubes to demonstrate, and I happily scooped up her pen off the floor and handed it to her.

"Thank you very much."  She smiled at me with what must be the brightest smile I have ever seen.  "My name is Heather, what's yours?"

I nodded.  "Bill Thomas, at your service."

"At my service?  Well, now I really feel special."  She giggled.  "What are you doing here?  You don't look sick."

"Just visiting."

"Oh," she said with understanding, "You must know someone here that has the Big C."

"Big C?"

"Yep, cancer."  I was very surprised that she had such an easy, flippant way of talking about it.  "That's what I've got, in case you couldn't tell."

"I, um..."

"Come on, you are on the cancer ward.  We've all got it, we're all fighting it."

I was really impressed by her plucky spirit.  I could tell right away that this girl had moxie.  "How long have you had it?"

"Years now.  I'm ten, and have had it almost as long as I've been alive.  They thought I was going to die, and then I had a miraculous recovery and went into remission.  But now it's come back again, so I'm ready to fight again."

"You're a fighter."

"Yes I am, you bet I am.  And I will win."

"I believe you."

"You better believe it.  Faith is my strongest ally, plus I have God on my side.  The only downside is that I used to get really bored sitting in the hospital.  TV can entertain you only so long."

I pointed a the laptop.  "You've got your computer, so the internet is yours."

"And that is what I do, all day every day."

"What do you do?"

"I use the internet to write a whole lot of other kids with cancer.  I've started my own network, and its growing every day.  I send messages of hope, humor and love to them all.  I tell them jokes, I offer support, and I relate to their pain and their situation.  And they all really appreciate it."

"I bet they do."

"Yep, I have literally hundreds of friends now all over the USA.  And I'm branching out to other countries now.  And you know what?  It feels really good."

"You're making me feel good."

She closed her laptop and looked at me earnestly.  "Were you feeling bad before?"

I felt some shame for feeling badly when this poor girl had it much worse off than me.  Yet she was upbeat and charming.  "It's not important."

"It is to me.  This is what I do, help people out.  Please tell me what's bothering you?"

"I... my close friend is dying from inoperable cancer.  It's very rare and can't be treated, and the doctors says he has less than a year."

"Sounds like he's got the very worse kind of cancer.  There's all kinds, you know."

"So I've heard.  I'm going to miss my friend, and I'm just not handling it well at all."

She sat straight up and said firmly, "Snap out of it!"

"Beg pardon?"

"Get over yourself.  I'm sorry to say, but you are just feeling sad for yourself.  Your friend needs your love and support right now, just like the joy I try to spread.  If you give me his info I will add him to my cancer pen pal list.  But what he really needs is a brother like you."

I was taken aback.  "He is a like a brother to me..."

"I had a feeling," she said.  "Where are you spending Christmas."

"Wherever it is, I'll be spending it alone."

"Oh no, don't do that.  Go to church, go praise God.  Or go find a soup kitchen and roll up your sleeves and help out those less fortunate."

"I've done that before."

"Great, then you know how its done.  Believe me, when you do good things for others, you will forget all about your own problems.  And you may find that your own problems aren't as huge as you thought they were."  She gave me her contact info and made me promise to stay in touch.

As I walked out of the room, I thanked her.  "You really helped me out."

"How?"

"You helped me put things in perspective.  You reminded me how valuable faith is, and that I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it."

"See there.  And one more thing-- carry love in your heart and show kindness to everyone."

"Thank you so much."

She shrugged.  "It's what I do.  Merry Christmas Bill, and remember God loves you."

I left with a bounce in my step.  I had been deeply moved and inspired by this young girl who really brought home the spirit of Christmas for me.

BRIGHT BLUE HOLIDAYS

I was driving through North Carolina when I got the news.  My friend Smokey was sick and dying.  I could not believe my ears when he told me on the phone, and I had no idea what to say.  This guy who had been like an older brother to me got a serious case of cancer and they found it too late.

As I was dealing with my many mixed emotions, I was also trying to pick up a car from a man who was being very uncooperative.  He had just been fired and was not ready to surrender his car just yet.  But I had been told to pick it up from him the night before, and waited for two hours to meet him.  Then he called to say to meet him at a house first thing the next morning.  So here I was, sitting in the driveway of the house, texting and calling the man but getting no answer.  I had knocked on the door, but he wasn't there.

My cell phone rang.  "Hey, this is Bill."

"What the hell are you up to now, you Pillsbury doughboy Christmas edition?"

"Say who?"

"This is Riff," bellowed my boss.  "Tis the season to get your work done and quit screwing up."

"I'm not screwing up."

"Do you have the car yet, my little crumb cake?"

"No, because--"

"I don't want to hear 'NO BECAUSE' you stupid moron.  I want to hear that the job is done.  And a Sir wouldn't hurt to throw in there."

"The guy is playing games with me, I will call you when I have the car."  I hung up, and my phone rang again almost immediately.  "What is it, Riff?"

"This is Henry Seltzer."

"Oh, hello sir, I am here at the house waiting for you."

"What house?" he asked.

"The house at 6440 Danbury Lane, the address you gave me."

He began to laugh.  "Well how about that.  I gave you my old address.  Why, I haven't lived in that house for five years."

"How about that," I said, not feeling very good about it.

"I'm at 1007 McManus Circle.  Can you get over here quick, I'm tired of waiting."  He hung up, and I looked up the address.  It was on the far side of Winston-Salem, and I was getting frustrated.

As I got close to the correct address, my phone rang again.  "This is Bill."

"Hey buddy boy, its Christmas Carol time."  It was Riff again, and he sounded drunk.  "Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle in my butt!"

"Riff, put down the bourbon bottle and make a pot of coffee."

"Don't you tell me what to do, you little precocious jack ass brat mofo..."  It sounded like he dropped the phone, so I clicked off.  I pulled into the driveway of the house on McManus, and I saw the man run out the back door and jump into the car.  He started it and began to maneuver in the circular driveway to get out.  I deftly pulled over in a position to block him indefinitely, and he jumped out of the car as mad as a hornet.

"You bastard, you're blocking my way!"

"That's OK, I will get out of your way as soon as we've done the paperwork."

"I'm not ready to give up the car."

"My boss said don't take no for an answer.  The company you worked for wants their car back."

"It's not like its their property."

I squinted.  "Well..."

"This is your job, ruining people's Christmas?"

"No sir, I just have to get the car then go."

"But you have two cars.  How you gonna get both of them out of here?"

"Just leave that to me.  Sign here please."  I indicated the spot for him to sign, and he responded by shooting me the bird.  He held the keys out to me then dropped them on the ground for me to pick up.

Henry gave me a look like he wanted me to disappear.  And then he said, "I hope you get cancer and die."

I drove the car I had come in down the block and parked it on the street.  Then I drove Henry's old car a few blocks away, to a supermarket parking lot.  I walked back, got in the original car, and delivered it ten miles away.  I took an Uber back to the supermarket and got into Henry's car.  It was going up to Vermont, and I was afraid I might run into some snow.

Sadly ironic how Henry had chosen to wish me cancer when I just learned my friend Smokey is dying from it. What a cold, harsh reaction from the man when I was just doing my job.  But I don't want to be sad, I insist on good cheer.  Elvis sang about a Blue Christmas.  And blue is my favorite color.  And bright blue is my favorite shade of blue.  So I'm going to remain upbeat and happy and have a Bright Blue Christmas.

THANKSGIVING KILLER KLOWNS

I had just delivered a car to Brownsville, Texas and was wondering where I would spend Thanksgiving as twilight set in.  It would not be with friends or family, I had none that lived anywhere near me down on the southern tip of Texas.

Donald Trump was recently voted our President, and being so close to the Mexican border I couldn't help thinking about that big wall he promised to put up.  And all the other crazy promises he made, though I hope he is able to come through on some of them.  A lot of people were extremely unhappy about Trump's election.  As for me, I choose to think of the things I have to give thanks for.  It is that time of the year.

I am thankful for all of my friends all across the USA.  I am grateful to live in the USA, it is a privilege to live in a democratic nation where we have the right to vote for whoever we want.  I'm thankful to all the folks I meet out on the road, nutty and otherwise, who keep things interesting and lively for me.  And most of all I thank God for watching over me daily and keeping me safe as I travel.

As I walked down the streets searching for a restaurant that was open for Thanksgiving dinner.  I saw some clowns running down the block and into an alley.  It made me think about my experience with Bobo the bitter clown who I'd met nearly a year ago at a Waffle House.  These clowns looked a lot more energetic than Bobo.

Nearing the alley, I heard shouting.  I looked down the alley and saw the two clowns shoving an elderly couple and shouting threats.  This did not sit well with me, and I marched down the alley to see what was going on.  One of the clowns spun on me.

"Whassup, you son of a mother?" snarled one of the clowns at me.  "We are the Killer Klowns, with a K."

"OK," I said mildly.

"You gots to respect the Killer Klowns."

"Why?" I asked, trying to fully ascertain the situation I was in.

"Cuz we out here doing the Lord's work.  We are punishing everyone we find who voted for Donald Trump."

"Why is that?"

The other Klown turned to face me.  "Cuz we are true Americans.  Trump is gonna sell us out, it's all downhill from here."

Klown #1 pointed at the old couple, who were obviously terrified.  "These two admitted to voting for Trump, and now they need to learn a lesson about America."

"Land of the free, home of the brave?" I asked.

"You got that right."

"Do you guys understand what it means to live in America, and all the rights and responsibilities that go with that?"

"We gonna do what we gotta do," stated Klown #2.

"God wanted Hillary in the White House.  Trump landing there is an afront to God."

"Is that right?" I asked.

"Damn straight."

"I've been hearing about guys dressing up in clown costumes and terrorizing people on the streets for months.  Never heard any relationship between you and politics."

"Never was one till now," growled Klown #1 as he shoved the old man against the wall.

"Don't do that again," I heard myself say, with a threatening sound coming from me but not familiar to me.

"What are you gonna do about it?"  asked Klown #1.

"Too bad you don't have a gun to back it up, Trump is against guns," said Klown #2 as he shoved the old woman.

I pulled a gun out of my jacket.  "Too bad you're too stupid to know that Trump is all for guns.  And I'm going to empty this gun into you guys with pleasure if you don't get out of here right now."  I aimed it at them as if I'd done this a hundred times before and they made tracks fast.

The elderly couple thanked me profusely and even invited me to their house for Thanksgiving dinner.  And I said a prayer of Thanksgiving to God that the Killer Klowns couldn't recognize a starter pistol in the moonlight.

HURRICANE MATTHEW

Last week I was supposed to deliver a car to a woman in Jupiter, Florida on the east coast.  Then I'd ride the Amtrak to Orlando where my next car waited to be picked up.  As I was driving down the Florida Turnpike, I got a call from the lady.

"Hi Bill, this is Louise."

"Hello Louise, I was just about to call you.  I'm about three hours away, and--"

"Stop right there, Bill.  I called to tell you that I'm not at home."

"OK, when will you be there?"

"I won't.  Can you bring my car to St. Petersburg?"

St. Pete is on the west coast, a few hundred miles from her home in Jupiter.  I reluctantly agreed, then started calling for bus, train, and rental car schedules to get me to Orlando.  I ran into a lot of problems, because so many people had fled Hurricane Matthew, and now those who rushed to the west coast for safe haven wanted to get back to the east coast.  So travel options were difficult.

Louise had asked me to meet her at a Panera Bread location where she was set to have a business meeting.  I arrived and let her look over the car, and then she signed the paperwork.   "Where do you go from here?"

"Well, I'm trying to Orlando, but most forms of transport are booked solid."

"Exactly, that's why I asked you to come here.  I came on the train to stay with my parents until the storm passed us by.  But then I couldn't find any way to get home."

"I think outside the box, and I'm pretty good at travel arrangements.  I'll just go into Panera and find myself a way there on my trusty laptop."

Louise looked towards the entrance to Panera Bread and saw another woman.  "There's my appointment, thank you for everything, Bill."

I grabbed my bag and went inside.  Ordered an Asiago cheese bagel and hot green tea.  Opened up my laptop in a comfy booth and started looking for options.  As I began to find some possibilities, I overheard the family in the booth behind me.  They sounded a bit desperate, running out of ideas as to how to get home to Cocoa Beach.  After hearing them sound so worried about the condition of their home and being so anxious to get back to it, I popped my head over the back of my booth to face them.

"Hi, I'm Bill Thomas.  I don't mean to interrupt, but I think I might be able to help you."

"Help us get home?" asked the Mom of the family.

"Yes.  I'm good at making travel plans outside of the ordinary, if you're willing to give me a chance."

"More than willing," she said enthusiastically.

Her husband stood up and extended his hand.  "I'm Caleb, and this is my wife Stephanie. And these are the kids."  There were three kids, and they all looked bored and eager to go.

I shook with him.  "The pleasure is mine, Caleb.  Let me see what I can do for you."  I got to work on finding them a way back to Cocoa Beach, and Caleb came and sat next to me in my booth.  Twenty minutes later, I had them booked in a rental van for a one way trip.  It was pretty expensive for a car rental, but they didn't seem to mind at all.  They were just glad for a way back.

As Caleb and his family were getting up to leave, two women came up and introduced themselves.  "I'm Sandy, and she is Claire.  We saw that you were helping those people and wondered if you could help us, too."  And so I did.

This started the ball rolling, and before I knew it there was a small line of people waiting to be next for my travel services.  Anyone could look up travel sources, but I have developed a knack over time of finding unexpected ways of getting around by searching with unorthodox methods.  And it really felt good to help these people out.  Every single one of them was so nice and so grateful.

After I helped the last family, I went back to looking for myself.  Greyhound, Megabus and Amtrak were all booked solid to Orlando.  But I did find a rental SUV at four times the usual rate, which would cost about as much as I had just earned on the car I delivered.  As I was trying to decide what to do, Louise stepped up to me.  "You still here?" she asked.

"Yep.  How did your meeting go?"

"Fantastic, I think this is going to move me forward in the company.  At least I made a good impression.  Seems like you made an impression too, I kept hearing people talk about this guy who was booking travel for people on his laptop.  And I looked over and saw it was you."

"I like to help where I can."

"So do I."

"Hurricane Matthew caused enough trouble, I feel that we should all come together and help each other."

She nodded.  "When times get tough."

"Really anytime.  I keep trying to do good for others where I can, and keep hoping it will catch on and spread."

"I really love your attitude.  So did you find your own transport to Orlando?"

"Not yet.  Still hopeful, though."

"Then why don't I give you a ride?"

"That is very kind of you, but Orlando is going way out of your way from here to Jupiter."

She shrugged.  "So what?  Didn't you just say we should come together and help each other?"

"Yes, but--"

"No buts.  You just helped more than a few people get home, now let me do the same for you."

I wasn't actually going home, just to my next pick up, but I decided to shut up and accept her generosity.  While it took three hours longer than usual to drive the 100 miles from St. Petersburg to Orlando, I had a great conversation with Louise and found her to be funny and quite smart.  And I couldn't help having that feeling again that when times are rough, there's an angel on my shoulder.

TRAIN SEASICKNESS

I had dropped off a car in Miami and was taking the Tri Rail commuter train up to West Palm Beach where I'd pick up my next car.  This one headed to Dallas.

I looked out the window and thought a lot about driving, about cars, about life.  Get it together, Bill Thomas!, I mentally scolded myself.  Suddenly I had an urgent need to go to the bathroom and got up and started down the stairs to the bottom level of the train.  As I came out of the staircase, a stranger grabbed me by the arm.  "Hey!" he shouted.

"Yes?" I asked.

"I can't ride backwards."

I nodded.  "OK."  I started on my way and he grabbed me again.

"Hey, I don't think you understand my problem.  I can't ride in a seat facing forward when the train is going backward."

"I completely understand."

"Do you?  Cuz I kinda doubt you get the full implications."

"No, I get it, absolutely I do.  But I need to get to the bathroom."

He stood in my path.  "Well how do you think I feel?  I'll be puking and crapping all over the place if I sit facing forward but the train is going back in the backwards direction."

"Then maybe don't sit down?"

He laughed.  "That's easy for you to say.  It's not you who will become sick as a dog."

"I really do have to go."

"Oh by the way, I'm Herb Jones.  I didn't catch your name."

"Bill."

"So Bill, are you gonna try to tell me that you have never heard of this affliction?"

"Nope, never."

"I find that harder to swallow than my breakfast this morning."

"But it's true."

"So you've never heard of seasickness?"

"Well sure, but we're not at sea."

"Exactly my point!  I'm seasick on the train!"

"OK Herb, I really do have to go now."

He walked a circle around me, sizing me up.  "So you're one of those guys, huh?  Only in it for yourself, and the rest of us can just go to hell.  I don't know why I even bothered to share my health issue with you."

I side-stepped him and rushed to the bathroom, barely making it in time.  One thing I agreed with Herb about --  I don't know why he bothered to share his health issues with me, either.

THE DOG SAYS MOO

I needed to get off the highway for a while yesterday, I was feeling weary.  And my boss Riff had been extra testy, I think he must have put too much starch in his underwear.

I stopped at a local diner in Tennessee, because I'd always rather have homestyle dinners cooked than fast food assembly line pasteurized processed food product.  As I sat quietly and waited for my food, I heard the man in the booth across from me as he read to his son.  The young boy was looking with fascination at the pictures in the book.  The father said,  "Now what does the duck say?"

"Meow," said the boy.

"That's right, and what does the horse say?"

"Baa, baa."

"Very good.  And what does the dog say?"

The little boy stopped to consider before answering.  "Woof?"

"No buddy, the dog says Moo."

"Mooooooo," the boy drawled.

"Yes, that's it."  The father looked up and saw I was looking their way.  I quickly averted my gaze, I certainly didn't want to get sucked into this conversation, even though I so often do on the road.  Weird people are drawn to me.  "Hey, you got kids?"

I pretended not to notice.  But he was staring at me.  "Hmm?  Who, me?  Nope, no kids."

"That's a shame.  Kids love to read."

"Keep going, Daddy,' urged his son.

"OK, OK.  What does the pig say?"

"Quack, quack!"

"You got it!"

"No he does not!"  A very large woman in the booth behind the man and boy turned around.  "I can't keep quiet no longer.  I can't stand hearing you mislead this boy."

"This boy is my son."

"That makes it worse.  Why are you teaching him all the wrong stuff?"

"Who is to say what I'm teaching is wrong?"

The woman seemed flustered.  "Well... I just... I mean it...  A dog don't say moo."

"Maybe in your world."

"Maybe in every world in the universe.  Mister, you are crazy."

"Listen lady, I just want to teach my son to defy expectations.  Why can't a dog say moo?  Because you say so?"

"No, because that's just how it is."

"Well I can't subscribe to your narrow minded way of thinking."  He spun and pointed at me.  "What do you think."

I held my hands up.  "I have no opinion."

"Come on man, don't be afraid to take a stand."

"I'm just having a snack, no problem."

"I'd like to know what you think."

The large woman nodded.  "Actually so would I.  You are the deciding vote."

The waitress walked up with my food and I said,  "Could I get this to go?"

The father got very determined.  "Here in Tennessee, we welcome a lively debate.  So I would like to hear your thoughts on child rearing and home schooling."

The big woman slapped her hand on her forehead.  "Oh Lord, you're one of those home schoolers."

"Excuse me, I have to run to the restroom." 

I got up and hurried off, as the father yelled,  "Don't be too long, we have a lot to discuss.  Hope everything comes out OK."

I stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes, then snuck up to the register to pay for my food and get going.  Old McDonald may have had a farm, but I didn't feel like any animal talk or lively debating.