As I drove across the Florida panhandle today, I was assaulted by pouring rain and furious thunder. And of course, the lightning that goes with it. I had been warned by the weatherman to expect tornadoes in the area, just like the ones that had done so much damage in Mississippi just days before. I could feel the wind pushing and shoving at the van I was driving, and it was much more than worrisome. I was getting very scared, very fast.
I said a prayer without closing my eyes, and just then my cell phone rang. It was my boss Riff, and his typical nasty mood was far from an answer to my prayers. "What are you doing, loser?"
"Driving this van to Mississippi for you."
"Whoa now, you're not doing it for me. Don't go acting like you're doing me some big favor. No sir, you are moving that van for our client."
"OK, whatever you say."
"Hey now, cream puff! I don't think I like the tone of your voice."
"Riff, I am in terrible weather, and I need to keep both hands on the wheel. Talk to you later." And then I hung up before he had a chance to say another word. Moments later, the phone rang again, and I answered, "Look Riff, you--"
"Nope, not Riff," the voice interrupted me. It was the voice of Pastor Rex, my old friend and spiritual adviser. "Just me, your old buddy Rex."
"Pastor and Pirate."
He chuckled. "At your service. Just had a gut feeling that I should call you."
"Your timing is great. I am driving in some pretty nasty weather, and playing hopscotch with tornadoes."
"Are you in the panhandle?"
"Yes sir, and to be honest I'm feeling nervous."
"No need," he said to me. "God is your co-pilot. He is watching over you, shrouding you in the hedge of protection. He will get you safely to your destination."
I smiled, feeling a sense of calm. "Thanks. You're right."
"I know I'm right. By the way, I really liked your blog about going to see GOD'S NOT DEAD."
"I loved that movie."
"And I loved the experience you had with the man outside the theater after the movie."
"God does work in mysterious ways."
"He does indeed." We spoke for a few minutes, then I excused myself so I could keep both hands on the wheel.
I was getting low on gas, and I needed to use the restroom. I got off at the next exit with a truck stop, and pulled up to the pumps. When I stepped out of the van, a gust of wind hit me that felt like it would knock me over. I slid my credit card into the slot in the pump, then removed the handle.
I heard a girl's voice as I pumped the gas. "Excuse me, sir?"
I turned to her slowly, not knowing what to expect. "How can I help you?" I asked, anticipating the worst.
She was an older woman dressed as a young girl. Her blonde hair was in pigtails, and her little girl's dress was worn and tattered. "Have you seen my dog?" she asked me.
"No, sorry."
"His name is Toto, and we need to get home to Kansas. I've lost my way, I'm looking for the yellow brick road."
She was clearly one of what I call Bill's people. The odd folks around the USA who always seem to find me and engage me with their zaniness. "Sorry, I can't help you."
"Sure you can, if you only believe it. If you have the brains, the heart, the courage, why then anything is possible."
I nodded. "I guess you have a point."
"Of course I do, don't be ridiculous." A strong gust of wind picked up trash and paper and spun them around in a small funnel. The girl looked terrified and screamed. Then she ran away yelling, "Uncle Henry, Auntie Em, it's a twister, it's a twister!"
You may call this extremely bizarre behavior. But for me, another blog just wrote itself.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
THE SHERMANATOR
I have grown to love some cars very much. The Cadillac, for example. It is so comfortable and so state of the art that it nearly drives itself. Not many people I drive for have them, but I'm always glad when they do. Soft seats, great stereo, and you don't feel a single bump in the road. My favorite customer who drives one is sweet old Mrs. Sherman.
Every December I drive her car from Maryland down to Florida. And then in May I drive it back up to Maryland, just like clockwork. This year, she called me the first week of April and said she needed it to go up early. I told her to call my boss Riff to make the formal arrangements and payment. The day before I was set to pick up at her lovely home in southwest Florida, she called me. "Hello? Hello?"
"Hi, Mrs. Sherman."
"Who is this calling?"
"It's me, Bill Thomas, your favorite driver."
"Oh Bill," she said, sounding relieved. "I am so glad you called, I was just about to call you."
"How can I help you?"
"Well, I had an idea. My son is driving me to the airport in Sarasota tomorrow to fly back to my Maryland home, and I wondered if you might meet us there. Then you could take my car and get on the road, while we get on a plane and fly, fly away."
This would work out especially well for me. I would not have to drive nearly as far south, and I could turn in my rental car at the Sarasota airport and just wait for them to arrive. "Absolutely, no problem."
"Is it a problem?"
"No ma'am, I will be happy to accommodate you."
"That's what I love about you, Bill. You always think of me."
"See you in the morning."
"OK, I will see you in the morning. Can you be there by 11am?"
"I sure will."
"Yes, I know you will."
The next day, I got up extra early and I arrived in Sarasota at 9:30am. As I pulled into the entrance to the airport, my cell phone rang. "This is Bill."
"Bill? Is this Bill?"
"Yes, hello Mrs. Sherman."
"Bill, I just had an idea. What if you meet my son and I at the airport today and then you can take off from there. Would that work out for you?"
I smiled. "I am pulling into the Sarasota airport right now."
"Oh Bill, you are a mind reader. You continue to surprise and fascinate me."
"I will be waiting for you here at 11am when you arrive."
"OK, but we won't be arriving there until 11am."
"That's not a problem, I'll wait." I hung up.
About fifteen minutes before she was set to arrive, I grabbed a wheelchair and went out to the curb. While she can get around fine with a cane, I knew that she used a wheelchair at the airport to get on and off the plane. It's a long way from the ticket counter to the gate for an elderly lady.
Just a few minutes after 11am, I saw her Cadillac pull up to the curb. I opened her door and she said, "Oh Bill, you are wonderful. How did you know that I'd need a wheelchair?"
"I picked you up here once before, and they rolled you out in a wheelchair."
"Yes, but that must have been five years ago. How could you possibly know I would need one again this trip?"
I shrugged. "Lucky guess."
Her son got out and introduced himself. He got two small carry on bags out of the back seat, but Mrs. Sherman began to fret over wanting to take more luggage with her. Her son reminded her that I was going to deliver it with the car, so they didn't have to worry with much themselves while traveling. "But, but..." she sputtered. "But when Bill takes off, I don't know when I'll ever see him or my car again."
"I'll be there in three days, first thing in the morning."
"Bill, I brought you something. I know how you love my baking, so I made you a batch of cookies." She pulled out a huge freezer bag stuffed with cookies. "They are black licorice cookies, with gumdrops and jawbreakers baked right into them. Yummy."
"Thanks so much."
"You are most welcome. Now, when will you be delivering the car to me?" Her son rolled his eyes, lovingly.
"Three days from now, first thing in the morning."
"Oh good, I will make my world famous black licorice waffles for you."
I got into the car and started driving north. I noticed that the odometer only had 200 more miles on it since I had dropped it off in Florida back in December. Don't ask me how I remember, I just do. My cell phone rang, and it was Mrs. Sherman.
"Hello, Bill?"
"Yes ma'am."
"It's Mrs. Sherman. I just wanted to let you know that I am at the airport now, and you can come and pick up my car whenever you're ready."
"Well, I am driving your car north on Interstate 75 right now."
"Oh my, aren't you clever. Thank you, Bill."
She is quite a lady. 97 years old and still going strong. She keeps on rolling and never stops, just like the Eveready bunny. Or the Terminator. She's the Shermanator, and I admire her a lot. I snuggled back into the comfy seats, and turned on the Sirius radio. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy driving a Cadillac?
Every December I drive her car from Maryland down to Florida. And then in May I drive it back up to Maryland, just like clockwork. This year, she called me the first week of April and said she needed it to go up early. I told her to call my boss Riff to make the formal arrangements and payment. The day before I was set to pick up at her lovely home in southwest Florida, she called me. "Hello? Hello?"
"Hi, Mrs. Sherman."
"Who is this calling?"
"It's me, Bill Thomas, your favorite driver."
"Oh Bill," she said, sounding relieved. "I am so glad you called, I was just about to call you."
"How can I help you?"
"Well, I had an idea. My son is driving me to the airport in Sarasota tomorrow to fly back to my Maryland home, and I wondered if you might meet us there. Then you could take my car and get on the road, while we get on a plane and fly, fly away."
This would work out especially well for me. I would not have to drive nearly as far south, and I could turn in my rental car at the Sarasota airport and just wait for them to arrive. "Absolutely, no problem."
"Is it a problem?"
"No ma'am, I will be happy to accommodate you."
"That's what I love about you, Bill. You always think of me."
"See you in the morning."
"OK, I will see you in the morning. Can you be there by 11am?"
"I sure will."
"Yes, I know you will."
The next day, I got up extra early and I arrived in Sarasota at 9:30am. As I pulled into the entrance to the airport, my cell phone rang. "This is Bill."
"Bill? Is this Bill?"
"Yes, hello Mrs. Sherman."
"Bill, I just had an idea. What if you meet my son and I at the airport today and then you can take off from there. Would that work out for you?"
I smiled. "I am pulling into the Sarasota airport right now."
"Oh Bill, you are a mind reader. You continue to surprise and fascinate me."
"I will be waiting for you here at 11am when you arrive."
"OK, but we won't be arriving there until 11am."
"That's not a problem, I'll wait." I hung up.
About fifteen minutes before she was set to arrive, I grabbed a wheelchair and went out to the curb. While she can get around fine with a cane, I knew that she used a wheelchair at the airport to get on and off the plane. It's a long way from the ticket counter to the gate for an elderly lady.
Just a few minutes after 11am, I saw her Cadillac pull up to the curb. I opened her door and she said, "Oh Bill, you are wonderful. How did you know that I'd need a wheelchair?"
"I picked you up here once before, and they rolled you out in a wheelchair."
"Yes, but that must have been five years ago. How could you possibly know I would need one again this trip?"
I shrugged. "Lucky guess."
Her son got out and introduced himself. He got two small carry on bags out of the back seat, but Mrs. Sherman began to fret over wanting to take more luggage with her. Her son reminded her that I was going to deliver it with the car, so they didn't have to worry with much themselves while traveling. "But, but..." she sputtered. "But when Bill takes off, I don't know when I'll ever see him or my car again."
"I'll be there in three days, first thing in the morning."
"Bill, I brought you something. I know how you love my baking, so I made you a batch of cookies." She pulled out a huge freezer bag stuffed with cookies. "They are black licorice cookies, with gumdrops and jawbreakers baked right into them. Yummy."
"Thanks so much."
"You are most welcome. Now, when will you be delivering the car to me?" Her son rolled his eyes, lovingly.
"Three days from now, first thing in the morning."
"Oh good, I will make my world famous black licorice waffles for you."
I got into the car and started driving north. I noticed that the odometer only had 200 more miles on it since I had dropped it off in Florida back in December. Don't ask me how I remember, I just do. My cell phone rang, and it was Mrs. Sherman.
"Hello, Bill?"
"Yes ma'am."
"It's Mrs. Sherman. I just wanted to let you know that I am at the airport now, and you can come and pick up my car whenever you're ready."
"Well, I am driving your car north on Interstate 75 right now."
"Oh my, aren't you clever. Thank you, Bill."
She is quite a lady. 97 years old and still going strong. She keeps on rolling and never stops, just like the Eveready bunny. Or the Terminator. She's the Shermanator, and I admire her a lot. I snuggled back into the comfy seats, and turned on the Sirius radio. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy driving a Cadillac?
Sunday, March 30, 2014
GOD IS ALIVE AND WELL
Just last weekend, I was on my way to visit my good friend Lisa in North Carolina. I call her Lisa the Lioness because she is so fiercely protective of me at all times. I love her to death, and she treats me like a brother. Or as a lioness, one of her cubs.
When I got to her house, she came out the front door and greeted me with a hug. "Bill, you got here early."
"A little bit. Is that a problem?"
She smiled and gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "Of course not, I'm so happy to see you. And I have a really big favor to ask you."
"What?"
"My husband Ernie is out of town on a job, and I just wondered if you'd take me to a movie."
"Would I? Absolutely! You know how much I love movies, need you even ask?"
"Well, there's a catch. It's only playing in one theater that's 60 miles from here. I can't drive, so..."
"Consider it done. What's the movie?"
"GOD'S NOT DEAD."
"Never heard of it."
"What? You've never heard of it? Mr. Movie, the man who sees everything, and you've never even heard of it."
"OK, guilty. Sue me."
Lisa patted me on the back. "I'm just teasing you. The thing is, there's a show today in two hours I was hoping to go see. I've been wanting to see this movie for a long time, ever since I read about it."
I nodded. "Well, its a Sunday, and that sounds like a faith based movie. So most of the audience would just be getting out of church and won't go to the early matinee."
"We need to go now."
"Are you ready?" I asked.
"Just have to grab my purse." She opened the front door and her small dog Bailey came zooming out and made a beeline for me. He was jumping in the air, and when I bent down to pet him, he peed on my shoe.
"Bailey, no!" Lisa ran over and took a wet wipe out of her purse. I grabbed it and wiped off my shoe, but still gave Bailey the attention he deserved. "He gets excited sometimes."
"No worries, I love Bailey."
"I know you do." She took Bailey inside and we got in the car to leave. We had a nice drive to the theater, and caught up on what had been going in each other's lives. Lisa also filled me in on the little bit she knew about the movie. From what she said, I thought we were going to see a documentary.
When we arrived a the theater, I was very surprised by how crowded the parking lot was. "It looks pretty busy. I betcha that the majority of the crowd is here to see the new movie DIVERGENT."
We walked inside to find the box office, and as we entered a Cashier at the box office shouted, 'GOD'S NOT DEAD" is down to the front row only."
Lisa smiled and looked at me. "First show won't be busy, huh?"
"Wow," I said. "I really called that one wrong. Well, you want to see something else instead?"
She looked confused. "No, I want to see this movie. I don't care where we sit."
"Well I'm not picky, but I sat in the front row once years ago, and my neck was very sore afterwards."
She shrugged. "You can see something else if you want to." I stepped up to the box office and bought us two tickets for GOD'S NOT DEAD.
Inside the auditorium, it was very full, but not quite as bad as we'd been led to believe. We found two seats in the fourth row. Definitely a lot closer than I like to sit, but a whole lot better than the front row.
The movie was surprisingly moving and not the least bit preachy. Kevin Sorbo plays an atheist college Professor who forces all of his students on day one of school to sign a contract agreeing that God is Dead. But one student believes in God and refuses to sign. So he is goaded into making a cogent case for the existence of God. The classroom scenes had a David and Goliath feeling to them, and the sold out audience was very much into the movie. It had been a long time since I'd been in a movie that had such an emotional impact on the crowd. Lisa cried several times. I felt a lump in my throat.
After the movie, we both went to the restroom. I could see that the line to the Ladies Room was much longer than the Men's Room. When I was finished, I stepped outside and waited for Lisa. A young man was sitting on the sidewalk, leaning up against the building, and he seemed upset.
"Did you see that movie?" he asked me. I've grown used to strangers starting conversations with me.
"GOD'S NOT DEAD. Yes, and I really liked it."
He shook his head, agitated. "It confused me. I mean, come on..."
"What confused you about it?"
"My parents were both teachers, and they don't believe in God. And they raised me that way, even though I always had questions."
"What kind of questions?"
"Is there a God? Is there a Heaven? Is there an afterlife?"
"I believe so, yes."
"Based on what, exactly?"
"Based on faith. I believe, simple as that."
"No way. It can't be that simple."
"But it is."
"You expect me to dig through the Holy Bible and try to find the answers? To interpret what they write and figure it all out?" His agitation level was clearly rising.
"Just check out John 3:16. That's all you need to know."
"What, one verse?"
"It pretty much sums things up. It's the foundation of my faith."
He came to his feet and got in my face, shouting. "But I've done some really bad things in my life. I've stolen, I've slept with whores, I drink, I smoke, I've done all kinds of drugs!"
"Doesn't matter."
His yelling got louder. "What do you mean it doesn't matter? You telling me I can do all of that and still be saved?"
"Yep. That's what I believe."
He grabbed my arm. "But you--"
Lisa walked up and interrupted brusquely. "What's going on here? Is there a problem?" She walked between me and this young man, forcing him to let go of me.
I smiled. "Everything is fine. We were just chatting." I took out my wallet and pulled out a business card. "I may not be best qualified. If you really do want answers, call this man. He's my friend Pastor Rex, and he will be more than happy to explain everything in terms you can understand."
The young man took the card from me. Tears filled his eyes. "Why? Why are you helping me?"
"Seems like the right thing to do. Please call Pastor Rex, tell him Bill Thomas referred you.
The young man put his hand out, and I took it for a quick shake. "Thank you. Really, I appreciate this."
"No problem, my pleasure."
Lisa and I walked away. She gave me a long, hard look. "I walked up and thought you were being harassed by one of 'Bill's people' like I read about in your blogs."
"Nope, it was just a guy who was touched by the movie and wanted answers. It's good when a movie can make you feel and think."
"I'm glad that was the case, for his sake. Because no one messes with my Bill." She put her arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze. I love Lisa, and I loved seeing this movie with her.
When I got to her house, she came out the front door and greeted me with a hug. "Bill, you got here early."
"A little bit. Is that a problem?"
She smiled and gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "Of course not, I'm so happy to see you. And I have a really big favor to ask you."
"What?"
"My husband Ernie is out of town on a job, and I just wondered if you'd take me to a movie."
"Would I? Absolutely! You know how much I love movies, need you even ask?"
"Well, there's a catch. It's only playing in one theater that's 60 miles from here. I can't drive, so..."
"Consider it done. What's the movie?"
"GOD'S NOT DEAD."
"Never heard of it."
"What? You've never heard of it? Mr. Movie, the man who sees everything, and you've never even heard of it."
"OK, guilty. Sue me."
Lisa patted me on the back. "I'm just teasing you. The thing is, there's a show today in two hours I was hoping to go see. I've been wanting to see this movie for a long time, ever since I read about it."
I nodded. "Well, its a Sunday, and that sounds like a faith based movie. So most of the audience would just be getting out of church and won't go to the early matinee."
"We need to go now."
"Are you ready?" I asked.
"Just have to grab my purse." She opened the front door and her small dog Bailey came zooming out and made a beeline for me. He was jumping in the air, and when I bent down to pet him, he peed on my shoe.
"Bailey, no!" Lisa ran over and took a wet wipe out of her purse. I grabbed it and wiped off my shoe, but still gave Bailey the attention he deserved. "He gets excited sometimes."
"No worries, I love Bailey."
"I know you do." She took Bailey inside and we got in the car to leave. We had a nice drive to the theater, and caught up on what had been going in each other's lives. Lisa also filled me in on the little bit she knew about the movie. From what she said, I thought we were going to see a documentary.
When we arrived a the theater, I was very surprised by how crowded the parking lot was. "It looks pretty busy. I betcha that the majority of the crowd is here to see the new movie DIVERGENT."
We walked inside to find the box office, and as we entered a Cashier at the box office shouted, 'GOD'S NOT DEAD" is down to the front row only."
Lisa smiled and looked at me. "First show won't be busy, huh?"
"Wow," I said. "I really called that one wrong. Well, you want to see something else instead?"
She looked confused. "No, I want to see this movie. I don't care where we sit."
"Well I'm not picky, but I sat in the front row once years ago, and my neck was very sore afterwards."
She shrugged. "You can see something else if you want to." I stepped up to the box office and bought us two tickets for GOD'S NOT DEAD.
Inside the auditorium, it was very full, but not quite as bad as we'd been led to believe. We found two seats in the fourth row. Definitely a lot closer than I like to sit, but a whole lot better than the front row.
The movie was surprisingly moving and not the least bit preachy. Kevin Sorbo plays an atheist college Professor who forces all of his students on day one of school to sign a contract agreeing that God is Dead. But one student believes in God and refuses to sign. So he is goaded into making a cogent case for the existence of God. The classroom scenes had a David and Goliath feeling to them, and the sold out audience was very much into the movie. It had been a long time since I'd been in a movie that had such an emotional impact on the crowd. Lisa cried several times. I felt a lump in my throat.
After the movie, we both went to the restroom. I could see that the line to the Ladies Room was much longer than the Men's Room. When I was finished, I stepped outside and waited for Lisa. A young man was sitting on the sidewalk, leaning up against the building, and he seemed upset.
"Did you see that movie?" he asked me. I've grown used to strangers starting conversations with me.
"GOD'S NOT DEAD. Yes, and I really liked it."
He shook his head, agitated. "It confused me. I mean, come on..."
"What confused you about it?"
"My parents were both teachers, and they don't believe in God. And they raised me that way, even though I always had questions."
"What kind of questions?"
"Is there a God? Is there a Heaven? Is there an afterlife?"
"I believe so, yes."
"Based on what, exactly?"
"Based on faith. I believe, simple as that."
"No way. It can't be that simple."
"But it is."
"You expect me to dig through the Holy Bible and try to find the answers? To interpret what they write and figure it all out?" His agitation level was clearly rising.
"Just check out John 3:16. That's all you need to know."
"What, one verse?"
"It pretty much sums things up. It's the foundation of my faith."
He came to his feet and got in my face, shouting. "But I've done some really bad things in my life. I've stolen, I've slept with whores, I drink, I smoke, I've done all kinds of drugs!"
"Doesn't matter."
His yelling got louder. "What do you mean it doesn't matter? You telling me I can do all of that and still be saved?"
"Yep. That's what I believe."
He grabbed my arm. "But you--"
Lisa walked up and interrupted brusquely. "What's going on here? Is there a problem?" She walked between me and this young man, forcing him to let go of me.
I smiled. "Everything is fine. We were just chatting." I took out my wallet and pulled out a business card. "I may not be best qualified. If you really do want answers, call this man. He's my friend Pastor Rex, and he will be more than happy to explain everything in terms you can understand."
The young man took the card from me. Tears filled his eyes. "Why? Why are you helping me?"
"Seems like the right thing to do. Please call Pastor Rex, tell him Bill Thomas referred you.
The young man put his hand out, and I took it for a quick shake. "Thank you. Really, I appreciate this."
"No problem, my pleasure."
Lisa and I walked away. She gave me a long, hard look. "I walked up and thought you were being harassed by one of 'Bill's people' like I read about in your blogs."
"Nope, it was just a guy who was touched by the movie and wanted answers. It's good when a movie can make you feel and think."
"I'm glad that was the case, for his sake. Because no one messes with my Bill." She put her arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze. I love Lisa, and I loved seeing this movie with her.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
SOMETHING 'BOUT A CAR
A friend asked me last week what was the best car I had ever driven in my eleven years at Drivers of America. I pondered this question all day yesterday as I was driving in the Pacific Northwest, up the west coastline. I mostly drive sedans, minivans, SUV and pickup trucks. Probably more Ford and Chevy cars than anything else, even though I have driven a fair share of Mercedes, Jaguars, Volvos, and Beemers.
I guess if it weren't for the car, I wouldn't be going anywhere. I often tell stories of the places I go and the odd people I meet there. But rarely do I give a shout out to the magical marvels of transport that get me there. The automobile. Each one has its own personality and its own story.
Although I always go for comfort, I never sat on the rich Corinthian leather that Ricardo Montalban used to go on about in his post-KHAN days. Now there are leather seats, seat warmers, and adjustments that can put your seat into just about any position that you choose. Oh, and did I mention the lumbar support feature? Once in a while, I get a car with Sirius radio, and that's always a treat.
As I was thinking about the car and the drive, I thought about what I don't like when traveling. Number one is traffic, and I go way out of my way to avoid any big city at rush hour. Morning or evening. I just like driving in a place where there's lots of space around me. I always assume that everyone else on the road is about to swerve their car at me in the blink of an eye. That way I am always prepared for anything. But the more space around your car and distance from other drivers, the less likely that is to happen.
When I am out on a remote stretch of highway and there are no cars in sight, sometimes I wish for a little less space around me. Times like that can make a man a little stir crazy. If I'm tired enough, I've been known to see things. And if I'm bored enough, I have imagined a Broadway musical being performed on the dashboard of the car. Complete with leaps and high kicks and beautiful dancing girls.
I am going to start paying more attention to the cars I am driving. And I might suggest that you do the same. We often take cars for granted, but try to imagine your life without them. It would take a lot longer to get around on foot, or horseback, or skateboard.
Cars are my livelihood, but what's more important, cars are my friends. There's something about a car. And as I was thinking about all of this, Jimmy Buffett came on the Sirius radio station singing "SOMETHIN' 'BOUT A BOAT." That gives me an idea for a name for this blog!
I guess if it weren't for the car, I wouldn't be going anywhere. I often tell stories of the places I go and the odd people I meet there. But rarely do I give a shout out to the magical marvels of transport that get me there. The automobile. Each one has its own personality and its own story.
Although I always go for comfort, I never sat on the rich Corinthian leather that Ricardo Montalban used to go on about in his post-KHAN days. Now there are leather seats, seat warmers, and adjustments that can put your seat into just about any position that you choose. Oh, and did I mention the lumbar support feature? Once in a while, I get a car with Sirius radio, and that's always a treat.
As I was thinking about the car and the drive, I thought about what I don't like when traveling. Number one is traffic, and I go way out of my way to avoid any big city at rush hour. Morning or evening. I just like driving in a place where there's lots of space around me. I always assume that everyone else on the road is about to swerve their car at me in the blink of an eye. That way I am always prepared for anything. But the more space around your car and distance from other drivers, the less likely that is to happen.
When I am out on a remote stretch of highway and there are no cars in sight, sometimes I wish for a little less space around me. Times like that can make a man a little stir crazy. If I'm tired enough, I've been known to see things. And if I'm bored enough, I have imagined a Broadway musical being performed on the dashboard of the car. Complete with leaps and high kicks and beautiful dancing girls.
I am going to start paying more attention to the cars I am driving. And I might suggest that you do the same. We often take cars for granted, but try to imagine your life without them. It would take a lot longer to get around on foot, or horseback, or skateboard.
Cars are my livelihood, but what's more important, cars are my friends. There's something about a car. And as I was thinking about all of this, Jimmy Buffett came on the Sirius radio station singing "SOMETHIN' 'BOUT A BOAT." That gives me an idea for a name for this blog!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
THE SPELLING DOG
I had taken a car to Miami, and my old buddy John Hazzard asked if I could give him a ride to Orlando. I picked up a new car to take up to Atlanta, so it was right on my path. As I neared John's office building, my cell phone rang. "This is Bill."
"Well hello, is this my little cumquat?" It was my malicious boss Riff.
"What can I do for you, Riff?"
"Don't take that attitude with me, jelly belly. I need you to pick up that car in Miami just as soon as you drop off the other one. It has to be in Atlanta by tomorrow night."
"Already done."
"You're already in Atlanta?"
"No, I mean the Miami car has been dropped off and I'm driving the Atlanta car."
He grumbled. "Then get your fat ass to Atlanta, because there is another car there going to Salt Lake City. Do you think you can manage that, my little sunflower seed?"
"I'll call you from Atlanta, Riff." I hung up, then turned the corner to see John standing in front of the building in downtown Miami. He had a briefcase in one hand and pulled along a rolling suitcase, both of which he threw into the back seat. As he sat in the front passenger seat, I could see that he was dressed impeccably as usual.
"Hello old friend," he said, extending his hand to shake. I took his hand and shook, then pulled into traffic and started the journey. "By the by, my secretary Miss Coral sends her best wishes to you. She is quite a fan of your blog, you know."
"She's one sweet and pretty lady."
He wagged a finger at me. "Now don't you go getting any ideas, she is not available for you to date."
I shrugged. "I just think she's very nice."
"Speaking of your blogs, the last one was incredible. This wiseguy tells you that he knew your Dad and that he may be still alive? And you are going to be looking for him, with the possibility of the Russian mob following you? Have I got all of that right?"
"Yes."
"But how do you know this guy--"
"Joey Salerno."
"Right, Joey, how do you know he isn't trying to pull some con on you? The whole thing is rather outlandish."
"Dreams often are."
"Dreams? My God Bill, are you telling me that whole story was nothing but a dream?"
"That's correct."
"For pity's sake, are your blogs turning into the TV series DALLAS? Where an entire misbegotten season was just Pam's dream? If you were going to write about a dream, you might have ended the blog stating that what had been written all happened while you slept. It was all in your mind."
"OK, noted. Now tell me about this case you are working on up in Orlando. What you emailed to me was intriguing."
"Bill, just how smart do you think dogs are?"
"Pretty smart. More than I think a lot of people often give them credit for."
"This is really a fascinating case. I was retained by a family with an unusual mixed breed dog named Gus. He was a rescue dog, and the family grew to love him very much. They wanted me to help nail down the movie rights or story rights about Gus."
"Movie rights?"
"As I wrote to you, this is a very unique dog. He began arranging children's toys and building blocks into patterns. Sort of odd, sort of cute, very unusual. Then one day, the dog spelled the word 'me'
with the blocks."
"He spelled 'me'?
"He did indeed. This seemed too strange to simply be a coincidence. So they contacted an animal behavior specialist who dismissed it as a hoax."
"How could the dog pull off a hoax like that?"
John shook his head. "I don't believe he could. The dog began to spell more and more words with the blocks, of course always when no one was looking. They set up a video camera one day and actually caught the dog placing the blocks in his mouth and setting them up to spell the words. That's when they called me."
"And you took the case."
"I had to, this was the most intriguing case to come down the pike in quite a while."
"So what happened?"
"Well, nothing." He shrugged. "A week after I was retained and saw the dog in action, he disappeared."
"What? I don't understand, where did he go?"
"No idea, buddy. It doesn't look like he was stolen. All evidence to the contrary. It appears he simply ran off. But he did leave a message in toy blocks in the lawn that said, "He's coming."
"Well hello, is this my little cumquat?" It was my malicious boss Riff.
"What can I do for you, Riff?"
"Don't take that attitude with me, jelly belly. I need you to pick up that car in Miami just as soon as you drop off the other one. It has to be in Atlanta by tomorrow night."
"Already done."
"You're already in Atlanta?"
"No, I mean the Miami car has been dropped off and I'm driving the Atlanta car."
He grumbled. "Then get your fat ass to Atlanta, because there is another car there going to Salt Lake City. Do you think you can manage that, my little sunflower seed?"
"I'll call you from Atlanta, Riff." I hung up, then turned the corner to see John standing in front of the building in downtown Miami. He had a briefcase in one hand and pulled along a rolling suitcase, both of which he threw into the back seat. As he sat in the front passenger seat, I could see that he was dressed impeccably as usual.
"Hello old friend," he said, extending his hand to shake. I took his hand and shook, then pulled into traffic and started the journey. "By the by, my secretary Miss Coral sends her best wishes to you. She is quite a fan of your blog, you know."
"She's one sweet and pretty lady."
He wagged a finger at me. "Now don't you go getting any ideas, she is not available for you to date."
I shrugged. "I just think she's very nice."
"Speaking of your blogs, the last one was incredible. This wiseguy tells you that he knew your Dad and that he may be still alive? And you are going to be looking for him, with the possibility of the Russian mob following you? Have I got all of that right?"
"Yes."
"But how do you know this guy--"
"Joey Salerno."
"Right, Joey, how do you know he isn't trying to pull some con on you? The whole thing is rather outlandish."
"Dreams often are."
"Dreams? My God Bill, are you telling me that whole story was nothing but a dream?"
"That's correct."
"For pity's sake, are your blogs turning into the TV series DALLAS? Where an entire misbegotten season was just Pam's dream? If you were going to write about a dream, you might have ended the blog stating that what had been written all happened while you slept. It was all in your mind."
"OK, noted. Now tell me about this case you are working on up in Orlando. What you emailed to me was intriguing."
"Bill, just how smart do you think dogs are?"
"Pretty smart. More than I think a lot of people often give them credit for."
"This is really a fascinating case. I was retained by a family with an unusual mixed breed dog named Gus. He was a rescue dog, and the family grew to love him very much. They wanted me to help nail down the movie rights or story rights about Gus."
"Movie rights?"
"As I wrote to you, this is a very unique dog. He began arranging children's toys and building blocks into patterns. Sort of odd, sort of cute, very unusual. Then one day, the dog spelled the word 'me'
with the blocks."
"He spelled 'me'?
"He did indeed. This seemed too strange to simply be a coincidence. So they contacted an animal behavior specialist who dismissed it as a hoax."
"How could the dog pull off a hoax like that?"
John shook his head. "I don't believe he could. The dog began to spell more and more words with the blocks, of course always when no one was looking. They set up a video camera one day and actually caught the dog placing the blocks in his mouth and setting them up to spell the words. That's when they called me."
"And you took the case."
"I had to, this was the most intriguing case to come down the pike in quite a while."
"So what happened?"
"Well, nothing." He shrugged. "A week after I was retained and saw the dog in action, he disappeared."
"What? I don't understand, where did he go?"
"No idea, buddy. It doesn't look like he was stolen. All evidence to the contrary. It appears he simply ran off. But he did leave a message in toy blocks in the lawn that said, "He's coming."
I pondered this. "Who's coming? Who is He?"
John let out a long sigh. "I just don't know Bill. But the lawyer in me says it ain't good."
I smiled. "And now you are going to see the family to get some answers?"
"I am going to tie up the movie rights for them. This just became a more valuable movie project than before." He turned to me slowly and squinted his eyes. "Bill, do you suppose this conversation will become one of your blogs?"
"Can you blame me if it does? It's one heck of a tale." John reached over and pinched me hard. I jumped in my seat. "Hey! What was that for?"
"I just wanted you to be sure that this wasn't all a dream."
Thursday, January 30, 2014
GAME CHANGER
I had just dropped off a car in Las Vegas, and my boss Riff called and really pissed me off with his rantings. I hung up on him and decided to relax for a day and enjoy the sights. Gambling, free drinks while you gamble, beautiful women, great shows. Viva Las Vegas!
At 3pm I sat down at a Blackjack table at the MGM Grand. I don't gamble much, but when I do I like Blackjack, and am usually pretty lucky when I play. This day was no exception. I sat down with $20 to bet, and within 30 minutes I was up $200. I didn't win every hand, but I won enough, and doubled down at all the right moments. I'm no expert, just a good friend of Lady Luck.
One hour later, I was up to $540. I might have had more if I was at a table with larger minimum bets, but I am a very cautious gambler. I could never get rich at the tables, I think I'm way too careful for that. As I pondered how much longer I should ride this good streak, two large men stepped up behind me and made themselves known. "Excuse me, Mr. Thomas."
I turned to look at them. "Me? You want Bill Thomas?"
"Yes, Mr. Bill Thomas. Mr. Salerno would like to have a word with you."
I looked them both over. They were well dressed, but big and beefy. They looked like bodyguards or muscle or some such. "What's this about? Have I done something wrong?"
"Absolutely not, sir. Mr. Salerno sends greetings and good wishes to you, and he'd be most appreciative for a few minutes of your time."
I shrugged. "I'm winning here, guys."
"We understand. Can you follow us, please?"
So I wrapped it up at the table and tipped the lovely dealer, then got up and walked with these dignified goons. One of them walked in front of me, one of them behind me. I began to feel like I was in one of those noir detective films, where the Big Boss sends his boys to get the gumshoe and bring him in for a beating.
I was taken out the front door and led to a white super stretch limousine. The guy in front of me opened the door and motioned me in. I climbed in the back and saw a man who looked like he could be from the cast of GOODFELLAS. "Hello Bill Thomas, I'm Joey Salerno. Real pleasure to make your acquaintance." He held his hand out to shake. The car door closed behind me, and the car took off. I stared at Joey's hand, then took it and shook. He looked like he was really happy to see me.
"Who are you and why am I here, Joey?"
He grinned from ear to ear. "Good question. When I give you an answer, you are gonna have about a million more questions."
"Well, I'm kind of nervous Joey. I was minding my own business when your boys came and grabbed me up--"
Joey interrupted, looking very upset. "Grabbed you? Did they touch you?"
"What? No, I just meant they pulled me out of the casino, and I was doing pretty good at Blackjack."
"But they didn't hurt you? Didn't touch you?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm fine."
He seemed genuinely relieved. "Good. Good." He rubbed his hands together anxiously. "Bill, what do you know about your father?"
I shrugged. "Just what my mother told me. That he left us when I was very young, and that he died shortly after."
Joey winked at me. "That's a lie."
"What do you mean?"
"Your mother threw him out, they always fought and couldn't get along. He loved her very much, but she just..."
"Joey, how do you know all this?"
"Because your father Larry Thomas is my best friend in the world."
"Don't you mean 'was'?"
"Is. Larry is still alive."
Time stood still for a moment. My ears turned very hot and began to ring. I felt all numb, then I felt like a ton of bricks fell on my head. "Excuse me, did you say...?"
"Your father, Larry Thomas, is still very much alive. At least as far as I know."
"How can... but how... why didn't... then he really...?"
"Here come those million questions I told you about."
"My dad is dead. Everyone knows that."
"Everyone your mother told, that's who knows that. They know her truth, not the real truth."
I gave my cheek a slap just to be certain I was wide awake. It stung, but at least I knew I had not imagined this. "How did you know him?"
"Larry and I met in the army. We served together, and became fast friends. In fact, we became so close you could say we were brothers."
"My mother never mentioned you."
"Did your mother ever mention anyone or anything about your father?"
"She just said he had no interest in me, and his family had asked that I never contact them."
Joey shook his head sadly. "Bill, it's a long story, but suffice it to say that your father got in bed with some wrong people. He didn't know it, he thought he was doing legit accounting work."
"He was an accountant?"
"Yes, Larry was amazing with numbers. A real genius. But anyway, let's just say he got sideways of the wrong guys. He didn't know Russian mobsters were behind his employers. And when he learned too much, he became a liability. He needed to disappear."
"So that's why he left us?"
"No, he wanted to take his family with him. But your mother made him crazy, and he knew they couldn't stay together. So he left on his own. You were born eight months later."
"He left before I was born?"
"He didn't even find out about you until a few years later. And he kept up with you as you grew, but he couldn't step out of the shadows long enough to see you. Plus, he would have had to contend with your mother."
My head was tingling. "So he's alive. He's out there somewhere. But where?"
"Honestly, I haven't heard from him in years. Last time he got in touch he was living in Oregon. But you travel around the country, maybe you'll find him."
I nodded aggressively. "I will."
Joey smiled. "Yeah, I know you will."
"How did you find me?"
"I've been looking for you for a long time. Then this morning, I see you at the MGM Grand, and you are the spitten image of your dad. No kidding, you even sound like him. So fate brought you to my door."
"What do you do for a living, Joey?"
"This and that. Don't worry about it." He paused. "I know you want to find Larry, but be careful."
"Careful? Why?"
"I'm not convinced the Russian mob is done looking for him. They have long memories, and your dad knows things that could do them harm. A lot of harm."
I chuckled. "So it's a race to see who finds him first?"
"Don't laugh. Bill, if they find out you're looking for him, they may follow you."
I got a chill. I didn't like the sound of being followed. I'm a driving fool and a free spirit.
Joey and I drove around Vegas and talked for a few hours. He told me a lot of really great stories about my father, who I knew very little about. Then he took me out for a very nice dinner, and got me a suite at the Mirage hotel for the night. He gave me his contact info and said to call him anytime for anything. My life just took a dramatic but interesting turn.
At 3pm I sat down at a Blackjack table at the MGM Grand. I don't gamble much, but when I do I like Blackjack, and am usually pretty lucky when I play. This day was no exception. I sat down with $20 to bet, and within 30 minutes I was up $200. I didn't win every hand, but I won enough, and doubled down at all the right moments. I'm no expert, just a good friend of Lady Luck.
One hour later, I was up to $540. I might have had more if I was at a table with larger minimum bets, but I am a very cautious gambler. I could never get rich at the tables, I think I'm way too careful for that. As I pondered how much longer I should ride this good streak, two large men stepped up behind me and made themselves known. "Excuse me, Mr. Thomas."
I turned to look at them. "Me? You want Bill Thomas?"
"Yes, Mr. Bill Thomas. Mr. Salerno would like to have a word with you."
I looked them both over. They were well dressed, but big and beefy. They looked like bodyguards or muscle or some such. "What's this about? Have I done something wrong?"
"Absolutely not, sir. Mr. Salerno sends greetings and good wishes to you, and he'd be most appreciative for a few minutes of your time."
I shrugged. "I'm winning here, guys."
"We understand. Can you follow us, please?"
So I wrapped it up at the table and tipped the lovely dealer, then got up and walked with these dignified goons. One of them walked in front of me, one of them behind me. I began to feel like I was in one of those noir detective films, where the Big Boss sends his boys to get the gumshoe and bring him in for a beating.
I was taken out the front door and led to a white super stretch limousine. The guy in front of me opened the door and motioned me in. I climbed in the back and saw a man who looked like he could be from the cast of GOODFELLAS. "Hello Bill Thomas, I'm Joey Salerno. Real pleasure to make your acquaintance." He held his hand out to shake. The car door closed behind me, and the car took off. I stared at Joey's hand, then took it and shook. He looked like he was really happy to see me.
"Who are you and why am I here, Joey?"
He grinned from ear to ear. "Good question. When I give you an answer, you are gonna have about a million more questions."
"Well, I'm kind of nervous Joey. I was minding my own business when your boys came and grabbed me up--"
Joey interrupted, looking very upset. "Grabbed you? Did they touch you?"
"What? No, I just meant they pulled me out of the casino, and I was doing pretty good at Blackjack."
"But they didn't hurt you? Didn't touch you?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm fine."
He seemed genuinely relieved. "Good. Good." He rubbed his hands together anxiously. "Bill, what do you know about your father?"
I shrugged. "Just what my mother told me. That he left us when I was very young, and that he died shortly after."
Joey winked at me. "That's a lie."
"What do you mean?"
"Your mother threw him out, they always fought and couldn't get along. He loved her very much, but she just..."
"Joey, how do you know all this?"
"Because your father Larry Thomas is my best friend in the world."
"Don't you mean 'was'?"
"Is. Larry is still alive."
Time stood still for a moment. My ears turned very hot and began to ring. I felt all numb, then I felt like a ton of bricks fell on my head. "Excuse me, did you say...?"
"Your father, Larry Thomas, is still very much alive. At least as far as I know."
"How can... but how... why didn't... then he really...?"
"Here come those million questions I told you about."
"My dad is dead. Everyone knows that."
"Everyone your mother told, that's who knows that. They know her truth, not the real truth."
I gave my cheek a slap just to be certain I was wide awake. It stung, but at least I knew I had not imagined this. "How did you know him?"
"Larry and I met in the army. We served together, and became fast friends. In fact, we became so close you could say we were brothers."
"My mother never mentioned you."
"Did your mother ever mention anyone or anything about your father?"
"She just said he had no interest in me, and his family had asked that I never contact them."
Joey shook his head sadly. "Bill, it's a long story, but suffice it to say that your father got in bed with some wrong people. He didn't know it, he thought he was doing legit accounting work."
"He was an accountant?"
"Yes, Larry was amazing with numbers. A real genius. But anyway, let's just say he got sideways of the wrong guys. He didn't know Russian mobsters were behind his employers. And when he learned too much, he became a liability. He needed to disappear."
"So that's why he left us?"
"No, he wanted to take his family with him. But your mother made him crazy, and he knew they couldn't stay together. So he left on his own. You were born eight months later."
"He left before I was born?"
"He didn't even find out about you until a few years later. And he kept up with you as you grew, but he couldn't step out of the shadows long enough to see you. Plus, he would have had to contend with your mother."
My head was tingling. "So he's alive. He's out there somewhere. But where?"
"Honestly, I haven't heard from him in years. Last time he got in touch he was living in Oregon. But you travel around the country, maybe you'll find him."
I nodded aggressively. "I will."
Joey smiled. "Yeah, I know you will."
"How did you find me?"
"I've been looking for you for a long time. Then this morning, I see you at the MGM Grand, and you are the spitten image of your dad. No kidding, you even sound like him. So fate brought you to my door."
"What do you do for a living, Joey?"
"This and that. Don't worry about it." He paused. "I know you want to find Larry, but be careful."
"Careful? Why?"
"I'm not convinced the Russian mob is done looking for him. They have long memories, and your dad knows things that could do them harm. A lot of harm."
I chuckled. "So it's a race to see who finds him first?"
"Don't laugh. Bill, if they find out you're looking for him, they may follow you."
I got a chill. I didn't like the sound of being followed. I'm a driving fool and a free spirit.
Joey and I drove around Vegas and talked for a few hours. He told me a lot of really great stories about my father, who I knew very little about. Then he took me out for a very nice dinner, and got me a suite at the Mirage hotel for the night. He gave me his contact info and said to call him anytime for anything. My life just took a dramatic but interesting turn.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
BLACK & BLUE ICE
I was walking up to the door of Mrs. Sherman's house in Maryland to pick up her car for the annual trip south. It would be my first car delivery of 2014, and while I normally got her car each year just before Christmas, this year she had delayed until after the holidays. My cell phone rang just as I got to the front porch. "This is Bill."
"Oh Bill, good, I'm so glad I reached you," said sweet, elderly Mrs. Sherman. She was a kind woman, but her age seemed to affect her mind. "Aren't you coming today to pick up my car today to drive to Florida?"
"Yes I am. And I just arrived." I rang her doorbell.
"Bill, I'm going to have to put you on hold. Someone is at my front door." I could hear her setting the phone down, and a few minutes later she opened the front door. "Oh, hello Bill. I was just thinking of calling you and finding out where you were."
"I'm here."
"Yes, well I can see that. Come on inside, it's awfully cold out there."
"Yes, it sure is." And it was, the temperature hovering just above zero, and the wind chill way below zero. There was snow on the ground, and I knew driving conditions would not be optimal.
She led me into her kitchen, and she paused to pick up the phone receiver that laid on the table. She put the phone up to her ear and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I have company right now. I will have to call you back later. Bye bye." She hung up the phone and turned to smile at me. "I'm 96 years old now, but I still have friends and I'm still very popular."
"I'm not surprised."
"Well, you shouldn't be. Now, you have a long trip ahead and the weather is horrible. So I need to give you some trips on driving my car. You need to watch out for the hail that may come down. It looks like rain, only its small frozen balls, sometimes the size of a marble, sometimes the size of a golf ball. We call it hail, but not hell like in the home of Satan the devil. Hail like in all hail the king. Understand?"
I nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
"Good. I also want you to watch out for the black and blue ice. You'll find patches of ice on the road and you can't see them, but when you hit them you'll know it. We call it black and blue ice because if you hit it, you can spin the car and crash, and then you'll be all black and blue. If you survive."
"Thank you for the tip."
"No tips, Bill. You know by now how I feel about gratuities, I don't want to insult your integrity by offering you one."
"No, I get it, that's fine."
"Can I bake you a batch of brownies? Do you have time for a visit?"
"I appreciate it Mrs. Sherman, but I think I'd better get on the road if I want to meet you in Bonita Springs in two days."
"Yes, yes, well you're right of course."
We talked a bit more and then I got her to sign the paperwork and I left. The drive was already tricky, with other cars on the road zigging and zagging erratically, as if they didn't notice the bad weather conditions. My cell phone rang, and I saw it was Karen, the love of my life. "This is Bill."
"And this is Karen. Happy New year."
"Same to you but more of it. How are you?"
"More to the point, how are you? We sleep together then you just forget about me?"
"I haven't forgotten you at all. I never could, don't be silly. I've just been busy."
"Couldn't you have called?"
"I've called you three times and left messages. And I dropped by your Cafe in Richmond, but you weren't there. Didn't anyone tell you?"
"No. I'm about to fire my staff, they are all sub par."
I could see that my boss Riff was trying to call through. "Karen, I have to go."
"We need to talk. Soon. Face to face."
"We will I promise. Call you later." I hung up and then picked up Riff's call. "Yes, Riff?"
"Where in God's name are you?"
"Just picked up Mrs. Sherman's car, headed for Florida."
"OK, well when you get it delivered, I need you to go to Orlando and pick up a car that's headed
to Las Vegas. Think you can handle such a complex assignment, Tinkerbell?"
"Yep, got it covered." I had another call coming in. "Riff, I have to go." I hung up on him and picked up the new call. "This is Bill."
"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman. Now are you coming to pick up my car today to take to Florida? I was expecting you to be here already."
Just then I hit a slick spot on the highway and began to slide one way then the other. Black and blue ice alert!
"Oh Bill, good, I'm so glad I reached you," said sweet, elderly Mrs. Sherman. She was a kind woman, but her age seemed to affect her mind. "Aren't you coming today to pick up my car today to drive to Florida?"
"Yes I am. And I just arrived." I rang her doorbell.
"Bill, I'm going to have to put you on hold. Someone is at my front door." I could hear her setting the phone down, and a few minutes later she opened the front door. "Oh, hello Bill. I was just thinking of calling you and finding out where you were."
"I'm here."
"Yes, well I can see that. Come on inside, it's awfully cold out there."
"Yes, it sure is." And it was, the temperature hovering just above zero, and the wind chill way below zero. There was snow on the ground, and I knew driving conditions would not be optimal.
She led me into her kitchen, and she paused to pick up the phone receiver that laid on the table. She put the phone up to her ear and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I have company right now. I will have to call you back later. Bye bye." She hung up the phone and turned to smile at me. "I'm 96 years old now, but I still have friends and I'm still very popular."
"I'm not surprised."
"Well, you shouldn't be. Now, you have a long trip ahead and the weather is horrible. So I need to give you some trips on driving my car. You need to watch out for the hail that may come down. It looks like rain, only its small frozen balls, sometimes the size of a marble, sometimes the size of a golf ball. We call it hail, but not hell like in the home of Satan the devil. Hail like in all hail the king. Understand?"
I nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
"Good. I also want you to watch out for the black and blue ice. You'll find patches of ice on the road and you can't see them, but when you hit them you'll know it. We call it black and blue ice because if you hit it, you can spin the car and crash, and then you'll be all black and blue. If you survive."
"Thank you for the tip."
"No tips, Bill. You know by now how I feel about gratuities, I don't want to insult your integrity by offering you one."
"No, I get it, that's fine."
"Can I bake you a batch of brownies? Do you have time for a visit?"
"I appreciate it Mrs. Sherman, but I think I'd better get on the road if I want to meet you in Bonita Springs in two days."
"Yes, yes, well you're right of course."
We talked a bit more and then I got her to sign the paperwork and I left. The drive was already tricky, with other cars on the road zigging and zagging erratically, as if they didn't notice the bad weather conditions. My cell phone rang, and I saw it was Karen, the love of my life. "This is Bill."
"And this is Karen. Happy New year."
"Same to you but more of it. How are you?"
"More to the point, how are you? We sleep together then you just forget about me?"
"I haven't forgotten you at all. I never could, don't be silly. I've just been busy."
"Couldn't you have called?"
"I've called you three times and left messages. And I dropped by your Cafe in Richmond, but you weren't there. Didn't anyone tell you?"
"No. I'm about to fire my staff, they are all sub par."
I could see that my boss Riff was trying to call through. "Karen, I have to go."
"We need to talk. Soon. Face to face."
"We will I promise. Call you later." I hung up and then picked up Riff's call. "Yes, Riff?"
"Where in God's name are you?"
"Just picked up Mrs. Sherman's car, headed for Florida."
"OK, well when you get it delivered, I need you to go to Orlando and pick up a car that's headed
to Las Vegas. Think you can handle such a complex assignment, Tinkerbell?"
"Yep, got it covered." I had another call coming in. "Riff, I have to go." I hung up on him and picked up the new call. "This is Bill."
"Hello Bill, this is Mrs. Sherman. Now are you coming to pick up my car today to take to Florida? I was expecting you to be here already."
Just then I hit a slick spot on the highway and began to slide one way then the other. Black and blue ice alert!
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