It was early morning as I headed for my next vehicle pick up just outside Salina, Kansas and I had hitched a ride with a kind farmer I met in the little cafe where I went for breakfast. He told me I'd have to sit in the bed of the truck with his five dogs, but I happen to love dogs a lot so it was my pleasure. My boss Riff had told me that I was getting a 4 wheeler Chevy truck and taking it to Boston. He said the gentleman I was getting it from, Mr. Pyrtle, sounded gentle and accommodating. That would be a nice change of pace.
At 8am, the truck dropped me off at the entrance to the Pyrtle compound. It looked a whole lot to me like a military compound. As I neared the fortified gate, two snarling Dobermans came running down to me barking and biting the air, seeming to wish it was me they were biting. I heard a man shout, and the dogs immediately went running back to the house and disappeared inside. The man who shouted walked to face me through the gate. "Mr. Pyrtle?" I asked.
"I prefer to be called Sarge." He unlocked four different locks and then opened the gate. "Follow me, and watch where you step. You never know when you're gonna come across a booby trap, soldier. When you are in a war, you must expect the unexpected. There could be land mines."
"Land mines?" I said with real concern.
"Oh there's none on my property, but I can't speak for outside the perimeter. Understood?" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!"
"Now I expect you to take very good care of this truck. I expect it to arrive there in mint condition. Not a dent, not a ding, not a scratch. Are we clear?"
"Yes sir!"
"I have inserted a military grade advanced GPS system in the truck and will be tracking you all the way to Texas. If you deviate even slightly from the prescribed path, I will call the police and report my truck stolen."
"OK, but I thought that it was going to Boston."
His face turned red. "What did you say?"
"Boston, up in Massa --"
"I know where Boston is, I served with many fine men who loved the Red Sox, God help them.. Just what are you up to, boy, what are you scheming?"
I shook my head. "I have no scheme, I'm just here to drive your truck."
"To Texas! Not to Boston! But you intended to take it to Boston in spite of my wishes."
"No."
"No what?"
"No sir, Sarge."
His eyes became slits of suspicion. "I think you'd better break out some ID, soldier." I fumbled to get my Alabama driver's license out and handed it to him. As he looked it over, he pulled a 9mm Glock that had been tucked in his belt from behind his back. "We are gonna get to the bottom of this real fast."
Quickly, I pulled my cell phone from my pocket. "If I could just call my boss real quick --" He knocked my cell phone out of my hands and it fell to the ground. "I am not your enemy, Sarge."
"That remains to be seen, Private." The Sarge closed his eyes and began humming. Then he began walking around in small circles while mumbling to himself. "This is how its gonna go. I will go into the house and call your boss and find out what kind of FUBAR is going on. And you, you will stay put or I will release my dogs and they will rip you apart. Do you believe me?"
"Yes sir, Sarge."
"It's important that you believe that they can do it. Stay right here." The Sarge marched purposefully up to the house. I stood my ground. Ten minutes later, a haggard looking woman came out of the house and walked cautiously towards me.
"Who are you?" she asked.
"Bill Thomas, I'm the driver."
"No, I mean who are you really. Sarge says you're the underworld element. But whoever you are, I ain't lost all my manners. Welcome, I'm Lulu Pyrtle and the Sarge is my husband. He don't mean nothing, you know."
"War can be tough on a man, I'm sure."
She stared at me incredulously. "You think the Sarge fought in a war? No, no, he wanted to but got refused on the medical part because of mental unbalance or some such. Sarge is the most mentally smart man I know, and he will be ready when the commies come knocking at our door."
"I see," I said.
"The compound is secure, and we are ready to send those commies rushing back to Russia. You say 'I See' but do you really? Not everyone understands the Sarge. Goodness me, where are my manners, can I get you something to drink?"
"No, but thank you very much."
"Are you sure? It's really no problem." Right then, the Sarge came marching back at a quicker clip than before, and now he was carrying a rifle. I felt a cold chill run up my spine.
"Your story checks out, Private. Hey Lulu, are you offering aid to a potential enemy? Get back in the house now and check on that thing."
She smiled. "Oh, you mean the --"
He quickly interrupted her with a harsh "Shhhh! Go, now!" She hung her head, defeated, and walked as fast as she could back to the house. The Sarge eyed me closely. "Did she tell you anything?"
"About what?" I asked.
"Anything about anything?"
"No Sarge, she just offered me a drink."
He looked down and shook his head sadly. "God bless her, that woman is too kind for her own good. Someday when the enemies storm our gates, they will take advantage of her weaknesses. Now before I send you off with my truck, I'm going over it with a fine tooth comb. Let's get a move on, Private!"
For the next hour, we examined the truck more thoroughly than I ever have with any vehicle. While we looked, the Sarge asked my views on some very politically charged questions. This felt like the minefield he had warned me about, and I kept my answers brief and very dumb so as not to set him off. As I climbed into the truck to leave, the Sarge snapped to attention and saluted me. "You are a brave soldier, I would love to ride your ass in basic training and see what kind of officer you'd make in the U.S. military. Godspeed to you, Private. Are we clear?"
"Yes sir, very clear." I left and drove much faster than usual, wanting to put as much distance as I could between us. My cell phone rang, and I heard my boss Riff giggling on the line.
"How was the pickup from Mr. Pyrtle?"
"Terrible Riff, the man was wacko. And it didn't help when I told him I was driving his truck to Boston. Did you know it was going to Texas?"
Riff's laughter grew heartier. "Of course I knew, I was having a little fun with you. He sounded like an oddball on the phone, so I gave you misinformation to see how he'd react."
"I'll tell you how, he reacted by pulling a gun on me!"
Riff responded with a chortle. "Oh I would have loved to have seen that. Priceless."
"I'm doing a job here, do not play with me or put my life in danger!" I hung up my cell phone and replayed what had just happened at the compound. One thing is for sure, I pity the commies who decide to make an assault on Sarge's home base.
.
