SAVE MY BABY!

 It was New Years Eve, and I was once again surprised by the amount of people that I deliver cars to who choose to take delivery on a holiday.  Their plans are often in flux, and I find myself running all over the place.  This year, it was Wichita, Kansas.

I had spoken to Miss Bellows on the phone, and she said she would be very busy with the birthday party but there would be a slice of cake for me.  This was a red flag for me, because I like to drop off a car and go, not get caught up in the personal lives of my customers.

I was told to arrive at 4pm sharp, and no sooner had I parked and got out before I heard her shouting frantically and urgently.  I came around the side of the house, I saw the most elaborate birthday decorations ever.  At least, in my personal experience.  There were six Papillon dogs all jumping around Miss Bellows, each wearing a party hat and a tutu.  Miss Bellows, a rather rotund woman, was not handling the hectic pace well, although the sad looking man cooking on the grill seemed completely unaffected.

"Hi, I'm Bill Thomas," I said.  "I have your new car here for you."

"Thank God you made it, the boys were afraid that you wouldn't make it for the party." she said.  She seemed kinda peppy, kinda goofy.

"Oh, I can't stay."

"Lucky," I heard the grill man murmur.

"Now I'm gonna have to insist, we have burgers on the grill, there's cake and ice cream.  Right, Jimmy?"

Jimmy nodded glumly at the grill.  "Whatever you say."

"Cheer up Jimmy, it's a party!" she exclaimed.

"And I am thrilled to be here," he said with no conviction.

"Mr. Bill, the birthday boy is Rover, then there's Fido, Spot, Buck, Freckles and Spike."

I smiled and nodded in their direction.  "Nice to make your acquaintance."

"Don't be so sure," mumbled Jimmy.

I needed to get a move on, but didn't want to be impolite.  "If you can just sign my paperwork, I'll get out of your hair."

She put her hands on her hips.  "You are not in my hair.  And if you were, I'd be glad to have you.  Now the gift table is over there, if you have something to honor Rover."

"Run, while you still can," muttered Jimmy to me.

Miss Bellows scooped up Rover and came over to me.  "Mr. Bill, would you hold the birthday boy for me so I can get some pictures?"  She handed me Rover then put a party hat on my head, rubber band under my chin.

"I mean, I guess so."  I looked at the backyard, and it was lush and beautiful.  Right in the middle of it was a large swimming pool, and I wondered if it was heated.

"I have to get my Polaroid camera, its inside."  She ran into the house, and Jimmy started talking.

"OK, we don't have much time, so listen up fast.  She is crazy as a bat, she thinks these dogs are kids.  She will drag you into doggie drama then drag you down so far you lose yourself.  No joke buddy, you should go."

"Are you two roommates?"

"Oh God no!  I'm too stupid for that, I went and married the witch."

"Is she a witch?"

"Well, she ain't Samantha on Bewitched, I can tell ya that, bub."

Miss Bellows came out again just as Rover was trying to leap out of my arms.  She began yelling at me, "You're gonna drop him, you're gonna drop him!"  Rover fell from my arms to the ground, and at the same time Jimmy picked up a tennis ball and threw it towards the backyard.  All six dogs went rushing after the ball, but only five stopped when they reached the edge of the pool where the ball landed with a splash.  Followed quickly by a bigger splash, as one of the Papillon landed in the water.  

A blood curdling scream unlike any I have ever heard came from behind me, and Miss Bellows nearly knocked me down rushing towards the pool.  "My baby!  Save my baby!"  She was hysterical, running around in circles waving her arms over her head.  While the pooch was happily doing the dog paddle. "Someone save my baby Freckles."

I walked down to the pool and scooped the little dog up, offering it to the woman.  She squeezed it so tightly.  "He's fine, he's just fine," Jimmy tried to tell her.

"How can you say that?  I nearly lost my baby.  Did you hear that, Freckles?  You were almost an angel crossing over the rainbow bridge.  You could have drown."

Jimmy shook his head.  "He was fine, he knew how to swim just fine."

She looked insulted.  "Don't be ridiculous, none of my dogs have ever had a swimming lesson in their life."

Jimmy looked up towards Heaven.  "OK God, I'm ready.  Because wherever I go, its going to be a whole lot better than this."

I got the paperwork taken care of and headed for my next pick up.  Just out of curiosity, I called a good friend of mine who is a Veterinarian in Texas and asked if there is a special school where you send dogs to learn to swim.  My friend said, "Yep, it's the same school you send cats to so they learn to hunt mice."

HAPPY NEW YEAR

VIOLENT HALLOWEEN

It is Halloween night, and I am staying with a friend and watching all the trick or treaters come by.  Some of the kids are real cute, but some of the teens seem too old.  Free candy can be a powerful temptation.  I know this Halloween will be better than last year, which ended poorly.

I was in St. Louis stopping off from delivering cars to stay at my buddy's Jimmy's house.  He was planning a big party, and as soon as I got into town I stopped downtown and went to find a branch of my bank, using the GPS.  I soon found the bank, but had to drive three blocks to find any available parking.  I grabbed my bank card from my wallet and put my wallet in the glove box.

I walked the distance to the ATM, took out $260, and headed back for the car.  I noticed there were not too many people around.  After I crossed a street, a large man stepped out of a dark alleyway.  "Hey man."

I just kept walking.

"Hey man, I'm talking to you."  He got in front of me.  "Hey big man, you got a light?"

"Nope, sorry, I don't smoke."  I tried to step around him.

"Help a brother out."

"I would if I could."

"Gimme your money."

"What?"  Then very suddenly, I was grabbed from behind in a bear hug from a large man who held on tight.  

"Money!" shouted the man facing me.  He slugged me several times across the face, and it felt like my skin was being torn.

"You heard him," came the voice of the man holding me.  His breath smelled of cheap whiskey, accentuated by his tremendously strong body odor.  I felt dizzy and nauseous.

"Money, now!" yelled the slugger, then he punched me twice more.  I was angry, but all the fight was punched out of me.  The bigger guy continued to hold me, while his friend when through my pants pockets.  He found the cash and my bank card, and took them both.  When I was released, I collapsed to the ground, just in time for the slugger to kick me in the stomach.  Then they both ran off.

I peered around from my spot on the ground, and I thought sweat was getting into my eyes.  I later learned that it was blood.  My slugger assailant had big rings on his fingers, and they tore my face up.  Some kind folks saw me and ran up, asking how I was and calling 911.  I kept asking them which way the thieves had gone, but none of them knew.  They wanted me to focus on breathing.

I didn't get to go to the party, I spent the night in the hospital.  The Doctor said my face would heal without permanent scars, and that I had a bruised rib.  I called my bank to cancel the card, and had to make a report to the police officers who came to visit my room.  

The thing that concerns me most is that it left me feeling bitter and angry, and wanting some payback for the guys who so brutally attacked me.  I work very hard for my money, and don't make that much.  So I take it personally in the extreme when someone takes a chunk from me.  And bloodies me in the process.  Why is there so much meanness in the world?  I refuse to give in, and will continue to practice love, kindness, and generosity to those in need.  

Whatever happens this year, it's got to be better than last Halloween.

DEAR MR. SPIELBERG

I was driving as fast as I could from Ohio to Louisville, Kentucky where my best friend Steve was in the hospital.  Just three days earlier I had received a surprise call from him.

"Hey Bill," he said with the joy that was always in his voice.  "Oh boy, it's good to hear your voice."

"Same here, buddy.  How have you been?"

 There was a pregnant pause.  "I need to share some news with you.  My Doctor just told me that I have an advanced case of PNH, it's a rare blood disease and Doc says there are some promising experimental treatments.  But, this could be bad."

 "Wait, I don't understand.  How bad are we talking?"

"Dead bad."

"You could die?"

Steve chuckled.  "I will die, but maybe sooner that I had hoped."

"So does this mean our trip across Canada is cancelled?"

"Lord no," he exclaimed.  "I've been looking forward to that road trip with you since high school.  And I still plan to make it with you, once I get this PNH sorted out."

I was way beyond stunned.  "This is hard to process."

"Well Bill, you have been my best friend over 40 years now, and you are the one person I wanted to know about this."

"Wow, 40 years," I said in wonderment.

"Yep, and when I met you in high school, I was fresh out of the backwoods of Kentucky where I had grown up, and people teased me about being a country bumpkin.  But not you.  I remember you pulling me into your wild world of non-stop fun and crazy, and next thing I know I'm helping you make movies."

"I couldn't have made them without you."

"I really doubt that is true.  You were a one man machine back then, there wasn't any obstacle you couldn't overcome.  And I felt so damn lucky that you called me friend."

"I was the lucky one, always have been."

Steve began coughing hard, causing me concern.  He got hold of himself and assured me he had something caught in his throat.  "I have a really big favor to ask of you."

"What's that, buddy?"

"I've had to consider death for the past few days, although I'm not planning on going anytime soon.  But when my time comes, I want you to promise me that you will get one of your screenplays made into a movie.  I've always believed in you, and your writing and your stories are very good.  You just need a break, and I can't tell you how much I admire you for hanging in there."

I was so moved.  "I admire and respect you so much for the good person you are.  You have helped so many people in your life, you have the kindest heart of anyone I know.  You would quite literally take the shirt off your back to clothe a man with no shirt."

"Can I ask one more favor?"

"Anything, Steve."

"Can you please write a letter to Mr. Steven Spielberg and tell him how much his movies meant to you and me?  How we saw every single one of them from JAWS forward.  And the way that each movie marked a major milestone in our friendship.  Like the day my mom was buried, right after the funeral you took me to see ET.  I was so low, but I came out of the theatre with my heart soaring.  Just write him and tell him, for me."

"Sure buddy, if that's what you want."  I didn't have the heart to tell him that the likelihood of my getting a letter to Steven Spielberg was almost as good as winning the Powerball Lottery.  But there is nothing I would not do for my friend. 

 Once I had dropped off the car I was delivering to Dayton, Ohio, I rented a car from a local Avis office and headed for Louisville.  I had not told Steve I was coming, but decided I should call as I got near and let him know.  After repeated calls and texts were not answered, I assumed that he had already started his treatments.  When my phone GPS told me I was 20 minutes from the hospital, my phone rang and I could see it was Steve.  I quickly picked up.  "Hello, best friend in the world."

"Hi, Bill."  It was the voice of Fred, Steve's only child, only he was an adult now with his own kids.

"Fred, how are you?  I'm in Louisville now and on my way to the hospital."

"Bill..."  Fred's voice cracked.  "Dad just died."

"What?  He what?"

"He was driving over to the hospital this morning, it's over 100 miles from his house out in the sticks.  Just 3 miles from the hospital, a man was texting and driving and went through a red light.  T-boned my Dad's car and it was crushed all around him.  He was DOA."

"Wait, this can't be right."

Fred's voice wavered, and he said, "It's not right.  But it's true.  Bill, I'm sorry but I've got a lot to take care of here right now."

"No, of course, I completely understand."  Fred hung up, and I pulled over and parked.  Hot tears streamed down my cheeks, and I felt a deep sense of loss.  Steve was quite simply the best guy I had ever known.  But I pushed down my feelings and got a hold of myself.  I pulled a blank legal pad and a pen out of my backpack.  I made a promise to my best friend, and I had a letter to write.

FAST FOOD DRIVE THRU

 As I was driving a Ford Escape through central Tennessee, I was thinking of something my friend said to me on the phone. He said as he read all of my blogs, he noticed that my boss Riff never changed.  He is always half drunk, yelling at me, hurling insults my way, and not treating me with any respect whatsoever.  My buddy said Riff should show different sides to his personality, and that he has to grow as a character.  I pointed out that I write about Riff exactly as he is, and some things never change.  He pointed out that these are true life stories I write, and that I can fictionalize if I want to.  Dramatic license.  He insists that Riff needs a "character arc."

I was very hungry and got off the highway in a small town to search for fast food.  I didn't see a McDonalds or Wendys anywhere, but I did find a place called Burger Qween, so I drove in and got into the line at the drive thru lane.  When it was my turn at the speaker, I was greeted by an impossibly cheerful man saying "Welcome to the magical land of the Burger Qween, may I take your order?"

"Uh, yes," I stumbled.  "I'd like a fish sandwich --"

The man on the speaker interrupted quickly, saying  "You mean the Fish burger, that cute little cod fish who swims its way down the Alaskan pipeline by the Alaskan coastline, and swims its way into our hearts and our 450 degree fryers?"

"Yes, correct.  And I'd like some fries --"

He interrupted again.  "You mean golden brown french fries, Idaho potatoes sliced and diced before they jump into our 450 degree fryers, cooked just like the French do over in France?"

"Yes, large fries.  And a Sprite --"

"You mean Sprite, that delicious lemon lime soda, tastes like a lymon, and tastes a lot like the Uncola, 7-Up?  Is that what you want sir?"

I was frustrated.  "Yes!"

"I'm sorry sir, we don't serve Sprite here."

That did it.  I stepped on the gas just enough to get me up to the window, where I saw the manic cashier who had taken my order.  

"Hi there, I'm Mark, and I'm here to fill your order."

"Can I get a Coke with that?"

"Instead of the Sprite?"

 "You said you don't serve Sprite."

"You are so right, give the man a cigar!"

"How much?" I asked.

"How much longer?  Why it should just be a few minutes.  What's your rush sailor, slow your roll."

 "I came to a fast food restaurant because I wanted my food fast."

Mark stuck out his bottom lip.  "Well, someone sure is a grumpy Gus today.  Your total is $7.89."

I handed him the money and he gave me change.  "I forgot to tell you, I don't want any lettuce on my Fish sandwich."

"Sorry sir, this isn't Burger King.  It's never have it your way, at Burger Qween its have it OUR way."

 "Bad policy."

He clapped his hands together.  "Bad policy, bad sandwiches, that's Burger Qween.  If you want a really great chicken sandwich, don't buy ours.  Try out Chik Fil A, you will be glad you did."

 "But I ordered a Fish sandwich."

"OK, then try Long John Silvers, their fish is much superior to ours."

"Private!" came a booming voice, as the Manager walked up.

Mark jumped to attention and saluted the manager.  "Yes sir, Commandante..  Reporting for duty, Mr. Doloheim."

"Private Mark, what have I told you about promoting the competition? We have the best burgers, chicken sandwiches and fish sandwiches in the world."

"That is inaccurate and way wrong."

"Not as long as you're working here."

A fellow worker named Jolene brought a few bags to Mark, no doubt my food and the next customer after me. Mark held up a finger to make a dramatic proclamation.  "I shall no longer work for evil overlords who opress me and make me sad to wear this uniform".  Mark pulled off his hat and grabbed the bags.  He jumped out of the drive thru window nearly landing on my car.  He ran down the street, waving the bags of food and screaming "Have it your way!  Have it your way!"

The Manager stuck his head out the window.  "I'm so sorry for the trouble and inconvenience.  Just tell me what you want and it's on the house."  So I gave him my order again, but this time ordered a dessert.  I have been to many fast food joints, but never have I run into anyone remotely like Mark.  I keep wondering where he will be working next... wherever it is I don't want to order my food there.

THE LIMOUSINE

Before the Covid virus hit one year ago, life was very different.  All of our lives have changed, some folks a whole lot more than others.  But most everyone has been affected in some way or the other, including me.  My workload has decreased to the point where I've been struggling just to stay afloat.  And my boss Riff grows ever less charming each and every day.

Early January 2020, when we were mostly blissfully unaware of the viral dangers that lay ahead, I had been assigned to pick up a limousine in Long Island.  Riff had called and said,  "Listen you sorry SOB, you need to pick up this brand new limousine and get it to Charlotte, pronto."

"North Carolina?"

"No stupid, I'm talking about Charlotte, New Orleans.  How dumb can one man be?"

"You tell me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Forget it."

"Now this limousine is going to a Funeral home in Charlotte, but they haven't printed the company name on the doors yet.  They will use this limo to take family's to and from the services for the loved one.  Wait, what did you say?"

"Never mind, Riff."  I hung up.

I'd driven the limo south through some very heavy traffic.  I stopped off in Richmond to stay overnight with my friend Justin and his family.  He had a lovely wife named Mary, and two kids, Bud and Judy.  Bud's real name was Timothy, but no one ever called him that.  I cared a lot for both of these kids, and was sorry to see them both looking so sad when I arrived.  But they did light up when I walked into the house that day.

"Uncle Bill," shouted Judy, running up to give me a hug.

"Hi, Uncle Bill," said Bud, smiling as he rose from his seat to greet me.

"Hey guys, how ya doing?"

"Don't ask," said Judy.

"Bummed out," said Bud.

"Why?"

Mary walked into the room.  "Because they want to go to the dance at their school tonight."  She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.  "Welcome."

I was confused.  "Why can't they go to the dance?"

Mary smirked.  "Well they can, of course."

"No we can't," scoffed Bud.

"Nope," echoed Judy.

"I don't understand."

Mary smiled and shook her head.  "Neither do I.  They've both been looking forward to this event and planning for months."

"And Daddy said he'd get us a limousine to take our dates to the prom," Judy pouted.

Mary was defensive.  "Your father did not promise."

Bud protested.  "I would definitely have to call it a commitment."

"No sir, no promises or commitments.  Your father discussed it with you, and then with me.  Ultimately, it cost too much and we decided against it."

Bud shook his head.  "So we get to take our dates in the family minivan."

"I will be happy to drive you there and back," offered Mary.

Judy gave her a cold stare. "You're only making it worse, mom.  I can't believe I'm 15 and I've never had a ride in a limo."

"Dad really screwed the pooch on this one."

Mary was irritated.  "OK, that's enough.  You don't talk about your Dad that way, more especially when he's not here to defend himself."

Justin walked in the front door.  "OK I am here, ready to defend!  Guys, lower your voices, I could hear you out in the garage.  Bill Thomas, you adorably insane maniac!"

"Reporting for duty, sir."

"Is that your car out front?"

I grabbed Justin and pulled him behind him through the door that leads down to the basement.  I wanted a private conversation with him about taking his kids to the dance.  Justin wanted to be sure it wouldn't be an inconvenience for me.  "I want to do this!  Please let me?"

Justin shrugged.  "Who am I to tell you no?"

"You're not."  I ran up the basement stairs.

"Wait for me, you madman!"

"Hey kids," I yelled when I was back in the living room with them.  "Have I got a surprise for you."

"Hang on," Justin cautioned.  "Your Uncle Bill is going to do something really nice for you, and I expect you both to give this gift full acknowledgement and recognition."

"Bud, Judy, come with me, please."  As we all stepped out the door, I asked if I could please drive them to the dance that night.

"What are you driving?" asked Judy.  That's when we turned the corner outside the house and they saw the limousine parked out front.

"Oh my God!" yelled Bud.

"No way!" shouted Judy.

"Yes way!" I shouted back.

Mother Mary stepped up to me.  "Are you sure you want to do this, Bill?"

"I really am, and I really do."

"Don't argue with the man!" warned Judy.

"Is it 100% OK with your company?"

I burst out with laughter.  "I just don't care.  It just doesn't matter.  I still have not been paid for the past two jobs I did, and I'm treated with disdain all day every day.  I feel they owe me, and this is a payoff."

"He's made up his mind, Mom, and there's no changing his mind," said Bud.

I jerked my thumb towards Bud.  "What he said."

The kids got ready.  I had to borrow a clean dress shirt from Justin, and it was pretty tight on me.  But Mary helped me to look dressed up, and even found a jaunty racing cap for me to wear to complete the ensemble.  Four hours later, when the kids were all dressed and ready to go, I gave them the full treatment:  opening and closing doors, being the faithful and subservient driver.

Judy's date was impressed.  Bud's date was truly super impressed, and then some.  I made them look good.  I took a nap in the parking lot of the school where the dance took place.  I wanted to be there waiting for them when they were ready to go.  I took a quick peek in the rear view on the drive home and saw the kids making out.  I was happy for them, but a tiny bit jealous because I haven't kissed anyone lately.  Nope, longer than lately.  Damn, I crave the soft lips of a familiar girl.

After dropping off their dates, I did a few fishtails and stunts with the limo that made Bud and Judy squeal with glee.  When I got them home, both of them thanked me profusely.  It was such a pleasure, and I knew I had made their evening special and memorable.  That's what I like to do most in the world.  Making people happy, and giving free rides in a limousine.