I rolled into Pittsburgh driving a Ford Edge that I had picked up in Laredo, Texas. This would be my first official delivery in 2020, and I already had a plane ticket to get me to my next pick up down in Ft. Lauderdale.
I had a bit of trouble getting by the security guard in his shack at the entrance to the subdivision. When he looked at my ID and asked me what my favorite color was, I felt confused. But once in the neighborhood, I had no trouble finding the house. I rang the doorbell and waited.
Two minutes later, a woman opened the door carrying a crying baby. "It's about time you got here."
"Hi, I"m Bill Thomas, here to deliver a car to Mrs. Howard."
"Yes, yes, this is the place. Come in, come in."
I followed her inside, though I wasn't sure why we needed to go into the house. "I just need you to sign this paperwork, and--"
She spun around and handed me the baby. I only grabbed the kid because if I didn't it seemed like she was going to drop him. Or her, whichever.
"It's a boy," she said as if reading my thoughts. "Just in case you were wondering. Little moron cries all the time."
I was overcome by the strong smell of baby poop. "If you can just look at the car, then--"
She made a stinky face. "Uh-oh, someone is ripe. Be a dear and change his diaper for me."
This request stunned me. "I can't do that."
"Oh sure you can. That little brat is a boy, not a girl, so you won't see any equipment you're not used to. Or frightened of."
"I'm not frightened, but--"
"Then what's the problem?" she asked. "Remove the dirty diaper, toss it, clean his butt with a wipe, then attach fresh diaper. Abra cadabra."
"I'm not authorized to do this on my job."
"I call BS on that, I'm sure there's nothing in your company handbook forbidding you from changing a diaper on the little bastard. His diarrhea is completely out of hand, and I'm tired of changing him."
"Are you mad at the boy?"
"None of your business. But since you ask, no I don't much care for his company. He eats and sleeps and craps his diapers. Mostly that last one. I'd sell this kid cheap."
It was horrible to hear this woman talking about her child this way, it brought up bad memories from my past. But who am I to judge? "Would you like to come outside and look at your new car?"
"I'm still waiting for you to change that diaper."
I shook my head. "I cannot change this boy's diaper."
"Why, what's your deal? Are you a prude? Afraid to see a baby boy's ding a ling?"
"It's not appropriate. I don't know him."
She put her hands on her hips. "Well allow me to introduce you. Mr. Driver, this is the little asshole."
My cell phone rang, and I recognized the number. I picked up and said, "Hi, this is Bill Thomas."
"Bill, this is Mrs. Howard. I'm sorry I didn't get in touch sooner to tell you I wouldn't be home. Annie my new nanny should be able to sign for it, right?"
I spoke to the nanny. "Are you Annie?"
She nodded. "I'm the nanny." I walked out on the front porch for privacy.
"Bill, are you still there?" asked Mrs. Howard.
"Yes, I was just stepping outside. Annie has been trying to get me to change your baby boy's diaper."
There was a silent pause. "She did what?"
"She told me the kid has the runs and she's tired of changing him. I also might mention that she's calling him some very bad names. He probably doesn't understand her, but still."
"Listen, I am on my way out the door and can be there in 20 minutes. Will you please wait on me?"
I checked the time, concerned about making my plane. "I saw a Starbucks down the road, I'll go get some coffee and meet you back here."
By the time I got my coffee and got back to the house, I found Mrs. Howard in the front yard shouting at Annie about the baby. I slowly sidled up to her and asked Mrs. Howard to sign the paperwork.
"Are you sure, Mrs. Howard? No second chances? I've never done child care, I'm more a telemarketer."
"No Annie, not after the way you treated my baby."
Annie pointed at me. "What did this SOB tell you, he's nothing but a big fat liar." I pulled out my phone and summoned an Uber, and mercifully it was one minute away from my location.
Mrs. Howard was trying very hard to stay composed, but it was clear she was boiling over inside. "Did you ask this man to change a diaper?"
"Duh, yeah, I've been doing it all day and frankly I get tired of it."
"Then maybe you're in the wrong line of work."
"And maybe you're a bad mother, Mrs. Howard."
I saw my Uber coming as Mrs. Howard shouted for Annie to get off her property and never to return. I was climbing in my Uber when the driver asked "Are there two of you going?" I looked and saw Annie standing behind me waiting to climb in.
"I need you to give me a ride. It's the least you can do after getting me fired."
I smiled. "Goodbye and good luck, Annie." And I rolled on to new adventures, as Annie the nanny saluted me with both of her middle fingers.
