When I got to the address, I saw that there were a lot of cars parked out front, as if some type of event was taking place inside. A short, chubby woman waddled over to me and took me by the hand. "Welcome, and please come with me to the service."
"Service?"
"You are very late, you know."
"No, I think there's a mistake--"
Her eyes narrowed into slits and she jutted her stubby finger at me. "It's always a mistake when a precious feline dies!"
"Feline?"
"Come, come," she said as she rushed me around the house to the backyard. And I was amazed when I got there at the sight. Dozens of people stood around looking solemn and reverent in the huge space behind the house on the edge of a lake. A woman resembling an older version of actress Jessica Lange came out into the backyard, moving with a great deal of style and grandeur. She was wearing a red kimono and she glided dramatically across the spanse between us. "Welcome to Billie's place, I am so glad you could make it to our little affair," she said, with a cigarette burning in her left hand and a glass of red wine in her right. "What was your name again?"
"Bill. Bill Thomas. I'm the driver you spoke to on the phone, I have your new car here."
"Where?"
"Right out front," I replied.
"I can't do that right now."
"You can't?" I asked, holding up my clipboard with the paperwork on it. "Just sign here and I will be gone."
"But we are having a funeral here for the dearly departed Felix the cat."
"Felix?"
She was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. "I can't talk about this right now. I am in mourning." She spun around and appeared to sort of float away from me. I walked down to the edge of the lake and found some men securing a raft upon which they laid a small box. Presumably Felix in his coffin? I saw her again and tried to move towards her. I needed to get done with this delivery and head for Birmingham. Right as I was approaching, she walked away towards the raft.
"Uh, Miss Sullivan?" I attempted. But she raised her voice to make an announcement.
"Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention? We'd like to get this started and move along. Felix was with me for 18 years. Felix the cat was a wonderful, wonderful cat." I smiled to myself as those were the lyrics to my favorite childhood cartoon. Billie saw my smile and pointed at me. "Don't be ashamed to smile, Felix would have wanted you to. Felix the cat would have wanted you all to be happy. Just like he was, as he tore my furniture, brought dead mice and squirrels into my house as gifts. He really lived an enchanted life, and now he is going to kitty heaven. As is a tradition in my family for generations, we will send Felix on to the next plane of existence." She stopped to light a match, then began sobbing. "No, I can't do it. Will you help me, Rock?"
Rock was a huge man who looked just like his name. He leaned over and blew out the match, then he pulled a small portable blow torch out of his inside suit pocket. He lit it up, then used it to light the raft on fire. Rock and several other men pushed the raft out into the lake.
Billie spun around, now looking thoroughly joyous. "That's it, everyone inside for drinks. Let's get wasted." Everyone made a bee line for the house, I guess they were all eager drinkers. I hurried to intercept Billie, and she said to me "Oh, you again?"
"Yes Miss Sullivan, Bill Thomas."
"My name is Billie, and you should call me that. Have you ever considered going by Billie instead of Bill?"
"Not really," I said, offering her the paperwork again.
"Well, that is just ridiculous. What else you got, my wine glass needs a big refill."
"Just the car for you."
"You keep saying that same thing again and again. What did you think of the funeral?"
"I liked the part about Felix the cat, the wonderful, wonderful cat. Just like from the TV show."
Billie gasped and looked completely shocked. "A TV show? They made a TV show about my cat and I didn't even know about it?" She seemed to be a bit loopy from the wine.
"No, it's--"
"How did they even film him without me knowing? I never saw any men with cameras around my house. The very idea."
"Billie, if you could just take a look at the car and sign for it, I will be on my way."
"After you have three drinks with me. Three is my lucky number."
"No thanks, no drinks."
"You are a wet blanket mister, and that's for sure. I think I would rather have you call me Miss Sullivan than Billie."
"OK, Miss Sullivan."
"That's Mrs. Sullivan to you! I'm a widow, have you no heart?" She clucked her tongue and said "I think I want you out of here. Tell you what, I will sign the paperwork, but I refuse to go look at the car until you're gone."
"If you don't sign for it, you're accepting it as is."
"No, you are as is. You are as is! As in, 'as is' get out of here." She grabbed my paperwork and signed for it angrily, then dropped my clipboard on the grass. "Now leave, please!" She flowed back into her house through an open sliding glass door. I turned and was startled that the short lady who had brought me here from the driveway was standing right behind me.
"Time for you to go," she demanded.
"Yes, sorry, could you give Mrs. Sullivan a copy of her paperwork and keys to her new car?"
"Maybe I can and maybe not. I will do it if you leave now."
I handed her a folded copy of the paperwork and the keys. "I'm gone." As I walked away I looked out at the lake and saw the burning raft floating away, I thought to myself, If there's a rock and roll kitty heaven, then I hope Felix is part of the band.
