On June 3, 2018 I found myself in Mason City, Iowa. I had read that it was the inspiration for River City, where Professor Harold Hill created a boys band in THE MUSIC MAN. I'm Bill Thomas, a driving fool, and I had never spent my birthday in Iowa. Although I can say that almost every year since I've been driving I spend my one special day in a different city. Just depends on where the car I'm delivering is headed.
The car was set to be delivered the next morning, so I checked into a cheap motel and asked where I could find the nearest coin laundromat. I was given directions, and chuckled as I drove there thinking how cleaning my dirty laundry was certainly a fun way to celebrate turning 39. I am not really 39, but decided some years ago to just stop adding years on when people asked. Hey, it worked for legendary comedian Jack Benny.
I found the place with no trouble, and grabbed my sacks full of smelly used clothing. I had to get change and detergent from the attendant on duty, who quickly reminded me that he'd be closing in two hours and I had to be gone by then. That seemed like ample time to me. I picked two top loading machines and poured the powder boxes of Tide in and pushed the coin slot. Then I sloshed the water around before I started loading my clothes in.
"Rookie mistake," I heard a woman behind me say.
I turned with a smile. "Who, me?"
"I don't see any other rookies in here, do you? No honey, I'm just trying to help you out. Next time, you want to put your laundry in first, then pour the powder on top, and then push the coin slot. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."
"Thank you, I will try that." Actually, I had tried that years ago in college, and discovered that after the clothes were washed and dried, there were patches of residual powder sort of baked into my clothes.
"You promise?"
"Of course." I hated to lie to her, she seemed like a nice woman. I would guess that she was 5 feet tall and weighed around 350 lbs. She wore a sort of tight muumuu that was cut very low at her chest, making her ample breasts heave outward.
"Can I tell you a secret?"
"Sure," I said.
"I prefer Gain to Tide. But don't tell anyone."
"Oh, I won't."
"You promise? Do you swear?"
"Absolutely."
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but my sister just got a bad case of the VD. Its a STD, do you know what that is?"
"Yes I do."
"Well if you don't mind me saying so she deserved it. She's the biggest whore in Mason City, Iowa."
"She's a prostitute?"
"No honey, prostitutes get paid. My sister gives it away for free to any Tom, Dick or Harry. Mostly dick, though. I don't know if I should share this with you, but my boyfriend just got laid off his job."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
She cocked her head sideways and gave me a look of gratitude. "You really mean that, don't you? That is so sweet. Most folks don't give a tinker's damn about him. They think just cuz he drinks too much and likes cocaine and watches TV all day he's some kind of bum. Can you believe that?"
"How long had he been working there?"
"Working where, honey?"
"The place where he got laid off."
"For about one week. And they got rid of him just because he called in sick three days in a row. I mean, he was hungover, but they didn't know that."
"I'm sorry for him."
"You keep calling my man 'him', he does have a name you know. It's Bubba."
"What did Bubba do before that?"
"He was unemployed for two years and I had to support him. And if you must know, we live in a trailer park. And yes, in a trailer."
"Nothing wrong with that," I told her.
"Who ever said there was anything wrong with that? I'm a proud woman, and yes I am a little plump, but Bubba says more cushion means more pushin'. Bubba is always coming up with clever lines he makes up like that. I don't really want to tell you about my problems."
"You really don't have to."
"No, since you insist, I will tell you that I come from a broken home, I was raped twice as a child but I'm not going to tell you his name. I got married young cuz I got pregnant, but my husband ran away and I ain't heard from him since. My kid got in with a bad crowd, started selling drugs and getting into serious fights, and now he's living in juvie hall."
"That's rough."
"Mister, don't even try to pretend you understand how I feel or what I'm going through."
"I won't, I mean I don't."
"Damn straight. I have lived a hard life, but I keep on rolling. And no wisecracks about me rolling just because I'm overweight or I will kick your ass to the moon and back."
Sometimes I say simple things that I instantly regret. This was one of those times. "What are your dreams and goals?"
"Okay, now you gone too far. You are getting into my personal life and I won't have it. You hear me?"
"Loud and clear."
She pulled her dress up, causing her bosom to heave so high I thought they would fall out of the dress. "Let me tell you a thing or two." Now she was getting mad and I mean fast. "People like you are the problem with the world. You are so nosy you just think you have to know everything all the time. Ever heard the term mind your own business? Or keep your nose out of other folks business? You're one of those guys who has to worry about everyone else, like you got no problems of your own. Well, I'd say you've got plenty of problems, and let me start right here-- "
I quickly cut her off. "I think I may have left something in my car," and I hurried out the door. I ended up taking a long walk, and by the time I got back she was gone. I don't expect presents or cards or even good wishes on my birthday. But I was not in the mood to hear about all the things that are wrong with me from someone who just met me. I quickly opened the washers and put my things in the dryer. Then I got on my cell phone and looked for a nearby Japanese restaurant. It was my birthday and I was going to treat myself to a delicious dinner. And not worry about anymore laundry or disgruntled laundry customers. I call them Bill's people.
