I had just driven a white utility truck to Richmond, Virginia, and it was no fun at all. It was loaded down with heavy equipment from stem to stern, it had big ladders hanging outside on both sides. And it kept on beeping at me constantly like it was scolding me as I drove on the freeway. But I don't know why, it was hard enough getting the speed up to 70mph.
I'd spent the day pondering. When I just finished college and moved to L.A., I had a huge crush on Kristy McNichol. I actually met her and got a chance to ask her out to a movie. She came along with her girlfriend, and they made out all through the film. Next I fell for a comedian named Paula Poundstone, and only later learned of her preference. I had the biggest crush ever on this comic actress I first saw on a show called OPEN HOUSE. She was Ellen DeGeneres, and my crush was crushed when I saw her on the cover of a magazine proclaiming YEP I'M GAY.
I decided I had poor judgement, and it has been quite a while since I dared to have a crush. Then I saw GHOSTBUSTERS (girls edition) and was attracted to Kate Mckinnon. I soon discovered that she was the hottest rising star on Saturday Night Live. And not too long after, that she is gay.
As I've written about many times before, my first ever girlfriend Karen decided that she was gay. So it begs the question, what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I attracted to all these women who prefer the company of other women? Is it something tomboyish? I don't know if I want to go too far down that rabbit hole. But the simple fact is that its happened to me multiple times, and I can't quite figure it out.
I suppose it all came to mind because I was going to Richmond, and felt a need to see Karen. It had been well over a year since I had seen her, but not from a lack of trying. Every time I went through Richmond, she was gone. The last time we had seen each other we shared intimacy, but after it was awkward and she seemed eager to leave.
When I called her cell number, she picked up on the first ring. "Bill Thomas, where have you been you sneaky bastard?"
"Where have I been?" I asked with a chuckle.
"I know, I know, you've been traveling the highways of America."
"Yep."
"But no time anymore to stop in Richmond and see old Karen."
"Bull crap, I have been through at least a dozen times since we were together, and I called each and every time."
She busted up laughing. "You never change do you? I'm yanking your chain, pal. I am in a new place, you got a pen?"
"You mean I'm invited over?"
"Depends on if you can find my address. And how bad you want it."
"Oh, I want it," I said.
"You want it?"
I found myself nodding. "I want it."
"You really want it?"
"Really, really. Wait, what are we talking about, I've lost track."
She snickered. "Well I know what you're talking about, your mind is always in the sewer." She gave me her address and told me to meet her at 5pm at the house. After dropping off the truck I delivered in West Richmond, I rented a car which I would use to get up to Chicago the following day.
When I arrived at her front door at 4:55pm, I reached to knock and she pulled the door open quickly before my knuckles could make contact. "Special delivery for Karen from a driving fool."
Karen jumped into my arms. "Come here you driving fool." As she hugged me, she was pecking me with kisses all over my face, playfully but bringing me full satisfaction. "Let's get inside and start drinking." I could smell bourbon on her breath.
"I think you got a head start."
She spun around and said, "So what if I did?"
"So nothing. Make me one, too. I thought you were a beer girl."
"Been dating a new girl named Greta, and I sort of took up Jack Daniels because that's what she drinks." She made us both a Jack and Coke.
I noticed that the hair on the right side of her face was partially covering it, so I gently reached up to brush it back and see her entire face. She recoiled momentarily, and I could see a bruise on the far side of her face. "Jeez, what happened here?"
She shrugged. "I'm the ultimate klutz at the Cafe, I slipped and hit my head on a freezer door."
"You used to be so coordinated, I was always the klutz."
She had a faraway look in her eyes. "Greta helps out at the Cafe."
I sat down and sipped my drink. "Is that a good thing?"
Karen seemed lost in thought. "Mostly. She's just so crazy jealous, its hard to hire any girls to work for us."
"That sounds a lot like Cheryl."
Susan shook her head firmly. "No way, Cheryl was nowhere near this bad." I found this news disturbing, because Cheryl was pretty darn bad. "Greta had followed me and really gone too far."
"So?"
"So I gotta keep her under control and remind her of my boundaries."
"And does she comply?"
"Sometimes. Most times. Right now she is out of town. And I have a huge favor to ask you."
"Name it gal, I'm all yours."
"Good. Bill, I'm just very lonely right now, and need some loving comfort."
"You came to the right place," I said as I leaned in towards her, but she put her flat hand hard on my chest to stop me.
"Whoa boy. Do you think it would be possible for us to get in bed together in loose fitting clothes and just cuddle while."
"Just cuddle, nothing else?"
"No nothing."
"I guess its possible, but..."
"Good." She grabbed my hand and led me to her bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and pulled off my shirt then climbed in bed. She went into a big close and came out wearing a large football jersey. We held each other and soon fell asleep. I guess we both needed it. When I awoke, she was giving me butterfly kisses on my eyes. It is times like that when I feel like I love her and want to be with her forever.
"Hey you," I started.
"Hey what?"
"Can I just have one really good kiss, like the old days."
She raised one eyebrow very high. "Oh you want an old days kiss, huh?"
"I don't know, kid, whadaya think? You think a princess like you and a guy like me--"
She put her hand over my mouth to shut me up. "Don't you dare quote STAR WARS to me."
"But you like STAR WARS."
She nuzzled her nose into the nape of my neck. "I adore STAR WARS."
I held up a finger to make a point. "Not as much as I love STAR WARS."
She suddenly began to kiss me passionately, and a hundred memories from high school and college days flooded through the canals of my brain. "Bill, have you been getting training on the outside?"
"What?"
"Don't play innocent with me, you are a much better kisser than the last time I kissed you."
"Maybe I got a little practice in." I started to kiss on my arm, and she giggled. And then all of the sudden I was overcome by an overwhelming desire to be with Karen. Just the two of us. Forever and ever. "Listen Karen, there's something I've got to say."
"You know you can tell me anything."
I sat straight up. "I love you, and I always have. I know you like girls, you but you liked me first and still seem to like me from time to time."
Karen looked at her pillow with a defeated expression. "I don't know what to say, but--"
"What the freaking hell is going on here?" came the roar of another voice from the door to the bedroom. There stood a very butch-looking woman who for just a moment I thought was a guy.
"Greta!" shouted Karen.
"Greta?" I asked in a half whisper.
"Answer me Karen, who is this, what's going on? Tell me right now, right damn now."
"Honey wait, don't be mad. It's Bill, he doesn't mean anything to me." My heart has never sunk so low. I grabbed my clothes and headed for the front door. I had to get by Greta, who shoved me a little bit, but mostly she had her focus on Karen.
"Bill, Bill, don't leave," pleaded Karen. "I will be in so much trouble."
"You play you pay."
"No, but its, no, you don't understand, its--"
"You need me to call the police?"
Greta turned on me with a deadly glare. "No!"
Karen looked frightened. "Oh, God no. That will just make things worse."'
"Bye, bye." I said. And I got into my rental car and left the premises. It took a while for me to shake the shock and awe I had experienced. I never could get over my deep love for Karen, even when she claimed herself as gay and lived with girlfriends. There were no realistic expectations for marriage or a long term relationship, but I always felt that if I hung around long enough, who knows? Someday?
But I could see that Karen had dropped herself into another unhealthy relationship. A girl with even stronger rage issues and jealousy, plus a drinker who was encouraging Karen to drink, which probably helped the bruises not hurt so bad. I've seen abuse before, and that was obviously what was going on there. I'm learning each day that to move forward I have to let go of destructive things in my life. So as sad as it makes me, I guess its time to let Karen go completely so she can enjoy her chosen life of lesbian love. God bless her.
"
